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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is nothing wrong with sleeping separately

126 replies

PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:39

And my husband is being unfair?

Basically I've started sleeping in the spare room recently. My husband snores sort of. He sleeps with his mouth open so the back of his throat clicks and catches, it's not hugely loud but it's enough that I notice and then can't sleep / get back to sleep once I've heard it. It was driving me insane and neither of us were getting a good night's sleep as I was constantly nudging him awake as well to get him to stop.

Since I've been sleeping on my own it's been bliss but DH is saying he thinks we shouldn't be sleeping separately already, I mustn't like him as much anymore, why do I want my own space so much etc etc...

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

Aibu to think it's fine and doesn't mean there's a problem and that it's unfair of him to make me feel guilty for doing so when it's him thats keeping me awake all night?!

OP posts:
UnitedRoad · 05/10/2020 00:09

When one of the kids leaves home, we’ll definitely do this. I love my husband. We’ve been together 25 years, but he’s not going to survive much longer if I suffocate him with a pillow. He sounds like a distressed warthog, and I’m a very light sleeper. There’s a good chance I snore too, but he falls asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow, and sleeps soundly so it doesn’t really matter

Anyone touching me while I’m asleep runs the risk of getting their arms broken

Flittingaboutagain · 05/10/2020 00:15

I think it will damage your relationship because unlike the other posters, this isn't something both of you are happy about. The bottom line is he feels rejected. Rejection kills marriages. Can you say you'll happily return to the bedroom once he has seen a professional about his snoring and it is fixed? Try other solutions etc together?

notangelinajolie · 05/10/2020 00:22

It's fine. If you have a strong relationship it will not be an issue. But I think if either of you has insecurities it may cause problems. I love my husband but I also love my own bed. Don't make an issue if it because it really isn't one.

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 00:36

My ex used to come and wake me up and tell me I should come back to bed if I moved rooms during the night. It was cruel and controlling. I'm not saying at all that your partner is either of those things, but the principle of wanting someone to sleep less well because it makes you feel better is so selfish. You have a good sex life and are loving when awake. It's pretty nasty to think he prioritises knowing you are there over you actually sleeping well and feeling rested when he sleeps well regardless.

GabsAlot · 05/10/2020 00:37

we sleep seprately we both snore so it doesnt help and he does some night shifts

ExhaustedFlamingo · 05/10/2020 00:58

I'm with your DH too. I'd be devastated if my OH wanted to sleep separately all of the time. I think it leads to a lack of intimacy. Having a healthy sex life and a cuddle before you "toddle off" to your own room is not the same as sharing a bed in the night. I think I'd probably be OK if a partner suggested this for a couple of nights a week, but if it were a permanent, every night thing it would absolutely have an effect on the relationship.

And I know a few couples who do sleep separately and they have definitely drifted into a more platonic type of relationship, regardless of their intentions when it started.

My DP snores like a jumbo jet. I appreciate I'm lucky as although it can be mildly irritating, I can still sleep. I'd be looking to explore all alternatives such as ear plugs, anti-snoring aids etc before accepting that we just sleep separately. I'm not a sleep hugger either, but I like knowing he's there if I wake up in the night. And I'm not especially clingy or insecure either, it just makes me feel happy to sleep close to him.

I know the vast, vast majority of PP who have commented are all pro separate rooms. If you're happy with your set-up then that's brilliant for you. l'm only commenting because there's not really been anyone describing how rejected her DH might be feeling right now. Doesn't matter if it's a logical reason, emotions aren't always about common sense!

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 01:22

@ExhaustedFlamingo

I'm with your DH too. I'd be devastated if my OH wanted to sleep separately all of the time. I think it leads to a lack of intimacy. Having a healthy sex life and a cuddle before you "toddle off" to your own room is not the same as sharing a bed in the night. I think I'd probably be OK if a partner suggested this for a couple of nights a week, but if it were a permanent, every night thing it would absolutely have an effect on the relationship.

And I know a few couples who do sleep separately and they have definitely drifted into a more platonic type of relationship, regardless of their intentions when it started.

My DP snores like a jumbo jet. I appreciate I'm lucky as although it can be mildly irritating, I can still sleep. I'd be looking to explore all alternatives such as ear plugs, anti-snoring aids etc before accepting that we just sleep separately. I'm not a sleep hugger either, but I like knowing he's there if I wake up in the night. And I'm not especially clingy or insecure either, it just makes me feel happy to sleep close to him.

I know the vast, vast majority of PP who have commented are all pro separate rooms. If you're happy with your set-up then that's brilliant for you. l'm only commenting because there's not really been anyone describing how rejected her DH might be feeling right now. Doesn't matter if it's a logical reason, emotions aren't always about common sense!

I totally appreciate that you would be upset and can empathise with your reasons, but in an otherwise strong relationship, wouldn't you feel that your partner being able to have a decent sleep and feel well rested was the priority over you feeling emotional about something when you are conscious as you say that it isn't a logical thing? I wouldn't want my partner to sleep badly, because I love him. If you have a good sex life and intimacy otherwise like OP it feels so selfish to prefer the person whose sleep suffers to suffer rather than compromising on it.
Goosefoot · 05/10/2020 01:34

I think it's fine, but also it's not unusual for someone to feel like your husband does. In a way it's nice, he wants you to enjoy being with him and also probably enjoys you being there.

Maybe if you start out together and you move if he wakes you?

Bluewavescrashing · 05/10/2020 01:41

We have separate bedrooms with our own ensuites. It's glorious!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 05/10/2020 01:45

Funny how it's always the noisy fucker, the one whose sleep isn't affected, that whinges about separate beds.

Sleep loss long term massively affects mental and physical health.

The snorer needs to fix their problem or not moan that their suffering partner needs proper sleep in another room.

StarlightLady · 05/10/2020 02:22

Certainly an issue you need to communicate carefully about. I don’t think there is a right and wrong here. Every case is different. I live alone. But when l have sex my preference is to to enjoy it during the day rather than it becoming something you just do when you go to bed.

But beyond that, l see the bed as a bonding place. I have some close female friends that when they stay climb in and spend the night with me, although l have a spare bed and a sofa bed. It’s not a sex thing, it’s also a “friendship bed”.

rainydayslover · 05/10/2020 02:27

I've been married for 3 years and we have been sleeping in separate since dc was born. I sleep with dc and DH sleeps in the main bedroom. DH is a snorer and he twists and turns a lot. I get a better nights sleep with dc waking frequently than with sleeping with DH.

1forAll74 · 05/10/2020 03:01

I think that a lot of couples may sleep separately, for the same reason that you do. Some sleep apart for many other reasons as well I suppose. It's a shame that your Husband doesn't wan't you to be apart in bed, but he should respect what you think is best for you, and hopefully doesn't go all huffy about it.

FuckYouCorona · 05/10/2020 03:13

DH & I sleep separately, but only because he falls asleep in the recliner downstairs. I don't mind & enjoy my own space. When he slept in the bedroom & snored I used wax earplugs & found they worked very well. I'd give them a try because your marriage seems at risk. Your DH must be feeling very rejected that something that wasn't an issue for years has suddenly become one with no apparent change.

Florencex · 05/10/2020 03:23

I have been with my husband for about 16 years and we have slept in separate bedrooms for about 7 or 8 years. I think his snoring has got worse as he has put on a bit of weight the last few years. I snore too but he is able to ignore it whilst I find the sound of it very distracting and can’t sleep.

We have even got to the point where we book a suite when we go on holiday so we can sleep separately as for the last few years we have had so many arguments about sleep whilst away. I have some white noise ear buds that I take on holiday which help a bit but are not really comfortable as I sleep on my side and they dig in.

I think we both wish we could sleep in the same bed but we also both accept that it doesn’t work for us.

SuzieQQQ · 05/10/2020 07:35

Yeah that’s not a big deal at all. My husband snores and goes to sleep in 30 seconds. I cannot get to sleep because of it. I started sleeping in the spare room and I love it! I jump into his bed in the weekends. Works perfectly for us.

Morgana7 · 05/10/2020 07:38

What would you do if you went on holiday? Would you book somewhere with two rooms or just try and share again? I’m tempted to get DP and I to sleep separately as we are both such light sleepers and keep waking each other up with the slightest movement or noise. Worried it will get to the point where we just can’t ever sleep beside each other again though

blueberrypie0112 · 05/10/2020 07:38

I have been married to my husband for over 18 years and we sleep separately on and off. I can’t sleep , every movement he makes wake me up. He can’t sleep because I can’t sleep lol.

blueberrypie0112 · 05/10/2020 07:40

But I do want to sleep in the same bed. I am thinking about a bigger bed for us. As we get older, I want him to be able to wake me up in case of health emergency.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 05/10/2020 07:53

Dp is the snorer in the relationship but I would be really upset if he wanted to sleep separately. If it was sudden I would think he was hiding something tbh

gamerchick · 05/10/2020 08:00

@Igotthemheavyboobs

Dp is the snorer in the relationship but I would be really upset if he wanted to sleep separately. If it was sudden I would think he was hiding something tbh
Even if he had repeatedly told you what the problem was?
gamerchick · 05/10/2020 08:01

@blueberrypie0112

But I do want to sleep in the same bed. I am thinking about a bigger bed for us. As we get older, I want him to be able to wake me up in case of health emergency.
If it's movement that wakes you, seperate beds pushed together might work.
Seasidegrandma · 05/10/2020 08:02

It maybe that he has sleep apnoea, which is treatable with the use of a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) machine. Perhaps he needs to see his GP.

ScrapThatThen · 05/10/2020 08:03

Well what's his suggested solution to your problem? I guess (without prioritising his feelings too much) it is that he is feeling hurt and rejected, and he is anxious about what this means. But instead of thinking what you need he is trying to steamroller you back to calm his anxiety.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 05/10/2020 08:05

@sapnupuas

This would be my dream, but the rooms would be in separate houses.
Same! Grin