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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect some effort on my big birthday

56 replies

Fortunategirl · 05/10/2020 16:26

I have a big birthday this week and I’m feeling a bit low about it. My last big birthday, my DH made zero effort. No card, no balloons, no cake, no present. No surprises at all. It’s normal to be honest. He’s never made any effort on birthdays apart from when we first got together. So I know I’m being unreasonable to expect more really. How unreasonable am I? Just feels like a crap life if your partner never makes any effort. What’s the point of life if you never celebrate any occasions? So I thought I’d ask...does your partner decorate/make effort on your birthday or big birthdays?

OP posts:

Laiste · 05/10/2020 19:54

It all depends on weather or not you've told him how you feel.

If you have and he still wont make an effort then he's being unkind.

What any of us like/don't like/do or don't do is pretty irrelevant. You like a fuss - he doesn't, but he could make a fuss of you because he knows you love it.

Arrivederla · 05/10/2020 20:09

Tell him. Tell him. TELL HIM.

Marmite133 · 05/10/2020 20:47

Why don't you just tell him, OP? I do think there are so women (and men) expecting their partners to do things of their own accord when some people just aren't wired that way. Our 3rd year together, my DH hadn't sorted me anything and forgot to get a card. I told him that day that birthdays are important to me and I'd like a card, bunch of flowers and bottle of wine every year. I don't expect any other surprises and usually pick my own present. I love it every year now. He felt awful and just needed it explaining.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/10/2020 20:48

Sounds like because he doesn't care he thinks you dont/shouldn't care.
I'd sit him down and explain that just because he doesn't care about his doesn't mean you dint care about yours and its important for you to have some care on your birthday.

DH and I are big birthday people, we like a fuss, I cant imagine not caring.

RattleOfBars · 05/10/2020 20:53

wouldnt you agree that its rude and thoughtless to lap up all the attention and lovely gifts on your own birthday, and then not bother on your partner's birthday? It might be childish to like birthdays, but its boorish to ignore other peoples

But OP said her partner doesn’t like a fuss on his birthday? Not everyone loves to lap up attention and open gifts.
So if he’s awkward/embarrassed by birthday surprises/balloons/cake/parties he might think she feels the same way?

In this busy, hectic world where most couples work and make a big fuss of their kids on their birthdays; I can understand why many adults don’t celebrate their own and are reluctant to celebrate their partners. Personally I loathe the materialism of birthdays- the cards, the balloons, the wrapping paper, the gift buying, the expectations, organising parties or surprise trips.

I think of my birthday as just another day. Apart from politely responding to all the social media messages and letting DC blow out my candles (she loves candles but she’s 5 and enjoys choosing a cake so why not). DH and I don’t do birthday presents or cards for each other, just for the kids!

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 20:56

No birthdays are not just for kids and no you are not unreasonable to want some sort of acknowledgement that the day is special to you.

One of my husbands friends killed himself very young after suffering badly from depression for years. That was a decade ago but since then my husband has felt that we need joy in our lives, special days, little treats. It was a bit of a wake up call to him. Birthdays are special amd getting older is a privilege.

JKRforPM · 05/10/2020 20:59

OP have you told your DH how you feel?

It’s totally unreasonable for you to expect a fuss without telling him. However, if you have told him and he ignores it then you have a DH problem.

Brefugee · 05/10/2020 21:35

if you know he will do nothing, and you haven't specifically told him that you want him to do something you would be a bit U to expect it.

Expecting something, knowing what you do about your DH, is the triumph of hope over experience. If you want something nice on that day, you're going to have to arrange it yourself.

Catmads · 05/10/2020 21:46

YANBU Op, this year my birthday mattered to me too.

I've made massive changes since my 40th, I'm 7 years sober, 25kg lighter and I really wanted to mark how far I've come this year for my 50th and I had spoken openly about it .

I turned 50, 3 weeks after my Dd's Lockdown 18th birthday. I did everything I could to make the day special for her and despite the odds, she really enjoyed her day even though she was at home and none of her friends could actually be with her physically.

On my birthday there was zero effort from anyone apart from my next door neighbour who gave me a lovely hand made card.

It hurt like hell that I apparently matter so little.

Next year, I'm taking my neighbour out for lunch with me and sod the rest of them!

amusedbush · 05/10/2020 22:02

My dad turned 60 in February and my mum insisted on a huge four day blow-out at a big house she’d rented. The whole extended family was there. I took time off work, drove miles and miles to get there and spent a small fortune on presents because my mum had been pressuring everyone to up their budgets to make it special for him. My dad was delighted with the highly personal gifts I gave him and told me several times how much he was enjoying them.

I turned 30 a couple of months later in full lockdown and my parents transferred £50 to my bank account. No fanfare, not even a card.

DH and I were supposed to be going on holiday on my birthday but that was obviously cancelled so he bought me giant ‘30’ balloons and a takeaway My friends were really the thing that turned my birthday around though - they all chipped in and got me mail-order cake from a bakery in Cornwall, flowers and a few lovely little gifts.

It was my mum’s birthday in August and after she showed me just how little effort I’m worth, I sent her a cheap bunch of flowers from Moonpig... and I used a discount code

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2020 22:06

If you’re incredibly clear about what you’d like would he do it?

HollywoodHandshake · 05/10/2020 22:33

YANBU

I expect efforts on any birthday anyway, but DH knows.

If your partner is clear that you expect something, it's incredibly mean and hurtful to ignore it. You can't change him, and you will lose the "surprise" element, but you can make him a list of what you want and order some things for you.
I still don't find it acceptable to be willingly mean to your partner, that is not a relationship.

caringcarer · 05/10/2020 23:07

My birthday is at end of August and DH makes s fuss of me. He usually takes me away for a week and kids go to grandparents for the week. My favourite was going on a walzing boat in Strasbourg. It spun around and around while waltz music was playing. Some years we have been on a cruise and so a day out in Rome where we had a horse drawn carriage ride around city. We always go for romantic meal with wine and candles. This year was first year in 15 that we stayed home. Just went for meal in evening. Very rare for.me to get birthday cake though. More likely champagne and roses.

Why do you stay with a person who is not caring enough about you to make you feel special for even one important day? You deserve better than this.

Cryalot2 · 05/10/2020 23:26

Happy birthday.
Today I am 60. Dh sort of wished me a happy birthday. Adult kids paid for hotel in Jersey. Flights were cancelled last minute but we got a different route.
The weather is awful and dh walked us round in the storm going nowhere in particular.
I felt he could have made some sort of effort. I took no photos of me and just feel old and fat. The hotel has a spa which he didn't mention going to. We just did what he wanted , yet he blames me .
I don't think anyone mentioned my birthday today at all.
I understand how you feel op

toconclude · 05/10/2020 23:49

No, but then I d care about birthdays. My sister fished about a surprise party for my 60th and my expression told her ever dh needed to know 😁

toconclude · 05/10/2020 23:50

I don't care about birthdays. Everything she needed to know. Damn autocorrect

HotToCold · 05/10/2020 23:52

I hint loudly of what i want :)

His very happy to obliges but needs guidance sometimes

seayork2020 · 05/10/2020 23:56

DH and I have a mutual 'the birthday person decides what happens' thing, we don't do cards/presents etc.

So the birthday person (or one of us for our anniversary) chooses a meal, take away usually or we may say, when no covid, I feel like going to here for the day out or I have decided I want X for pudding.

then the other goes along with it

we may get each other a small thing or even something big if we think fo something totally random

but all this is mutual

we don't want a fuss even for big birthdays so I may decide I want a chocolate cake so I will buy the one I want and we have that, last birthday DH decided he wanted pizza, so did DS on his birthday, I may buy myself a new book for my kindle

Greeneyes78 · 06/10/2020 00:08

What do you for birthdays op? I ask because I do balloons, cake sing happy birthday, put banners up and seeing this my boyfriend did exactly the same for my birthday. It’s his birthday today actually!

Guineapigbridge · 06/10/2020 03:35

Don't be a martyr. Ask for what you want and need.

Florencex · 06/10/2020 03:48

I had a big birthday this year and my plans that had been a year in the making had to be cancelled. I planned my own birthday, I enjoyed planning it. When it was cancelled I sat down with DH and discussed what we would do instead, it included him baking a cake the night before which he did.

There is no way I would do nothing but then feel sorry for myself because nothing was done. If I had kept quiet perhaps DH would think I as not bothered.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 06/10/2020 07:33

Aren’t those things for children? I find people like this so boring. It isn't asking a lot for a card and present or cake. I couldn't be with someone who was so miserable. And I couldn't be with someone who didn't ever show they thought about me. My partner and I get small things for each other all the time such as a new chocolate bar or whatever. Inexpensive yet very appreciated and shows thought.

RattleOfBars · 06/10/2020 17:45

WaterOffADucksCrack

It doesn’t mean they are miserable or don’t care about each other.

DH and I get each other gifts when we think of something and cake when we feel like it. No cards as they just gather dust.

It’s the whole balloons, banners, candles, surprises, presents, cards, pressure etc that I find childish. Like people are trying to re-create the birthdays they had as kids?

Flittingaboutagain · 06/10/2020 17:51

I think if one person says "I care about this so please can you care about it too for one day?" and they don't do anything, it is a sad lonely relationship. I hope you have told him how you feel and he steps up.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 08/10/2020 11:03

Like people are trying to re-create the birthdays they had as kids? What's wrong with that? I'd love to be able to experience childhood hope and excitement!

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