What are we doing wrong with our boys?

[OhNoItsMonday]

NC for this. Mum of boys here.

I love my DC to pieces. They're too young for school yet. But I've already noticed that, whenever you hear complaints about badly behaved children in the classroom (or often outside it), it usually although not always seems to be boys who are being complained about. Just wondering why that is? What are we doing wrong with our boys?

The boys do physical mischief. Girls plot against your mental health. Not so easy to detect but, as I see from so many topics here, much more harmful!

I'm not sure where you are getting this. My sons are teens now, but throughout primary school there were disruptive girls in their classrooms (as well as boys.) And the major problems, the targeted bullying, seemed mostly to involve girls picking on other girls. Boys may, on average, be more energetic and less mature, but I don't think that's a sign of us doing anything wrong. And yes, some boys are obnoxious and grow up to be wife-beaters. But some girls are obnoxious and grow up to be Priti Patel. Teach your kids to be kind, whatever their gender, and all will be well.

It’s excused from what I’ve seen. There’s a lad in my daughters class and since they started at school he has punched or kicked her at least a few times a week. He’s threatened her and quite frankly won’t leave her and others alone. He was inappropriate with one of her friends and she stuck up for them and got a whack for her trouble. Another friend told him to leave my DD alone and he attempted to throttle her. His mum has been told and hasn’t said a word. She doesn’t even seem bothered tbh. There are a group of 5 boys who are similarly behaved but I hear regularly that they have autism, adhd and therefore it’s out across as if it’s a get out of jail free card. Meanwhile my DD asked my DH to come to school to protect her. There’s usually always an excuse, I’ve double checked to make sure my DD isn’t instigating anything because kids can be mean but the school assured me she hasn’t. So for now we have to put up.

The boys do physical mischief. Girls plot against your mental health.

You really don't see anything wrong with that phrasing?

In school, I have found the girls cry more and the boys act out more. The responses and support or lack thereof depends on the how the child is acting out. Society also excuses boys more than girls. I have found at school the teachers roll their eyes when boys act out, but show more impatience for the girls, who are crying. As the girl, who cried, I felt trapped just as the boys feel trapped. in the UK education is one of the youngest in the world with a majority starting with proper education at 7. Most kids in the UK are 4 with a majority not 5 until partway through the year. It is also some people (men and women) allowing the behavior for boys instead of working to change how we allow boys to express themselves ie talking about feelings and how they are expressed.

And yes, some boys are obnoxious and grow up to be wife-beaters.

A "wife-beater" is not obnoxious. He is a criminal,an abuser and if statistics are correct a possible murderer.
Being obnoxious does not make you a wife beater.

I also don't know why you're comparing an abuser with Priti Patel(no matter how much of a twat she is).

From birth we expect girls to be gentle, compliant, we talk to them more, do more sitting and concentrating and fine motor skills activities.

From birth we expect boys to be rough, tough, boisterous, "just like dogs", take them out for a run rather than sit them down to do colouring.

Oh and then guess what? Boys start school with poorer language skills, fine motor skills, social & emotional skills, less able to sit and concentrate.

We take our sons to Rugby Tots and our daughters to Baby Ballet and then say "Oh he loves sports! Typical boy!" and "She loves to look pretty and dance around! Typical girl!".

I have three kids and they are individuals with a range of traits. One is hardworking and compliant at school and generally very easy going and sensitive. One loves to do puzzles and read and wrestle and hit things with sticks and hates sport. One who likes drawing and won't talk to strangers and was a terrible toddler for hitting and biting other kids.
You can't guess their sex from their personalities.

Definitely not the case in my youngest year group. The girls are the problem.

@StellaGib

From birth we expect girls to be gentle, compliant, we talk to them more, do more sitting and concentrating and fine motor skills activities.

From birth we expect boys to be rough, tough, boisterous, "just like dogs", take them out for a run rather than sit them down to do colouring.

Oh and then guess what? Boys start school with poorer language skills, fine motor skills, social & emotional skills, less able to sit and concentrate.

We take our sons to Rugby Tots and our daughters to Baby Ballet and then say "Oh he loves sports! Typical boy!" and "She loves to look pretty and dance around! Typical girl!".

I have three kids and they are individuals with a range of traits. One is hardworking and compliant at school and generally very easy going and sensitive. One loves to do puzzles and read and wrestle and hit things with sticks and hates sport. One who likes drawing and won't talk to strangers and was a terrible toddler for hitting and biting other kids.
You can't guess their sex from their personalities.

I'd say one boy two girls with the girls being the hitting things with a stick one and the biting as a toddler one.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble one right

You're correct, but like someone else said its down to parents not expecting them to be as well behaved. Boys will be boys giving licence to act up. We were not bias and our dd caused more problems than our ds X3.
You get what you expect.
Or
You find what you look for.

In schools, in my experience, its 60/40 boys....but I've hardly ever heard a mum try to excuse their daughters bad behaviour (less than a dozen compared to 100s)

People expect girls to be considerate of others’ needs and feelings. I don’t think boys are held to the same standard.

Ah yes. The dad who freaks out when he has a daughter because it suddenly occurs to him that other men might treat her like he's been treating girls and women all his life, but who rather than thinking 'gosh, maybe I shouldn't have treated them like that' thinks 'maybe I should wrap my daughter up in cotton wool and then continue treating all other women in the world abominably'. And their wives normally declare how 'cute' it is.

Yes it’s bloody irritating and so hypocritical. The men who think like this are definitely the ones who realise how shit they’ve been towards women and want to shield their own daughter from other males doing the same, but yet continue to be a complete dick with women themselves. And yes, the wives just think it’s cute and admirable.

I’m bringing my own sons up to be respectful towards girls and women and people in general so other males too, so I really wouldn’t appreciate I big grown arse man bully bouncing up to them and threatening them just for breathing the same air as his daughter. He can square up to me if he’s that big and tough.

Developmentally inappropriate education. Learning through play should be the norm until 7or 8.

@justanotherneighinparadise

We’re doing nothing wrong with our boys. The majority are naturally more boisterous and curious. I know many people love to say there is no difference between the sexes but there are obvious differences!

Rubbish. They are conditioned to be those things. There’s no intrinsic reason why they should be. What would cause it?

It is generation's of conditioning generation's of being the protector the provider there are high expectations for boys to be tough.
My Dad called my DS a sissy and a cowardly custard for crying last week I let him have it it is how my Dad was reared boys don't cry Dad then put that onto my Dbro's.
I live beside a secondary school you often see alpha boy terrifying another.
I am much tougher on DS I constantly drill no means no to him.

I subconsciously did stereotype too. If DD fell I'd rush to help her with DS I tend to say you're alright now jump up.

Hmmm...you asked - so here’s my take on it. I have 2 dcs - dd17 & ds15. I am a teacher - 17 years in Year 6, so have experienced a fair few pupils & parents.
Most mothers make excuses about their child’s behaviour, especially boys for some reason? I have done a little bit of research about this & anthropology states that mother’s feel differently about their daughters & sons,(as do fathers) some mums do seem to be unrealistic about protecting their little Prince with no common sense involved whatsoever! They literally can do no wrong! This has such a detrimental impact on that child’s ability to take responsibility for their actions and behaviour - and I’m sure every single teacher can recall pupils in this category.
So, what can you do?
Teach your children that their actions and words have consequences- & that they are responsible for how they make people feel.
Do not make excuses for mean, unkind behaviour, there should be consequences.

[quote TheRuleofStix]@Feelingconfused2020 I hope you’re joking .

I’m a mother of 2 boys and a teacher.. My boys couldn’t be more different from each other if they tried - and the boys (and girls) I have taught are the same. The 3 most challenging children in my Y5 class this year are without doubt girls. Two of them are very aggressive.

Raising children has changed completely - parents (as a total generalisation) are much less keen to instil discipline, much less likely to say no, much more keen to excuse bad behaviour, much too reliant on electronic babysitters, much too prepared to allow kids to do very little exercise, and much too lax about the shockingly inappropriate games and programmes that their children watch. It’s raising a generation of confused, aggressive and mixed up children and it’s desperately sad.

The general dislike of boys driven by sites like this certainly doesn’t help.[/quote]
@TheRuleofStix couldn’t agree more with your opinion! I have one DS, when he was under 10, he needed firm boundaries. His default setting was rambunctious. To sit quietly colouring in would have made him utterly miserable, but thankfully Lego was a favourite.

Boys do seem more naturally energetic and loud?

There's nothing wrong as such but as another person said, there IS a difference in behaviour between the sexes.

I've no idea what confirmation bias is.

@FelicisNox

Boys do seem more naturally energetic and loud?

There's nothing wrong as such but as another person said, there IS a difference in behaviour between the sexes.

I've no idea what confirmation bias is.

How can you tell they are naturally more energetic and loud rather than they have been raised that way? Do they emerge from the womb more energetically than girls?

@FelicisNox

Boys do seem more naturally energetic and loud?

There's nothing wrong as such but as another person said, there IS a difference in behaviour between the sexes.

I've no idea what confirmation bias is.

Confirmation bias is where you see evidence that backs up what you already believe.

An example would be where someone holds sexist beliefs, such as 'boys are naturally more energetic and loud', then they will see that behaviour, thus confirming their already-held view...

How can you tell they are naturally more energetic and loud rather than they have been raised that way?

I'm a pretty lazy indoorsy type person...My ds was very high energy..literally climbing the walls if we didn't go out every day to run. I'd have loved him to sit quietly and play. I used to give him colouring books and crafts...zero interest. I then had my dd, she obviously came on our daily park trips yet never had the same energy levels. I know I'm just one person..but every mother of boys I've known feels the same. If my ds has a friend over they run round the house like absolute lunatics. If my dd has a friend over, they invariably play in a much quieter way.

If we look at the animal kingdom, there are differences between the male and females of a species. Why would humans be any different? Socialization clearly has some part to play, but I believe nature is a more overwhelming factor.

Funny how explanations and excuses for male behaviour always come back to the "animal kingdom". One would hope we were slightly more evolved.

I used to have open house when my kids were growing up, if anyone was looking for their child they'd come to my door. Four kids, three boys one girl and those kids were great, I still know many of them and their kids. Only one was ever destructive, wrecked a bedroom threw books round, tipped the bookcase over, tore clothes off the bed it looked like a bomb had gone off. It just happened to be a girl, I don't think all girls are like that but she was I don't think all boys are angels but the ones that filled my house were never any trouble, nor were the other girls. I think some girls are nice and some aren't same with boys/men and women.