To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

YANBU for refusing to clean FOR them.

What might be a compromise is that you agree to go round and organise them into cleaning the house for SIL - so while you'd still have the mental load of telling them what to do, they'd all have to pitch in and help out, including your brother (who has no excuse).

Teach the kids what to do. Tell them how to operate the washing maching, explain that they're old enough now to clear up after themselves and not be such godawful slobs. No wonder SIL is depressed if she's living with a bunch of layabouts who just create mess and do fuck all to help clear it up!

It's the old "give a man a loaf, feed him for a day. Teach him how to grow wheat, make flour from the ears and bake, and you'll feed him for a lifetime" thing. You can't be expected to go and clean for them every week (although your brother probably thinks you can) so best option is to teach him and the kids how to do it themselves.

If they don't want to learn to help, then fuckit - leave them to it.

This ! It is the best way to help them in the long run

I think it's a bit unreasonable of them to ask you to clean the house. Just tell your brother you can't help with the cleaning but give him a list of the things you are able to do to help out. You're trying to help but you have your own stuff going on, don't feel bad xx

I think its quite cheeky of him to expect you to clean a huge mess up.
You offered to help, pick up DC, run an errand.
That doesnt mean you should be clearing up mess when they cant be bothered.
Say you will help him
Otherwise you will end up doing it every week.
YANBU to state what you can/ cant help with, stick to your boundaries OP

Actually follow ThumbWitchesAbroad advice! 👍

YABU for offering when you didn't mean it. It's a one off.

And I disagree with a PP who said a one off clean wouldn't help. As someone who's suffered from crippling depression, living in filth made it a thousand times worse. It may give her a boost, even temporarily and it will definitely benefit the kids.

I'd do it. I did it for my son when he was overwhelmed - it took one day and created a much healthier, nicer environment. Once the big clean is done, it's easier to keep on top of. Bring in a clean house really would help your SIL, if only because it will put your brother in a better position to focus on her!

All this if you offer to help means you have to do WHATEVER you then get asked is fabulous- so on mat leave I would now ask those who offer to help
-to pay the mortgage and bills to reduce that stress
-buy a new gigantic car, that I won't stress about breaking down
-come and do all the household tasks..
Anything else as they did offer to help so if they don't do the above they are just awful as its what l want isnt it!

standrewsschool so the ill woman should be doing the cleaning with OP, not the healthy man? And this will be ok because of music and cake? Is he just permanently exempted from housework for all time?

From what the OP has written, he’s not struggling, he’s lazy. His wife is no doubt struggling badly and I’m sure it’s exacerbated by being married to a man who thinks cleaning is beneath him. He won’t do it for his sick father, he won’t do it for his sick wife - it will always be some other woman’s job because god forbid he has to clean up after himself whatever the circumstances.

I think YABU for offering to help and then not actually helping. Lots of people make these empty promises when a person is ill, but they’re meaningless if you don’t follow through.

I’ve had periods of intense, terrible depression before and to this day I remember with a gratitude that could make me weep how wonderful it was when my mum came and cleaned my house and did a couple of loads of my washing. It was only a one off, but that weight off my mind (plus the knowledge that she loved me and cared enough about me to do it) meant everything.

You don’t have to agree to anything anyone asks if you, but in future don’t offer help and support that you don’t actually intend to give, because it’s only designed to make you feel better and not to actually help the person in need.

Yabu, as you shouldn't offer to help if you don't mean it. People do this all the time, as they think it makes then look good, and they feel good about themselves, but actually don't want to help.

I find it incredibly disingenuous and selfish. Stick to what you offer, or offer nothing at all. It's much easier for all concerned.

People who offer help then looks shocked when someone asks for help really bug me. You could have just have easily text empty words with no promise help, which, lets face it, was an attempt to make yourself look good.

I actually don't even think your reasons are valid. I think reasons 1, 3 and 4 are judgy.

Reason 2 however is a disgrace and so bloody typical. That needs addressing, but not right now when his wife is ill.

However, while i dont think they are valid, you actually dont need a reason to say no to this specific request. In future, be very specific. ‘Im popping to the supermarket. Are you running low on everything you want me to pick up before your delivery?’ ‘Im going into town this afternoon. Is there anything I can collect For you?’ ‘Im free at X time. Would you like me to have the children over for dinner?’

@Trixie18

Actually follow ThumbWitchesAbroad advice! 👍

I thought that advice was awful, hugely patronising.

I wouldn't do it as it won't be kept that way plus you can't tidy a bomb site.
I'd offer to take the DC one day though they get weekends off already.
Is SIL okay with him asking.

It likely took a lot for your bother to ask for help . IMO your offer was an empty gesture, as there were limitations on what you were offering. I hate to say it but that's what people do sometimes , they offer help but they hope you don't take them up on it , and they have to follow through with it . I personally would do it , and I know my brother would do the same if I asked him .

Just offer to have he kids for a day so that your brother have the breathing room to clean.

Just re-read the OP. DB's family life does not sound overwhelming at all. He works full-time, three school aged kids. No babies, no sick dependants to look after 24/7. SIL having depression, without trying to minimise it, is not something that would prevent him to keep on top of at least basic cleaning.

It's not like he sits at her bedside round the clock with 3 children hanging off him. He does have plenty of time to clean. Especially since they both have the whole Saturday off.

This thread is depressing. It irritates me that this grown up and physically able family man felt it appropriate to ask someone to clean his filthy mess - and genuinely amazes me that so many posters defend him and suggest that OP do just that. That's a messy, dirty, time-consuming work. You do it or pay someone to do it. Not call in a favour.

There is nothing wrong with saying you will look after the children while he cleans. Maybe you could even offer to pay some of the costs of a cleaner for a day.

@MrsRusselBrand OP knows her brother won’t do it for her though - because he didn’t, earlier this year, when she was in hospital.

You asked if you could do anything to help. They've told you what would be helpful but you don't fancy doing that so YABU. You could say you'll come round and help SIL clean, this might help her mentally too. Or say yes I'll come and help you clean and tidy to get you back on track and then you can keep it that way.

If you don't want to clean their house then don't clean their house but also don't use the words 'if there's anything I can do to help let me know' again.
Don't offer something you don't want to give.

Your sister in law may feel like she can do it if someone else starts it and gives her some encouragement

A few years ago, when I was struggling, I had taken my DM out during the day and in my absence, my DF had come around and cleaned my bathroom. This was totally done with nothing but love and care and I have a great relationship with them both but I was absolutely mortified.

Is this something your SIL wants, OP? To be honest, it made me feel really slovenly and embarrassed and underlined that I wasn't coping and needed to be rescued...

Why did you offer to help if you didn't mean it? I think you're the one being off.

I find it incredibly disingenuous and selfish. Stick to what you offer, or offer nothing at all. It's much easier for all concerned
OP didn't offer to clean a home with 5 people living there.
Offering to help is getting some shopping a night babysitting an ear for listening not gut out a filthy house.
Can they apply for home help if DW is incapacitated.

I honestly can’t believe these posts! How on earth can MN be so crazy when it comes to young kids and gender stereotypes and yet fall straight into the assumption adult females should cook and clean on request.

If I offered help to a friend I wouldn’t assume she would ask me to deep clean her house. Funnily enough I know that none of my friends would ask that of me! I agree with a PP who said there is social code where you know what that phrase means. It means childcare, the cooking if a lasagne, walking the dog, a long conversation, shopping. It doesn’t mean a day on your hands and knees scrubbing the floor and scraping the family shit off the basin.

Now the rules change again with the elderly. At that point if you offer help you probably know you will be taking on some cleaning duties as they may not physically be able to do these tasks.

@AnnaSW1

Why did you offer to help if you didn't mean it? I think you're the one being off.

OP did mean it Their thoughts on what that help entailed differ, thats all. Hes being lazy and sexist.