Left to eat dinner on my own

[llamalana]

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

I think OP is being a martyr too.

Op shouldn't expect peoole to be mind-readers. When DH asked if she minded if they go off and get ice-creams, she was was perfectly able to say she would rather they sat with her while she ate or to ask that they got her an ice cream too.

I always find it irritating when people feel all miffed and hurt about something someone didn't do because they didn't know that's what the person wanted them to do BECAUSE THEY DIDNT SAY.

I think a lot of people play some kind of power games, at least in their minds. They test their partner of friends by seeing what they do and how they respond to situations, when they haven't expressed their desires. Somehow they expect them to know automatically what it is they want and judge negatively if they don't. Why not just say it?

I wonder if Op is always looking out for things to be critical of DH for? There is this secret silent expectation, but no vocalising of it but then judging and being silently disappointed.

You see I doubt OP ever then said to DH 'I was a bit disappointed to be left eating alone or that you didn't get me an ice cream' - instead she probably stayed silent and expected him to know by osmosis, but he didn't know. And this will be held against him into the future.

So perhaps Op is living all of this in her head and rarely saying anything. She silently made breakfast, bought the presents, took the child on a bike ride....all done without saying 'I'm doing this to enable you to.....' But just expected it to be noticed and appreciated. And then when feeling cross,Nashe was mostly silent or perhaps a bit passive aggressive about not liking being left alone, but didn't actually voice it.

The key is to say it out loud. Avoid a lack of clarity and say what you want ....and then you can feel a bit irritated if nothing remebling it happens. But if you never speak and vocalise it, you can't expect people to know and then building silent resent,nets about it and feeling hurt and expecting them to know you feel hurt and why and to make amends.....well it's just daft. But lots of people live in this silent world of expectation and resentment unfortunately. Personally I couldn't be doing with a partner who was like this....so exhausting trying to mind-read what they want and what they are feeling peeved about all the time.

Id have pulled my dp up sharpish about the cake comment and made him apologise to the kids if that had been me

I also would have said well wheres mine if they had come back without an ice cream for me and made him go back and get me one but then I'm quite vocal about shit.like that

Those 2 things alone are thoughtless

The meal thing hmm not so much.

The whole thing is bonkers.

So the DH wanted to spend time with his dcs as a birthday treat but somehow this meant that the OP wasn’t welcome. Why?

They ordered their food just for themselves but not for the OP. What was wrong with asking her what she wanted and ordered it?

Eating before the OP had her meal can be under stable but in my house it would have a discussion. As in waiting for a bit and then saying ‘would you mind if we start wo you?’. But that would have been easily avoided if the food has been ordered together anyway.

Then they went away got some ice cream but took nothing for the OP. I would say there that it depends how it was said. If it was Something like ‘We were thinking of getting some ice cream and the shop will close soon. Would you be ok to finish your meal on your own whilst we get them. What can we get you?’ I would have seen as acceptable. If it was ‘right we are going to the ice cream shop now. See you later’ this would have been rude.

The comment about the cake was basically verbally lashing out, something that people normally do when they know they are at fault.

Looking at the whole picture, it gives this feeling that the OP did all she could to make it a nice day for her DH all that to be brushed aside and not included in any of the activities of the day. Good enough to organise but not good enough to be part of the b’day party.

@llamalana, how is your DH usually? Is he that thoughtless, are things not going well in your marriage Atm?
Because that’s the sort of things my ex would have done when he just plainly didn’t want to spend time with me.

@WombatChocolate there is a lot of guessing in your post (the op stayed silent, sais this in this way, has power game in her mind...).
None of which the OP has ever hinted in her post.....

YABU. Why did you order separate food from them? Did you want all their meals to go cold because you ordered somewhere else from them and it took longer? And the time to say ‘can you get me an ice cream’ was when they told you they were getting ice creams. You made this all about you

YABVU for going to a mall to have a birthday meal. That's never going to be fun. Is everything about family friendly for you?

Your children have already started taking you for granted too - do they make the same effort for your birthday? Or are you drudge mummy who doesn't get thought about? Drudge mummies don't usually so unless you want your children growing up thinking it's all about them and mummies are of no importance and barely people you need look at that. If you want. You might like being a drudge mummy but don't be surprised when you are left sitting alone and no one thinks about you - you exist only to serve them.

Your husband needs a wake up call too. Though having a birthday meal in a mall was definitely not the move of someone who has a relationship with the husband separate to their kids.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute

It's this bit that pisses me off. He is just belittling the effort you made and being a dick ! God what a dick I would be pissed off too and YANBU !

Also next time do what all of us would do. Say can you not wait 5 damn minutes while I eat?

Then 'ok fine - get me pistachio please if not caramel'. Don't just sit there like a lump and say nothing!

The tone in which you write the OP - the careful, detailed description of every little thing you did that shows what a great partner you are - does tell its own story. It sounds a rather melodramatic response to a perfectly ordinary day.

Even the update of how you were managing to stop the eldest to not take the other ones crackling. That’s really milking it. Like it’s a big task.

I agree with other pps too, sure you did a couple of things for his birthday by it wasn’t a massive effort.

And you knew they were going for an ice cream but didn’t think to mention you wanted one.

All a bit silly really.

I think your husband was ungrateful & selfish. The whole day had been about & for him.
What does he do for your Birthday?

I don't think that bringing something back from a bakery is quite the same as bringing an ice cream to somebody who might still be eating.

As a pp has said, you could have asked them to wait or if just home for cake would be OK.

He was rude about the cake though.

@IntermittentParps

I’m enjoying the snobbery from some posters about eating in food courts

They arrive at a shopping mall fifteen minutes before closing time, order different meals from different stands at different times. OP repeatedly calls this a “celebratory meal” (presumably to enhance her martyr image) and expects them all to skip dessert (because it is closing) in favour of watching her eat. She then stomps off to the car because am 11yr old, 8yr old and 5yr old talk about how much they are enjoying their ice cream!

Honestly if a man had behaved the way OP has it would be LTB the whole thread. 🙄

They asked if you minded them going, you said no off you go. You could have said, do you mind just waiting a bit longer then we can all go together.
They probably didn't get you an ice cream because you were still eating dinner so more than likely didn't want it to melt.

You're overreacting, just put it behind you and move on.

Possibly, though admittedly have had to project...

'Aibu to be upset about my birthday....I took the day off work to spend time with my family. After breakfast there was an activity we all wanted to do, but dw decided she'd rather stay at home doing something chores. Then in the afternoon she took our youngest out whilst I stayed home with the other two. When she came back she hurriedly made a cake like it was an afterthought. Nothing had been planned for the evening meal, so we ended up eating at one of those fast food shopping malls, just before closing. Unfortunately dws meal was last to be cooked, and the ice cream shop was closing, so we had to leave her to finish whilst we rushed to get ice cream. When we came back she sat there with a face like a cats arse dragging the atmosphere down before storming off to the car in a huff. Aibu to think this wasn't the best birthday ever?'

I’m enjoying the snobbery from some posters about eating in food courts

I bloody love a food court, but it’s not a good opportunity to teach your kids about dining etiquette (waiting until everyone has their food etc)!

Florencex, I'm not sure what your post has to do with my 'snobbery' comment.

@GoldfishParade

Dont let people on here make you feel like you overreacted. Your DH behaved like a twat. You made the day great for him and he was a selfish prick. You dont need to reflect on your attitude

But she didn’t make the day great! She barely lifted a finger. Read the OP. She didn’t do anything apart from help make breakfast and accompany them to a shopping mall for a “celebratory dinner” where she then throws a tantrum because she didn’t get ice cream. She should be apologising.

The responses on the thread show very clearly how people have 2 approaches to life and relationships.

There are those who simply expect everyone to know what they want and stay silent and take silent umbrage and offense at lots of little things. They seethe inside and feel resentful but don't actually address the issue. There are also those who sympathise with them and agree that others should just know what someone else is expecting if them.

And then there are those who are more willing to communicate....who will say what they want and say if they feel upset about things and get it all into the open. These kind of people are baffled by the silent people who won't speak out what they want and why they are upset and find it all bewildering and exhausting.

Op was clearly assessing the day in her head from beginning to end. Every little detail was noted and judged. Everyone else was meant to spot the effort she was making with the cake, to note she had taken smaller child out so the board game could continue easily, to note that husband had a long lie in. She wanted to be appreciated for these things and I'd think there was growing resentment that this hadn't happened by the time of going for the meal and simply boiled over into this thread being written after the food and ice cream 'incident'.

I agree with others that the choice to go for food to a place that was closing very shortly and to choose to buy from different places was odd and never going to result in a relaxing family meal of everyone eating together and chatting and relaxing in an unhurried way. To expect to buy from various outlets and all to eat at exactly tthe same time is simply unrealistic. It was the choice of place to go which generated that problem, not really someone being thoughtless.

Perhaps Op knew it wasn't the best place to go. It might have been wise to say this instead of going along with idea as DD had come up with it. But again, that requires some communication upfront.

Most of these niggles could easily be solved by talking tho righ the day,

@Florencex she really didn't did she? I've read the original post about 4 times now, as it's very clear op is trying to make herself look like the most amazing wife however I'm actually just getting the impression that she doesn't really care for family time and when she does only if she gets her own way.

The cake comments were horrible and he owes you and especially you DC an apology for that.
The meal thing is just what happens with these places.
I suspect he didn't get you an ice cream because you made a snide comment when they went to get them but it was rude and not a good example for your DC.

Is there a back story here? Is he often selfish?

You are completely justified to be upset, he behaved poorly. He shouldn't be treating you like an afterthought, regardless of whether it's his birthday or not.

And yes OP, in my family we also share and appreciate time with one another; I feel sorry for the many people on this thread who seem accustomed to being ditched by their loved ones!

I suspect there is definitely a back story! But the question should be to the OP: Are YOU often selfish?

Totally agree with Peboh and Florence, the OP has painted herself as a saint whilst hardly doing anything for DH and removing herself from family time.

@GoldfishParade

Dont let people on here make you feel like you overreacted. Your DH behaved like a twat. You made the day great for him and he was a selfish prick. You dont need to reflect on your attitude

This is also what I would say to you OP - you spent your day making it all about him and TBH your DH sounds like a bit of an arse.

It sounds like quite a casual food set up, so I can see why they didn’t wait. A little thoughtless not to get you ice cream, but it’s as if you think they got ice cream to spite you!

I feel like you don’t feel you got the credit you deserve for organizing a nice day. Which I would like to be acknowledged, but tbh with kids around I try to swallow my ego about stuff like that.

I would just be very selfish about my own wants and desires in future - your kids and husband seem to have no problem acting in that way!

It was really rude and probably a wake up call. Your DH and your kids take you for granted - you need to start giving back the behaviour you receive. That means next time don’t get DH / any kids not with you anything when you get something nice for you and the kids. And remind them of what they did during the birthday dinner.