To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

My mum did everything. My Dad was a "useless" male. He got his first full time job in 6 years (awful time back then) had an hour long commute on public transport both ways.

Mum died suddenly, tragically. My Dad picked everything thing up. Ok our underwear might have been dyed pink once or twice and I had to help him fold sheets (I was 8) but he managed.

Other family members wanted to adopt us but I refused. I'd already lost my Mum I didn't want to lose my Dad too. We muddled along together. I think your brother needs to do the same.

OP I think you need to talk to your brother. That's the first step.

I think you might have to be more precise with your offer in future.

Cook a lasagna or similar go round and give kitchen a once over and maybe change the beds 🤷‍♀️ A couple of hours and it might be enough to motivate both/either of them

@Namechangeforthegamechange

Cook a lasagna or similar go round and give kitchen a once over and maybe change the beds 🤷‍♀️ A couple of hours and it might be enough to motivate both/either of them

Did you not read the update?

@Namechangeforthegamechange RTFT

Lesson learned OP.

You are too good.
I can understand your husband being well pissed off.

You need to put your own family first.

Men like your waste of space brother will always survive.

Don't damage your marriage because you are out sorting out other people's homes.

Learn from this.

No point in being kind to everyone, if your own family feel neglected.

Oh what a fucking surprise!!!! Complete manchild which is probably why he’s wife is so depressed she cannot get out of her bed.

I do think that possibly your husband is at the end of his rope. Put your own family first.

@Rose789 I just want to scream on your behalf!

Oh what a sad outcome.
You did a good thing and the kids at least might appreciate you and your dh's help.

What an absolute cock!!!!! Did he say it with a simpery, gosh what can I say face? How rude and completely ignorant of you, your life and efforts!!

I’m sorry we doubted you OP. I think you were right all along.

I think your brother needs an earful from you. His behavior is hopefully a one-off but if not, no wonder his wife is having a bad time.

@Italiangreyhound

Rose you have an incredibly busy time. You work I would say full time not part time. Your spre time is already taken up with your own kids and your dad.

You've offered some things you can do and I think your brother just needs to accept cleaning is not one of them.I don't think he is rude or cheeky to ask. I just think it is fine to ask and fine to say no. Why not have this thread moved to relationships now or deleted as outing, as it could be. Unless it is helping to read so many comments.

I felt conflicted at first but I now see how much you give to others. Where is the 'me time' in your bust life! Nowhere.

I'd definitely pull back on helping anyone. You do a lot.

For anyone who missed your post - you said...

"I work Monday- Friday 7-3. Dh starts later so he can do beakfasts and drop the kids at school/nursery. I pick the kids up come home make tea. We eat together as a family then it’s homework, family time, bath, and bed. One of us does bath and bedtime the other cleans up after the evening meal and has a quick tidy round.
One evening I go to my dads for a few hours and dh does tea, bath and bed and the cleaning. One evening he goes to the pub and I do tea, bath, bed and cleaning.
At the weekend I spend 4 hours cleaning, cooking and shopping for my dad while dh has the kids. When I come home he goes for a couple of hours to the gym, or to play golf or see a friend. In between that we do our own cleaning, washing, shopping for the week.
The remaining day is family day. Where we spend time together."

I cannot see any 'Rose' time in this schedule at all.

Xxxxxxx

That stood out for me too!

Please take care of yourself too, @Rose789

You were kind
He was lazy
Lesson learned, just nod and empathise next time.

Not the update I wanted to see, but not surprised either. Sorry you had to go through that OP. What a tool

for you op. You've done your best now leave them to it and concentrate on you and yours.

YANBU! I would probably tell him what you Were prepared to do and let him choose from those.

So his best use of 24 hours free time was to get pissed with his mates? Nice.
I think you need to remember this next time you start feeling obliged to help.
In your shoes I would still be willing to take out the kids to give them a break from living in a mess but all your efforts to tidy will only make the briefest difference. You don't have the time to take on running a third home.

Your brother is an arse. He's probably like this all the time so no wonder why his wife is struggling.

It was really nice of you and your DH to help like you did.
Try no to think of it as helping your useless brother. You helped the kids and then helped show them how to help at home which helps everyone.

And you gave your brother a kick and made him do some of the stuff he should have done for the WHOLE day he wasted.

Your brother's a massive dick who still managed to wangle a person with a vagina into doing and organising his cleaning for him.

Drinking and gaming when he had an entire childfree night and day to clean the house ... and happily dumping them on grandparents and a very busy family in its own right to do so.

Why the fuck did you clean for him?

Oh, and you know what? No wonder your poor SIL is depressed and struggling. Her useless, selfish arsehole of a spouse clearly dumps everything menial and childcare related on her or it doesn't get done ... explains a lot!

@Rose789, I take back my comment from upthread and apologise for rushing to judgement.

Your brother is an asshole.

Your SIL is probably depressed because he is a lazy waste of space.

I would call SS to take an interest in your nephews and nieces' welfare if I were you. Those children are being neglected horribly. You and your DH are very likely the only adults in their lives who are able to actually parent them right now.

This was so obviously going to be the end result. I'm sorry there were so many people with their own agenda about the poor hapless male, struggling against all the odds and needing the little woman to help out that guilted you into helping against your better instincts.

In future, do no more than have the children, and then only for their sakes not for the feckless brother. I agree that the wife is probably depressed as a result of his laziness and entitlement. Don't indulge it in future and put your own family first.

Your DH sounds fab btw.

He is a waster. Was SIL drinking with him.
If SIL is incapacitated with depression she needs to get some form of help it isn't fair on the DC.
Has it always been this way?

Oh @Rose789 what an dick move from your brother. Sorry you and your DH have had a rubbish weekend.

OP,

If your husband is as good as he sounds then it is fair to say to him that you have learnt from it.

SS calling to your brother's house if things slip back wouldbe in the children's best interests.

I don't think you should be taking them again soon.

He is a lazy arse that will use the time to drink and game.

Absolutely no way I would be abusing my husband's good nature for that lazy arse.

You need to be at home with your own family. End of.