To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

I'm a little torn on this tbh. After all you did offer to help, however your brother is just being cheeky to ask you to do that! If I was in your position I would offer to go round and help him to do it and I'd also be roping in the elder children to help as well. I'd be making it clear that I would not be doing it alone and that I expect them all to pitch in!

I'd rather clean than look after someone else's children overnight tbh. That would feel like a much bigger understanding than doing some dishes and wacking a hoover round.

What’s the betting if OP did agree to clean the whole family would just watch her do it. I can almost picture it. The kids sitting around watching TV. The brother occasionally offering tea but otherwise very busy on his phone. Fuck off with that!

How much 'looking after ' do the children need? They're not babies

Your brother can either do it himself or pay for a cleaner. I know he works full time but he must have some time to do it. I know it's difficult with younger kids but like you say they stay at grandparents once a week! He could really get stuck in during that time! Not your responsibility when your brother can do it.

Personally I would offer to have the kids so he can clean. There was clearly some misunderstanding about the boundaries around your offer to help.

I do have to say though, and this is just my personal experience, when I was having cancer treatment last year and people offered help the person I was most grateful to was the person who did some cleaning when she house/pet sat for a weekend. DH and the kids did their best and I would have never have been cheeky enough to ask but God was I grateful!

@Isthisit22 God forbid a man should do it

That's not the point though, is it? Op offered "anything" her brother asked for help with the house cleaning. I am sure he can do it, but for once, he thought he'd take op up on her offer of help... only her help is conditional.

This thread is depressing. It irritates me that this grown up and physically able man felt it appropriate to ask someone to clean his filthy mess - and generally amazes me that so many posters defend him and suggest OP do just that

I have read all eight pages and there are a few posters that have said they would do it and a few that have experienced depression and said how much it helped them to have their house cleaned, which I thought was a relevant insight.

Other than that, not that many posters have said OP should go to clean his house. What they are saying is that it is a bit rubbish to offer to do anything to help and then refuse to help because she doesn’t like the format of the help that is most required.

It is irritating that she made an empty gesture purely to make herself look good, when she really only wanted the fun jobs to do or didn’t expect to be taken up on the offer at all.

And before anyone says it yes I know looking after children is hard work, but as a one off, looking after the nieces and nephews or picking them up from school would be fun auntie time.

You said you would do "anything" to help. What you think you meant by that is very different from how it sounds.

I think your sil must be very bad for him to have asked you to do this. I would have done it. I think asking if there is anything you can do and then saying no is very odd. Unless he is asking you to steam clean the whole house, a good tidy and clean round would take a couple of hours at the most.

Florence she didn’t make an empty gesture. She offered to look after the kids (which is not necessarily a fun job!). He asked her to clean his house.

What about the posters who haven’t referenced their own depression but have made inane suggestions that OP should go round with music and cake to clean alongside the SIL (who is unwell), not the brother (who is fine)?

I would offer to go round and HELP HIM clean the house . Maybe when the children aren't there. I'd make it clear it was a one off to get him to the place where he can maintain it even while working . His wife probably normally does most of it and it has probably slowly got so bad it is a big job to get it sorted. Maybe also help him with a plan for doing the basic housework while his wife is ill including a list of job for the children so that they start to help out as well. Your SIL will be incredibly grateful if when she recovers she has a family who shares the household tasks. If this was already the case,bit would not have got so bad when she got ill.

Also, you don't know how it's affecting your brother. Perhaps he's finding it hard to be the main parent, and work full time, and look after his wife. His sister offered to do "anything" to help, and he's told her the one thing that would be a massive help. It also sounds more like it's tidying than just cleaning? And some people find tidying very hard to do - I know I do. And that's when life is going well.

I’m now worried that having said “ if there's anything I can do to help let me know” to a recently widowed school dad, I’m going to have to pay off his mortgage and give up work to chauffeur him around.

I wouldn’t be willing to clean their whole house. I would be willing to do some for a couple of hours while he pitched in. It may be that tidying is what’s required, and that’s tricky in someone else’s home if you don’t know where things go. I liked the idea of doing the kitchen and a batch cook. Maybe a Friday night or a Saturday morning so he can build in your work.

The other thing he doesn’t seem to have factored in is that his request requires your DH to undertake all of any shared responsibilities while you’re gone. And he’s a man.

@cansu

I think your sil must be very bad for him to have asked you to do this. I would have done it. I think asking if there is anything you can do and then saying no is very odd. Unless he is asking you to steam clean the whole house, a good tidy and clean round would take a couple of hours at the most.

Agreed.

I have done it for my brother and SIL before but this was when they were both in hospital at the same time. They had obviously been unwell for a while and it took me the best part of a week to get things sorted. They didn’t ask, I just did it because they are my family, I love them and I wanted them to have a clean home to come back to.

Your brother may be feeling completely overwhelmed by it all and struggling or he may be a misogynist pig who sees housework as ‘women’s work’ but only you can know that, we can’t make assumptions based on this snapshot. Either way the children and your SIL still need your help. I think the best thing would be to offer to come over to help him while the kids are at the grandparents and both of you can spend the day doing it together.

My heart goes out to all of you.

Are you BU? Yes.

It is very hard to ask for help when struggling. If within COVID rules where you are, go and give them a hand. Just an hour of your time will make a huge difference to them - it shows someone is on their side and will give them hope.

All the best, you sound like a very generous person.

X

I feel for them. Depression with DC's is so awful and really changes the dynamic at home. It must have been really embarrassing for your brother to ask. When I had PND my house was a bomb site and it made me feel worse.

FWIW my sister struggled when her DC was young and I often cleaned. I wanted my DN to have a clean home, with clean sheets, I even decorated at points. Not that you have to obviously but it's not out of the range of normal to do these things.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I’m now worried that having said “ if there's anything I can do to help let me know” to a recently widowed school dad, I’m going to have to pay off his mortgage and give up work to chauffeur him around.

I wouldn’t be willing to clean their whole house. I would be willing to do some for a couple of hours while he pitched in. It may be that tidying is what’s required, and that’s tricky in someone else’s home if you don’t know where things go. I liked the idea of doing the kitchen and a batch cook. Maybe a Friday night or a Saturday morning so he can build in your work.

The other thing he doesn’t seem to have factored in is that his request requires your DH to undertake all of any shared responsibilities while you’re gone. And he’s a man.

It’s hard because you did offer to do ‘anything’ but equally ‘clean my entire house’ is a piss take. That said, my mental health REALLY suffers when the house is a shit heap (I’m not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination) so it would probably help a lot. Could you offer to take some laundry or do an hour or two in the kitchen as a compromise?

@CaptainBrickbeard

Florence she didn’t make an empty gesture. She offered to look after the kids (which is not necessarily a fun job!). He asked her to clean his house.

What about the posters who haven’t referenced their own depression but have made inane suggestions that OP should go round with music and cake to clean alongside the SIL (who is unwell), not the brother (who is fine)?

No she didn’t. She said she would do “anything to help”. Read the OP.

I'm on the fence here. My mum offered to help when I was struggling with my new born and post natal depression . What she actually meant was if there is anything fun you want me to take care of let me know. She came out with a list of what she wouldn't do; the ironing, cleaning, tidying up, taking dd for a bit. Don't know exactly what she remembered intended to help with.
Pil were the same, repeatedly asking him f they could babysit and then she we said ok X date at Y time: Oh no we meant only on a Sunday and only for Sunday lunch. By we don't go out for Sunday lunch, we spend Sundays as a family. Oh well we want to see the dcs. Well babysit when was actually need it then!
Anyhow the brother needs to instil standards in his dc and do the cleaning himself. Op you need to point out that you already clean for your dad and aren't going to do it for your brother too.

What they are saying is that it is a bit rubbish to offer to doanything to helpand then refuse to help because she doesn’t like the format of the help that is most required
Its not rubbish though, its a perfectly normal boundary.
Offer to help him do it, compromise on both sides

I would say I’d come to help clean, and do it together with the brother

Not do it whilst he sits on his phone , but yes I’d help my brother

Your post does confirm my suspicion that people who say “is there anything I can do to help?!” just want to sound nice without having to put the work in

I always thought that