To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Ah but if you offer help you offer to do ANYTHING!

Friend: general moan about house/husband/life
OP: anything I can do to help just give me a call
Friend: I could do with your kidney as I have a serious medical issue I failed to tell you about
OP: errrrrrr

I’m picking his kids up from their grandparents now. Dh is taking the older 2 to a climbing wall thing. I’m taking the younger 3 to a soft play. Can’t all go together anywhere as local lockdown means 6 people only.
We will feed and water them and I’ll take them home at 5pm. Which means my brother has had a full 24 hours child free to get on top of the cleaning.

I don’t think the house will be clean ... hope I’m wrong!

@Rose789 I hope they put the hours to good use. I doubt it as their DC stay at the grandparents regularly anyway
After today look after your own DC you're already helpful with your parents.

OP, don’t feel bad about saying no to cleaning his house. Aside from the fact you ajready do that for yours and his dad, your brother is an adult and could clean or saturdays or when you take the kids ( like you offered to)
Him relying on others to clean his toilets isn’t sustainable long term.. at most maybe go over one Saturday night to blitz clean with him, but I would be very clear that it’s once only.

Well done OP. Let’s hope he puts that time to good use 👍

I can partially understand you saying no as cleaning someone else’s house isn’t much fun. Yet, at the same time, why offer to help if you’re there not willing to do it? What are you really meant (and I’m not necessarily judging this) is that you’re happy to help if it’s something that you don’t mind doing. Personally, I think I’d rather clean the house to look after their children - it’s probably easier and less hassle, but I appreciate you might not feel that same.

In the situations I always think that a blanket offer of help isn’t much use unless you’re willing to follow through on it. You would be better to offer specific help such as having the children on a particular day, or whatever it is that you are actually willing to do.

Oh OP, now that you’ve taken three kids to soft play (marginally preferable to cleaning a house but still...) I really hope no one else will accuse you of being unkind or making an empty gesture. This is a very generous action and gives him 24 hours - long enough to spend time with his ill wife, relax a bit and clean his own house!

@justanotherneighinparadise - no my extended family pitched in - both sets of grandparents, male and female. My Dad was still working whereas the other three grandparents were retired and there in the week. Dad did what he could at weekends.

Also, don't be ridiculous - asking for a kidney is hardly the same bloody thing!

It would help if we all had a common agreed definition of ‘anything’ in the context of anything I can do to help’. So the limit is definitely reached before we get to kidney donation (but you said ANYTHING!) and financial help apparently - how far does it extend beyond cleaning someone’s house? Because clearly a number of us in the thread think it doesn’t go that far but others do. It would be interesting to know where people who are arguing that the OP obviously didn’t mean what she said would draw their own line in the circumstances and also I guess why we all think our own boundary is the official and acceptable limit? It’s caused a lot of confusion!

Or are there some people on here who would feel obliged to offer a kidney??!

[quote StepAwayFromGoogle]@justanotherneighinparadise - no my extended family pitched in - both sets of grandparents, male and female. My Dad was still working whereas the other three grandparents were retired and there in the week. Dad did what he could at weekends.[/quote]
And the male members were cleaning and cooking? Or doing typically penis dominated jobs?

@StepAwayFromGoogle

Also, don't be ridiculous - asking for a kidney is hardly the same bloody thing!

Are you depraved? Asking for a kidney is absolutely acceptable if your friend has an autoimmune condition and you said you would do ‘anything to help’ That’s a verbal contract.

I think YABU because you didn't specify exactly what help you were prepared to offer. You said 'anything ' .
Rooky mistake.

@Rose789

I’m picking his kids up from their grandparents now. Dh is taking the older 2 to a climbing wall thing. I’m taking the younger 3 to a soft play. Can’t all go together anywhere as local lockdown means 6 people only. We will feed and water them and I’ll take them home at 5pm. Which means my brother has had a full 24 hours child free to get on top of the cleaning.

You sound like such a kind and generous woman.

I will be curious when the children are dropped off after 24 hours if the house is in good shape.

If it's not, he's a lazy, selfish arse who cares only for himself and was more than happy to impose on his busy sister.

It also will indicate that he puts himself before his wife and his children.

Because, if he really gave a shit about his wife, he would tidy the house to give her the peace of knowing things are going on fine.

I was very ill for a week years ago and with 4 under 10, and absolutely NO support, my husband did the whole lot.

Women do it ALL the time, but SOME men just choose to ignore what they simply don't wish to see.

If that house is still in a dreadful state....I would bet your brother is part of his wife's problem.

How well he has failed to offer any support to his father!!

Be wary of taking the children every weekend.
YOUR husband has had a busy week too.
Don't you and your husband run yourselves into the ground for your lazy brother.

He needs to be left to get on with it, just like he leaves others to.

Maybe he might have a bit of an appreciation for all that is done for him.

Lazy arse.

Mind yourself and your OWN family.

I’d probably do it on the proviso that it’s a one-off to get them back on their feet, and that the older children are there to learn(if necessary) what they can do on a regular basis to help stop it getting into a pig sty again in the future. He should be able to keep it ticking over with the older kids’ help until your SIL is better.

I do agree with billy 1966 that women just get on with this sort of stuff all the time though.
To be fair to your brother if he works FT and SIL works PT he might not be used to having to do housework yet hence it getting in a state.

I think cleaning and tidying someone else's house is far from simple. How do you know where things belong? That's more than half the battle ime. It's totally different from going into a fairly empty space and actually cleaning it.

@justanotherneighinparadise - no, they were cleaning too. I'm sorry that doesn't suit your narrative.

@Purplealienpuke

I think YABU because you didn't specify exactly what help you were prepared to offer. You said 'anything ' . Rooky mistake.

It’s spelt ‘rookie’ mistake, not rooky. HTH.

[quote StepAwayFromGoogle]@justanotherneighinparadise - no, they were cleaning too. I'm sorry that doesn't suit your narrative.[/quote]
It’s certainly rare, I’ll give you that!

Rare or fantasy?

@CaptainBrickbeard

Or are there some people on here who would feel obliged to offer a kidney??!

To their presumably dying sibling?

Most I imagine?

I will now think of my chalk and cheese siblings as the one I'd give my kidney to.. and the other one.