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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at new boss' pregnancy?

293 replies

Biscoffscoff · 03/10/2020 21:04

Ok so I know I probably am. But I need to vent (and preferably not at a pregnant woman) And maybe get some advice about boundaries.

I work in child protection, and it's a stressful job. I'm not going to complain about that part - you have to accept that when you choose the role. But having a good manager makes a massive difference to being able to do the job without burning out, especially as good supervision helps deal with the emotional side of the work. The nature of the job means it's very difficult for people to cover if a manager isn't available - not just because the other managers are too busy with their teams but even if they were free, the manager needs to know the families and the dynamics to be able to help.

The woman who got the managers job used to do (my level) job years ago, so she knows what it's like to be in it. She left to move away from front line work as she wanted more a break/more predictable hours. I was surprised to hear that she'd gone for the job.

A month into post and she's announced her pregnancy. She's already had to take quite a lot of time off sick, or working from home - the team aren't WFH and not having the manager in the building is difficult.

I can't help but be a little bit peed off that she went for this job. She got married earlier in the year and from what I've heard from colleagues in her old team, she was very open about hopes of starting a family once she was married. I know noone knows when/if it's going to happen when TTC but her old job was secure and far less stress, so I just feel a bit peeved that she chose this time to go for this job. I can't imagine that she would/could return to the post after mat leave - the job really isn't accommodating for childcare. I know thats not very feminist but it's the reality - its mainly a female workforce and people usually move out of this part to have kids and move back when they're older.

New boss is already asking me to cover for tasks when she's not in, or in late/leaving early, eg supporting less experienced colleagues. I'm also struggling with the idea that I've got no real support for the next six months - doesn't feel like there's any point getting her up to speed when she'll be off soon.

How do I put in boundaries about the extra work that's being expected of me when new boss isn't around? And how do I get past being annoyed that new boss is going to be just passing through, and not really there for support ?

OP posts:
Scaraffito · 04/10/2020 06:40

Honestly, the posts in here have made me wary of seeking direct support through work in case I'm perceived as being discriminatory

Well you should seek support, but make sure it's centred around you, what you're struggling with and what you need, rather than because x is pregnant she isn't doing y etc.

mrsmummy1111 · 04/10/2020 07:28

What a load of rubbish @Pumpertrumper.

Also, isn’t it pretty common knowledge that most women get sick? I feel like it is. I certainly was braced for sickness when I got pregnant at 26. I knew a couple of unicorns who had perfect pregnancies but the VAST majority were not that lucky.

You must not know many women who have been pregnant then, as out of my close friendship group of 9, all of us are now mothers and only ONE of us has had sickness.
Out of 9 NCT babies in my group, 2 mothers had sickness (one was severe HG). I work in a hair salon, 4 of us are mothers. None of us had sickness. Myself and my 3 sisters are all mothers. 2 of my sisters had sickness but it wasn't debilitating and they still went to work for the majority of it. So to suggest that "it's common knowledge that most women get sick" is utter bollocks.

EmJay19 · 04/10/2020 07:34

Poor women trying to get on with their lives putting up with crap like this

India999 · 04/10/2020 07:35

You are being unreasonable and sound like a complete lemon!

It takes some women years to conceive, if at all, and it might very well be the case that she didn't "chose" that time to get pregnant.

Horrific views and incredibly selfish and short sighted!!

India999 · 04/10/2020 07:37

What if she never managed to conceive? Should she have put her career on hold and missed out on that opportunity?? For god's sake op, get a grip!! This is why women are still left behind!!! THINK before you speak.

hardboiledeggs · 04/10/2020 07:39

yabu

Tappering · 04/10/2020 07:48

@India999 suggest you read the OP's updates before you rush to stick the boot in.

ScarMatty · 04/10/2020 07:50

God you're stupid OP

India999 · 04/10/2020 07:58

I've read them. As someone who struggled to conceive, works in a male dominated industry with old fashioned views, and is on track to be in a senior position, I find this opinion at odds with everything I've battled with for years.

Marmitecrackers · 04/10/2020 08:04

YABU. I went for a new job and accompanying PhD required for the role when I had been TTC for a year. Decided life couldn't wait. Good job really as it took me another 5 1/2 years after that to have children.

You don't know her circumstances.

Tappering · 04/10/2020 08:18

@India999

I've read them. As someone who struggled to conceive, works in a male dominated industry with old fashioned views, and is on track to be in a senior position, I find this opinion at odds with everything I've battled with for years.
What, even the OP's apology at 00:20?

I'm infertile and working in a male dominated industry. I don't agree with the OP's position but she posted asking for advice and has continued to be measured even after receiving a roasting. I also dislike people continuing to pile on even after an OP has apologised.

beprofessional · 04/10/2020 08:24

"Everyone is entitled to have a baby on their own schedule, regardless of their job. It’s not up to her, or any woman, to plan her pregnancy around what would be most convenient for other people."

I profoundly disagree with this. Part of being a professional woman is planning your career and this includes the best time to get pregnant. It is extremely annoying to find, after going through a recruitment process, getting everyone together for interviews, going through the on boarding process, getting the new team to mesh, that you have got to do it all again. Especially when it is in an area where relationships, with the team and clients, are of utmost importance. So YANBU OP. Women - be more professional FGS - it is no wonder that employers are worried about
employing women of childbearing age.

India999 · 04/10/2020 08:25

I disagree! I think the main point is still being missed.

PearPickingPorky · 04/10/2020 08:36

Jesus, this thread is something else.

The issue here is the structure of your employer, OP. Not your boss.

You're in a female-dominated workforce. There's a reason for that, OP, what do you think it is? Why are there so few men willing to set their whole life aside to work of the front line of child protection? Why?

The issue here is underfunding in your sector. The reason it's underfunded is partly linked to my question above. No, couples shouldn't forgo their chances of having children in order to further plug holes in a system that has been cut to the bone. If the sector is reliant upon the good nature of women to constantly do more with less, to their own personal detriment, then the absolute fucking least people can do is not bloody moan when a woman gets pregnant.

Tappering · 04/10/2020 08:37

@India999

I disagree! I think the main point is still being missed.
Well I'm sure you calling the OP a "lemon" and telling her that she is "horrific" and "selfish" will help.

Like I said, I disagree with the OP's view. But that doesn't require name calling does it?

ukgift2016 · 04/10/2020 08:45

I'm a social worker OP and I empathize with your concerns.

I am planning to try for a baby and I certainly would not apply for any management positions which would have left my team in the lurch.

I feel as pofessional women we do have a responsibility to plan our career and when we choose to conceive. Is it so bad to think, well I am trying for a baby soon so I better not go for that management job at this time?

I know many will disagree with me but I don't agree with it.

MyPersona · 04/10/2020 08:50

In other organisations, do people REALLY get extra management/staff because someone is taking time off due to illness in pregnancy? Is that a thing?

No. When it happened to me, she took the job, scraped through 3 month probation, told me the next day she was 14 weeks pregnant and then went off sick and never came back. I wasn’t allowed a temp as they constantly hoped she’d come back, and to add insult to injury I had to pay her full bonus as it was a team bonus. Some people, even women, really are arseholes.

DiddlySquatty · 04/10/2020 08:51

I can see it’s a it annoying. Especially if there were other suitable people for the role. But it’s just one of those things. Maybe she thought it would take a bit longer than it I did to ttc? Maybe she has a partner who will be a sahp and enable her to come back full time?

I’m in an similar position to you and for me too having a good manager makes the world of difference to my day to day working life.

But I think I’d prefer your situation to someone with high sickness absence - at least they’ll be able to get a locum or temporary person in when she does go off.

Or what happened in our team which is for the first time in a long time we had a good manager and things really improves, then just a year after being permanently appointed he decides to Jack it all in and be a sahp for a bit to prioritise his wife’s career. 🙄
I know you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do but recruiting a new manager takes ages and it’s hard to get good people, so we are feeling the loss keenly and it has made my life personally more stressful

spottedbadger · 04/10/2020 09:02

YABU - it’s attitudes like this that built the glass ceiling. She has a right to go for, and get promotion, even if she was a week away from giving birth, let alone thinking about starting a family. She also has a right to take time off if unwell, and put in boundaries around her own workload. If you feel unsupported or struggling to cope with your own workload, that’s a different issue entirely.

rookiemere · 04/10/2020 09:02

OP do speak to those other managers, but leave out any reference to your bosses pregnancy and choice of role.

The issue is that you are effectively having to do your managers job because she is often not there. If the job cannot be effectively done from home either, I think it's not unreasonable to mention that aspect, but not why she's working from home.

You need to forget about the why's and wherefores of the situation and focus purely on the impact to you. If there are other managers around do push any managerial requests onto them, say you have enough work on your caseload already and simply cannot pick up anything else.

Original poster
Biscoffscoff · 04/10/2020 09:05

Still somewhat confused about people who are focusing on hypothetical problems TTC when she was pregnant when she took the job. I would have thought most people assume they won't be the ones to have issues rather than assuming they will, or would at least try for a bit of time first before making other majorb life changes. If these jobs were rare or hard to get or male dominated I'd understand but they're really not - people with the right skills can take their pick in our part of the country, which is why I thought the timing was strange. I get that its her right to do it. I don't know why anyone would though.

Also wondering how I'm selfish for doing anything other than overthrow the entire safeguarding system to create better workers rights. I mean, id love to, but I have to work in the world that I'm in not the world I wish would exists. I don't agree with the system but it's either that or leave, and it's a job that I care about and want to do. I'm not martyring myself in it, I make it work for me where I can, but if I wanted a 9-5 job or one where I can walk off shift on the clock I'd go somewhere else

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscoffscoff · 04/10/2020 09:19

Cross posted with some supportive replies, thank you to those who've taken the time to understand or who know what it's like. I'm taking your advice on board for how to manage this.

For those asking about her being unwell; it's a role that would still be quite tough to do with a healthy pregnancy because of the workload and fixed dates (eg court hearings, which will go ahead if the manager is there or not). But that impact can still be absorbed to a point, what I find harder is the job is so dependent on relationships for emotional support and the effect is this manager is another temp, with another temp to follow. I'd just hoped to have a stable manager for a bit. I'll deal with it, and I wish her well, Id just hoped for something different this time.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 04/10/2020 09:20

OP: AIBU?

Majority of MN: YES!

OP stomps foot and tries to control other women’s bodies and careers what others post.

Beautiful3 · 04/10/2020 09:23

You are being unreasonable, your boss is allowed to have a baby! However the extra work coming your way, just say no. Explain that you cannot keep taking on extra work. Just do your hours and go home. If you're questioned just explain you need better support now your boss isnt here.

PearPickingPorky · 04/10/2020 09:23

Or what happened in our team which is for the first time in a long time we had a good manager and things really improves, then just a year after being permanently appointed he decides to Jack it all in and be a sahp for a bit to prioritise his wife’s career. 🙄
I know you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do but recruiting a new manager takes ages and it’s hard to get good people, so we are feeling the loss keenly and it has made my life personally more stressful

Of it's hard to get good people, and people who are good don't stick it out, then, again, this is a structural problem, and not one that you should expect the individuals in your team to solve by sacrificing their own lives to plug holes in management's capabilities.