If you are really posh...

[quickque]

How do you view people that aren't?

A genuine question. I can't help but feel as if some of my husbands friends / colleagues think that he's married 'down'....

Maybe a generalisation but I mostly get this impression from his female friends.

I find this view of "proper posh" people as being truly nice, salt of earth, nothing to prove and "noveau riche" as being full of hang-ups etc as pretty bizarre. Why respect "proper posh" people when they've just inherited their wealth? Surely they've got loads to prove and probably have major hang ups as they've just inherited their wealth without actually having skills or having any particular talents like most people. Maybe they are nice as they lead pretty comfortable, unchallenging lives. Surely "noveau riche" people are probably more worthy of respect as they've actually made their money. Also surely "proper posh" people were "noveau riche" generations ago.

Classy is dripping in sarcasm.

In my experience people of the titled classes are just very good at knowing what to say to not make the lower classes feel bad, but very rarely would they actually marry or socialise with those more than one rung down.

When I hear posh I think of the Mitfords.

Am I on the right lines?

@Susannahmoody I would say you are on the right tracks with the Mitfords.

The thing is that going to a top-notch public school doesn't necessarily make you 'posher' than someone educated in the state system. You may have a more pukka accent but on paper could be much less posh?

It's all bollocks, of course. But there is one cardinal rule if the proper posh. Never, ever look like you are trying too hard. Ever. Terribly nouveau. This is why you get these disgusting, sweary, shag all over the place, don't bother washing, house / castle is a shithole/ falling down, am loyd and entitled and don't give a fuck charicature posh types.

And (whisper) the reason they hate the nouveau so much is because they are a threat. Also, they need their cash. We are such a pathetic nation

My mum works for some really really posh people. A lady, a duchess, some minor royals. Alongside regular super wealthy people. I occasionally go to work with her when her business partner can’t for one reason or another.
They’re all super nice people to be around. Their sons and daughters can be a bit uppity but the “parental generation” is bloody lovely and I genuinely think they can’t see the difference. One of them gives me her “old cast offs” (read really nice dresses still with tags on and designer brands) because we are the same size. Another gave me her secret recipe for lemon cake and often helps out with my sons school because her own children have grown up.
Another one paid me to “house sit” in her 16th century Manor House, take care of her pet micro pig (he’s a cutie) and left me enough food to feast for the full 7 days. And when she came home, she insisted i take the rest of the food, and packed my car with fresh eggs and so on.
Another one had a son who had SEND problems. He was very stressful and difficult to deal with prior to his diagnosis but he liked me, so she used to pay me triple to sit with him during the summer holidays and watch TV/hang out. Awesome job for a 14 year old.

And (whisper) the reason they hate the nouveau so much is because they are a threat

You can understand that if your family come from a very long line of titled successful generations and leaders, all going to the best schools, living on beautiful estates and living their lives as they see fit, it might be somewhat galling to find out that your classics degree is not going to secure the kind of salary that will provide the above - or keep the show on the road. The money soon runs out.
The snappy techs and sharp bankers will snare the best of all of these things, and before long your family might find their way into the state school system, the estates get sold off and you become like everyone else. The inherited wealth is the only thing that separates the two experiences. That is pretty scary for those that find themselves in that position, and it is happening at an alarming rate.

@ToffeePennie

My mum works for some really really posh people. A lady, a duchess, some minor royals. Alongside regular super wealthy people. I occasionally go to work with her when her business partner can’t for one reason or another. They’re all super nice people to be around. Their sons and daughters can be a bit uppity but the “parental generation” is bloody lovely and I genuinely think they can’t see the difference. One of them gives me her “old cast offs” (read really nice dresses still with tags on and designer brands) because we are the same size. Another gave me her secret recipe for lemon cake and often helps out with my sons school because her own children have grown up. Another one paid me to “house sit” in her 16th century Manor House, take care of her pet micro pig (he’s a cutie) and left me enough food to feast for the full 7 days. And when she came home, she insisted i take the rest of the food, and packed my car with fresh eggs and so on. Another one had a son who had SEND problems. He was very stressful and difficult to deal with prior to his diagnosis but he liked me, so she used to pay me triple to sit with him during the summer holidays and watch TV/hang out. Awesome job for a 14 year old.

@ToffeePennie, yet the evidence you've listed of their niceness and inability to 'see the difference' has consisted of these people (I'm not clear on whether you're talking in each case about extremely rich, or extremely upper-class) is (1) employing you, albeit at rates you consider generous, (2) giving you cast-off clothes (which was traditionally one of the perks of being a lady's maid), (3) giving you a cake recipe and (4) helping out at a school.

A family member has started going out with someone whose family are hugely wealthy.
Think massive house, very expensive and luxurious holidays.
I’ve met her parents and liked them, there was not boastfulness, but the issue is that their extreme wealth creates difficulties. Family member will never buy a house with them, as she has already been given a penthouse flat outright.

@Sundries I don’t know about you but paying a considerable wage for hanging out with a kid I got on with quite well and would have hung out with for free was generous. A cake recipe that’s been a family secret that is shared is a nice thing to do. The lady giving me her cast offs knew they weren’t cast offs and generously gave me stuff she knew I could sell when I was a struggling student. This is all nice things they did to help me. That to me is classy and lovely, and shows that although they See a difference, they tried to make it “right”

@XingMing

I can be quite distant with people I don't know well Arofan, but perfectly pleasant and respectful. I don't expect to forgive or be forgiven for not wearing my heart inside out for anyone from minute one of making an acquaintance.

I haven’t posted in reply to anything you’ve said so what are you tagging me for?

@P999

It's all bollocks, of course. But there is one cardinal rule if the proper posh. Never, ever look like you are trying too hard. Ever. Terribly nouveau. This is why you get these disgusting, sweary, shag all over the place, don't bother washing, house / castle is a shithole/ falling down, am loyd and entitled and don't give a fuck charicature posh types.

I guess the irony of all that is completely lost on them.

[quote ToffeePennie]@Sundries I don’t know about you but paying a considerable wage for hanging out with a kid I got on with quite well and would have hung out with for free was generous. A cake recipe that’s been a family secret that is shared is a nice thing to do. The lady giving me her cast offs knew they weren’t cast offs and generously gave me stuff she knew I could sell when I was a struggling student. This is all nice things they did to help me. That to me is classy and lovely, and shows that although they See a difference, they tried to make it “right”[/quote]
Those are all nice things to do, but first you said they were evidence of not 'seeing a difference' in social class between you and them, and now you say they did see a difference and were trying to rectify it.

To be honest, they don't sound like either to me, they sound like the nice, perfectly unexceptional behaviour of generous employers or just ordinarily pleasant people who help out at schools and pass on recipes.

Unless you actually think that ordinarily pleasant behaviour or treating employees well gets extra points if it's an aristocrat doing it?

I think hand me downs and paying extra are nice things to do but they absolutely suggest that they see a difference between you and them - would they do that to a friend or someone they see as equal?

I also think (ime) there is a huge difference between being nice to someone that 'knows their place' or is a colleague / employee / acquaintance and how they might feel if that person ended up marrying their son, brother etc.

I don't use the term posh and I don't view people in that way.

DM hates the word 'posh' but I think it's because she believes she is so it has no place in her vocabulary!

I know a "proper posh" bloke who later on in his life trained and worked as a butler. He enjoyed working for the aristocracy but loathed working for anyone with new money. He said the latter had no experience of having staff and didn't really know how to treat them.

@quickque

“ I also think (ime) there is a huge difference between being nice to someone that 'knows their place' or is a colleague / employee / acquaintance and how they might feel if that person ended up marrying their son, brother etc.”

A lot of huge generalisations I think on this post! We’re products of our backgrounds to an extent obviously but at the end of the day we’re all individuals. Wouldn’t you find a post on ‘all working class people are..’ a bit insulting and ridiculous?

As for ‘posh’ people being nice as long as others know their place, especially when it comes to marriage, I’d disagree. DH (son of a single Mum with multiple children by different fathers, grew up in a council house, Socialist) is by far my DMs favourite son in law thanks to being very bright, eloquent and principled (even if she wouldn’t agree with quite a lot of those principles).

My dh used to work in a factory. The shop floor (including dh) all believed the “posh tw@ts” were looking down on them. Dh did a few courses and got an office job. He found the people in the office were getting on with their day / work and not looking down on anyone. In fact, a lot of the office staff admired the hard work that the factory staff did. I think it’s a self esteem thing.

If you are really posh you treat everyone with the same grace and politeness. It is very poor to treat people as lower class or inferior and this is usually done by people who have money but no class. My Mum treated dustmen and duchesses exactly the same.

I find the whole class thing interesting as I grew up in Spain although I am English and therefore, people can’t really place me in a class. I went to private school out there but posh people can’t tell how posh it was because they don’t know it. So I think when I have been asked where I went to school and I say I was brought up in Spain, I immediately don’t get pidgeon-holed in any class. I also speak in a non-descript accent - probably Southern but not very posh nor very regional. I feel very accepted by all classes of people and no one has ever made me feel different to them, regardless of their background. But it could just be because I don’t think of myself as part of a certain class either that makes a difference.

@maggiecate

There are arseholes in every strata of society - upper class arseholes generally don’t have to worry about the consequences of their rudeness so are more blatant about it, but they’re not what I like to think of as proper posh, who are genuinely interested and accepting of people from a different background. It’s like the old saying - those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Yes this exactly. I used to work for a charity where we had some extremely well connected patrons and they used to invite their friends and contacts to charity events. Most of them were aristocratic and we used to get quite worried about getting their titles correct when we wrote to them and avoid offending anyone. The poshest patron - titled and from a very well known British family, all the males went to Eton etc etc - was one of the kindest, sweetest people I’ve ever met and she used the exact mantra above re those who matter not minding and those who do mind don’t matter!

Don’t judge a book by its cover
Accept people with kindness and love