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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People who were bullied at school.

116 replies

WinchesForFinches · 03/10/2020 16:17

AIBU not to be able to ever get over this.

I was bullied. I was an odd child and a very unhappy child too. If I think back to my primary school self I was just horrible ugly little fatty who didn’t fit in, I had temper issues and eventually this led to relentless bullying for the rest of the time I was at school. I was never happy, but when I left school life changed almost instantly. I do hate the memory of my child self though. I was pretty disgusting so I can’t blame the bullies really. I can’t stand to look at my childhood photos or belongings.

I just can’t get over it, I’ve never had issues being bullied since leaving but it still haunts me to this day. Most of the time I’m totally fine but every so often it comes back to haunt me and I have flash backs and meltdowns. Especially when I see old bullies around on social media, it have to go back to my home town.

Does anyone else suffer this? How to you cope?

Having a bad day today.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 03/10/2020 16:27

I don’t have anything useful to say, but it’s not a post I could just read and then close.
for you.

gypsywater · 03/10/2020 16:32

It sounds like you have PTSD from your experiences. Trauma focused CBT or EMDR could be helpful to you.

Coldnights · 03/10/2020 16:34

Tbh I’ve never gotten ever it but therapy has helped. Is this something you could look in to? It’s definitely underestimated the impact bullying has on people’s lives.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/10/2020 16:35

OP you were NOT a disgusting child. What happened to you was NOT your fault. No one ever deserves to be bullied.
I think maybe some counselling might help you.

Original poster

WinchesForFinches · 03/10/2020 16:36

It’s so long ago. I left school 25 years ago! I hate that it still follows me around.

Some of the bullies have turned out to be so beautiful and have incredible jobs and careers.

Then there’s me. None of those things.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2020 16:36

I was bullied throughout secondary school and it lasted there till I got a boyfriend and it more or less stopped (Year 11 equivalent)

And I've never suffered it since.

It only comes back if I see instances in others (I worked in Primary and I couldn't bear any sign of bullying) and I get very upset if there are any instances towards my DGC (my DC were all fine).

Have you ever spoken of this to a counsellor? It's understandably affected you deeply and you need help to come to terms with it and to stop blaming yourself. Bullying is never the victim's fault.

Original poster

WinchesForFinches · 03/10/2020 16:37

Does therapy really work though? I feel such cynicism to these things. I don’t get how it’s supposed to work!

OP posts:

Coldnights · 03/10/2020 16:40

I always try and think no matter how perfect a bullies life may be there has to have been something wrong in their life otherwise they wouldn’t be so horrible to people

YogiBearcub · 03/10/2020 16:41

YANBU. I was also occasionally bullied at school, and like you I was probably a bit of of a weirdo or geek. Somehow I have managed to turn this around in my head and attribute my current successes to the adversity I faced then. E.g. Had I been a popular child I may have never moved away and got my current friends /husband /job. Or, hsd I not been used to standing out I would not have wanted to work very successfully in a male dominated industry. Strangely meeting the bulliers now I can have normal conversations with them as peers. Reality is what you perceive it to be. Make your own narrative and try to move on. No one is bullying you now so embrace the present and be thankful for the life choices you have made for yourself.

Dollywilde · 03/10/2020 16:41

I was bullied too as a child, and I think it takes a lot to step away from the voices that tell you you deserved it. I can say 100% you didn’t, no matter how odd or angry you were and no matter how you looked. I get it, sometimes I feel like I brought it all on myself but no one deserves to be treated poorly by other people.

I agree with PP that some support for your mental health could start to reframe the feelings you have. The fact is you’re not that little child any more, you’re an adult and you have power (I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you do!) You have the power within yourself to take the rest of your life and live it the way you want, rather than as a hostage to the horrible actions of others. What happened will always be a part of you, but it doesn’t need to dictate your life from now until the end of time.

I really hope you find the peace you’re looking for and I do think the work of a skilled therapist could help in that respect. But please don’t live your life under the illusion that an innocent child - weird or not (and trust me I was a very odd child!) deserved to be bullied, because she didn’t.

ghostee · 03/10/2020 16:41

I have no experience but I think it's sad that you talk about yourself in that way.

Chickenandrice · 03/10/2020 16:43

It does shape you as a person. I was bullied often by people who were supposedly my friends then turned on me. I have really struggled ever since to trust people to make friends. I did make good friends at university eventually but the damage is very deep. I often still think I must be unlikeable as it happened again and again. So I am largely self sufficient now and try to enjoy my own company

whattodoandhow · 03/10/2020 16:44

I was bullied in secondary school (the weird kid who didn't fit the norm), I still suffer with low self-esteem and struggle to make myself heard as a result of trying to be invisible for so long. CBT really helped me but it isn't a quick fix, it's definitely hard work but it did really make a difference and now I can recognise when I'm going down the old ways of thinking and work to correct it straight away. I would recommend some sort of therapy, it took me years and I don't think I'll ever fully get over it but at least it helped.

Jigglypuffler · 03/10/2020 16:45

Try counselling, OP. I had it at school, uni and in my early 30s (all for different reasons) and in my experience it can really help. If you can access it and it really isn't working for you (as it doesn't necessarily work for everyone), at least you've tried it?

Bullying is a very hard thing to get over. I was the 'weird' kid at school, plus I was desperate for friends so I allowed myself to be trampled all over. When I look back now, I'm pretty shocked by how badly I was treated, but I've managed to turn my experience into inner strength and learnt valuable lessons from it. I'm afraid I couldn't tell you how, though.

One thing that is probably very unusual about my situation is that one of the girls who was the worst, I'm now friendly with. She went to great efforts as an adult to address some of the situations and behaviours from the teenage years, and I decided to forgive her and move on. Taking control over how you feel about it and making the decision yourself to put it behind you, can be very empowering in itself.

I'm sorry that's not massively helpful, but maybe it might give you some hope. I really hope that you find a way to the other side of that part of your past.

Chickenandrice · 03/10/2020 16:45

Once I made nice friends it amazed me for ages that it was possible for me to go to the toilet and come back and they would still be there. My so called friends at school used to just disappear and then back in class asks me where I was and had been looking for me.

DrManhattan · 03/10/2020 16:45

Don't compare your inside with someone's outside. You don't know these bullies are having a great life, and if they are, so what.
I often see a guy who bullied me around and I always want to go tell him what a massive bell end I think he is but it will be me who comes away from that feeling shit, not him. Some people just don't get it.
You need to come to terms with this so I would seek help and move on. Take care xxx

Thelnebriati · 03/10/2020 16:46

Therapy can work, if you meet it half way.
What was done to you was not your fault. The adults around you were supposed to guide and support you and the other children. Far too often, adults let kids get on with it.

Dollywilde · 03/10/2020 16:47

X-post with you OP

Social media is a bastard! Comparing lives with people - particularly people for whom you’re never going to be able to assess neutrally ie the bullies - is a terrible idea and will always leave you feeling wanting. What is it they say about comparison being the thief of joy? Who cares what other people are doing? Them being successful doesn’t make you any less successful. You could be prime minister or you could be unemployed, it wouldn’t matter either way what they were up to, that would still be your reality. It sounds cheesy but when I started to think about life being about my race rather than a competition with others I was able to think a lot more positively. Focus on your own lane, not what other people are up to. If you can reach a point where you’re happy with what you’re doing and where you’re at then what they’re up to won’t matter a jot. But stay away from too much Facebook/Insta etc - it’s all curated anyway, so it doesn’t mean shit!

Chickenandrice · 03/10/2020 16:48

Theinebriati that is very true. People still see it as a right of passage that kids need to work things out for themselves.

Cam2020 · 03/10/2020 16:49

Why do you think you were disgusting? Because you were overweight and becasue of things the bullies have planted in your mind or because of things you did that you are ashamed of?

alexdgr8 · 03/10/2020 16:51

what do you mean, you were pretty disgusting ?

cheapskatemum · 03/10/2020 16:52

I've just got back from a Mental Health Mates Walk where a man of 60 was saying how being bullied by his PE teacher at secondary school has limited his life. Please see if you can get counselling if you can OP. CBT counselling (a 6 week course of this is often the 1st point of call you get from NHS GP referral) aims to train you to think more positively.

gypsywater · 03/10/2020 16:52

Definitely have a read up on the two therapies I mentioned and how they work. Could be transformative to you. Nothing to lose.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/10/2020 16:53

I was bullied at school, from the age of 10 until I went to sixth form college at 16, and it has blighted my whole life - I have anxiety, depression and low self esteem.

Therapy has helped, but I still need medication, and struggle with my mental health issues.

monkeyonthetable · 03/10/2020 16:55

OP, therapy with the right counsellor might help. Or self-help therapy if you prefer. The key issue here is that you too are rejecting the child you were, almost like siding with the bullies. Until you recognise the damage done to a vulnerable young person who had no choice but to return daily to a place she was been belittled and taunted, until you feel sorrow and kindness towards her, you will find it hard to get past the block.

FWIW - never trust online versions of people's lives. It's always the people who create a 'perfect me' online life who have difficulties in real life. No one's life is permanently shiny.

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