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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is nothing wrong with sleeping separately

126 replies

PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:39

And my husband is being unfair?

Basically I've started sleeping in the spare room recently. My husband snores sort of. He sleeps with his mouth open so the back of his throat clicks and catches, it's not hugely loud but it's enough that I notice and then can't sleep / get back to sleep once I've heard it. It was driving me insane and neither of us were getting a good night's sleep as I was constantly nudging him awake as well to get him to stop.

Since I've been sleeping on my own it's been bliss but DH is saying he thinks we shouldn't be sleeping separately already, I mustn't like him as much anymore, why do I want my own space so much etc etc...

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

Aibu to think it's fine and doesn't mean there's a problem and that it's unfair of him to make me feel guilty for doing so when it's him thats keeping me awake all night?!

OP posts:
katy1213 · 03/10/2020 23:42

Don't feel guilty! There's nothing like your own bed and your own space. Why shouldn't you enjoy it? The snoring would drive me insane, too.

SweatyBetty20 · 03/10/2020 23:43

I’ve been seeing a lovely guy for only five months and we already sleep separately when he stays over! He is a broad 6ft3 and even a king sized bed is a bit of a squeeze plus..... it turns out I’m the snorer.

I have visiting rights - we start off in my bed and then I toddle off to the spare room to sleep. He could do the same but his feet would be hanging off the end as that’s only a double, so I’m happy to move. Then I sneak back in first thing for a cuddle and a chat before we start the day. It’s actually lovely, and there isn’t any loss of intimacy for us.

DramaAlpaca · 03/10/2020 23:45

Separate rooms has been a marriage saver for us, for the same reason as you, OP - the dreaded snoring. Me as much as him! Also, I'm a night owl and he's a lark. Both of us sleep much better alone, and of course we have visiting rights Wink

waterandlemonjuice · 03/10/2020 23:47

YANBU. we have our own rooms and our own bathrooms and it’s bliss.

We have plenty of sex and plenty of sleep. It’s perfect.

MushMonster · 03/10/2020 23:48

It should not be a problem if you are still affectionate.
Just re-assure him that sleep is the only reason.

Original poster
PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:49

Thanks. I guess I just don't see what the point in us both having a rubbish night's sleep is when we can just get a good one separately! We still do all of the other.... Bedroom antics together Grin just not sleeping!

Even before we slept separately, I'm not a sleep hugger, I can't stand being touched or hugged whilst I sleep so it's not like anything has changed in that respect.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/10/2020 23:50

Nah I love my room. It hasn't damaged my marriage.

Ask him why his unsecure feelz means that you have to go without sleep.

gamerchick · 03/10/2020 23:50

Insecure even

Doliv63 · 03/10/2020 23:52

I sleep separately from husband and it is best for both of us. I also have the bed to share with our doggie...everyone happy!

Original poster
PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:52

@gamerchick

Nah I love my room. It hasn't damaged my marriage.

Ask him why his unsecure feelz means that you have to go without sleep.

He says he doesn't understand why it's all of a sudden a problem (only been sleeping separately for about past 3 months).

I don't know the answer. He swears he's always done this snore/noise. I don't remember it until recently. Whether I just never noticed before I don't know but now I do and it drives me bananas.

It's not even a snore really. It's a clicking sound every time he breathes. Once I've noticed it its game over and I can't help but focus on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:54

It doesn't help either that I'm a phone scroller whilst I'm dropping off whereas he's just a head hits pillow kind of sleeper so he's often gone before me.

He says stupid things like 'just ignore it, just go to sleep' as if I hadn't thought of that Hmm 😂

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2020 23:57

Nothing wrong with it at all. My grandparents on my dad's side slept in the same room but in their own single beds. They had 5 children and absolutely adored each other throughout their 65 year marriage so it clearly worked for them.

movingonup20 · 04/10/2020 00:01

I'm with him. I love the closeness sharing a bed brings. And I'm the snorer

Original poster
PickledPicklesPicked · 04/10/2020 00:05

@movingonup20

I'm with him. I love the closeness sharing a bed brings. And I'm the snorer
But if your partner was unable to sleep because of your snoring, would you not agree that it would be unfair to make him feel guilty for wanting to sleep separately purely so he could have a good night's sleep?

I don't disregard my husband's feelings, I understand them, I actually worried myself at first whether it meant something or would have a detrimental affect. But I don't see how me needing to sleep properly has to have any other meaning than just that. I just like my sleep is all!

OP posts:
MilkOfThePuppy · 04/10/2020 00:13

Nothing wrong with it. It's better to sleep separately than for one or both to be sleep-deprived!

Can you sleep with headphones on/in? I use a soft yoga headband type thing with headphones built in. It's reasonably comfortable to sleep in and connects through Bluetooth to my phone. I play nature sounds (rain, ocean, etc.) when I'm having trouble shutting off my thoughts for the night or when my husband has a cold and is snoring. It does help me drift off more easily without leaving the room.

sapnupuas · 04/10/2020 00:13

This would be my dream, but the rooms would be in separate houses.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/10/2020 00:22

@movingonup20

I'm with him. I love the closeness sharing a bed brings. And I'm the snorer
That's quite selfish. What have you done to try to sort out your snoring problems?
Bargebill19 · 04/10/2020 00:23

We time share the bed as he works nights and I work days. Bliss for five nights a week. Yanbu!

Pinkchocolate · 04/10/2020 00:26

This is my life except I don’t have another room! My husband is a noisy sleeper, I need the quiet. I have said for years we need to sleep separately and he tells me he would absolutely hate it, it’s our time etc etc. I’m finding the responses to this hilarious.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2020 00:28

Op, have you tried a white noise machine just to see if it helps? My husband and I listen to thunderstorm sounds on Alexa at night (not for snoring) and we love it.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/10/2020 00:38

Of course YANBU.

Babyroobs · 04/10/2020 00:40

I sleep separately to dh due to his awful snoring. I have my two lovely dogs in the bed instead. It works well for both of us, he doesn't get woken in the night by me swearing at him after numerous hours of trying to get to sleep.

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 23:53

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

If this is the case then I think he's selfish to prefer you to have a bad nights sleep than a good one. I don't really get why it would be an issue if you have a healthy sex life and intimacy but know your partner can't sleep very well in the same bed. I don't see why you should try over and over different ways to mitigate it when you have a solution that works.

gamerchick · 05/10/2020 00:02

So many selfish snorers in the world Hmm

He says he doesn't understand why it's all of a sudden a problem (only been sleeping separately for about past 3 months)

Tell him it doesn't matter why now. Tell him that it's making you think unkind thoughts about him when your sleep is disturbed and you don't like feeling like that. So you're sleeping in the other room to preserve your relationship.

Don't ask, it's your sleep. It's bad for your health to have constant interrupted nights. Sleep is precious.

ScatteredMama82 · 05/10/2020 00:08

My DH and I have slept separately for years. It started when DS2 was born, he was a terribly sleeper so I had him with me during the week and then DH had him at weekends and I slept in the spare room to get some rest. DH also snores and is a really light sleeper, so we would wake each other up all the time. We were so tired and miserable that sleeping separately made sense. We still have a great sex life, it’s just that I toddle off to my own bed after! It’s saved our marriage I think, as the lack of sleep was making us both intolerable.