Homesick DD locked down in uni room

[RollercoasterRita]

We took our DD to university in the middle of September. She was excited and full of hope. Now due to someone in her halls of residence being tested positive for COVID, her whole floor has been locked down in their tiny rooms with food parcels being delivered to outside their doors. Totally understand the precautions which need to be taken, but my baby girl is lonely and scared and homesick and I just want to drive up there and get her. I feel so helpless....

I'm assuming everyone saying this is just fine and dandy, and students need to suck it up because "that's what quarantine is duh", would be perfectly content to have security guards keeping them sealed inside their own bedrooms should they be exposed to the virus? No control over their own food or able to receive post, or stick their head out of the window? Yeah? All good with that? Like fuck would they. This is inhumane and I can't believe we as a nation are allowing our young people to be treated like this.

Throughout the pandemic we have been balancing the need to limit the spread of the virus, with the need to ensure everyone's basic needs are met, which very much includes mental health needs. We have never and would never accept that the risk from the virus is so great that it would justify removing our freedom completely. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter when it's young people; many on here seem to be positively relishing the fact that it's really fucking shit for students right now. For a parenting site there seem to be a lot of people on here who really despise young people.

@ineedaholidaynow

Ok if they don’t live far away but if you have to travel on public transport or stop at services it wouldn’t be good

yep, which is why my original post specifically said assuming the students didnt need to use public transport (same would apply to stopping at services)

Thinking about it, you probably can go and get her if you want to OP. If you collect her in a car, take her home and she isolates there. Does she know the person who has tested positive? If not, there was a good chance she hasn't been exposed.

@Theterrible42s

I'm assuming everyone saying this is just fine and dandy, and students need to suck it up because "that's what quarantine is duh", would be perfectly content to have security guards keeping them sealed inside their own bedrooms should they be exposed to the virus? No control over their own food or able to receive post, or stick their head out of the window? Yeah? All good with that? Like fuck would they. This is inhumane and I can't believe we as a nation are allowing our young people to be treated like this.

Throughout the pandemic we have been balancing the need to limit the spread of the virus, with the need to ensure everyone's basic needs are met, which very much includes mental health needs. We have never and would never accept that the risk from the virus is so great that it would justify removing our freedom completely. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter when it's young people; many on here seem to be positively relishing the fact that it's really fucking shit for students right now. For a parenting site there seem to be a lot of people on here who really despise young people.

this totally! I am just constantly amazed at the total absolute lack of compassion or empathy by some posters on MN at the minute. Even more shocking to consider they are possibly parents themselves.

She has all of social media, zoom, Skype, Netflix Amazon etc at her fingertips, unlike most eighty years olds who had to shield for months. Facetime her every day tell her to crack on with her reading and online lessons and this too shall pass, it was almost inevitable moving into halls, surely you and she must've realised that?

@DrDavidBanner

I'm so mad at the unis encouraging students back and I feel so badly for kids of your daughters age who've also had their A'Level years turned upside down.

DS is in his final year and after being assured his course will be 50/50 online and in class he's now had his time table and it's mainly online. with few employment opportunities he could have realistically stayed home and travelled to uni for his in person study.

It feels like a racket.

I think many universities have had to go online because cases have gone up rapidly . It's not because they lied .Is he living in the hall of residence? If not what is the racket?

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

She has all of social media, zoom, Skype, Netflix Amazon etc at her fingertips, unlike most eighty years olds who had to shield for months. Facetime her every day tell her to crack on with her reading and online lessons and this too shall pass, it was almost inevitable moving into halls, surely you and she must've realised that?

I didn't realise that people would be stuck in a room by themselves. It's not happening in all universities. In the one I work at everyone is considered a household if they share a kitchen and the household would self isolate together if one person gets infected.

I think people appreciated that isolation might have to happen , they expected this to have been planned for efficiently . Some universities have managed to do this , others clearly not .

Being stuck in a room the size of a shoebox with a window which opens no more than 6 inches with no kettle or other means of making a hot drink , with limited WiFi and no post, parcels or delivery of any kind and cold meals delivered outside your door for 14 days is not what most people expected. All of the above are being reported from well ranked UK universities . This quite simply is not acceptable

2bazookas

My 70+ year old Mil moved in with us during the lockdown as she was alone - FIL was ill in hospital, then a hospice and then died. She was lonely, scared and needed company and to be with people who cared for her. We 'broke' the initial rules to visit her and then we moved her in too.

Did she also need to 'grow up' and get on with stuff on her own too?

If my 18y was feeling scared and lonely and needed to see me I would answer her. I would do what I needed to do. My 18y has been through a lot this year - 3 close family deaths, without the closure of funerals in 2 cases and not being able to see them beforehand, plus the mess up with exams results, missed birthdays and celebrations, missed university places and a rush for accommodation at the second choice, etc. If she needed me or dh we would do whatever we could to help her.

My friends son is at Newcastle and has been told if they're expecting a parcel they have to stand outside until it arrives. Not uni accom, it's a large student Laugh out loud!

Ffs LL not Laugh out loud!

I would cancel the accommodation

You can't just cancel student accommodation, best university own halls or privately owned halls. DD's contract is for 48 weeks - there is no early get out clause.

When booking it the universities were telling these 18 year olds that there'd be lots of face to face, that they needed to be there in person for, and that the universities were opening up and welcoming them in.

Had we known in advance the reality that this would all change the week they arrived then other decisions might have been made, before being tied into several thousands of pounds worth of accommodation fees to start with.

This is a horrible situation OP. I am shocked the university isn't delivering parcels to those isolating. Surely they realise that the mental health benefits of receiving post could be enormous? I really feel for all students starting this year. It's not how student life should be. For those posters who are saying students are adults and need to deal with it, this is not a normal situation. Solitary confinement is a known tool for punishment. We need to support our young people and try to imagine ourselves in their shoes.

For what it's worth, I've stuck by the rules 100% during this time and continue to do so. I feel very strongly that we need to support each other to get through this time, which might continue for longer than any of us want to contemplate.

Aragog
So you admit to breaking the rules for a scared and lonely 70+ year old lady as an average member of society.
Yet you think 18/19 year olds aren’t able to do the same.?

Unless you have a child who’s got an actual condition, why not leave it to them to figure out.
Plenty of students able to break the rules when it suits like the rest of us. Just let them get on with it. If they want to leave, tell them you’re happy to have them home. But how does it help running after them?

I think universities were caught out by the speed of the outbreaks, stupidly we thought they would be a week or two in, what we now know is that quite a few students came with the virus, spreading it into places which didn't previously have high rates, and then those student households and halls were establishing it before teaching even started...

It looks predictable now, in the way that the second wave looks predictable now, but Boris certainly didn't think one was coming when he was encouraging everyone to go back to the office and eat out to help out, literally three weeks earlier!

[quote saraclara]@Ginkypig during lockdown I was alone. But in my home, where I could move from one room to another, had plenty of space, was somewhere familiar, and could leave to go to the shops, or go for a little drive or a daily walk. OP's daughter can do none of those things.

I had to isolate for a week right at the beginning, as I had a cough. That was bad enough in my roomy house. If I'd been confined to one small, unfamiliar room, I'd have struggled enormously. And that's half the time that the OP's daughter faces.[/quote]
@saraclara Yes I know exactly what being isolated in a single room feels like as I spent 6 months in a single room in a homeless unit at 17 because I couldn't live my abusive family any longer while at the same time being in a violent controlling relationship where I was only allowed out if he was there or risk his wrath oh and also suffering my first major mental breakdown so yes I'm acutely aware.
Then I spent the next year (until I finally got out of the relationship) in a flat alone except for when he was there but still not allowed out and this time he kept the keys so I literally couldn't get out!
it's not a competition though and I am not comparing them to me.
but that's why I know that the op's daughter and the rest of these students can get through doing this for 14 days and even longer if they need to because Iv been there too and yes it's not nice but it is temporary and at least they have the technology nowadays to keep in touch and they have meals being delivered because I didn't!

What @Theterrible42s said.

Confining someone to a room is inhumane. All those saying ‘the rules the rules’ - you have more faith in the rule maker than I do! Pubs are open and merrily spreading the virus but students aren’t allowed to see family despite the mental health struggles students usually face (two of my friends attempted suicide at university and that was pre covid!). School children are forced into ‘bubbles’ of sometimes 100+ coughing all over each other with no distancing allowed inside the bubble, yet catered hall students are locked into total isolation which is usually a punishment reseved for severely misbehaving criminals. It’s an offence for 4 children and their parents to feed ducks together but it’s fine for a group of thirty men to shoot grouse together. The rules no longer make any kind of sense.

I would go and get her.

I haven’t read this whole thread but does she have the internet? If she does that will surely help significantly. And she has uni work to keep her occupied. It’s tough but maybe she can see it as a challenge. After all, she has a definite end date.

She could read books written by people who have lived in similar conditions (in terms of being isolated) during wars etc to gain some perspective. The diary of Anne Frank, for example.

So you admit to breaking the rules for a scared and lonely 70+ year old lady as an average member of society.
Yet you think 18/19 year olds aren’t able to do the same.?

Yes, we broke the rules for my MIL. Though they actually did end up changing that rule in the end.

If necessary, and I felt DD was struggling, then yes I would break the rules again for a worried and lonely 18y if she was stuck in one room with no one in a 'household' as company.

If they want to leave, tell them you’re happy to have them home. But how does it help running after them?

Well yes, that's what I would tell her. I wouldn't force her home. But if she wanted to come home I would let her come here. However I would advise her not to use public transport or to start mixing with others in her area. Instead DH would drive and get her if she needed him to (so in car, no public transport, no stops, etc) and she would be able to isolate her - in the same way she would do so if she was 6 months younger and was at school when a 'bubble' burst.

I am clinical vulnerable so I do understand the need to be careful. We would do so - carefully.

Hence DH would collect her if able and that's what she wanted. She would then be able to self isolate in her room, but be able to access her family home with me and dh being more careful around her, but not leaving her totally on her own if she was in a similar situation to the OP's DC.

I am most likely more at risk every single day when I go to work and mix, with no SDing, with almost 300 pupils, than having my own 18y dd in my home.

the unis practice no duty of care at all! If you work in any job and fail to turn up for work, they will investigate why you aren't there, but the unis simply do not care.

This is sadly true. There have been freshers who have died in their rooms and not been discovered for some time.

At Uni if you don't have friends to look out for you (and in the early days many don't yet) you're on your own. Very sad.

I think it is a racket because as someone said on another thread the universities couldn't afford for everyone to drop out and the govt don't want to/can't bail out the unis...so people were encouraged to go this term when clearly what they were sold in terms of even just teaching, can't be provided.

I would be going to get her and bring her home.

All these people saying "go and get her" that's all very well but the problem there is if EVERY parent does that you are potentially taking the virus with you and infecting more people. Not smart. What if they need the loo on the journey home? Service station I guess? Then once you are home you won't be staying in the house with your adult child you'll be going to work etc etc. Collect them after 2 weeks and look for a uni closer to home if they can't cope without their parents, but don't pick them up when they are meant to be isolating, it's very silly and short sighted!!!

But not every parent will need to do that. Not everyone has a child suffering.

If my child was suffering, I’d go. It’s not binary, if they can’t cope, drop out - they can work at home.

Your comment about not coping without their parents is very belittling, but then you know that.

I can't help thinking that herd immunity is the aim here.