To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

@Boobissue

Like @FOJN, I’m uncomfortable with your persistent needling and messages to @justanotherneighinparadise, given she has already said she has experience of poor mental health. Leave her alone for goodness sake.

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

This with knobs on!

@Boobissue

Who appointed you mumsnet police *@Howlooseisyourgoose* ?

I wasn't digging, I explained why my sister couldn't "just get on with it", to some unable to understand severity? Could you point out where I was asking her history?

Ok with that sticky beak? I don't need your advice, it doesn't interest me, so take your own advice and jog on!

I’m not giving YOU any advice 😂 I could care less, you’re a random on the internet.

And that post was to @Itsabeautifuldayheyhey, can you even read?!

Jesus Christ. I'm cracking up at this thread. Only on MN... Saying 'let me know if theres anything I can do' is not the same as 'I'll literally do anything you want no matter how ridiculous or demeaning'. What's next? Paying his rent/mortgage? Becoming their free personal chef or nanny? Everyone knows there are limits on offers of help. Asking someone to clean your entire house when they offered to have your kids for a few hours is not reasonable.

I think you should say, "I'm happy to babysit while you clean?"

@Aridane she did mean it. She’s willing to help. Expecting that to mean she cleans their house is ridiculous given all the other information regarding their father, the babysitting etc. But she has not misled her brother or made an empty gesture. She will help - she won’t do this. It’s a reasonable and fair boundary.

Sometimes a visitor can change the dynamics in a household in a good way, could you go round at say 7 pm one evening and assign tasks to everybody?put some loud music on? If they all mucked in for 20 mins then 7pm could become the family’s tidy up time. Setting up a new routine with different rooms cleaned on different days of the week 10 mins tidying and 10 mins cleaning bathroom say.
Bring a timer and a treat for when it’s done like cake then follow up every so often. If the whole household joins in rather than it all falling on one person’s shoulders this may gradually improve their life. Something is better than nothing, Kids can get school stuff ready for the next day as well as putting clothes away or hoovering or washing up etc. Moral support and praise can go a long way.

@Boobissue I’m responding to your posts to me, in which you’re tagging me. How else would you like me to address you if not by tagging you?

And why is it ok for you to tag me but I can’t tag you?

Well, I for one would be happy to go around and clean my brother’s house, however long it took. Washing, ironing ,cooking or whatever it took to help all the family. Poor man, working and looking after the children along with worrying about his wife must be awful for him. He needs support too, regardless of being a man. Having to make all the decisions after being part of a team will be overwhelming. What about his mental health? Maybe the children do need educating about doing their shares of the chores but it won’t happen overnight. Just as your sil didn’t become I’ll overnight. With some help and encouragement the family can start to make changes, and feeling that someone else cares will be a huge moral booster.

Maybe your SIL needs to make more effort, she's off work all day so she has plenty of time spare . It's easy to be unmotivated to do anything if someone else is there to constantly pick up the slack.

Poor man, working and looking after the children along with worrying about his wife must be awful for him. He needs support too, regardless of being a man.

Poor OP has a full time, job, children AND has to care for their father. OP has had no support with looking after their father.

@CaptainBrickbeard satisfied that she's delivered the help that was requested. Not satisfied at the cleaning.
I'm just trying to help the op here the same as you are!

'The poor man'. A bit like OP's husband having to do it all when she spent a lot of time in hospital - and got on and did it? And all he did was pick up his niece for school one time?

Maybe your SIL needs to make more effort, she's off work all day so she has plenty of time spare

Quite - after all, people with depression just need to pull themselves together and crack on with it

Well, you aren't depressed. Feeling low is not the same as having depression. I think the problem is everyone classes having worries or stress as a mental health issue these days. That is utter rubbish.

Not sure dismissing someone's mental health issue because it doesn't manifest itself in a way for you to take seriously is particularly helpful. Sounds very much like the "pull yourself together" response which has been quite aggressively objected to already.

Although it is good to know that I can get a easily get a diagnosis for mental health issues from randoms on the internet. Psychiatrists can all retire.

You asked whet you could do to help. He told you. You don’t want to.

Fine, I suppose, you’re not required to clean the house. Up to you what is strongest inside you, the desire to help vs how much you woll have to put yourself out to clean their house.
Up to you?

You come across very judgy by pointing out all the way that they “should” be able to get the cleaning done themselves. What’s your point? That they’re cheeky to ask it of you? Well, you told them to let you know how you could help. Don’t try and make out they are being unreasonable for asking.

😬

Only read your posts op but i doubt very much if you were his brother he would ask you to clean his house. Seems to be considered women's work in the family. You already clean your dad's house, do his washing, make meals, get shopping. It was not a reasonable request on top of you working full time and looking after your own house and kids.