To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

@tearstainedbakes

But weirdly the SIL hasn’t reached out for help has she? The husband has asked for help because there’s a house staff vacancy and he’s hoping to fill the role for free. I would imagine SIL has no idea he has even asked.

Have you ever had depression or lived with someone with depression?

Because my experience is that someone who's depressed wouldn't even notice that the house is a shit tip, and if they did all that would happen is they'd feel even more broken by it. There's no way they'd ask for help for so many reasons.

I just can't comprehend a mentality where someone would offer to help a family member in need but be selective and judgemental about the sort of help they asked for. To be frank, if it were my brother, even if he wants to sit on his arse and get some rest or go for a walk while I cleaned I would genuinely not care.

There's a lot of assumptions based around gender on here (assuming that there aren't randomly a lot of posters who know the family) which is ironic really, because some people are complaining about the brother's own (assumed) gender based assumptions.

God if only you knew what an absolute shit show my life has been. And yet I still cleaned my house.

How has it got so bad when there is already one childfree evening a week?

Because his wife has been diagnosed with a seriously debilitating illness, she's only just started medication and is not in anyway able to function normally.

Your brother can clean the house when the kids are at their Grandparents, he's just trying his luck.

@itsagogo yes so he can clean when the kids are at their DGPs!

@itsagogo

How has it got so bad when there is already one childfree evening a week?

Because his wife has been diagnosed with a seriously debilitating illness, she's only just started medication and is not in anyway able to function normally.

Eh?

How does his wife being ill equate to it being a bombsite?

Oh wait a minute-he hasn't been doing any housework perhaps?

BIL may very well be a misogynistic idiot, but his Dsis asked him what she could do to help, so he replied.

Fair enough not to want to clean three houses, but perhaps a more helpful response would be to say that cleaning two houses already is tiring enough - might give him pause for thought about DFs arrangement- but she'd be happy to look after the DCs for an evening or afternoon so he could do it.

@tearstainedbakes the brother is not widowed. He is physically capable but is choosing not to physically help the OP look after their father nor is he seemingly physically capable of stepping into his wives shoes and undertaking the chores she would normally do. He sounds like a complete man child.

[quote kursaalflyer]@tearstainedbakes I'm not going to engage with you any more because you are purposely trying to goad. Yes her dh can look after their own house but she is working (you presumably had time off) and she is looking after her father as well. [/quote]
What?!

You said it was different because I had someone else helping out! I assumed you meant that OP had no one helping her and I'd missed it. I even apologised for misunderstanding.

But the fact that you can read an apology as someone being a GF tells me that there's no point talking to someone who can have an argument in an echo chamber.

Bye

Of course he can @Howlooseisyourgoose, or it could spend time sitting with his sick wife and talking to her. Trying to help her recovery?

The OP said anything, then said she didn't mean that, then tried to say it's because of COVID that she couldn't do it, she's changing her story a lot!

And as @ColleagueFromMars says, so many women on this board are so unsupportive of other women that it is no surprise Feminism is going nowhere.

I know it's almost as if some women think that men shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of misogyny either, they're happy to do it for them!

I think its fair enough you dont go and do a deep clean.... however you did offer to help so I would suggest to him you come and help him do it.... maybe he might pick up on kids dropping wrappers a bit more if he has to vclear it up sio say yuo can spare a couple of hours with him

YANBU. That wasn’t an option you offered. If you’re feeling really bad message him saying you’re happy to have the kids for a few hours whilst he catches up with the housework.

@itsagogo

Of course he can *@Howlooseisyourgoose*, or it could spend time sitting with his sick wife and talking to her. Trying to help her recovery?

The OP said anything, then said she didn't mean that, then tried to say it's because of COVID that she couldn't do it, she's changing her story a lot!

As I suggested a bit before:

@itsagogo but he can do that in stages.

So he sends DC to OP while he cleans house.

Then another day he sends DC to OP so he can take his wife out for a coffee.

@Rose789 Are you all British? Surely all brits know “let me know if I can do anything” is just a meaningless platitude you say.

It’s not something you expect to be taken up on.

"but she'd be happy to look after the DCs for an evening or afternoon so he could do it."

Hopefully Op will say that.

She would still be helping her brother-just not in the exact way he has asked for.

End result still the same-the house gets cleaned!

@itsagogo so what’s his excuse for never helping his father? How has he stood by and watched his sister take on all the responsibility and work of it upon herself and never lifted a finger? And we’re supposed to believe that this man would of course clean his own house except that he’s too busy offering emotional support to his sick wife? But has never cared to do anything for his sick father and struggling sister? I can’t understand why you would defend him on the information given.

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

This. You offered!

He can take her out for a coffee?
She is in bed crippled by depression
You'll be suggesting a nice spa day next

You offered your support and then changed your mind when it was too much effort for you. Next time don’t offer. Of course they could find a way to clean their own house, in the same way they could find a way to take care of their kids - but they are struggling and you offered help. If I were then I’d now feel quite bad and embarrassed that they’d asked you. It’s hard to ask for help even when someone offers, it’s like when people offer to do anything when you have a new baby but what they actually mean is they’ll
come cuddle your baby but won’t actually do anything helpful like clean your kitchen or make you a meal. I think you owe them an apology

You offered to help and you clearly don't have a clue how depression works. Personally I think it's a difficult thing to ask so he must really need the help

I'd go but make sure its on the understanding he helps: & give him a list of how often /what to do when. After that,refer him to the list & offer to have the kids for an hour or two while he dies it.

@SmellsLikeFeet

He can take her out for a coffee? She is in bed crippled by depression You'll be suggesting a nice spa day next

Ok so then he sends DC to OP so he can clean the house.

The coffee suggestion wasn’t mine, it was someone who suggested OP clean the house so he can take his wife for a coffee.

@CaptainBrickbeard why should it be assumed that he should help with his father? Because his sister does? Are you then assuming she has a responsibility to clean her dad's house? Without any info on her father, his wealth, his age, his fitness, their relationship etc

fluffycloud I don’t think it’s a meaningless platitude but the word ‘reasonable’ is unspoken though implied. If someone says to me ‘can I do anything to help?’ I know that they mean anything within sensible limits. My dad rang me this morning and asked if there is anything my husband would like for his birthday; I didn’t say ‘yes please, his own private island and a helicopter thanks’. And then get cross and pout because he said ANYTHING and why did he say that if it was just an empty offer and he meant like a book or a jumper or something?

@Littleposh

You offered to help and you clearly don't have a clue how depression works. Personally I think it's a difficult thing to ask so he must really need the help

Oh I think it's something men find very easy to ask a woman to do.