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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

597 replies

Quarks69 · 03/10/2020 09:07

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

OP posts:
kattekitt · 03/10/2020 12:15

@Quarks69

working with COVID infected children all day was my friends response which is part of my issue. AS I said we have had no cases in My school in the last month. It is, as many are saying here, the perception of risk by those wfh is too extreme. Those out there working with children and the public realise it’s not as bad as painted. Hence my surprise and yes, disappointment.
But you don’t know that, unless all the children have been tested. As the government keep saying children often don’t show symptoms. She has every right to protect herself, I know that’s disappointing but it’s just the way things are. I work in a very similar position and I always give friends an opt out and remind them of my working environment, it’s then completely their choice to see me or not
Multiplying2020 · 03/10/2020 12:17

As NHS workers we had this a few months ago too - really unnecessary, and shows the kind of friend they are.

WoobyWoo · 03/10/2020 12:18

I’ve got a friend who won’t see me because my dc are back in school. It’s difficult not to take it personally but it’s up to everybody to decide on the level of risk they’re willing to take. I can understand her point of view so I just don’t comment on it really.

year5teacher · 03/10/2020 12:19

Fair enough. My parents are very careful about how they interact with me. Then I’m going to my friend’s to stay over tonight - everyone has different boundaries and I cba to get bothered about it.
No positive cases in the school yet though!

MeredithGreysScalpel · 03/10/2020 12:19

I agree with another comment that we all assess risk differently. We can only make judgements based on our own experiences, and right now they are all very different.

I work in a school and have children in another school, so wouldn’t be concerned about mixing with others, but I suppose I can understand why some people might see me as higher risk and be wary of that. Totally understand your feelings about this though, and why you would feel upset. I would too.

Mintychoc1 · 03/10/2020 12:23

I’m a GP, and in March when this was all beginning but the schools hadn’t yet closed, I overheard a good friend talking to other school mums. She said she didn’t want to send her child to school any more because he might associate with my son, who would be “covered in virus” that I’d brought home from work.
A couple of weeks later I left a gift for her daughter’s birthday on her doorstep and then texted her to say I’d done it, and she replied “is it soaked in Covid”? She actually apologised for that remark the following day.
But basically as far as I’m concerned the friendship has suffered irreparable damage. I know times are hard and people are scared, but if someone is going to treat me like a leper just because I’m doing my job, then I don’t really want to be friends with them.
This friend doesn’t have any risks by the way. And nor do her immediate family. But even if they did, there’s no need to be so horrible about it all.
I’ve learned a lot about people during this pandemic, and how selfish and nasty some of them are.
And here we are, 7 months on from that initial comment I overheard, and I still haven’t had Covid. She she damaged a friendship for nothing.

LakieLady · 03/10/2020 12:25

@Friendsoftheearth, we've kept our social contact very low.

We've had 2 visits to MIL, socially distanced in the garden, two outdoor meet ups with DP's DGD and her mum, been out for 4 or 5 meals where we've sat outside, I went for a drink with a friend (outside again) and we're going for lunch with SIL and her DH next weekend. The rest of our socialising has been via phone and Zoom.

We're not seeing DSS, who has been positively reckless and carried on seeing friends during lockdown, despite the fact that his lodger had a positive test, the SIL who thinks it's all a conspiracy theory and/or to do with immigrants (any excuse not to see them is a bonus) and BIL and his partner who are also WFH and being very cautious.

We live in a part of the SE with a very low infection rate, and we'd like to keep it that way. We think that we may have had Covid ourselves, we both had symptoms just before lockdown started and were both on annual leave at the time, so we have been living like this for over 6 months.

But I would be mortified if I got Covid and I'd been mixing with other people before I showed symptoms. I'd hate the thought that I might have unwittingly made someone very ill.

Thankfully, DP feels the same.

StopGo · 03/10/2020 12:25

My DD is a teacher. She is acutely aware that she poses a risk to me and her PILs. It's such a sad situation. Cut your friend some slack.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/10/2020 12:27

I take crowded public transport, go to several cafes and go to work physically in the office. If I meet up with people I always tell them I am high risk so they can make a choice. A friend who'd just come back from holiday in August warned me in the same way. I think it's fine for her to choose what level of risk she wants to take,
The person who suggested a walk is obviously living somewhere with better Octobers than me!

PatriciaPerch · 03/10/2020 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Friendsoftheearth · 03/10/2020 12:30

minty There were plenty of things your friend could have done to mitigate her own risks without being so unkind and rude. I would not wish to spend any further time with someone so rude, no question the friendship would also be over for me too.

You have seen her true colours now, it is not possible to reverse that kind of exposure and I am not sure it will be possible to unwind the damage in all cases. I have definitely reevaluated some of my friendships as well. It is better to spend your time with friends that are kind, supportive and thoughtful in the future. Perhaps a silver lining to find out what kind of people they are now.

Legoandloldolls · 03/10/2020 12:30

OP the thing for me is that what if there is no vaccine in the next year? Will she be unwilling to see you then?

Dint loose a friend over this as if she is a good friend they dont come by often. But take a mental note of this and file it away. Dont be the the person who is always available and supportive to someone who doesnt reciprocate. Not that this might be case here, but if it is.

Sometimes when you need a friend the most they dont reciprocate what you would do for them. But covid, quite frankly is polarising the most sane of people right now

Alconleigh · 03/10/2020 12:32

I can understand how disappointed you are OP. And while all the PP saying we all have to make our own risk assessments are of course correct, I also find many people's extreme caution hard to understand.
I've fallen out with friends who seem to have self identified into the extremely clinically vulnerable category, with comments about "shielding" and even using one of those volunteer services to collect a prescription. While all the other people I know with underlying conditions (including myself) are, while observing all the rules, keen to crack on with normal life as much as possible and enjoy it. We live in the south east which has very few cases, which does of course help.
It's none of my business, I understand that, but I find it depressing that so many people seem to have been whipped into a state of utter panic.

TheKeatingFive · 03/10/2020 12:35

Don't be ridiculous. Most people who are being cautious are hoping it will be a few more months, maybe into summer next year and there will be a vaccine and more effective treatments. Speaking for myself, I am buying time until those things happen.

Personally, betting the farm on breakthrough treatments/vaccines making a big difference in the timeframe of a few months seems more ridiculous, but each to his/her own.

I expect people’s tolerance of the risk will adjust by that stage anyway if big improvements aren’t forthcoming. We can only hold out for so long.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 12:37

YANBU, I would have happily met you for a coffee OP, it is possible to meet and socially distance. However, everyone has different tolerance levels so I’ve happily agreed to catch up via camera with others.

Piwlyfbicsly · 03/10/2020 12:37

Mintychoc1
Your “friend” is just nasty. I can’t believe she actually for one second thought it was acceptable to send a message like that. And I bet she’s expecting to see a doctor if something is wrong with her health.

D4rwin · 03/10/2020 12:37

I work in care. I wouldn't be expecting my friends to meet up with me right now.

Poppingnostopping · 03/10/2020 12:39

I agree everyone has to make their own decision- and I have friends who err on the side of caution, and some that are much more get out there and enjoy it.

However, it's like the other issues with corona have just gone away in this discussion. I don't mind living a fairly locked down life, and I don't mind living a life where I go out a bit, so I'm happy either way, but lots of people are not. The amount of threads on mumsnet about two weeks ago, right up to now, where people can't go on, it's hell, it's not even worth living any more because of the restrictions on life. Lots of people do not mentally feel they can go on in this level of isolation and lack of human contact and lack of ability to take part in activities- so the decision to sit home and keep yourself 'safe' does have emotional consequences for others, even if you feel justified as it stops the spread of corona.

Second, the economy is crashing badly, and if everyone plays it safe and stays in and doesn't go out for coffee, but also doesn't go out to shop or to restaurants or to services or to anything really, then it's not going to recover very well. I'm not going out to support Costa, but I also see that staying in constantly from now on is going to have an economic impact. I'm ok with that as I have a secure (ish) job and so am not worried like the nearly 1 million who are probably going to lose theirs or have already lost them when furlough ends and demand drops.

Finally, it is about what type of society we live in. I think it's extremely sensible for people who are older or ill or have conditions to shield or even just not to go into higher risk situations. However, I've been astonished at everyone saying that the universities shouldn't have gone back this year and everyone should just have stayed online. The cost, the mental and physical cost of online living is incredibly high, we know it's being paid by ordinary people all the time, why would we consign a generation to that? I think giving them some opportunity to learn away from home, and some opportunity to socialise, even though that's an increased risk is just so important that even though there is a cost to that (covid) we might just have to tolerate it.

Yes, this example is just about a coffee, but all those not having coffees do add up and it's about what type of mentality we are going to have, and what type of society we are going to have in the years to come. I suppose I'm also influenced by the fact I don't think a vaccine is going to be the answer, especially if all it does is make the illness milder (so many people will choose not to have it) and will only practically and realistically be given to the higher risk people.

81Byerley · 03/10/2020 12:39

I don't blame her. I'm not meeting anyone. The risk is too great.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 03/10/2020 12:39

@D4rwin

Have you not met up with any friends since March then?

Butterbeeeen · 03/10/2020 12:41

My MIL feels like this about being with us as we both work in places where we are quite exposed. We are delighted 🤣

LakieLady · 03/10/2020 12:41

[quote Meuniere]@LakieLady, if you have children yourself then it doesn’t make sense because they are just as much at risk of having caught Covid in class than the teacher is.
Actually I would day more at risk because (young) children don’t SD....[/quote]
We don't have children @Meuniere (well, DP does, but his "child" is now 30), so it's easy for us to stick to a low-contact life!

But even if we did, I'd be reluctant to meet up outside of the "bubble" that the children were already in. Meeting someone who teaches in a different school is a bit like building a bridge between two bubbles, and I wouldn't want to do that.

Witchcraftandhokum · 03/10/2020 12:41

Honestly, I think you're being ridiculous. I work in a school, Covid isn't being managed in schools, the government guidelines change daily. We've had a staff and pupil with confirmed cases this week and have only sent 20 pupils home despite them being in bubbles of 120.

I'm not mixing with anyone at the moment because I know I'm a risk.

Aridane · 03/10/2020 12:42

YABU for such an over the top reaction with his drama talk of ‘betrayal’ and the like

BlueJag · 03/10/2020 12:43

That's awful specially if she sends her children to school.
I'll be texting her and letting her know how sad and disappointed I am about not meeting.
I really can't believe it. That's really bad and a bad excuse for a friend.