to expect some effort on my big birthday

[Fortunategirl]

I have a big birthday this week and I’m feeling a bit low about it. My last big birthday, my DH made zero effort. No card, no balloons, no cake, no present. No surprises at all. It’s normal to be honest. He’s never made any effort on birthdays apart from when we first got together. So I know I’m being unreasonable to expect more really. How unreasonable am I? Just feels like a crap life if your partner never makes any effort. What’s the point of life if you never celebrate any occasions? So I thought I’d ask...does your partner decorate/make effort on your birthday or big birthdays?

Yanbu. I hope this year he does make the effort and you have a really happy birthday.

Have you told him you want effort? My dh isnt the type, I had a big birthday this year and had to cancel loads of amazing plans (birthday was end of may), I told Dh unwanted some effort, more than usual, he didnt do decorations but got us a takeaway and put candles on the cake I'd made (I love baking) and him and the kids made me cards and he got me flowers and took the afternoon off for a nice walk. It's not what a lot of women expect but for me it was perfect (I'm clearly easily pleased).
I'm not sure if hed have thought to do anything if I hadn't made it clear I wanted to have a special day. Like I say I'm very low maintenance and that was perfect for me and I would understand others wanting more.

Make it clear to him now

Sorry my reply was long. Have a great day

Thanks for the replies. I think I was low maintenance when we first got together but I’ve started wanting more as I get older. I’ll be honest that he’s never done this stuff and is quite blatant about being bored by being required to do it. He’s just not interested in making any efforts in anything past day to day stuff like offering a cup of tea. He’s never been any different. It’s me that now wants/needs a bit more. I don’t know why it’s bothering me. I just feel a bit left out when I see other people’s photos of birthday celebrations. I didn’t get any of that as a kid and I kind of wonder what it would feel like to be made a fuss of. I don’t know. I’m being needy I guess

My DH does make a fuss because I'm very clear about what I want. I don't hint or expect him to intuitively know. Birthdays matter to me and I matter to him so he wants to make me happy. It isn't grand gestures and expensive presents because what I want is to be sung happy birthday and spend the day doing nice things. If we can go away somewhere lovely for big birthdays then even better.
All he wants is a Victoria sponge which is exactly what he gets

I buy the biggest thing I want for big birthdays I save for them anything is a bonus, I’m already saving for my 60th and shoes dh today he said that’s brilliant. Tell him in -length of time or make sure you treat yourself. Hugs

Sorry meant to say anything else is a bonus.

Sorry spell thing is daft today meant to say showed my oh.

Does he expect effort for his?

Just tell him what you want. I don’t expect anything, but if I want something I say so, for example ‘Let’s book this hotel for my birthday!’. I’ve got a big birthday next year, but I know unless I tell my DH what I want to do he’d be fairly clueless. If it means than much to you, you’re much better to ask specifically or organise it yourself.

@Nottherealslimshady no. I used to make lots of effort but it would annoy him and wasn’t appreciated. He just doesn’t like that stuff. So I stopped. I don’t even get him a card now because he just doesn’t agree with it. I’d like a card though :(

Does he know how you feel? If he knows birthdays, and especially big birthdays, matter to you, then YANBU. If you've never actually let him know you're disappointed but just kept it all inside, then he can't be expected to know how you feel.

(I broke up with last boyfriend after he couldn't be arsed to do anything for my 40th, even after I specifically asked for something not very major. Birthdays don't matter to him - but they do matter to me, and it made me realise he would never do something for me because I wanted it, that what I wanted just didn't matter to him.)

Go online. Order yourself a cake and some flowers. Get yourself a nice gift -- something just for you, not to be shared or used by anyone else. On your birthday, order a takeaway for yourself. Say nothing to Mr. Ordinary. But make sure he pays the credit card bill.

Yanbu at all but I don't know why you would even hope for a different result given that he only bothered when you first got together

My husband always buys me presents without any hints or needing me to specify exactly what I want. It really isn't that hard if you live with someone to realise they like, for example, perfume and then go and buy that perfume. All these threads attract excuses such as men who just don't know what to get but its really not difficult. It's just that he can't be bothered because he isn't that bothered about you.

The 'n-word' (needy) is banned in our house. My exH never gave much thought to other people, so i never got thoughtful presents or flowers or anything else. I pretended that wanting such things was needy or high-maintenance - i'm a cool modern woman, dont you know, i can manage without any of that stuff. But...i did want it. Because a bunch of flowers, a card, a bottle of wine in the fridge on a friday afternoon, all meant that he thought about me and thought about what might make me happy.

Its not needy to want a partner who wants to make you happy.

I think it might make your actual day easier if you just assume now that it's not going to happen.

Once you've got your head in that place then you can think about what you would like to do/how you would like to spend your day.

Send yourself flowers, arrange to meet a friend, treat yourself to something you'll enjoy without worrying about your partner.

I hope you have a very happy birthday OP

My ex didn't even sort out a cake for my big zero birthday. His argument was we were on holiday. Which I had booked and paid for (we'll joint but I was the higher earner and he paid maintenance so didn't really contribute to holidays). I sent him on the day to book a restaurant that looked lovely - he didn't tell them it was my birthday so whilst all around people with birthdays got a free glass of fizz and had a sparkler in their dessert I
Got nothing. I didn't get a present
Either, off him or the boys.
It was the end of the beginning of the end!

YANBU, but he's not going to change after so many years OP.

Spoil yourself on your big day!

I think it’s fine when people have different expectations, but I feel really sorry for those of you in long term relationships where your partner just won’t make an effort. It takes next to no effort to arrange a card, a nice bunch of flowers and a cake but even that is too much effort?

I mean, birthdays aside, don’t you ever do anything nice for your partner just because? And vice versa? I mean, my husband picked up a new chocolate orange bar for me last week because he just thought I might like it. I didn’t want anything for my birthday but he loves me so he makes a small fuss even though it’s really not needed.

Sorry I’m with your DH. I find it weird when adults make a big deal of their birthdays and expect a big fuss, cake and candles, surprises, presents etc.

Aren’t those things for children?

I know people have (used to have pre-Covid) big birthday parties for turning 18, 40, 60 etc but assumed it’s just an excuse to see lots of friends and have fun?

@RattleOfBars

Sorry I’m with your DH. I find it weird when adults make a big deal of their birthdays and expect a big fuss, cake and candles, surprises, presents etc.

Aren’t those things for children?

I know people have (used to have pre-Covid) big birthday parties for turning 18, 40, 60 etc but assumed it’s just an excuse to see lots of friends and have fun?

And you see, i find it weird when people DON'T want acknowledgement on their birthdays. Also a bit sad, tbh. However you feel about birthdays though, wouldnt you agree that its rude and thoughtless to lap up all the attention and lovely gifts on your own birthday, and then not bother on your partner's birthday? It might be childish to like birthdays, but its boorish to ignore other peoples.

But to be fair OP says her DH doesn't want any fuss on his own birthdays either.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want effort put in for your birthday but your partner. But does he know how you feel? Or does he think you’re not bothered because he isn’t about his? It might be that you need to communicate your needs even if you think he should be aware.

*by your partner

Just say something along the lines of

“DH. I know you are not bothered for birthday fuss and in the past I haven’t been either. But I feel different this year, probably because it’s a big one so I would like to mark it some way ? So I’d like us to do Xxxx. I’ll sort out Yyyyy if you will do Zzz. Is that ok with you? Oh and fir a present I’d quite like ABC ok?

And then end the conversation with a smile and say “ ooh I’m really looking forward to it now” . That way he’s completely clear on what you want and if he chooses to ignore that...well, you have a bigger problem than birthday celebrations I’m afraid.