Page 4 | To think there is nothing wrong with sleeping separately

RandomMess · 05/10/2020 09:44

DH misses us sharing a bed but I'm much nicer now I am getting a decent sleep and he is much happier now I'm not waking him up multiple times per night for keeping me awake...

FrancoBranco · 05/10/2020 09:44

@newnameforthis123

My ex used to come and wake me up and tell me I should come back to bed if I moved rooms during the night. It was cruel and controlling. I'm not saying at all that your partner is either of those things, but the principle of wanting someone to sleep less well because it makes you feel better is so selfish. You have a good sex life and are loving when awake. It's pretty nasty to think he prioritises knowing you are there over you actually sleeping well and feeling rested when he sleeps well regardless.

My ex did too. I am a light sleeper and can't stand to be touched or hugged in my sleep, but if I waited for him to fall asleep and moved rooms he would come and wake me up whining "but I just want to be close to you!" As though his neediness took priority over my need to sleep.

It's utterly selfish. I liken it to one person being on a 1000 calorie a day diet, insisting their partner eat so little too and getting annoyed when their partner sneakily hides away and snacks BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING. it's not ok to deprive someone you are supposed to love of one of their basic human needs just because of your preference.

StrawberryWhatsUp · 05/10/2020 09:44

Surely sleep is more important than someone's desire to cuddle?

Limona · 05/10/2020 09:45

But mrs, as I’ve said, it isn’t just about the snoring. Although quite honestly that isn’t as simple as you seem to think it is. White noise would just mean I had a fucking annoying noise to deal with on top of a rasping warthog, ear plugs that could cancel out his snoring would mean I couldn’t hear my own baby and plus they really are not comfortable.

I am actually flabbergasted that an adult would insist another adult kills them with sleep deprivation because of a need to ‘snuggle’: that would be selfish from a six year old, tbh.

marmite79 · 05/10/2020 09:45

It’s only sleeping. As long as you are intimate imo it doesn’t matter if you don’t share a bed. I snore bad occasionally and I also clench my jaw at night 😫 and often oh will end up sleeping downstairs. We are all good though!

mrsm43s · 05/10/2020 09:52

@Limona

But mrs, as I’ve said, it isn’t just about the snoring. Although quite honestly that isn’t as simple as you seem to think it is. White noise would just mean I had a fucking annoying noise to deal with on top of a rasping warthog, ear plugs that could cancel out his snoring would mean I couldn’t hear my own baby and plus they really are not comfortable.

I am actually flabbergasted that an adult would insist another adult kills them with sleep deprivation because of a need to ‘snuggle’: that would be selfish from a six year old, tbh.

Very obviously its your way or the highway, and you refuse to see or consider any one else's needs.

That level of breathtaking selfishness would be a dealbreaker for me, but fortunately I'm not in a relationship with you, so its not really about me. If your partner is happy to fall in with your wishes that that is great. Personally I want to be with someone who considers my needs as well as their own, and who would work towards a compromise/shared solution.

Limona · 05/10/2020 09:57

I don’t think it’s remotely breathtakingly selfish to sleep in separate rooms and I’m honestly lost as to how you’ve extrapolated that it is, to be honest.

The alternative is to wait up until midnight which is when DH goes to bed, then lie awake until 3am as he snores. Then I wake him at 530 getting up. Result - two exhausted adults.

As it is, I go to bed around 930, which is very early but that’s because I am up early. DH will give ds a bottle of expressed breast milk at around half ten. DH goes to sleep at midnight, snores to his hearts content, I wake up at 530, feed the baby, get myself showered and dressed for work and have ds up and out for his day at nursery before 8, which is when DH gets up.

According to you, a snuggle should mean two adults fumbling around on about 5 hours sleep each? And you really think that is reasonable?

StrawberryWhatsUp · 05/10/2020 10:02

Yeah I guess I don't consider snuggling at night a need in the same way I do sleep.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 10:04

But DH and I are "sharers". We have two cars and share them - not "my car" and "your car", we share finances not "my money" and "your money", we don't really have anything we don't share. Sharing cars, finance etc has absolutely no impact on your sleep though! Yet another false equivalence!

Sleep deprivation is not an easy thing to deal with. It's used as a torture methid for very good reason!

QuizzlyBear · 05/10/2020 10:05

We've been very happily married for nearly 20 years and spent the last four in separate rooms as his snoring has become epic and I have become a very light sleeper.

We tried for months / years to sleep together after his snoring increased but constantly felt exhausted and irritable. Now he has the spare room and I have the master bedroom (well, he's the one that snores!) and are so much happier for it! We still cuddle and enjoy long, lazy lie-ins 😉 at the weekend and in the early morning, but those core hours of good sleep are the best thing EVER.

YADNBU, OP 😁

FrillyLampshade · 05/10/2020 10:05

YANBU. I think sleep deprivation overwhelms everything else in life.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 10:09

That level of breathtaking selfishness would be a dealbreaker for me, You see that's as selfish and unyielding as you say the poster you are berating is.

A deal breaker seems to be one of those weirdly undefinable things. For me it isn't the snoring, not finding a fix that suits both parties or even finding sleeping alone lonely. A dealbreaker is insisting that someone has to do what you want, no matter what the cost to themselves.

DH has tried many things, but even when fit as a fiddle, ideal body weight etc, he snored... so we sleep separately! He got used to it. He appreciated how hard it is to function with only an hour or so's broken sleep. He isn't a selfish twat... just a snorer!

mrsm43s · 05/10/2020 10:09

@Limona

I don’t think it’s remotely breathtakingly selfish to sleep in separate rooms and I’m honestly lost as to how you’ve extrapolated that it is, to be honest.

The alternative is to wait up until midnight which is when DH goes to bed, then lie awake until 3am as he snores. Then I wake him at 530 getting up. Result - two exhausted adults.

As it is, I go to bed around 930, which is very early but that’s because I am up early. DH will give ds a bottle of expressed breast milk at around half ten. DH goes to sleep at midnight, snores to his hearts content, I wake up at 530, feed the baby, get myself showered and dressed for work and have ds up and out for his day at nursery before 8, which is when DH gets up.

According to you, a snuggle should mean two adults fumbling around on about 5 hours sleep each? And you really think that is reasonable?

It's breathtakingly selfish to disregard your partner's feelings, on either side.

If he is happy with the solution that is fine.

If he is not happy, and tells you so, and you dismiss his feelings as unimportant, that is breathtakingly selfish.

All I am saying is (for the billionth time) that a solution that suits BOTH should be found

If you are not prepared to consider your partners feelings that's a big issue.

AlwaysLatte · 05/10/2020 10:12

I think it would be better to try to solve the snoring issue tbh.

Mumoftwo1994 · 05/10/2020 10:12

@PickledPicklesPicked

And my husband is being unfair?

Basically I've started sleeping in the spare room recently. My husband snores sort of. He sleeps with his mouth open so the back of his throat clicks and catches, it's not hugely loud but it's enough that I notice and then can't sleep / get back to sleep once I've heard it. It was driving me insane and neither of us were getting a good night's sleep as I was constantly nudging him awake as well to get him to stop.

Since I've been sleeping on my own it's been bliss but DH is saying he thinks we shouldn't be sleeping separately already, I mustn't like him as much anymore, why do I want my own space so much etc etc...

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

Aibu to think it's fine and doesn't mean there's a problem and that it's unfair of him to make me feel guilty for doing so when it's him thats keeping me awake all night?!

I used to love sleeping separately, due to some health issues on my part we can't at the minute but myself and my partner used to have at least 3 days a week separate because I snore and sleep talk and he snores too, I miss it 😂

Limona · 05/10/2020 10:17

But sometimes feelings are not equal.

I might feel that I want DH to quit his job and stay at home with me during the day because I’m bored and sad and lonely. Result - no money, no future, repossessed house, that wouldn’t be a reasonable demand by anybody’s guess, would it?

DH might feel he wants to explore the Andes, and doesn’t want to do it alone. Am I disregarding his feelings by refusing?

Now obviously those things are one person being demanding and selfish, but I do feel the sleep argument falls into these categories, tbh.

It is hard to explain to those who haven’t been there what being permanently deprived of a settled nights sleep is. It means walking around in a fog of nausea, exhaustion and irritability. It means you simply can’t enjoy the things you used to: even things like driving to somewhere lovely and exploring it are out, because the car journey will exhaust you. Afternoons pass by in a hazy slump. Evenings are spent fighting yawns.

Sometimes you have an issue in relationships where there isn’t a right or wrong. My own parents had this. My dad was an early riser - just the way he was. My mother was very much not an early riser My mum used to complain to me about my dad going to bed early and leaving her sitting in the lounge by herself and tbh even then I used to inwardly roll my eyes a bit.

Good relationships aren’t about snuggling and skin to skin, they are about loving the other person. I don’t think it’s loving for either of us to make the other miserable.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 10:18

All I am saying is (for the billionth time) that a solution that suits BOTH should be found You are still gnoring the issue though.

Snoring cannot always be stopped. What then?

That's the point some posters here, like myself, reached. You seem to be saying that if the decision taken by the non smoring partner was then to sleep alone you'd leave a relationship!

You said
If he is not happy, and tells you so, and you dismiss his feelings as unimportant, that is breathtakingly selfish.

You, like many of the partners who dismiss sleeping alone because they want to snuggle up, don't seem to take in the reality of sleep deprivation!

CurlyStrawsRock · 05/10/2020 10:19

Me and my DH have had separate beds and bedrooms since we first lived together in our mid 20s. I'd probably prefer to share if we could have a good nights sleep but we don't so what's the point? I get to share with our little DD when she can't share which is just bliss.

CurlyStrawsRock · 05/10/2020 10:19

^^when she can't sleep

timeforawine · 05/10/2020 10:20

Why should my baby ds be at risk because DH snores like a warthog? It’s not DHs fault but his need to ‘snuggle’ (and my honest reaction to that is ffs, are you both 5? hmm) does not trump my right to a decent nights sleep.

YES :-D though my child is 4, i still need to listen out for her if she has a bad dream/needs the toilet (can't reach the light)

YukoandHiro · 05/10/2020 10:22

Has he offered to do anything to address the snoring/throat issues? If he's unhappy that should be his first port of call.
Many marriages have broken down over snoring - usually because the snorer refuses to accept there's an issue until the other partner has lost the will to save the relationship

CuntyMcBollocks · 05/10/2020 10:25

We're exactly the same OP. My DH is a terrible snorer and is asleep the moment he closes his eyes and will then snore and keep me awake. When he's too loud, I'll sleep in our DD's room as the noise drives me insane!

FrancoBranco · 05/10/2020 10:25

Sleep > snuggles

I'm not even sure why this is an argument?

All the posters who insist their partner must sleep with them sound desperately insecure. If the only thing holding your relationship together is enforced sleep closeness then you have some big problems my friend.

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 10:26

Very obviously its your way or the highway, and you refuse to see or consider any one else's needs.

That level of breathtaking selfishness would be a dealbreaker for me, but fortunately I'm not in a relationship with you, so its not really about me. If your partner is happy to fall in with your wishes that that is great. Personally I want to be with someone who considers my needs as well as their own, and who would work towards a compromise/shared solution.

Bloody hell what a spiteful messaged You sound really angry, ironically as if you didn't sleep well...

Limona · 05/10/2020 10:26

The problem is that snoring is normal. It’s unpleasant when forced into sharing a bed, but it is normal.

I could send DH on a merry go round of doctors and tests and various things like that but tbh I think that would probably serve to make him feel self conscious and embarrassed and I would then feel bloody awful if at the end of it he is STILL snoring, which is fairly likely! (I actually think with DH it is related to alcohol.)

Ear plugs are not the magic solution MN think they are. They muffled noise, don’t eliminate it, and they aren’t really very comfortable. Plus as I’ve said before, if they did eliminate noise from DH snoring they’d eliminate noise from DS crying. Not a solution at all.