To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

@SunshineCake so how can you justify calling the OP unkind? She’s offered to help her brother, despite the fact she already has a job, children and additional caring responsibilities which makes her a lot busier than he is. She isn’t unkind for saying that help doesn’t extend to cleaning his house for him but is limited to childcare and emotional support. That is a kind and generous offer. His request for her to clean his house sounds like an unkind attempt to take advantage of his sister’s good nature based on the other information we have about him.

I don't think he was U to ask, but neither were you U to refuse.

It was healthy of you to say no. I know some people pleasers - all women ofc - who never refuse anything and end up running themselves into the ground - at which point everyone they were helping starts grumbling that their cleaning/babysitting/dogwalking/chauffeur/mentor fairy is slacking...

@Boobissue

Totally ignorant *@justanotherneighinparadise* obviously you think you're a better person because you just got on with it!

Such a dreadful attitude and why people still feel shame about mental health issues!

Being told "well I managed"

I’d appreciate it if you stopped telling me my own thoughts about my self worth. Thank you.

I’d appreciate it if you stopped telling me my own thoughts about my self worth. Thank you.

Your thoughts on depression and just getting on with it are on a public forum for all to see!

You voiced them, no one else.

Is there a block button with Premium does anyone know?

In a situation like this, when you clearly have so much on your own plate, rather than offering to do anything I would have just done something nice for them, that I knew was within my own acceptable boundaries but was helpful to them. E.g send round a hamper of useful groceries / household products or take them a few lasagnes / sheperds pies round. Or say something concrete like “on Sunday I am free and would like to take your kids out for the day”. You pick how much you are willing to do. Set your own boundaries.

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

THIS with bells on!

How about you go round to clean as a one off and try to get your SIL to help a little bit to encourage and motivate her instead of being so judgemental?

Is there a block button with Premium does anyone know

@mnhq could you answer this? Would be useful.

YANBU. Don't be made to feel guilty by those saying 'well you asked.....' He is a CF to ask you to do it when he's capable of doing it himself like any adult. Maybe if he had been more helpful with your DF you would be more inclined but he hasn't. Also agree the older children should be made to contribute.

@ValleyoftheTrolls why does the SIL need motivating to clean? She’s ill and needs to recover. The brother is healthy and has time when his kids spend the night at their grandparents. He should clean.

I mean, you did ask what you can do, but I think you meant one-off things that might be an issue like childcare etc. If you clean the house, it'll be a state again in a few days if nobody is taking care of it, and what then? You'd have to go every week, which obviously isn't fair. If it hasn't been tackled for a while, I think it'd take you absolutely hours to sort, even if you managed to do it all!

They either need to get a cleaner (which I know you say they can't afford, so maybe it's not an option) or come up with a solution to get it clean and keep it clean.

When I feel low, I struggle for motivation to do things, but if DP starts tidying and asks for my help, I will do it. If anything, I feel better once it's done - a tidy house boosts the mood so much!

He should set some time aside, perhaps ask you to take the kids for a day (if it's a Saturday for example you could drop them off at their grandparents afterwards, then they'd have a whole weekend), and just slowly work through what they can.

I understand depression and the lack of motivation, but with support from her husband and gentle instruction about what to do, she should be able to get something done with him - and feel better for it!

Boobissue

For someone who claims to have an understanding of mental health issues I find it uncomfortable to read your persistent messaging to a person who has simply described their own experience and related that they know they are not a minority. That you have a different experience does not invalidate theirs.

Offer to have the kids on Sunday so he can clean the house!

How about you go round to clean as a one off and try to get your SIL to help a little bit to encourage and motivate her instead of being so judgemental?

Would you say that to if the SIL was suffering from any other debilitating illness?

Or is that the "come on pull yourself together, it's just depressing" attitude?

She's sick, she can't cope with housework, she not coping with life.

But priority is "get the housework" done?

I bet if you were a man there is no way your DB would ask you to come over and clean his house.

Nail on head, Annasgirl. I think everybody knows that’s true, deep down, whether they will admit it or not.

Feminism still has a looong way to to go.

You need to learn to:

1. Mean what you say and
2. Say what you mean.

Say you’ve had enough of cleaning yourself but willing to have the kids for 3 hours today so he can whip through the house top to bottom.

OP, how can your brother possibly think that if you’re working full time and cleaning your own home and your DF’s as well, with no regular childcare like they have, that you’ve got more time and energy for cleaning his house than he has? It’s so bloody entitled. Massive CF.

[quote CaptainBrickbeard]@ValleyoftheTrolls why does the SIL need motivating to clean? She’s ill and needs to recover. The brother is healthy and has time when his kids spend the night at their grandparents. He should clean.[/quote]
@CaptainBrickbeard, yes I see what you mean and I was looking at it from the where OP says that her SIL has no motivation and has been depressed. Sometimes a gentle nudge and practical help in the right direction can help start the long journey to recovery.

You asked if there was anything you could do to help? They said “yes, please can you help tidy the house” and you have said “no”. Why bother asking?

I know tidying someone else’s house is no fun but if it helps the situation then I would do it as a one off.

Or offer to clean it with him and the teens. Like a squat team all hands to the deck for an hour and a half followed by cake and a film.

Sit with them all and write a list together of everything everyone needs to do. Ask who is doing which job.

Change bedding
Wipe surfaces
Mop
Hoover
Empty bins
Wash up.

No one stops till it’s done

@rookiemere

With the latest OP, I feel it would have been better to have offered nothing as OP is already envious of the childfree time that DB gets and looking after his DCs may also be a source of resentment.

You’re being very unfair given OP takes care of their father and does his cleaning, letting the brother off the hook. Very mean spirited.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Is there a block button with Premium does anyone know?

Sadly not but don’t worry I think most people can see what you’re dealing with. 😂