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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is nothing wrong with sleeping separately

126 replies

PickledPicklesPicked · 03/10/2020 23:39

And my husband is being unfair?

Basically I've started sleeping in the spare room recently. My husband snores sort of. He sleeps with his mouth open so the back of his throat clicks and catches, it's not hugely loud but it's enough that I notice and then can't sleep / get back to sleep once I've heard it. It was driving me insane and neither of us were getting a good night's sleep as I was constantly nudging him awake as well to get him to stop.

Since I've been sleeping on my own it's been bliss but DH is saying he thinks we shouldn't be sleeping separately already, I mustn't like him as much anymore, why do I want my own space so much etc etc...

We still have a good sex life, we are still affectionate but just when it comes to sleep, I want to sleep alone.

Aibu to think it's fine and doesn't mean there's a problem and that it's unfair of him to make me feel guilty for doing so when it's him thats keeping me awake all night?!

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 05/10/2020 10:27

How old are you both? I can see his point here TBH .Sleeping alone doesnt suit everyone,and there is a comfort in being in the same room as someone else.However you need your sleep too .What about some really good earplugs ?My Cousin swears by hers ,as her DH snores very loudly! Maybe a chat with GP .There are sleep clinics around which may be able to help. For those saying single rooms works for them well and good but it doesnt work for everyone and your hubby is feeling rejected!

Limona · 05/10/2020 10:28

It’s weird how my baby happily sleeps alone but somehow adults need snuggling to sleep! This is nuts!

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 05/10/2020 10:32

My husband has always snored but two things have made this now unbearable. As I've hit perimenopause I have difficulty sleeping so any disruption to the little sleep I get makes me very stressed. He has put on a lot of weight and so his snoring is like an earthquake. You can hear him snoring from downstairs with the doors shut (and I don't mean the room below). I just lie there getting more and more stressed as lack of sleep really affects how I function the next day.

gamerchick · 05/10/2020 10:33

@Limona

It’s weird how my baby happily sleeps alone but somehow adults need snuggling to sleep! This is nuts!

That's a whole other thread that is. Co sleeping with your kids is a massive no no but not bedsharing with another adult brings gasps of horror

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 10:42

What about some really good earplugs Seriously? You can imagine a world where someone with a heavy snoring partner doesn't think about earplugs... and spend months/pounds trying the many and varied offerings.

OK!

Straven123 · 05/10/2020 10:46

I'm sure I read in the best seller book Breathe that mouth breathing is v bad for you and taping your mouth shut is the way to go to feel healthier and sleep better.
Buy him the book, and some tape, or one of those chin straps that are advertised to improve your jawline ( or some similar reason) - he should be the one to fix the problem.

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/10/2020 10:47

Snoring and sleep noises get worse as one gets older. I put up with DH snoring for 13 years before I said "I can't do this any more".

He wasn't happy with my decision at first, but accepted it. (You have no right to TELL your wife where she can or cannot sleep. That would have been a deal breaker.) Your sleep quality is very important. It makes a huge difference to your overall well being.

The waking doesn't affect them so they don't understand or appreciate the problem.

I just LOVE having my own bedroom. It has not affected our marriage at all. If anything, it's more romantic. We've had separate rooms now for 15 years and it's lovely.

Pyewhacket · 05/10/2020 10:55

It would make a difference to me if my husband suddenly decided to move into the spare room. It would mark a change in our relationship.

moveandmove · 05/10/2020 10:58

Sleeping in the bed with dp is very important to both of us. We fall asleep cuddling and touch each other if we wake up in the night. Its another level of intimacy. He snores slightly as he's falling asleep but I'm a heavy sleeper so it doesn't bother me.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 11:01

@Pyewhacket

It would make a difference to me if my husband suddenly decided to move into the spare room. It would mark a change in our relationship.

Well, yes! But would you refuse to listen to his explanations, to have a discussion about it?

We discussed it for a while before I moved out of the shared bed, about 30 years ago. He tried what he could, I tried what I could. Nothing satisfied both of us and I was still sleep deprived. So it was no surprise when I moved. DH didn't like it. For a few years he would occasionally try and get me to move back, but always took 'no' for an answer. We don't have an issue with it now. He snores... I sleep!

CharityRoyall · 05/10/2020 11:02

My boyfriend and I have separate rooms and it’s a life saver. I felt weird about it at first with people commenting how strange it was but God I love it. We both sleep so much better and aren’t grumpy with each other. We’re both light sleepers and woke each other up constantly. The last time we shared a bed was a few months ago when we had people to stay and it was awful, we were so grumpy and shattered the next day. Never again!!

Limona · 05/10/2020 11:05

Mine would love to cuddle to sleep and touch me when he wakes up.

The first night we spent together I very nearly broke things off. I ended up lying like a statue because every time I twitched so much as a toe he started stroking my leg or grabbing my arse or wanting to cuddle. I finally screamed GET OFF at 4 in the morning.

We are different people, that is all it is. I know given his way he’d be touching constantly. It’s not for me. I’d never get a wink of sleep, and I’m sorry but he really isn’t a baby and he doesn’t need cuddling to sleep.

FippertyGibbett · 05/10/2020 11:14

OMG I’d love my own room.
There is nothing wrong with sleeping separately, you need good quality sleep. It’s torture struggling through the day when your sleep has been disrupted.

MadamShazam · 05/10/2020 11:15

YANBU. Havn't slept next to Dh for over 7 years! His snoring is awful and makes me feel murderous.

Pyewhacket · 05/10/2020 11:27

Well, yes! But would you refuse to listen to his explanations, to have a discussion about it?

I couldn't stop him BUT it would mark a change in our relationship. As long as he understood that.

RandomMess · 05/10/2020 11:29

When we go away and have to share a bed I have to take hypnotic sleeping tablets

MagicSummer · 05/10/2020 11:45

DH is an epic snorer - I am a very light sleeper. Luckily he usually falls asleep on the sofa downstairs and stays there all night. He moans occasionally about not going to bed, and sometimes I feel guilty for not waking him up, BUT he's awful to sleep with, he constantly wants to cuddle or stroke me, and I hate being touched when I am trying to sleep! Double beds really are the worst invention ever!

Unfortunately, we only have one bed in the house, as we use the other bedrooms for different purposes. I really want to get another bed so that we both get to go to bed, but one of us can go to the other room if disturbing the other - he doesn't want me to!!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 11:50

I couldn't stop him BUT it would mark a change in our relationship. As long as he understood that. I do get what yu mean, really I do. But the relationship would have already been changed - by the snoring!

Snoring = cause
Separate roomes = effect

Random me too. It ruins the next day and really isn't what I want to be doing to my body!

AlternativePerspective · 05/10/2020 12:04

Neither is wrong though. OP isn’t wrong to want to sleep separately, and he isn’t wrong to be upset about the fact.

And TBH I think that if my partner insisted on separate bedrooms but thought that it was ok to come back for sex I would feel really used.

Reedwarbler · 05/10/2020 12:17

Well we are all different, but I really couldn't stand being touched when I was asleep. However, neither my h or I are touchy feely people. The thought of 'snuggling' with a man who has more than likely been sweating during the night, and now has dog's breath to boot as he pulls you into his hairy naked arms and whispers sweet nothings in the direction of your face, isn't pleasant. This is after having spent the night 'touching' you whenever he feels like it, which sounds like some sort of masturbatory fantasy.
If we are doing any touching, it's mutually enjoyed. A bloke manhandling my arse in the middle of the night when I'm asleep is just rude, even if it is my husband. It's my body, not his.

Clytemnestra2 · 05/10/2020 12:21

Completely with you OP. We’ve recently moved to a house with an extra bedroom, mainly for this reason! My husband snores and I’m a light sleeper (especially so after having children, I think I can’t fall into a deep sleep in case one of the kids needs me). We are affectionate, have sex etc, but sleep separately and it’s not been a problem at all.

Our relationship is very strong and I think because we both know this there’s no anxiety or overthinking about this. It’s simply the best way of us both getting the sleep we need.

The only slight problem is that we can’t quite justify paying for an extra room when we go on holidays, so both end up pretty tired. And very ready for our separate bedrooms when we return home!

amusedbush · 05/10/2020 12:23

DH and I slept separately before but we moved house in February and decided to try sharing a bed again. He likes to cuddle and pet me when he comes to bed, which he has grudgingly agreed to stop. However, he snores/talks/farts/steals the duvet and it's driving me mad because I'm a terrible sleeper at the best of times. He also doesn't do it every night, it's totally random so I never know what to expect.

I looked at buying another bed for the spare room but he says he really likes sleeping beside me. I'm going to buy wax ear plus as a last-ditch effort but if those don't work, I'm moving rooms.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/10/2020 12:53

And TBH I think that if my partner insisted on separate bedrooms but thought that it was ok to come back for sex I would feel really used You'd feel worse if he ddn't pop in every now and then though, wouldn't you

We make date nights. He likes sneak attacks. Both work. We don't miss out. And I am usually awake enough, lacking in resentment, to properly enjoy it!

notfromstepford · 05/10/2020 13:42

I'm with you OP. Separate rooms is the way to go with a terrible snorer. Mine also talks in his sleep (as do the kids) so I have never got a full unbroken night sleep. But it has much improved over the last 4 years since I decided to move to the spare room. I don't see what the big deal is? He wasn't overly happy about it to begin with but accepted it. He then realised that he sleeps better & I sleep better so where's the downside? I've never liked being cuddled in bed anyway so it makes precisely fuck all difference other than I'm not so grumpy and snappy.

LucyRivers167 · 05/10/2020 14:26

@RandomMess what tablets do you take? None of the ones I've tried work on me. I also have a massive snorer of a boyfriend and will have to share a bed for a holiday soon.

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