To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

@Porcupineinwaiting the information in the OP is that his father has a lot of health problems. So needs help.

@Littleposh

You offered to help and you clearly don't have a clue how depression works. Personally I think it's a difficult thing to ask so he must really need the help

Yes I guess he’s found it really difficult to ask OP how he can help care for their father as well all this time!

@justanotherneighinparadise so what if you were able to clean your house?

My DS is suffering from depression, lives alone, financially able to afford a cleaner.

I live abroad so can't help her, or I would.

Every time I talk to her she's stressed about the house mess, I begged her to get a cleaner, her response was "it makes me feel physically sick to even think about having to sort that out".

So you being able to manage housework does not make you a better person than someone who can't. I'm amazed that someone who has suffered issues is so judgemental of another.

My sister is a good, wonderful person but struck down by an awful illness.

Your lack of empathy is awful.

"You offered your support and then changed your mind when it was too much effort for you."

And good for Op I say.

What's the point in her running herself into the ground cleaning the house when her brother can do it whilst Op has the kids?

There's no information about whether their father could pay for that help though. Lots of fathers are happen for their families daughters to do stuff for them rather than accept outside help. Doesnt mean they have to do it.

Well the other thing is - and perhaps this situation will be a wake up call - OP doesn't have to spend her free time cleaning DFs house. She could ask social services if he is entitled to any support or carers allowance and this could be put towards a cleaner.

My DM used to go and gut out my GPs house once a month at the weekend, DAunt would go on another weekend. They would then grumble about other relatives who didn't do this, but GPs were well off and another member of the family received carers allowance so funds were there to outsource it, but this was rejected as GPs did not eant strangers in the house.

@Boobissue the brother isn’t depressed though so he can sort it. I agree the depressed woman can’t. But he can and he should; it’s his responsibility but apparently he shirks his responsibilities as we can see from the way he has never offered help with his father either.

You offered to help so need to do it really otherwise it was just an empty gesture and meaningless. When people need help it’s not just the easy bits that are needed it’s the practical ones as well and a quick clean falls into this category. I’ve offered cooking and cleaning to people before who are struggling with illness or reduced circumstances. And I’ve done both to help in their own home.

Thank you for all the responses. Ironically I didn’t have time to reply because I was cleaning my own house before I set off to sort out my dads.
I take on board the I “offered any help” and then refused. No I didn’t put in special caveats I gave examples of things like helping with the school run or having his kids overnight. Neither of which are small things to offer especially at the moment with staggered start times trying to get 4 kids to school with 3 different start times and needing to drop my baby off at nursery.
Or having 5 kids overnight- that’s not fun.

If he was a single parent and he was the one that was poorly I would have been round to clean and cook without him asking me to. That’s what I’ve done for friends and family members. My friend who lives in America was having a mental health crisis I flew out with 2 days notice to take care of her and her kids and their house for a fortnight. This was before I had my own kids obviously.

My friend and her husband were overwhelmed with new born twins and 1 of the babies health needs. I went round to offer practical support did a load of shopping. Cooked meals for the freezer, did a few loads of washing and cleaned.

But he is not a single parent and he is not the one that is ill.
I work full time, I have 2 kids and an ill father to take care of.
If I “pop” around to do his cleaning I will more then likely have to take my kids with me if it’s through the day. 5 kids one of who is only a baby and cleaning a strange house does not sound practical. When his kids will be gone from 5pm Saturday until 10am Sunday.

I would go and help. I have in the past for a family member who has anxiety and depression. The house was pretty bad and I think they didn't have a clue where to start. It is a few hours of your life bit could mean a lot to your DSil.

I think yabu because of this

"If there’s anything I can do to help or if you need me to do the school run or have the kids."

You offered support in the form of anything. He took you at your word. Now you are showing him that when you said anything, you didn't mean it.

I think he’s taking the piss a bit there.. you’ve said to let you know if there’s anything you can do and he’s took that to mean literally anything! There’s absolutely no reason why he can’t clean. He could have asked you to have the kids whilst he cleaned, that seems more reasonable! I wouldn’t be cleaning up their mess, maybe a bit of tough love is needed!!

Why can’t he do it? Does sound like he’s being a bit cheeky as he could get a cleaner and asking someone to clean your house is a big ask-as where do you draw the line? When it’s immaculate? When the washing, kitchen is clean, when it’s de-cluttered?

However, you did say if there’s anything you can do! So you kind of allowed him to ask that....

@VettiyaIruken do you really think anything means anything at all? If you ask someone if there is anything you can do to help them do you really mean anything or do you have a limit somewhere?

@rookiemere I agree with this. I help my mum a lot (all shopping every week, admin, taking her out once a week, taking her to doctor appointments), and she would like her children to clean her house and do her gardening. She is mortgage free and has a good pension, and savings. She can easily afford a cleaner and gardener. I love her a lot but I need to draw a line for my own sanity.

@CaptainBrickbeard

I'm actually responding to another poster saying I still did my housework like she is anything special!

Read my post and stop with irrelevant nonsense to me, you want the DB to be in the wrong, I think the entire thread had got that?

I would ask your sil what help she needs rather than your brother. If I were depressed and lying in bed for example, I would feel even worse (guilty and ashamed) having my sil coming around to clean.

But if she is agreeable , I would tell your brother you will help him to clean tonight when the kids are with their gps. You did offer to help, and having done that, I don't think it's good form to pick and choose.

Could you perhaps offer to help them look at how they could clean their house. It can seem like such an overwhelming task, but even with depression and work, breaking it into smaller tasks can help. Depression is debilitating, but maybe helping to look at one job you SIL could do each day would be both good for her and good for them as a family. So, for example, maybe help them make a plan where everyone does a job each day (e.g. SIL puts hoover round, kids tidy bedroom, your brother mops floors). Having small and achievable goals are important for people with depression, and this would ensure that everyone is pulling g their weight while not feeling overwhelmed.

For family relations, I would think about offering to go round at a given time, say a max couple of hours, as a one off. Say that you can't do this going forward, but are available for emergencies, or drop offs etc as you've said. Might be an idea if SIL could be doing it alongside you? FWIW I have over the years learnt who is likely to have a slightly taking the p*ss approach to these offers, and tend to be pretty clear when I offer what I am offering. I think you shouldn't need to, but some people's boundaries are not great.

[quote Boobissue]**@justanotherneighinparadise so what if you were able to clean your house?

My DS is suffering from depression, lives alone, financially able to afford a cleaner.

I live abroad so can't help her, or I would.

Every time I talk to her she's stressed about the house mess, I begged her to get a cleaner, her response was "it makes me feel physically sick to even think about having to sort that out".

So you being able to manage housework does not make you a better person than someone who can't. I'm amazed that someone who has suffered issues is so judgemental of another.

My sister is a good, wonderful person but struck down by an awful illness.

Your lack of empathy is awful. [/quote]
@justanotherneighinparadise suggested that the BROTHER do the cleaning not the SIL.

Yes she did say she has cleaned when she has felt like shit but that doesn’t mean she is suggesting depressed SIL can clean.

Some people can clean with depression, others can’t. There is no judgment on those with depression who can’t clean.

Ugh he can clean his own house the lazy sexist twat. YANBU OP.

Honestly I would be happy to do this as a one-off. He is your brother and he is struggling, and you offered help. I'm sure you will feel better having done it, than you do now agonising about having refused. It has been proven that people feel better when they help others, so you benefit too. Unless there is a back story which you haven't gone into, I really would do it for them without hesitation.

Don't be ridiculous @Howlooseisyourgoose that was a judgemental comment and you're being blind to say it wasn't!

All the shit she had to put up with and she still
managed to clean her house......

Well bully for her.

I wouldn't do it purely because it would end up being expected to become a regular thing.

@Drowninginwashing there is a big backstory which she posted in her first post. In her most recent update she says she has just cleaned her house, now needs to clean her dad’s house and has to look after her children so I’m thinking that then going in to clean her brother’s house after all of that while he has a child free night tonight probably won’t actually make her feel better.