To think there is nothing wrong with sleeping separately

[PickledPicklesPicked]

And my husband is being unfair?

Basically I've started sleeping in the spare room recently. My husband snores sort of. He sleeps with his mouth open so the back of his throat clicks and catches, it's not hugely loud but it's enough that I notice and then can't sleep / get back to sleep once I've heard it. It was driving me insane and neither of us were getting a good night's sleep as I was constantly nudging him awake as well to get him to stop.

Since I've been sleeping on my own it's been bliss but DH is saying he thinks we shouldn't be sleeping separately already, I mustn't like him as much anymore, why do I want my own space so much etc etc...

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

Aibu to think it's fine and doesn't mean there's a problem and that it's unfair of him to make me feel guilty for doing so when it's him thats keeping me awake all night?!

@Seasidegrandma

It maybe that he has sleep apnoea, which is treatable with the use of a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) machine. Perhaps he needs to see his GP.

My husband has one, but it did not make it better for me for some strange reason, when he turn to face me (and I turn to face him because of my hip issues) i can smell his machine. It is not supposed to put out a smell but I think the heater of the machine is too strong for me.

I love the fact that he says he has always made the noises, how could he possibly know that? Surely he wants you to sleep well? Are you not grumpy and unpleasant to be around when you haven't had a good nights sleep? I know I would be!

Separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms for us.
According to my h I snore and he doesn't, when in fact he snores as much as me. Our quality of sleep was awful. I'm a cold sleeper, he's a hot one, plus he's a night owl and I'm an early riser - our sleeping habits are totally imcompatible. We have been together for 25 years and it cetainly hasn't affected our relationship. Quite the opposite really. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip 24 hours a day. We avoid small niggles about behaviour by sleeping apart.
I share a superking with my dog, who doesn't care if I snore or get up at 5.30.

I got so sleep deprived I could have killed him just for the relief in the immediate silence!

He sleeps like a starfish, on his back, head covered, feet out, snoring fit to wake the dead. And he thrashes around too. I used to lie awake on the very edge of the bed humming "50 ways to kill your lover" and I meant it.

Then we moved and got separate bedrooms. I got my life back, though I do still have issues with insomnia that I did not have prior to him and his snoring. If you think you hear resentment in that, you are right. His inabilty to accept his snoring, apnoea etc, has had long term detrimental effect on my health!

Anyone who snores and feels put out because their partner wants a different room to sleep in needs to stop and have a serious rethink. Your snoring is quite literally torturing your partner, depriving them of sleep and disrupting their thought patterns. Do something about your snoring and/or accept that YOU are the issue and your partner has made a sensible decision.

And yes. If we go on holiday we book 2 hotel rooms or a larger than necessary holiday cottage. I won't ever sleep in the same room, or bed, as DH. Or rather I cannot...

My fiancée and I have separate rooms. He’s a very light sleeper when it comes to movement and noise and he also snores. He likes a pitch black room. I like natural light in the morning. For all his adult life he slept alone, then I moved in. He’s tall so sleeps diagonally across the bed. He now sleeps in a smaller room and I’m in the big one, which I am filling with pets! We both sleep better and have plenty of sex. We come in and out of each other’s rooms for cuddles and sex. Also, he can fart in his own room and I don’t have to deal with it!

This would be my dream, but the rooms would be in separate houses.

😂😂😂

Seriously though my boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds sometimes as I like to be on my phone for a while before bed and he claims it distracts him from sleep. And apparently I snore (I don't its him that bloody snores!). Tbh I get my bed sleep when it's just me in the bed!

I think bed sharing is probably the biggest lie we are sold. It’s awful, and I can’t understand how anybody enjoys it (I’m not having a go at those who do, by the way.)

Apart from snoring, rolling over, disturbing the other person when you need a piss, breathing on them - it’s just really, really NICE at the end of a busy day to sleep alone.

@Seasidegrandma

It maybe that he has sleep apnoea, which is treatable with the use of a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) machine. Perhaps he needs to see his GP.

My DH has one of these. It made the world of difference to his snoring and has improved his health in general. I personally find the sound of the machine really relaxing, and often drift off dreaming of a seaside breeze on board a pirate ship!

Even if he had repeatedly told you what the problem was?

Well as I said, he is the snorer so yes, I would think this was the begining of the end.

We sleep in separate beds too, both sleep well, still lots of affection and intimacy

I would have a problem with my partner making long term plans to sleep separately from me, and setting up their own bedroom tbh.

For me sleeping together, cuddling/snuggling and waking up together are very bonding and intimate. Quite separate to sex, they are very important in their own right, and I'd feel sad and rejected if DH made the decision to permanently move to another room. Obviously, if there was a short term need to sleep separately to catch up on sleep, or perhaps if one of us had a cold etc, then a few days apart is no big deal.

I guess its much like eating together. If one of us had plans that meant we couldn't eat together sometimes, or if occasionally fancied something different to each other, then cooking/eating separately would be no big deal. But if my DH announced that he no longer ever wanted to share meals with me, and so wanted to do his own shopping and cooking and have his own food cupboards and food stores, I'd find that sad and would feel rejected. Because its a shared, bonding activity. An opportunity to take time together.

But DH and I are "sharers". We have two cars and share them - not "my car" and "your car", we share finances not "my money" and "your money", we don't really have anything we don't share.

In OPs situation, we would be working towards a solution where we could both sleep well and still share a bed. So white noise/ear plugs/medical checks/change of routine etc, rather than setting up separate bedrooms.

I had the worst nights sleep because my husband was tossing and turning all night so right now i am for separate rooms!

My cousin and her husband have separate rooms and they love it, theyve been married nearly 20 years so it must work.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, im a demon if i don't get a good nights sleep and if your relationship is great otherwise then why not? Definitly think its more common than we think!

You see mrs, this is what drives me a bit bonkers about the whole bed sharing thing.

At night, I don’t want to ‘snuggle’ and ‘cuddle’. I’m TIRED. I want to SLEEP. I need to sleep!

And I do resent the suggestion that because I am a FT working mum of an extremely young child and therefore desperately need my sleep that I am somehow not a ‘sharer.’ Sometimes, you just hit a bit of a stalemate with something.

Ear plugs are really uncomfortable if you sleep on your side and not practical with babies and toddlers in the house. Why should my baby ds be at risk because DH snores like a warthog? It’s not DHs fault but his need to ‘snuggle’ (and my honest reaction to that is ffs, are you both 5? ) does not trump my right to a decent nights sleep.

@Limona

I think bed sharing is probably the biggest lie we are sold. It’s awful, and I can’t understand how anybody enjoys it (I’m not having a go at those who do, by the way.)

Apart from snoring, rolling over, disturbing the other person when you need a piss, breathing on them - it’s just really, really NICE at the end of a busy day to sleep alone.

Well tbf it's just a left over from the days of extreme poverty isn't it?

@Igotthemheavyboobs

Even if he had repeatedly told you what the problem was?

Well as I said, he is the snorer so yes, I would think this was the begining of the end.

So absolutely doesn't apply to you anyway? The OP can't sleep for the noises her bloke makes and wants a good nights sleep, even if they means sleeping seperately. Where does that translate into she's hiding something?

We have separate bedrooms, married over 30 years, I couldn't bear to be 'snuggled up' with someone in bed, I need my space.

It's the only downside to holidays .... hate sharing a room, we went to a s/c place this year and I preferred to sleep on the sofa bed.

I think an adult telling another adult they want them to share the marital bed sounds very needy and controlling.

Separate rooms is a marriage saver. It works wonders. Sometimes when we go on holiday we even get separate beds.
If it's good enough for good old Prince Charles then its good enough for us

@Limona

You see mrs, this is what drives me a bit bonkers about the whole bed sharing thing.

At night, I don’t want to ‘snuggle’ and ‘cuddle’. I’m TIRED. I want to SLEEP. I need to sleep!

And I do resent the suggestion that because I am a FT working mum of an extremely young child and therefore desperately need my sleep that I am somehow not a ‘sharer.’ Sometimes, you just hit a bit of a stalemate with something.

Ear plugs are really uncomfortable if you sleep on your side and not practical with babies and toddlers in the house. Why should my baby ds be at risk because DH snores like a warthog? It’s not DHs fault but his need to ‘snuggle’ (and my honest reaction to that is ffs, are you both 5? ) does not trump my right to a decent nights sleep.

But that's all about what you want and what you need. There's two of you in the relationship!

And as a full time mother of two young children just a year apart, I found it more important that ever to have bonding, intimate time that wasn't restricted to sex.

Cuddles, touch, laying skin on skin next to each other in bed, shared time relaxing together are all important to me. If my DH ignored that, and just took himself off to another room so he could meet his own needs at the exclusion of mine, I would feel sad and rejected.

That's why I said in my PP that I would be looking for a solution that allowed them to have a good nights sleep whilst staying in the same bedroom. A shared solution, not a solution for one individual, with the other left without consideration. Sleep is important, but so is intimacy and feeling that your partner wants to spend time with you.

full time WORKING mother

It’s not about wants, it’s about needs. Are you seriously saying that I should lie awake until 3 in the morning, night after night after night? Honestly?

If he doesn’t want you to sleep separately then he needs to fix his snoring.

It might be just different people. Cuddling in bed and skin on skin with a hairy sweaty bloke - bleerghh! No thanks!

Cuddles, touch, laying skin on skin next to each other in bed, shared time relaxing together are all important to me. If my DH ignored that, and just took himself off to another room so he could meet his own needs at the exclusion of mine, I would feel sad and rejected

Tbh what you've painted sounds a bit suffocating.

Is he allowed some private time to pull his pud or would that make up feel sad as well?

@emilyfrost

If he doesn’t want you to sleep separately then he needs to fix his snoring.

Pretty much the crux of it. Unfortunately, snorers can be incredibly selfish because after all, it's not them thats sufferering.

Well unless it's sleep apnea, where they're at risk of heart attacks n shit if it's ignored.

@Limona

It’s not about wants, it’s about needs. Are you seriously saying that I should lie awake until 3 in the morning, night after night after night? Honestly?

No. That's completely not what I said.

I have said that there needs to be a solution found that suits BOTH parties.

You want a solution that suits only you.
Snorers who want their partner to stay with them, unable to sleep, without making any changes want a solution that suits only them.

A shared solution, such as medical attention (for the snoring), white noise, earplugs, changes in routine, snoring strips, changes in ventilation etc, etc is the way to go. This is a solution for BOTH.

Both partners needs should be considered.