To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

I bet the house still looks exactly the same when you go back. Waiting for update...

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

Exactly this! I've recently had a baby who has a health condition so is in and out of hospital a lot and the amount of people who have said to "let them know if we need any help with anything" who I know aren't actually in a position to help really annoys me. People often offer on the basis they assume you won't actually ask for any help. Really grinds my gears! Just send well wishes and be on your way 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why get upset? See it as a simple social platitude. Most of us know who of our friends are most likely to step up in a crisis. Often people surprise and disappoint us in equal measure. Just don’t take the piss out of those who offer help by asking for their life savings. It’s pretty simple really.

I think that posters are being really nasty saying that Op didn't want to help.

I think it's obvious that she did-but within limits.

Isn't that how most offers of help are made?

@Rose789

I’m picking his kids up from their grandparents now. Dh is taking the older 2 to a climbing wall thing. I’m taking the younger 3 to a soft play. Can’t all go together anywhere as local lockdown means 6 people only. We will feed and water them and I’ll take them home at 5pm. Which means my brother has had a full 24 hours child free to get on top of the cleaning.

That’s really great!

I think it’s fair that you set boundaries with what you are willing to do, and can understand based on your own schedule why you don’t have capacity to clean for them.

Making concrete offers sounds like a good plan. I just noticed that no one takes me up on “let me know if I can help with anything” offers. But recently I offered “Can I bring you a vegetable lasagna one day this week?” And got an enthusiastic yes.
So being specific seems better for everyone.

Rose well done, what an amazing service looking after your brother's three children.

Good balance op, hope it’s worked well!

good plan,
you need to help people to help themselves!

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

This with bells on.

Its one of those empty "Let me know if you need anything" offers of support. I've been there, my family came round and helped me to gut the place.

Just seen this. Good compromise hope you have a nice day

I would say no. If you do it once, he will expect you to do it again.

Looking after the kids is enough.

"Its one of those empty "Let me know if you need anything" offers of support. I've been there, my family came round and helped me to gut the place."

Except as you then noticed it wasn't!

Op is having his kids until 5pm today (after them being at GPs since 5pm yesterday) so that he can crack on in peace!

It also involves Op's husband so that the kids can be taken to activities.

Good plan Rose all those stating if you offer to help you need to do WHATEVER they ask if you need help, is that just when people ask you, or would you be willing to do absolutely anything that you are asked of?

OP has certainly provided more help and support than her brother did when she was hospitalised with cancer. Perhaps he ought to be suitably appreciative, and maybe reflect that sometimes what goes around comes around.

Well that was a waste of time. Dropped the kids off at 5 asked how it was going. Brother has spent most of the day recovering from a hangover. “It’s alright though I’ve done some washing”
Sil was in bed. So I broke local lockdown rules and went inside. He had done nothing since the kids have been away for 24 hours except a load of washing that was still sitting in the machine.
So I put the washed clothes in the tumble drier put another load in to wash.
Got the 10 year old to empty the dishwasher and put away the clean stuff. Refilled it when it was empty and set it away. Took the bins out. Got the 7 year old to sweep the floor. Did a load of dishes that wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher and mopped the floor. 7 year old dried the dishes, 10 year old put them away.
Handed brother a duster and some polish and a black bag and got him tidying the living room. Gave the 4 year old the job of picking up all of her toys and putting them away. Then sent brother off to clean the bathrooms.
So for everyone saying I was unkind by not helping when I said I would do anything. I have now helped.
He’s had 24 hours childfree to drink some beers and play computer games.
Now I’m home with a mountain of my own washing and ironing to do. My kids are asleep without me saying goodnight- when I was dropping off my nephews and niece I said I would be 20 minutes and we could read a story together before bed.
My husband is pissed off that he’s looked after 2 children That aren’t his all day spent about £60 entertaining them thinking he was helping someone struggling and it turns out he was just getting drunk. He’s done bath and bed by himself made the packed lunches. He’s pissed off we’ve barely seen each other all weekend.

OP you are a far better sister than me.

Lesson learned?

Oh OP, you are far better person than I am!

Did DB thank you at least? I’m sorry, but he sounds like a twat.

Cross post!

Don't do the same again next weekend OP. They need to learn how to sort out their own shit.

Oh my god! I wish I was surprised! He sounds like an absolute waste of space. Your poor SIL living with him. Please don’t help again - you know he will expect it and won’t lift a finger thinking that you will do it for him every time.

I've had literally on my knees PND. Some days all I could do was feed the girls and cry. While they napped. As well as whatever had to be done to keep us all basically hygienic. I did it because I had to. There was me, and DH. And nobody else.

There ain't no fairy godmother swooping in to make it all better.

Aw sorry OP your brother sounds like a lazy dick. His poor partner.

When I read that they have every Saturday evening child free but can’t manage to do any cleaning I knew they were lazy.

All I can think is no wonder SIL is very depressed with such a "partner"