People who were bullied at school.

[WinchesForFinches]

AIBU not to be able to ever get over this.

I was bullied. I was an odd child and a very unhappy child too. If I think back to my primary school self I was just horrible ugly little fatty who didn’t fit in, I had temper issues and eventually this led to relentless bullying for the rest of the time I was at school. I was never happy, but when I left school life changed almost instantly. I do hate the memory of my child self though. I was pretty disgusting so I can’t blame the bullies really. I can’t stand to look at my childhood photos or belongings.

I just can’t get over it, I’ve never had issues being bullied since leaving but it still haunts me to this day. Most of the time I’m totally fine but every so often it comes back to haunt me and I have flash backs and meltdowns. Especially when I see old bullies around on social media, it have to go back to my home town.

Does anyone else suffer this? How to you cope?

Having a bad day today.

OP your post is very sad. It seems like nobody was there for you as a kid.
You weren't disgusting and did not deserve to be treated like that. Please get counselling to get those horrible thoughts out of your head.
I was bullied at primary school (skinny weird red haired kid with a different accent and all the high grades) but not secondary as I found my tribe through theatre group.
Oddly enough I went to the parade of shops I had to run past on the way home as a kid and felt uneasy. I realised I was sort of expecting my childhood bullies to loom out of nowhere and start on me. Then I got in my car and laughed at myself, thinking I have power now. I have the nice car and job and am going home to my lovely house and kids who love me.
If you as an adult encountered little kid you would you be disgusted or want to hurt her? No I m sure you d feel compassion and want to look after that poor little girl.
OP, it's not too late to do that.
Dont be cynical and try some counselling. Try to help that unhappy girl grow into a happy confident woman.

I was very fortunate to have a dad that had 0 tolerance to bullying, we moved around alot as kids because he was in the military, he gave the schools one chance to sort out any bullying, if the school didnt sort it out, he would bypass the school and go straight to the parents, worked everytime!

As someone who bullied people when I was younger, I feel such shame now. To this day I wish I could call the people up and apologise. So I’m very sorry that it stayed with you. I just feel awful thinking about how it could affect people in their later years. There was and IS nothing wrong with you, just the people who bullied you. The fault always lies with them. I hope nothing but peace and love to go your way❤️

I was bullied too at school. I'm always asking myself why, especially during lockdown and I'd got time to think. I've worked with kids all my and was very quick to stop and hint of bullying among kids and won't tolerate it

I think there's lots of reasons for the bullying I am half Irish and grew up in a small town where it would have been viewed as different, my family were poor, my dad wasn't very good at holding down a job. I was shy and lacking in confidence as a kid, (which came first: the bullying or the lack of confidence?) I was a a clever child in the top stream at school but I played with, what my sister called the scruffy kids. I had asthma and was off school a fair bit and often didn't do PE. When they picked me out I didn't retaliate or respond and I just completely ignored it this might have made it worse. The teachers didn't do anything about it until my cousin in my year at school told his mum and she came up to school and the headmaster came to my class and sent me out while he spoke to them. It got a bit less but some boys carried on into secondary school. - I wondered if they themselves were bullied. I often found in my teaching that the bullies were also bullied in their lives - maybe by a parent or a sibling

I've done well in my life but I am still very wary and don't make friends easily. I came across a bullying type of person in my friendship group recently and it's really affected me.

I am seen by friends and colleagues as strong and confident and emotionally resilient - maybe because of the bullying - or maybe it's what got me through the bullying
Most of the time In can reframe events in my live but other times when I feel vulnerable I will dwell on the bullying and why it happened.

The lasting effects are huge. It took me till I was in my late teens to even admit I was bullied. In fact I still feel shame about it as if to admit it would make me vulnerable and let others see me as an easy target again.

I can see why I was chosen as the victim so as an adult I am aware that people can turn on you as soon as you show any weakness. For most of my 20s I was a horrible person; I’d bitch about others before they could do the same to me.

I’m also deeply aware of my own low confidence. I’ll often go bright red when talking, will see eyes glaze over when I’m talking and will avoid social situations.

But the worst side effect is that I’m forever looking for the signs in my own children. I’m angry at my parents for not helping me so I’m overcompensating.

It’s always there.

I was bullied at school. I had a really bad time socially and was out of mainstream school by around 12. It took me a long time to enter adult life. It was a big deal! But I am over it now.

One thing that really helped me was realising that they were children too. If you can move to thinking about your bullies as children, as mixed up and confused and half formed as you were, instead of as peers (to your adult self) it's a lot easier to find compassion for them.

If you can find compassion for your tormentors it's so much easier to find it for yourself, too, to see more clearly your child self and love them and let them go gently. It's over now, after all.

That's what helped me, anyway. Good luck, OP.

I was bullied from age 10-17.

But it's not really just 'bullying' is it?

Seven formative years of verbal, emotional and threatened (if not physical) abuse, every day, and you can't escape. Seven years of being told you are disgusting, unworthy, being spat at etc.

It's abuse, plain and simple.

If you say 'I was abused for seven years as a kid' people will understand that it stays with you into adulthood. 'Bullying' minimises what happens.

I struggle with depression, anxiety and feeling inadequate due in a large part to what happened to me. Bullying.

Schools should do so much more to protect children who are bullied. My teachers just ignored it. Maybe they didn’t see it but I never felt I could go and see anyone about it.

@CrazyToast Agree 100%

I have met lots of people who were bullied and agree it does shape one. I have also been bullied in the work place and seen others do it. I don,t think my school was strong on bulying unless you were physically beaten up but most bulying isn,t that.

Yep, my teen years were hell due to bullying at my crap comp. It was relentless, every day. Not just name calling, but also theft/damage to my property (books down the loo, stealing pens, ripping my school bag etc) and physical such as being kicked and fag burns on my arms. School couldn't give a shit - the bullies were the popular kids that the teachers loved, i.e. sports team players, school play performers etc.

It has meant my adult life has been plagued - I have rock bottom self esteem, no close friends because I don't trust anyone, social anxiety, etc. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Bullies need to be ashamed of themselves for the life time of pain they cause their victims.

CrazyToast I agree as well. It's horrible.

It’s such a shame so many people go through it. This thread makes very sad reading. The secondary school set up seems to breed bullies. It’s a shame there isn’t a better way to educate that doesn’t encourage bullying. But I don’t know what it is.

I agree with crazy toast. And I like you, Spotty Bitch. Cannot say I have any empathy or pity for the bulliess, not after they caused a suicide at my lovely school. Maybe any school bully reading this should try apologising to their victims.

I blocked the bullies on social media so I don't accidently see them.

You are so bullying to yourself OP it is painful to read. The way you talk about a little child (you) is not ok.

And you deprive that child of the help she needs with your cynicism about therapy/self help books or whatever.

It is like you're so identified with the bullies you are colluding in the bullying even today.

Therapy could help if you would let it.

I’m really sorry for what you went through OP.

I don’t have sympathy for bullies, but I can completely see how nice teenagers become bullies - particularly girls. It just takes one ring leader and all others will just bully anyone ‘weaker’ than them as a method of self protection essentially.

I wasn’t a bully in school, but I was never brave enough to stand up to bullies on behalf of others - even though I had enough of a mouth to stand up for myself.

I was relentlessly bullied at school, all though junior school to about year 8 or 9 in senior school. It's definitely left a lasting mark on me.

A lot of my bullying was verbal, for things I couldn't control (like I was poor and from a very dysfunctional family). Bullied about my curly hair and how I looked. I became ashamed of my hair and shaved it in a very short pixie. I was taunted, had my books taken, pushed over in the mud. I cried everyday and didn't want to go.

I still have a lack of confidence, but in other ways I have grown from it. I'm a very competent martial artist now so no one would physically bully me. It's a good fuck you, especially when I was competing and an instructor, when one of the bullies came to my class. My hair is also long and wild and I love it. I get comments on it.
It's not healthy, but it just stays with me.

A big un-socially distanced hug to all who have had this blight on their childhoods. It’s never too late to heal

@WinchesForFinches I could have written every word of your posts.

I wish ill on my bullies whenever I think of them.

I don't have what it takes to get over it.

It has limited my life enormously. I see now what potential I might have had.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has suffered.

I’m so sorry that happened to you op. The way you speak about your self is really troubling. No child is disgusting and no one deserves to be bullied. Please remember that. Therapy could really help you but you have to be willing to engage. It’s can be turbulent and unpleasant at times, sadly there is no magic cure to stop this haunting you. It sounds like your cynical view point re therapy and self help is a defence mechanism. This cynical untrusting attitude helped protect you as a child, but now it will only hinder your progress. Please try to have an open mind and above all be kind to yourself.

I genuinely thought I was over the bullying I experienced at secondary school until some of the memories inexplicably started coming back about a year ago. So it can, and does, affect people for years and years.
I’m so sorry you went through this, OP. I have worked hard to force myself to think about something else if a memory pops back in, and it’s fairly easy to do now. But I have had to train my brain to do this, and not to dwell.

Like a previous poster said, I look at it as the reason I am as successful as I am today. I moved away, have a university degree, DH is a high earner and I live a very happy life with him and DS&DD. After allowing myself a glimpse on Facebook before blocking the bullies, I saw they still live in my socially-deprived home town, doing minimum wage jobs and had their kids very young. One has a DS with a disability, by the looks of things. One has been unable to conceive. It was enough to satisfy my curiosity, but I won’t be looking them up ever again.

Loveanautumncandle - as someone who was also bullied, I understand your plight. However, your comments about the people who bullied you being in minimum wage jobs and one with a son with a disability sound very disparaging. There is nothing wrong with being in a minimum wage job. There is nothing wrong with having a child with a disability. Please get your priorities right and re-evaluate the judgements you make about certain sectors of our society. Your comment does you know favours.

No favours, not know favours!

I'm so sorry for all of you who were bullied at school.

DD had a horrible time in year 7, and an even worse time in year 10 and, having witnessed the devastating consequences of it with DD who felt so isolated that she started self harming, and was borderline anorexic, I get so angry at schools who don't deal with it.

DD's useless head of year wouldn't deal with the bully at all and tried to get DD to build some resilience. How can you instill resilience in a very anxious teenage girl who is afraid to go to school when they know the bully is getting away with such nasty behaviour?