People who were bullied at school.

[WinchesForFinches]

AIBU not to be able to ever get over this.

I was bullied. I was an odd child and a very unhappy child too. If I think back to my primary school self I was just horrible ugly little fatty who didn’t fit in, I had temper issues and eventually this led to relentless bullying for the rest of the time I was at school. I was never happy, but when I left school life changed almost instantly. I do hate the memory of my child self though. I was pretty disgusting so I can’t blame the bullies really. I can’t stand to look at my childhood photos or belongings.

I just can’t get over it, I’ve never had issues being bullied since leaving but it still haunts me to this day. Most of the time I’m totally fine but every so often it comes back to haunt me and I have flash backs and meltdowns. Especially when I see old bullies around on social media, it have to go back to my home town.

Does anyone else suffer this? How to you cope?

Having a bad day today.

I’m so sorry you went through such a horrible experience, OP. For what it’s worth, this is my ‘take’ based on being both a therapist and someone who was badly bullied as a child:

Bullying is an Adverse Childhood Event (ACE) and can give rise to complex ptsd. We are in a situation - usually daily- where we believe we cannot escape, where it feels like no one can help and where we are receiving relentless messages that adversely affect our self worth. Huge respect to that child part of you who lived through that, and to the adult you who gets on with life. You’ve internalised those hateful voices from others and are using them towards that child part of you; you probably also feel shame (not that you should, but it’s tempting to think the child should have been better able to cope).

Yes, a million times that the right therapy will help. It may take some time but it will be worth it. Find someone the child you can trust as well as the adult you, then stay with it. I’d recommend you look for someone able to work in a trauma-informed way with you.

I was bullied from years 4-7 (middle school where I grew up). It really never leaves you. On the surface I'm reasonably well adjusted, but then I felt absolutely sick when I had to start looking at schools for dc. I get angry every time I think about the stupid advice touted out when I was a school that if you ignore bullies they will get bored and stop. I think that actually did me more harm than the bullying, because I just completely became an unreactive shell. More than confronting the bullies I wish I could point out to my old teachers that it's about how other kids react more than the victim. Victim can not react in the slightest but if the rest of the class laughs that's plenty of incentive for the bullies to carry on. Getting off my soap box now...
For goodness sakes delete them off your SM, or stop using it yourself. I can't imagine anything worse than having any kind of contact with my bullies now.

Another suggestion of counselling. The sessions can feel pointless until after a while you realise you are letting go of the issues.

I was bullied for the entire time I was in school. It has damaged my trust in people and my self-esteem. It is probably also partly why I can't really get close to anyone. Therapy didn't help me, but I know it has greatly helped others.

It does still haunt me to and part of the reason I am not on Facebook or Instagram, etc. I just don't need the reminder of other people's 'perfect lives', even though I know social media is a showreel. It still stings.

I was disgusting because I was fat and I was I was always made to feel ashamed. I always wanted to be “special” or good at something and I was just a big ugly awkward hopeless lump. My teachers told me I was useless, my parents had no time for me and would always make me aware of my physical flaws. I was also slow and easily distracted. Just not like the other kids. When I got teased/bullied/felt the pressure I’d lash out. I was brought up by academic eccentrics. My siblings were much older than me but they were clever. My relationship with my parents now is good. I would never make issues of my kid’s physical flaws though.

I hate my part self and I hate my present self. I’m so tired of self loathing and I’m still so resentful to the bullies 25+ years on. I have no self esteem and it’s got worse as I get older. I have never had a “peak” or a “prime”.

@gypsywater

It sounds like you have PTSD from your experiences. Trauma focused CBT or EMDR could be helpful to you.

Agree. What happened to you was not your fault. Keep telling yourself that.

May I recommend the book ‘self compassion’ by kristin neff?

I was never so much physical bullying. More just verbal and mental. Rarely by girls but daily from boys. Large gangs of boys. But because these kids were generally “good kids” of professional and well respected parents, I was the problem. Me. As I got older, I was the one who fucked up my school exam grades because I couldn’t concentrate in class. Because I was afraid and embarrassed to speak out and ask for help. I never told my parents the half of it because I was so terrified they they would be ashamed, and to be honest they were simply far too busy for me.

I can’t read self help books...the cynic in my head tells me they are just a load of rubbish.

Massively feel for you op. I was the weird strange looking kid at school and was bullied throughout primary and secondary. Sixth form college was a revelation...I met some amazing friends there who are still my mates to this day, we bonded with each other over our shared experience of being surrounded by idiots at school.

It's stayed with me though, when I met people I assume they won't like me and try to dampen myself down as I assume I'm eccentric and too much for people. Throughout my 20s as I struggled to make female friends I was always heavily reliant on whatever boyfriend I had which wasn't always the best strategy! I experienced bring excluded from the cliquey mum circle via being a mum too, I don't get invites to all the in crowd did... But I don't want to! They're boring as shit. The upside of all of this is I'm extremely independent and love my own company. Wishing you all the best op.

I feel for you, OP, and I can completely relate to this, unfortunately. I have never had a “peak” or a “prime”.

I'd try therapy. It might help you. I hope it does.

I was bullied at school what sticks with me is the physical pain I still feel years later. The name-calling is easy enough to forget but when My back is killing me I remember what the bullies did.

OP, it sounds like not only were you bullied by your peers but badly let down and even bullied by your teachers and your own parents, it's no wonder you're feeling so rubbish.

I'd definitely add my voice to those suggesting counselling. If you can't bear reading self help, how about an audio book? Perhaps a different medium might be different?

It does affect your self esteem. I still have bad confidence wobbles 30years on. And it meant I didn't learn the teen social skills & dating skils that I should have, which in turn affected relationships massively. Therapy was useful, I saw them for what they were & researched pack mentality etc. Also when I looked them up, seeing none of them had done anything extraordinary. They were all popular & academic so I was thinking high flyers in something impressive & mega £, but they are mostly mums or teachers now , which is nice & normal & not the imaginary, elevated status they'd had in my mind since.

I can’t read self help books...the cynic in my head tells me they are just a load of rubbish.

Ime, people who feel this way are the ones who get the most out of them if they just take the plunge and buy one. Some of them are complete rubbish but some are life changing. You might have to read a few to find one you like, in a tone of voice that doesn't sound ridiculous or patronising to you. But they really are valuable. For me, the life changing one was 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' - nothing to do with healing form bullying but just an all round practical guide on how to be a lot happier and a bit more confident; to have a fulfilled life worth living.

Why not try that book on self compassion a PP suggested above?

Look at it this way: you are unhappy. Unhappy enough to come onto a public forum and share your pain with strangers. Anyone who does that is showing readiness to make a change, I think.

AYBU not to get over this? Do you want to get over it? I suspect you do. Not getting over it is such a familiar discomfort. But you'll be surprised how quickly you could turn that around. Within 3-6 months you could find you are kindly to yourself, think well of yourself and start to treat yourself in the way a loving friend or partner would. That in itself would be a sort of peak or prime, and I'm sure you already know that the world tends to treat us as we treat ourselves. So if you start practising self love eventually the people around you will join you.

Best tip: You do not have to find it easy or believe it will work to do it. You just have to keep at it for three months at least. Doesn't matter how ridiculous or cringey you find it. Just do whatever the book suggests, as a sort of scientific exercise if you like and then check after three months whether you feel any different or better.

Worth a try?

I'm so sorry you experienced this OP - the school years are brutal to everyone at some point, but sadly for some it's a more regular thing.

A well known writer said in an article recently that if you were popular at school it's a bit like winning the Nobel prize, ie it's a rare, exulted thing that only a few people actually experience

@WinchesForFinches

I was never so much physical bullying. More just verbal and mental. Rarely by girls but daily from boys. Large gangs of boys. But because these kids were generally “good kids” of professional and well respected parents, I was the problem. Me. As I got older, I was the one who fucked up my school exam grades because I couldn’t concentrate in class. Because I was afraid and embarrassed to speak out and ask for help. I never told my parents the half of it because I was so terrified they they would be ashamed, and to be honest they were simply far too busy for me.

I don't want to trigger things then walk away and leave you to deal with them, but there is so much to unpack in this statement. It sounds very much like you felt responsible for your parents feelings, and put them ahead of your needs.

On the subject of self-help books, this one has had huge praise from readers, and many of the great reviews on Amazon seem to be from people with unhappy pasts who need healing.

@WinchesForFinches - there is such a thing as emotional neglect, you know. And bullies pick up on it. They pick up on the fact you don't have someone at home to fight your corner for you.

In a weird way, with ordinary bullies from normal homes - name callers not bone breakers, I think they are almost trying to toughen you up, to cack-handedly help you realise you can't thrive outside the pack. That you should learn to conform (in their logic - not mine.)

You're not alone, if that's any comfort.There are loads of us around you know. Loads of underachievers who couldn't concentrate in class because we lacked nurture. Doesn't mean you have to be unhappy or self-critical all your life. There are ways to feel fine about yourself.

for you Winches. and for all the PP who also suffered, as I did, from school bullies. I think you are younger than me, Winches, or i would have thought you went to my school! Fing dump and the lack of fs given by the teachers who witnessed the bullying astounds me to this day. As so many PP have said, it is very hard to leave in the past. But talking therapy might be able to help you process all these sad feelings. You are worth it.

There is no ‘just’ in mental/emotional bullying - it’s all damaging.

I’m sorry the adults who ought to have taken care of you didn’t - none of that is your fault.

It’s next to impossible to achieve high grades when allyour energy is going into just surviving another day. I know!

That inner ‘cynic’ is probably there to try to protect you from disappointment, and it’llhave served a purpose. It won’t know all the answers though!

I was bullied all through school, everything from name calling to being kicked down stairs. I have recently been diagnosed with Autism & this probably explains some of why I never fitted in. Being bullied has left me with no trust in anyone, I can't cope with being around people & I spend most of my life on my own through choice.

• @WinchesForFinches

I was bullied too.
I am now the unselfish, forgivening person and my children are strong and popular. They know that I have 0 tolerance for bullying or exclusion so they know better than exclude anyone.

How did I get there? The road was long and hard. But the short and long of it is I have 1. Done councelling properly, 2. Had my children and taught them social skills, 3. Meditate to manage my own anxieties that still come up, 4. Learn to walk away from situations, and 5. When all fail my husband is there as a last resort because he can see whats going on if i m too hard on him ie. keep getting cross with him 😉

OP, you cant live that. You have got to change the narrative. Bullies feeds on drama which you dont need to live a happy and healthy life. Please recognise that by giving head space to bullies past or current, you are wasting your energy on things you cannot control.

You cant control what people will do or say.

You CAN control how you react to things, people or situations.
Their loss.

CHOOSE to remove the toxic bits of your life, then grief for them (it is a parent or sibling) and then move on.

At the bottom of it, your TRUE self is worthy of YOUR love. You must practice self care and self preservation.

Good luck OP. It is not easy but it is worth it.

Lit the fire up, make yourself a cup of tea, put some jazz in the background and get yourself lost in a good book (or paint your nails like I am doing right now while my husband is busying himself and i have no idea what the kids are doing - and I dont care. It is ME time).

💚💚

I was an easy target for bullies at school, my mam and pa didn't like me so I went knowing I was unlikeable and that carried on as an adult as I'm not liked irl or online.

I was bullied throughout school and by my mother. I have zero self esteem and a partner who bullies me now.