To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

I hate cleaning. I’m messy, disorganised and incompetent at household tasks and it does get me down. I feel paralysed by it when it builds up. But, if my cleaner couldn’t come eg another lockdown for example and DH was ill with depression or anything else but my kids went overnight from 5pm on a Saturday, I’d do it. I’d clean 5-7pm then get dinner and watch a movie in my (marginally better) house and still get a lie in on Sunday morning. I’d never dream of turning to a relative, especially one who already cleans for a parent and expecting them to do it because they made a generic offer of help and I doubt anyone on here defending the brother would either. He’s so unreasonable!

There is an underlying assumption on this thread that the brother can’t possibly clean because he is a man and OP being a woman can get the house clean like Mary Poppins with her magic bag and whip everything into shape in a lickety spit.

YABU you offered to help, would a one off couple of hours really be that bad. Maybe next time quantify what help you’re willing to give.

YANBU - your brother should clean his own house; he is a sexist. His kids aren't even there for hours every weekend as you have mentioned. Perfect time to clean. Daily stuff; he needs to step up and 'learn' how to do it.

Have I stepped into a parallel universe?! 100% YANBU. When people offered: "what I can do to help?" cleaning their house/toilet, killing someone for them, paying for their mortgage is definitely not one of them unless you have done something similar for them in the past.

Do you think if one his mates offered, he would ask them to come and clean his house? I doubt it.

OP the fact you had to ask and came up with reasons suggests you need to work on your boundaries. Suspect he had in the past successfully got you to do an awful lot of things for him.

Also, no adult needs to be shown how to clean the house. No one ever shown me how to clean the house. You just do it, basic cleaning is just a common sense. He obviously thought cleaning is women' jobs.

I have to admit not understand all the posters here that when you offered it means you would do anything. Also a lot of projecting about depression here.

Sadly not but don’t worry I think most people can see what you’re dealing with. 😂

They are missing a trick! That would be worth the fifty quid all on its own.

OP I tried to say both answers (YABU and YANBU) but I've changed to YANBU. I see you have a baby and they are a lot of work.

It does seem very unfair you help with your dad and your brother doesn't.

I'm shocked that so many people think that Op's offer of help means she should just do as asked by her brother.

Op did (imo) quantify the type of help that she could/would give.

If it's just a one off couple of hours needed-then why is Op's brother bothering her at all with it & not just knuckling down in the child free hours that he gets?

I do think YABU because you did offer to help. You don't like what he's asked help with, that's unfortunate. But then you say you have cleaned for friends, but you won't help your DB, because 'he's not the one who's sick'. That doesn't make any sense - his DW is ill, so they both need help. I think if I were you I would say that cleaning isn't my forte (which is true) and maybe go over and do a bit as a one-off; or offer to pay for a one-off cleaner; or specifically say you'll take the kids to give him time to get some cleaning done. You may need to make clear that the kids need to help around the house, have chores or a chore rota, and stop the dropping litter on the floor type stuff.

I have helped my DB when he was drowning with stacks of dirty dishes, floors that desparately needed sweeping, piles of laundry, dirty bathroom etc and his ex-P wasn't doing any housework (she was just lazy, not ill). He needed it, and I was happy to help. I don't live near him, but I did try to help whenever I visited.

@jay55

So he could take you up in your offer to have the kids, and do the cleaning himself during that time, but he'd rather you did the cleaning?

This 100%!

You offered to help. Obviously you didnt caveat that with "but dont take the piss I'm not your skivvy, theres nothing wrong with you and I have my own life too."

Offer to have the kids over again (while he cleans)

Asking you to do that is cheeky fucker territory. Time consuming and really hard work!

When I feel low, I struggle for motivation to do things, but if DP starts tidying and asks for my help, I will do it. If anything, I feel better once it's done - a tidy house boosts the mood so much!
Well, you aren't depressed. Feeling low is not the same as having depression. I think the problem is everyone classes having worries or stress as a mental health issue these days. That is utter rubbish.

Many people on MN have no idea what depression really is.

I think a lot of us have offered to help people but not expect to be asked to clean someone’s house!!

Is there something wrong with your brothers ability to perform tasks?
He has a full time job and kids, he can do that so why can’t he clean?

He needs to get his children to help clean as well.
There’s no way in the world I would clean their house for them.
He’s massively taking the piss because he knows you’re a people pleaser.

YANBU. Your brother was beint a cheeky fuck by even asking for it. Some people have no limits to their cunty fuckery. Stick to your guns.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that 'if I can do anything to help, like take the kids for the night, or do the school drop off' will be respected as having unspoken limitations as per your own personal limitations, resources and circumstances, put upon it.

So not being prepared to clean three houses in a day when you've got your own kids to wrangle, groceries to get, and jobs to get done, to my mind, is fair enough.

Some men seem to think that everyone should immediately down tools to rush to their aid if their own partner is incapacitated, or unavailable. Far too many women enable them, by doing so.

Being the proud possessor of a penis doesn't mean that you shouldn't have to, or can't, look after your own partner, children and house. As many, many, women do. And, to be fair, many men, also!

*When I feel low, I struggle for motivation to do things, but if DP starts tidying and asks for my help, I will do it. If anything, I feel better once it's done - a tidy house boosts the mood so much!
Well, you aren't depressed. Feeling low is not the same as having depression. I think the problem is everyone classes having worries or stress as a mental health issue these days. That is utter rubbish.

Many people on MN have no idea what depression really is.*

This 100%!

Read my posts about my sister suffering depression how she is struggling with housework etc.

The ignorance on here is shocking.

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

When I feel low, I struggle for motivation to do things, but if DP starts tidying and asks for my help, I will do it. If anything, I feel better once it's done - a tidy house boosts the mood so much! Well, you aren't depressed. Feeling low is not the same as having depression. I think the problem is everyone classes having worries or stress as a mental health issue these days. That is utter rubbish.

Many people on MN have no idea what depression really is.

Not you as well 😂. @justanotherneighinparadise has said that she would prefer not to disclose her medical history to win a pissing contest. So respect her wishes and stop digging.

I can understand your reasons but some people have no idea how to tackle things once the housework gets out of hand. I would go over to help but on the basis that they all help.

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered.
Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

This, 100%

You offered…

It could be an excellent opportunity to work with SIL and help her with her depression. You don’t have to work your arse off surely!

As for: “come and do those things for me because my wife normally does it.”, well no wonder she’s depressed.

I don't blame you for not wanting to clean. I would probably offer to look after the children for an afternoon so that he can get on with cleaning himself.

Calm down @Howlooseisyourgoose , it's not ishoos unless you're about 15?

You sound like a stroppy teenager who has to be right!

Don’t offer to help if you don’t mean it