People who were bullied at school.

[WinchesForFinches]

AIBU not to be able to ever get over this.

I was bullied. I was an odd child and a very unhappy child too. If I think back to my primary school self I was just horrible ugly little fatty who didn’t fit in, I had temper issues and eventually this led to relentless bullying for the rest of the time I was at school. I was never happy, but when I left school life changed almost instantly. I do hate the memory of my child self though. I was pretty disgusting so I can’t blame the bullies really. I can’t stand to look at my childhood photos or belongings.

I just can’t get over it, I’ve never had issues being bullied since leaving but it still haunts me to this day. Most of the time I’m totally fine but every so often it comes back to haunt me and I have flash backs and meltdowns. Especially when I see old bullies around on social media, it have to go back to my home town.

Does anyone else suffer this? How to you cope?

Having a bad day today.

I was the smallest thinnest girl in the class with glasses and mousy hair, and pretty poor parents, so my clothes weren't the best.
One girl said to me i had more holes than tights in my tights, and i thought it was very witty, although meant as an insult.
The bullies tried to intimidate me, but because I am very empathetic I actually befriended them and got them to like me even though I was secretly terrified of them. I was just really kind to the gangleader. I think I sensed she had major problems at home, even at that age. I avoided getting hit, unlike my geeky friend, but lived in terror of being shoved in the lift and stuck between floors, by some of the girls.

I'm not sure it affected me badly, but I did have very low self esteem, something my first H picked up on immediately and proceeded to be abusive to me for years, before I got out. Bullies of any age can spot a victim a mile off. Nowadays I take no shit from no one.

Tornadoalley - you sound incredible.

Ginfordinner that attitude drives me mad too. My dc school always take the “build resilience in the victim” approach too.

Chicken and rice - I have heard teachers blame the victims of bullying for their plight for being 'annoying'. I called them out on this at the time but I think that victim blaming is a thing in schools. I say this as a teacher myself. I have seen this across a variety of schools.

I do think that building resilience is important. But mainly the perpetrators need to be pulled up. It’s almost entirely focused on getting the victim to learn to stand up for themselves. But an atmosphere of kindness should be encouraged first and foremost. I know my dc would never let me go and see a teacher about anything now as they feel it makes no difference and in fact normally makes things worse.

I was an odd child. I am a very weird adult too I suppose! I have never felt that I have fitted in anywhere in my life. I was bullied all through school. Mostly mentally and emotionally. It wears you down. I still remember trying to make myself fit in and failing miserably. I just wanted to blend into the walls after a while but of course I couldnt do that. It still causes me pain and I left school many years ago. It has followed me into adult life. I no longer know who I am because I have always tried to hide myself to fit in and blend in and keep my head down. I hate cliques too - school yard tactics in adults is not a good look. I was from quite a poor working class family in a grammar school that was full of well off doctors and lawyers and professionals kids. They were untouchable. Nothing would ever stick against them. I learned from a young age about the haves and the have nots!

I allowed myself to be bullied by previous relationships. I agree that bullies can spot victims a mile away. Its like they can smell it.

Thankfully I got away from the bad relationships but i do bear deep scars from them and school and even some workplaces that I am not sure will ever go away.

The most difficult thing for me has been that being bullied left me with a sense that there's something about me that must be inherently unlikeable. Why else did they single me out? I had a raging bull of a father as well which just added to things. My self-esteem was through the floor for years after school and I ended up engaging in a lot of self-destructive behaviours: bad relationships, and the big one - drinking to numb everything, which down the line spiralled into alcoholism. I'm recovering now and I do get counselling and therapy because you can't really beat alcoholism without it IMO as you have to deal with the underlying stuff. It's helped me in so many ways. I eventually came to terms with the bullying not being my fault. I'm the strongest and happiest I've ever been now - 6 years sober, good relationship with my DP, lovely kids and great relationships with them. But I think I have been left with a sort of fragility and over-sensitivity and a complete inability to deal with conflict in a good way. I shut down basically. I'm working on that though. It is possible to heal from it is what I'm saying, but I do think it takes a lot of uncomfortable work and commitment. I'm so sorry for everyone else who went through similar. They know not what they do, I guess - the bullies.

I was bullied all through school. I stuck out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately it did give me terrible anxiety for a while, and it took me longer than most to build up any sort of confidence socially, but I got there eventually.

Working with children and young people has helped. The children who bullied me were doomed to their shitty lives before their mothers even left the hospital after having them. I think as a child I was aware of this on some level, and as an adult I'm sure of it.

It helps me separate the bullying from who I am as a person - I was just a target for them, and if not me, someone else would have been in for it. I always fought back and was mouthy, plus I had a good home life and parents, so better me than than someone a little more sensitive who perhaps didn't have the advantages I did.

I would say the bullying has given me one massive benefit, and that is that although I'm still awkward socially, in another sense I am afraid of noone. I have never felt the physical fear of men that women talk about and I have never thought twice about going out in the dark on my own, or anything like that. I've had the absolute crap kicked out of me already, and I not only survived but was able to take quite a few chunks out of the bullies in question, and something about that process has stopped me fearing anyone physically again

@Chickenandrice

I do think that building resilience is important. But mainly the perpetrators need to be pulled up. It’s almost entirely focused on getting the victim to learn to stand up for themselves. But an atmosphere of kindness should be encouraged first and foremost. I know my dc would never let me go and see a teacher about anything now as they feel it makes no difference and in fact normally makes things worse.

Fully agree.

Schools that work on the "build resilience" approach are basically victim-blaming, or that's how the victim sees it when they see no sanctions given to their bullies.

or that's how the victim sees it when they see no sanctions given to their bullies.

I so agree with this ^^

I was bullied at school and abused at home. I’ve never got over the feeling of not being wanted anywhere and having no safe place to go.

I was bullied.
Its set me up for a lifetime of just acceptingvpeople treating me like shit. I have no back bone. I'm petrified of conflict.
I start most sentences with an apology for speaking/having an opinion.
I walk around assuming I'm wrong about most stuff and just expect people to find fault in me or my actions.
Its just inbuilt. People can do what they like to me and I very rarely speak up or object. I accept my lot and do my best to get on with my day.
I'm everyone's mug. Few respect me and I suppose any self respect died with my self esteem as a child.
Its inbuilt not a choice. I don't cry now. Well rarely in public. That's all that's changed since my childhood.

Me too OP. I’m having a bad day too and am actually in tears reading your post. It’s all me too.

My DH was moaning about I recently had to le my a friend of mine go. I had a terrible experience with friends in my teens in that due to bullying in primary years, I was so, so desperate for my friends to like me that it made me physically sick (I’d be sick every day, every morning before school and once or twice at the school gates before going in), I barely ate and I lost three stone. I was 6st when I was 16. It was a really bad time.

With my recent friend, I was getting the impression she just wasn’t bothered about me anymore. The last time I saw her I cried for three days (on and off!) because I was so upset about it. I just stopped contacting her and I’ve not heard from her at all (18 months on).

I had to let her go before I got to the point where I was so desperate for her to like me that it made me sick. I just can’t go there again.

It never leaves you. I still cry at the memory of when I was 10 my entire class took a vote in the playground as to who liked me and who didn’t.

WinchesForFinches "I do hate the memory of my child self though. I was pretty disgusting so I can’t blame the bullies really. I can’t stand to look at my childhood photos or belongings." It was not your fault, you are not blame, they were not right.

I also think it sounds like PTSD.

You can get help on the NHS for this. There will be a wait but you can get help.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

EMDR is apparently very good.

www.tewv.nhs.uk/services/what-is-eye-movement-desensitisation-reprocessing-emdr/

Bullying is never right or justified. I think you need help to move on and to escape these things in the past which affected you and affect you still.

spottybitch "I was an easy target for bullies at school, my mam and pa didn't like me so I went knowing I was unlikeable and that carried on as an adult as I'm not liked irl or online."

I am so sorry about this. I hope you too will find a way ahead that will make your life better. I am sure there are brilliant parts about you and your parents had their own issues which caused them not to bring you up with the love you deserve.

Ghostlyglow "I was bullied throughout school and by my mother. I have zero self esteem and a partner who bullies me now."

I am so sorry, please get away from your bullying partner.

I think the fact so many people have stories of being bullied shows that actually it is not something unique and awful about an individual but rather something horrible and broken in our society.

As a society we have accepted this and assumed it is OK. It is not.

Fromage I am so sorry for your experiences too, and so many on this thread. please do seek some help to move forward.

I've not counselling for bullying but I did suffer anxiety many years ago and it was awful. I had CBT and it helped amazingly.

Counselling does not work for everyone but it does for some.

I was bullied at primary because I was fat. It really, really effected me : in little ways I. E. I wanted to be a dietician, but I didn't want to be seen as being too interested in food! So I didn't mention it to anyone. Even though when we were picking A levels (pick the right ones to become a dietician) I wasn't even still plump! I was fit and slim! But in my head I was fat.

I do think that the British education system is toxic though - this habit of taking the piss out of people, pretending that it's humour is very damaging, especially in schools.

I think that most people were bullied because of something - too fat, glasses, tall, small, skinny etc etc. Fucking dispicable. My high school was dog eat dog, you had to watch your back ALL the time.

I was bullied when move different town. Pull my hair and put milk on me and other thing. I learn thai box from brother and one day I break bitches nose with elbow. No more problems then. 😂 Well problem from teachers but not from the bitches. Before then was scared everyday on bus,

Can I ask how did they bully you.

Worst is Asian countries. They pull off clothes and video you then put online. Lots of videos online.

@WinchesForFinches

Does therapy really work though? I feel such cynicism to these things. I don’t get how it’s supposed to work!

Therapy does work. Can recommend x

I wish it did even my therapist hated me and refused to see me

I was bullied at school because I had a lisp, apparently. I t really wasn’t that bad.

It affected me for years. Up until I was in my mid twenties I didn’t believe that people actually liked me..... I still have effects from it now.

It is awful . I was bullied very badly at school, and it definitely made me feel awful about myself, and it still affects my self esteem to this day.

However, we often think about what other people had done to us.

My little cousin sat me down two years ago, and said that I had bullied her so badly that I had ruined her childhood. I had completely forgotten that I had done anything, until she said it to me.

Then I remembered that I had been nasty to her for two reasons:

1. because I was getting bullied at school and I wanted to take my pain out on some one else
2. because our other cousin was nasty to this cousin, and I felt pressure to be nasty to her, to 'keep in' with the other cousin.

So I think that many of us have been the bully ourselves, but we usually only remember what was done to us.

I do still feel that I am an awful, worthless person because I was bullied at school.

I was bullied at work later on, and it didn't hurt me so much.

It is the school bullying that really affected me.

I think maybe because our teenage brains our developmental, and we take in other's views of us very strongly.

OP were you nasty to anyone younger than you as a child?

Sometimes I think that we need to forgive the bullies that were children when we knew them, because they were only children/teenagers.