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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at new boss' pregnancy?

293 replies

Biscoffscoff · 03/10/2020 21:04

Ok so I know I probably am. But I need to vent (and preferably not at a pregnant woman) And maybe get some advice about boundaries.

I work in child protection, and it's a stressful job. I'm not going to complain about that part - you have to accept that when you choose the role. But having a good manager makes a massive difference to being able to do the job without burning out, especially as good supervision helps deal with the emotional side of the work. The nature of the job means it's very difficult for people to cover if a manager isn't available - not just because the other managers are too busy with their teams but even if they were free, the manager needs to know the families and the dynamics to be able to help.

The woman who got the managers job used to do (my level) job years ago, so she knows what it's like to be in it. She left to move away from front line work as she wanted more a break/more predictable hours. I was surprised to hear that she'd gone for the job.

A month into post and she's announced her pregnancy. She's already had to take quite a lot of time off sick, or working from home - the team aren't WFH and not having the manager in the building is difficult.

I can't help but be a little bit peed off that she went for this job. She got married earlier in the year and from what I've heard from colleagues in her old team, she was very open about hopes of starting a family once she was married. I know noone knows when/if it's going to happen when TTC but her old job was secure and far less stress, so I just feel a bit peeved that she chose this time to go for this job. I can't imagine that she would/could return to the post after mat leave - the job really isn't accommodating for childcare. I know thats not very feminist but it's the reality - its mainly a female workforce and people usually move out of this part to have kids and move back when they're older.

New boss is already asking me to cover for tasks when she's not in, or in late/leaving early, eg supporting less experienced colleagues. I'm also struggling with the idea that I've got no real support for the next six months - doesn't feel like there's any point getting her up to speed when she'll be off soon.

How do I put in boundaries about the extra work that's being expected of me when new boss isn't around? And how do I get past being annoyed that new boss is going to be just passing through, and not really there for support ?

OP posts:
Iwouldlikesomecake · 05/10/2020 11:01

She was pregnant when she started the job. OP has said this many times.

She knew from the moment she took the job that she wouldn’t be able to do the full role till post mat leave. That is her right, as she might have wanted that job for when she comes back from mat leave, but it’s also OP’s right to be pissed off, as she will have to carry the can while the boss isn’t doing all her role. For no extra pay and it’s a responsibility she doesn’t want.

bsam88 · 05/10/2020 11:07

@Iwouldlikesomecake

True but that still isn't this woman's fault. If the team/unit/company are poorly run so that cover isn't provided when needed then its not on this one line manager to make life decision that others are happy with.

She was pregnant when she started the job. OP has said this many times.

So ...........

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 13:48

All the people who are like ‘just walk out and refuse to do XYZ’ are clearly not in jobs where lives are at stake, where people can get genuinely hurt or have poor outcomes if they just sack off work that needs doing.

My adopted children were under a SW for many years before their mother died. There were a number of occasions when there was a crisis out of hours, but one we particularly remember is when their mother overdosed on heroin and my daughter - then 4 - found her and was just about to inject herself because she wanted to go to sleep like mummy was, when her brother (then 7) came into the room and stopped her. He also called the ambulance, then us (they are my husband's sister's children).
If it wasn't for the SW they had at that time, their mother would never have got the support she needed to help her try and quit the drugs. The children would have probably been fostered by strangers. Maybe they would have died the next time she OD'd.

On another note, as someone who didn't have children of my own, it often seems that some women's idea of feminism only seems to take into account the struggles that mothers have - not the many many times women like me are left picking up the workload left by them.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 13:51

On another note, as someone who didn't have children of my own, it often seems that some women's idea of feminism only seems to take into account the struggles that mothers have - not the many many times women like me are left picking up the workload left by them.

Ah yes, let's obliterate the rights of women in the workplace in regard to pregnancy because some will need engagement with social services. What the fuck. They are completely different issues, surely.

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 15:04

@scaraffito that wasn't what I was talking about. I don't work in SS and have always been grateful for the SW input into my adopted children's lives. I have no idea at all about the parental status of those SW.

The point I was making is that many women only think about feminism and fairness at work in terms of becoming a mother. Often those of us who aren't mothers are the ones picking up the workload from those who are. We are feminists too and sometimes it would be nice if we were remembered.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 15:10

But @SecretSpAD that's on the businesses and organisations, we shouldn't be willing away rights of pregnant women to fill in the manpower or procedural gaps left which screw others over by leaving an unmanagable workload. And just because you have children it doesn't mean you are exempt from that happening to you anyway, it isn't them vs us- we should be striving for it to be better for all women I agree, but that doesn't mean stripping any of their hard fought for rights.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2020 16:21

She knew from the moment she took the job that she wouldn’t be able to do the full role till post mat leave. That is her right, as she might have wanted that job for when she comes back from mat leave, but it’s also OP’s right to be pissed off, as she will have to carry the can while the boss isn’t doing all her role. For no extra pay and it’s a responsibility she doesn’t want
Being pregnant automatically means you can't do your job? Nobody knows what sort of pregnancy they're going to have. I've known people do their full load until 39 weeks and others suffering from pregnancy related conditions from 10 weeks.

The pregnant colleague is not responsible for the OP's workload.

If an organisation haven't appropriately managed workload due to staff absence then the responsibility lies with the senior member of staff. The OP should take it up with them.

How are we sitting here in 2020 where women bitch and moan about the fact other women are pregnant?

It's really clear why maternity discrimination is still an issue based on some replies to this thread.

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 16:56

@Scaraffito I'm not interested in stripping anyone of any rights. I'm just asking for some consideration to be given to women without children as well as mothers.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 17:02

Well you are, you want women to restrict the jobs they apply for and consider others who will be lumbered with their workload- that can also include men and other mothers as well by the way Hmm, so limiting them in the workplace. Of course this thread is largely discussing pregnancy etc as that was the OP posted about.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 17:03

Again, it's the systematic underfunding that's the issue, not a pregnant woman FFS.

Cornishpleb · 05/10/2020 17:07

It’s always difficult seeing a colleague become your manager!

Is everyone in your team as jealous of her as you? Wink

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 17:08

@Scaraffito please tell me where I said that? I don't think I did.

liverbird10 · 05/10/2020 17:13

YABU, this nonsense should have gone out with the ark.

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 17:33

not the many many times women like me are left picking up the workload left by them.

That for starters.

bsam88 · 05/10/2020 17:40

@SecretSpAD

I'm just asking for some consideration to be given to women without children as well as mothers

What do you actually mean? I'm having a go, I am genuinely trying to understand what that means

bsam88 · 05/10/2020 17:41

*not

SecretSpAD · 05/10/2020 18:16

not the many many times women like me are left picking up the workload left by them

But that's just the truth. Non parents pick up the slack from parents. Especially during covid.

Anyway, I think I've derailed this thread enough so will duck out now.

OP - in my experience CP social workers are heroes and I hope you get the support you need.

islockdownoveryet · 05/10/2020 18:25

YABU, this nonsense should have gone out with the ark.
Absolutely!!
It absolutely annoys me that anybody gets the hump , she's pregnant and she's been ill it's not forever.
I've be had this all through my working life .
Yes I've gone on maternity leave , yes I've been ill and yes at times my childcare has fallen through and unfortunately a colleague has at times had to do some of my work but I have had many a child free colleague has been ill from time to time had to phone in for other related issues or has to go home for family emergency.
Not everyone has dependents but most people have family and sometimes things happen .
I think there is a touch of jealousy here , you may be right she may have bitten off more than she can chew but you can't discriminate someone and rightly so because they may want to start a family .
Shame on you op for even suggesting it .

Scaraffito · 05/10/2020 18:33

But that's part of a bigger issue, I agree that's unfair and unacceptable, but it's not the fault of other women, yet that's exactly what you're implying. You're asking people to be mindful of others, but in the case of covid what is your solution? The parents in my team (myself included) did all of our hours, but out of office hours around naps, bedtime etc- I got about 4 hours sleep a night and it was bloody hard; I didn't ask anyone else to pick up my slack, but there werent many options with childcare closed and not being able to use relatives, is that okay with you?

Elsewyre · 05/10/2020 18:38

@romeolovedjulliet

you can't tell someone when ttc, but why would she go for the job if she was trying ? it has rather left you up the creek, is there anyone else who some of the load can be delegate to ?
Better pay, wfh, away from the front lines.

Everything the OP listed?

HinchGrinch · 05/10/2020 19:09

@Elsewyre I don't think you've read my post.
This job isn't any better pay, has less flexibility, is frontline, is one of the few teams where being in the office is expected (other types of teams have moved to WFH and we've been given their office space to allow us all to be in but distanced) higher workload than the last one. Whilst they werent managing a team in the last job they have managed a team before so theres no gap in their skills/CV that would need to be met through this post. This job wasnt a promotion. I've said earlier in the thread if it was a promotion I would have totally understood.

They're not a recent colleague and I'm not jealous of them. There's a lot of jobs in child protection, because not many people want them! It's not difficult to get the jobs if you want them. The difficult part is the job itself.

People keep saying on this thread that we mustn't put our lives on hold and I shouldn't expect anyone to. I get that, but for those who haven't bothered to read my OP, im also not wanting to put my own life on hold by having stuff put on me because someone else isn't there to do the job. I'm trying to protect my own work life balance too, I have no interest in being a martyr. I think that's the point that secretspad was making (how sad that story is about your adopted children!)
I don't want to be in a position where I'm doing two jobs and burning out, and I'd asked for advice on how to set boundaries when new boss is putting me in that position. I have enough CPD without doing extra. I've had experience of management in other roles. It's because I've got that experience I presume that boss is delegating stuff to me but I'm not seeking it and don't want it.

@lolasmiles she absolutely is responsible for my workload. She allocates my cases to me (standard) and puts things in my diary that she needs me to cover, or tells people that I am to cover as she's unable to due to WFH then they ring me and say 'boss has told me you're covering so I need you at this time ...' That's what managers do in this area.
I've also been very clear it's not just about illness which noone can predict, it's about long term commitment. If I knew I was making plans to say, move across the country to be with a new partner in six months, then I wouldn't seek a new job with long term work, or to pick one that's had problems with short term managers. I'd maybe look at another team where shorter term work is more viable (and there's plenty of those) I don't see that as putting my life on hold, that just seems sensible. I wouldn't have thought that was being overly cautious but maybe I'm wrong.

And as I've said many times, yes the system is at fault. But as long as people keep voting in govts who underfund social services and increase child poverty, trying to change that structure is as effective as shouting at the clouds because you don't like the rain.

HinchGrinch · 05/10/2020 19:11

Oops I'd forgotten I'd namechanged recently! I do that routinely so I'm not bothered about it in relation to this thread, but apologies if it messes up the filtering.

SueEllenMishke · 05/10/2020 19:19

Yet another depressing thread that shows women are still a long way from achieving equality in the workplace.

liveitwell · 05/10/2020 19:24

YABU! And incredibly sexist.

Why should she have to put her family plans on hold? And why can't she go for a promotion?

I think you need to realise the world doesn't revolve around you. She's entitled to the job (hence she got it) and she's entitled to procreate.

bsam88 · 05/10/2020 19:35

@HinchGrinch

Maybe it isn't a promotion but she obviously wanted the job. She went for a job she wanted and got it so she must be qualified and the best candidate.

I think I do see the point your making but pregnancy is temporary so I don't quite get why your posts read as though she will be gone forever.

If she had been in the role for a year or two and then gone on maternity would you have been annoyed then?