ADHD husband has classed me as "unexceptional"

[Garfield4321]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Like many he grew out of some of the more well-known ADHD traits but now as an adult in his early thirties he still exhibits strong ADHD characteristics such as being extremely bright, a tendency to obsess over specific hobbies or subjects of interest, impulsiveness, an inability to focus or feign curiosity in anything that he doesn't consider interesting. If I ask a relative what they've been up to and they start talking about a hobby of their own which bores DH for example, he will simply walk away from the conversation without realising how rude he is being.

DH is a quick-thinker, charismatic, confident and has excelled in his vocation, albeit he achieved quite average grades throughout school and university. He has a close-knit group of friends many of whom either share some of his characteristics or, at the very least, share the same hobby. He can talk for hours with these friends and is animated, interested and complimentary.

I, on the other hand, am your textbook under-confident over-achiever in the sense that it was ingrained in me to work hard and as a result I have an excellent academic history despite probably being of probably quite average intelligence. I'm business-minded, emotionally intelligent and have a strong aptitude for problem-solving.....but I cannot recite Homer's Odyssey backwards or code a computer.

What bothers me is that I feel DH has written me off as unexceptional and, therefore, unworthy.

Any effort made to learn a new skill such as an instrument or a language is met with scepticism and disinterest. I managed to learn an instrument to exam-level in a matter of months but despite hearing me practice daily I don't think I ever heard DH say "that sounded really good". The one thing I remember is telling him I wanted to one-day learn a piece of music by X-musician and him replying that I would never be able to play to a high enough standard.

I also participate in a very challenging sporting activity and feel demeaned and disrespected when something the equivalent of running a marathon is referred to as my "little walk".

He expresses no interest in my hobbies or passions and dismisses my job as a menial glorified-admin role.

I suppose I just feel that I'm never "special" enough to be worthy of his respect.

On the flip side he can be extremely loving, affectionate, kind and considerate. I don't doubt that he loves me and he has a number of very attractive qualities.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? Is it childish of me to want my DH to occasionally give me a big smile and a "that was brilliant" or acknowledge my successes on the rare occasion when I can do something better than he can?

How much of this just goes hand-in-hand with his ADHD diagnosis in which case surely I should just accept that I can't change anything?

I don't need to be petted on the head like a puppy. I'd just like my DH to admire me for my capabilities for once.

Can you imagine how awful it would be if he behaved like this towards your children? It would destroy every shred of their confidence and they'd spend the rest of their adult lives feeling unloved and inadequate. Would you tolerate that? No. Don't tolerate it for yourself either.

I have ADHD also but I would never treat anyone the way your H treats you, OP.

This

'I don't mean to patronise you OP.
Are you sure he is ADHD and not ASD?'

There is nothing worse than someone who acts as if they need no personal improvement throughout life because they've been diagnosed with some sort of condition. In this case the people around them, often neurotypical people, just get ignored and/or treated like shit. So much emphasis on half of the population getting diagnosed with something and not enough standards being set for everyone regardless of how it personally makes them feel.

*standards of conduct towards others (It can be taught s instruction rather than "do what's kind" if people don't understand the concept).

@Garfield4321

Ah, I see you have addressed ADHD question rather than ASC although are you aware that someone can have both? My teenager was diagnosed through separate pathways with both so has the behaviours of both ADHD and ASC

There's some amazing advice on this thread.

OP, what use is being his version of intelligent if you can't apply it in any way to succeed in life? He's probably frustrated at his inability to channel his talents productively and now he's taking it out on you. Lauding over you the things that he is proud of, (I'm not so easily impressed as you by rote learning or quick processing, without application and empathy they're practically meaningless) and putting down your strengths probably because he's jealous.

I don't know if it's a female gender thing, but I've always thought of my intelligence as average too. But I work hard and now have a doctorate and speak a foreign language that I learned as an adult. It's amazing what you can do with average...
I have tried to learn to play several instruments in my time and have incredible admiration and respect for you. Your achievements are so much more impressive than any of his that you have described. And he has spectacularly failed at emotional intelligence.

You can continue making excuses for his behaviour but if he is as smart as you say, he bloody well knows the right way to treat people. He won't have got to adulthood without being told. His "intelligence" gives him less of an excuse, not more.

Imagine what it would be like to live with someone who champions you. You're amazing, you deserve that.

OP, have you ever read Valerie Walkerdine on the differences between how boys' and girls' academic achievements are valued? I think you'd find it very interesting. For example, this: "[...] the literature on girls’ attainment is full of the idea that they achieve only through hard work or by regurgitation of facts or following rules." (Counting Girls Out: Girls & Mathematics, p.74)

...he's just saying it as he sees it in a very black & white way. He doesn't know what he's saying is rude or offensive...
Wrong. Describing any activity as "your little [marathon/competion/activity]" is belittling it. There's no other reason to add those words. A very logical person without much sensitivity to emotional nuance should be able to see that better than most people.

He sounds awful OP. Don't yearn for his praise to confirm how brilliant you are. Believe it, you bloody are.

@CatMagic

There is nothing worse than someone who acts as if they need no personal improvement throughout life because they've been diagnosed with some sort of condition. In this case the people around them, often neurotypical people, just get ignored and/or treated like shit. So much emphasis on half of the population getting diagnosed with something and not enough standards being set for everyone regardless of how it personally makes them feel.

I agree with this. The first guy I worked with in my 20s who had ASD but had learnt not to behave like your husband towards me and other people he worked with because he realised that to keep a job he needed to have social skills. Funny thing is I actually thought he had ASD a few days after starting to work with him, and then he admitted it but he worked hard all the time on his social skills. Yes he had a few incidents where his behave was not the best but a female manager would carefully steer him back on course.

Since then I worked with other adults and volunteered with children who have ASD. None of the children get away with acting like your husband does as the entire point of doing the activities I've volunteered in is to learn social skills.

I should add my own DP has ADHD with a couple of other ASD conditions. He's actually very social. He thinks it is due to him being fostered as he knows others in his biological family with ASD.

Tell him he's being rude. It's not his ADHD making him be a self centred nob. People with ADHD and autism are perfectly capable of pretending to be interested, knowing its rude to walk away while someones talking, and complimenting people even if they dont think they're that good.
Sounds like he's been raised as the genius centre of attention and he's learned that no one else matters.
Tell him every damn time he's rude.

ADHD usually goes hand in hand with a lack of empathy and being able to view things through another’s eyes

Where did you hear that tosh. There seems to be an awful lot of misunderstanding about ADHD on this thread.

It’s got nothing to do with intelligence either.

OP like pp said it’s an issue with your DH as a person and nothing to do with ADHD.

Thankyou for your insight. I do genuinely want the best for people in general.. But it does get tiresome to have to excuse bad behaviour constantly in the adult world. I do not mean introverts, she, awkward people - nothing wrong with not wanting to be centre of attention and going deep into ones own thoughts. It's the destructive stuff. I guess I've been at the receiving end too much and have lost patience.

I have both autism and ADHD and I'd NEVER treat my DP like that. EVER. His comments are out of line and he needs to know that belittling your achievements is LTB worthy.

Also, I'm sick of reading that people with ASD or ADHD lack empathy. It's definitely there. We may have to learn how to express it in the way that neurotypicals expect and understand but it's there.

CatMagic, I understand that constantly having to excuse bad behaviour in adults is wearing. I'm in the same position with a close relative but gritting my teeth at the moment.

He's a a narcissistic arsehole and you deserve love have a read of Lundy Bancrofts why does he do that see if it rings any bells

And who made him (dh) king of the world what's to say he's not an ignorant arsehole surrounded by sycophants I bet he doesn't like being challenged by anyone

Hi OP, sorry your dh is behaving like you're not as good or intelligent, it certainly sounds like you are! ADHD does not have any link to intelligence, so he is not intelligent because he has ADHD.
Psychiatrists/psychologist came up with the various psychological diagnosis to put people with the same symptoms in to "boxes" and so they could come up with effective treatments. That doesnt mean that al people with ADHD behaves the same and also doesnt mean that you cant have another diagnosis.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is more to do with not being able to focus as well or as long as "the norm", that can often lead to people with adhd struggling in school which another person has mentioned. Also getting very in to a new interest/task but not able to follow through or finish it.

I also want to point out that a person's diagnosis does not excuse certain behaviour, many "hide" behind a diagnosis and use it as excuse. Many is also very aware of their diagnosis (or rather how they function) can make them behave in certain ways and are very aware of themselves so they dont behave in certain ways. Most psychological disorders are not an excuse to behave rude (except more serious asd, and personality disorders like ASPD)

*disclaimer I no longer work in mental health so not up to date on latest research/treatments/and diagnosis

Just look him straight in the eye and say...
I hope you don't try and mansplane to others, as people won't think highly of you if you do.

@medusawashere

Also, I'm sick of reading that people with ASD or ADHD lack empathy. It's definitely there. We may have to learn how to express it in the way that neurotypicals expect and understand but it's there.

CatMagic, I understand that constantly having to excuse bad behaviour in adults is wearing. I'm in the same position with a close relative but gritting my teeth at the moment.

I have two close family members with ASD who definitely do lack empathy. One of them is my own mother and her lack of empathy has had a real impact on me in many ways over the years. As an adult I understand she can't help it, and I can see she loves and cares for me. That wasn't always so obvious to me as a child.

I think empathy isn't just one thing. I think you can be kind and caring and appreciate how another person might feel, intellectually, while still lacking an instinctive empathetic response in some real life situations. It's complicated.

And, of course, if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. It manifests in different ways in different people.

You might be very empathetic, but it doesn't mean other autistic (or NT) people are.

He’s chipping away at your self esteem and it doesn’t matter how you want to label it, the upshot is the same. He is not championing you, he is not at your shoulder. There is better out there for you. Go find it!

He reminds me of the naughty boys at school, Being mean to the smart clever girls. When he demeaned you’re sports achievement, calling it a “little walk” what was your response? He knew damn well it was a big deal, he was belittling you, call him out on it.

Get him off that pedestal, he will ruin your confidence and that of your future DC...

OP, never mind him, let's talk about you. You describe yourself as an over-achiever who did well academically. I've met a few of those. They typically attach their self-esteem to external recognition of their achievements.

(They often judge other people, competitively, accordingly, as if nothing 'inside', that can't be measured and assessed, counts. I suspect they've often lost 'themselves' and any confidence in their inner selves, in their devotion to academic study as teenagers, so experience stunted or delayed personal development. Sometimes broadening their interests and blossoming in later adulthood, sometimes sticking to a rigidly competitive career path and caring a lot about status).

Is relying upon others' recognition for your self-esteem something something you do?

Might that be part of the problem here? You don't believe your own interests and achievements are of value, unless someone else tells you that they are? You're reliant upon your husband for this validation and he isn't providing that.

Worse, he's actively putting you down (e.g. your 'little' whatever, which is a deliberate put-down, intended to belittle you, not a consequence of black and white thinking).

Is that why you aren't responding in kind, or pulling him up sharply on his nastiness and rudeness?

The other side of the over-achiever mindset, is of course that you place too much value on the externally recognised achievements of others.

If any of this rings true, stop validating him, when he won't validate you. Then stop depending upon him for your validation and your self-esteem. Recognise and congratulate yourself. Pursue your musical learning because you enjoy playing and get a buzz out of it - and playing at a higher standard will increase that buzz and give you more opportunities to play with others, for enjoyment - not because anyone's going to applaud when you get your next grade certificate, or play a tricky piece.

And start pulling him up on being an arse, when he is plainly and deliberately being a selfish, sexist arse.

A question I think you should ask is; do you agree with your husband that moral value is attached to exceptional natural ability, to the extent that only the most exceptional people (through genetic luck) have moral value?

If not, tell him so.

It's a pretty fundamental moral and political difference.

Do you feel
1)respected and
2) supported

I think both are necessary in a partnership. Feeling loved isn't enough.