ADHD husband has classed me as "unexceptional"

[Garfield4321]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Like many he grew out of some of the more well-known ADHD traits but now as an adult in his early thirties he still exhibits strong ADHD characteristics such as being extremely bright, a tendency to obsess over specific hobbies or subjects of interest, impulsiveness, an inability to focus or feign curiosity in anything that he doesn't consider interesting. If I ask a relative what they've been up to and they start talking about a hobby of their own which bores DH for example, he will simply walk away from the conversation without realising how rude he is being.

DH is a quick-thinker, charismatic, confident and has excelled in his vocation, albeit he achieved quite average grades throughout school and university. He has a close-knit group of friends many of whom either share some of his characteristics or, at the very least, share the same hobby. He can talk for hours with these friends and is animated, interested and complimentary.

I, on the other hand, am your textbook under-confident over-achiever in the sense that it was ingrained in me to work hard and as a result I have an excellent academic history despite probably being of probably quite average intelligence. I'm business-minded, emotionally intelligent and have a strong aptitude for problem-solving.....but I cannot recite Homer's Odyssey backwards or code a computer.

What bothers me is that I feel DH has written me off as unexceptional and, therefore, unworthy.

Any effort made to learn a new skill such as an instrument or a language is met with scepticism and disinterest. I managed to learn an instrument to exam-level in a matter of months but despite hearing me practice daily I don't think I ever heard DH say "that sounded really good". The one thing I remember is telling him I wanted to one-day learn a piece of music by X-musician and him replying that I would never be able to play to a high enough standard.

I also participate in a very challenging sporting activity and feel demeaned and disrespected when something the equivalent of running a marathon is referred to as my "little walk".

He expresses no interest in my hobbies or passions and dismisses my job as a menial glorified-admin role.

I suppose I just feel that I'm never "special" enough to be worthy of his respect.

On the flip side he can be extremely loving, affectionate, kind and considerate. I don't doubt that he loves me and he has a number of very attractive qualities.

Do I have unrealistic expectations? Is it childish of me to want my DH to occasionally give me a big smile and a "that was brilliant" or acknowledge my successes on the rare occasion when I can do something better than he can?

How much of this just goes hand-in-hand with his ADHD diagnosis in which case surely I should just accept that I can't change anything?

I don't need to be petted on the head like a puppy. I'd just like my DH to admire me for my capabilities for once.

Whether he has ADHD or he is an arse it doesn’t matter. Does he makes you happy? That’s the most important thing. Having did that... there comes a time in bad relationships when you get so used to trying to find the positive snippets in al the crap, that you don’t realise how bad the situation was until a year or two on your own.

My adult son has ADHD, not as badly as when he was a child but you describe his traits so well OP. I am afraid my son is thoughtless and selfish sometimes but is oblivious of it until it is pointed out to him, then he tries to put it right. I think your DH is oblivious to how his offhand comments might be hurtful to you. It is most likely not come across as it is meant. Try to remember it is an illness and he does not choose to have it. With my son when I go to extra trouble to make his favourite meal and he eats it quickly and rushes out without acknowledging it even I take a deep breath and remember he is affectionate and will help me if I ask, he just would never think of offering if I did not ask. It is just part of him. I don't think he can help it. I worry my son won't find anyone who can love him in spite of his issues.

@RattleOfBars That sounds more like a stereotype/claim about ASD to me rather than ADHD. With ADHD it's more like we're tactless because the wrong thing comes out of our mouth. Then half the time I'm like 'oh shit, why the fuck did I say that?'

With my son when I go to extra trouble to make his favourite meal and he eats it quickly and rushes out without acknowledging it even I take a deep breath and remember he is affectionate and will help me if I ask, he just would never think of offering if I did not ask. It is just part of him. I don't think he can help it. I worry my son won't find anyone who can love him in spite of his issues.

@caringcarer I know it's difficult when it's an adult son, and you maybe don't want to dent his confidence, but by taking a deep breath and biting your tongue you aren't doing him any favours. If he forgets something, remind him. He can't help finding things a bit more difficult than other people, but he can develop strategies to deal with it, learn etc.

ADHD does not go with a lack of empathy. My teenaged son who does have ADHD gets annoyed that many people, who may or may not have ADHD, use it as an excuse for obnoxious behaviour. These are usually people who have never previously supported or publicly identified with the ADHD community. Having ADHD does not make people very intelligent. There's a bell shaped curve for intelligence. ADHD may make people struggle academically or excel depending on their ability to focus and their interest in the subject. So take a tip from my teenage son - it's not the ADHD that is responsible for your husband's bad behaviour.

My tween son has diagnosed ADHD and it seems likely DH does, they aren't perfect but they aren't self absorbed arses who put others down either.
I have to agree that this isn't about the ADHD.

I agree though with the poster who said not correcting a young person's behaviour is not doing them any favours. My son is described as "very polite" because he was taught that from an early age. Almost anybody can be taught to say thank you for a favourite dinner.

This sounds all too familiar to me, OP. My XH was similar.

You may love him now, or tell yourself you do, but if his destructive behaviour continues you will come to dislike him. Even worse, you will probably internalise his thinly-disguised contempt, and then you'll really have a problem.

ADHD is not a social death sentence. It's tough on small kids, but adults can actively choose methods and therapies for easing the problems it can cause. (See Additude for some kindly info.) Sounds like your DH's behaviour is more about misogyny and about the sadistic pleasure of tearing a good woman down.

If you were my friend IRL, I'd be trumpeting your awesomeness far and wide. I bet your friends already do! What do they say?

Hi OP, my husband also has ADHD (also diagnosed as a child).

It has definitely affected our marriage in that when his ADHD was less well-managed, he could be extremely disorganised / forgetful generally (or downright oblivious when in a state of hyperfocus on something he was excited about). This made sharing the load of managing the household difficult. Impulsivity can be hard, too, when you share finances.

Also, when he is hyperfocused on something for days at a time - and this part can sometimes still happen -- it's like everything else blurs in comparison. This can include me and my needs and feelings - so if I didn't spell out very clearly something I needed, he wouldn't pick up on it the way he otherwise would. This can leave me feeling hurt.

However, while the lack of focus on me at these times can feel insensitive, he would never ever put me down because he doesn't have a lack of empathy or an inability to read social cues (I wonder if this is why PPs are asking about ASD). So he might go two days so obsessed with some latest research or something and be extra forgetful or oblivious. But if during those days I sat him down, looked him in the eye and said, "Hey, this happened in my hobby and I'm really excited", he might be soon distracted from it after, but there would be no reason for him to say something to put me down. He has no problem reading others' emotions or understanding social cues.

Also, these times are maybe once every few months, certainly not day to day, but this is because his ADHD is well managed.

To put it in another context, if a relative of mine was telling him about something he wasn't interested in, he would probably have to make an effort to focus. He might seem a bit restless. Or might quite impulsively say, "I'm going to grab a drink - anyone want one?" But he would not just walk away because he would know it would be rude. I suppose it's within the realms of possibility that he might be so hyperfocused he wouldn't notice he'd been offensive - but that would seem quite severe and unlikely to happen at all times and in all moods. (Whereas with my several family members who have ASD, this behaviour is more normal for day to day, although not due to hyperfocus.)

Just wanted to share my experience to give a comparison. Some of what you say would seem to go along with traits I don't necessarily associate with ADHD. However, I am not a doctor and the disorder affects people in a wide range of ways!

I come from a family full of ASD/ADHD. My ex has both (I just thought he was a complete dick, but now I realise why he behaves as he does). My kids are dx ASD & I am dx ADHD, but on list to be assessed for ASD too. I agree with the PP who have said it sounds more ASD than ADHD. He could have both, it's very common, but what you describe is almost textbook ASD. He's not deliberately being a dick, he's just saying it as he sees it in a very black & white way. He doesn't know what he's saying is rude or offensive because nobody ever taught him that & if it was mentioned he probably forgot lol. Read up on ASD & I can guarantee you'll have a huge lightbulb moment. The thing is, are you prepared to accept him as he is or not?

Regardless of his diagnosis, he doesn’t sound as if he’s making you happy, I’d tell him that you find his attitude upsetting and if he doesn’t make more of an effort to consider your feelings, you’d be better off without him.

Harsh, but do you really want decades more of this? If you decide to have children, do you want him to treat them the same way?

He sounds autistic. I am and some of what you said sounds like things my DH says about me. It isn't intentional, I just don't know social cues very well and struggle socially.
ADHD and autism can be interlinked and have some cross over traits

You don't have to make allowances for him if he makes you miserable. You don't even have to do a balancing act - 'yes he makes me miserable but he has some good qualities' isn't a happy relationship. It's not the normal give and take, the normal ups and downs of a good relationship. This isn't 'small things' that you shouldn't sweat, to paraphrase the title of a book ('Don't Sweat the Small Things in Love').

It's one thing to not be interested in someone else's hobbies or work and it's another thing entirely to smack someone else down verbally as your H does. There is a difference between having ADHD and being an abusive arsehole.

He may well have ADHD, but ADHD and a tendency to verbally/emotionally abuse a partner don't necessarily go together.

From your posts, it seems to me that he is choosing his behaviour and he fully knows what he is doing to you. Lack of empathy doesn't cause someone to go out of their way to respond in a cutting way to their spouse. That is something else - it's intentional abuse.

He is extremely well-read in history, latin etc. The type of person who can pull obscure quotes out of his sleeve and recite paragraphs from famous literature.
He's a boring blowhard, in other words.

Don't be taken in by this veneer of 'cleverness'. It's the stock in trade of the man who seeks to make others feel small. Deep down he is probably jealous of you.

behavenet.com/diagnostic-criteria-30181-narcissistic-personality-disorder

If you have a habit of damaging your partner's self esteem, sucking the joy out of her life and disparaging her work then you may as well be a narcissist. Not all people with ADHD behave the way your H does, but pretty much all narcissists do.

Hi OP, my step son sounds similar and has Autistic Spectrum Disorder not ADHD. He is learning how to relate to others in a way to thrive in the social world eg learning about the need for certain responses to mimic empathy that he so far has never felt, learning how to interpret and respond to other social cues etc in order to not be a dick because he does not want to upset others even though he often has no idea why others are upset by his extreme bluntness (as an example).

I think your husband has no desire, whatever his diagnosis, to learn how to respond in a way that preserves and nurtures your bond, or to empower you and support you in life as a true romantic partner and teammate. If he is quite happy as he is, leave him. It won't change!

Just coming on here to say while my DH has no diagnosis, DD has ADHD with ASS elements, DH in my opinion has the same and DH is exactly like this. It’s very hard on your self-esteem. DD isn’t but I’ve pretty much forced her to view empathy as a mental exercise from day 1. It’s never come naturally to her. DH says he loves me and can be loving by my God, his selfishness sometimes can take your breath away. And yet weirdly it’s not malicious, just completely oblivious...

Sorry - ASD not ASS!

You do sound exceptional whereas he sounds like a knob.

My son has ADHD. It's not the ADHD. Your husband is just a knob.

You sound brilliant op.

OP, YANBU and he is being passively nasty. He sees himself as special and does not value your (significant) positive characteristics. Being able to spout literary quotes is actually not that hard - you need only remember a few things that can be used in multiple situations. Having the discipline to learn a new instrument as an adult is something else, and speaks of tenacity as well as intellect. It sounds to me that you perhaps undervalue yourself and don't demand that he recognises you as an equal.

Start demanding this. He'll behave as badly in this regard as you allow.

You sound desperate for his approval and keep trying to prove you are ‘exceptional’. Does this stem from your childhood when you have worked so hard at things? As others have said he could be just a knob but you need to relax, stop trying so hard and be more confident in yourself and your achievements and also continue pursue your passions. It would be nice but you don’t need validation from him !!! I also think ADHD or not you should be able to sit down with him and let him know how his dismissive attitude makes you feel xx

You won’t change him so I’m not sure what you want. I assume he was like this before you got married, so why marry him ? I’m not sure if it’s his diagnosis or his personality, but you either stick with it or get out.

You sound too good for him.

Classic unappreciated and undervalued situation. I imagine he feels you are more qualified and more intelligent than he is, so he downplays your achievements. This is not good for you, and as a result you have lost your confidence. He is downright rude walking away from people he finds boring! I am sure people do not find him 'charming' in the same way you do.

I am not sure I would stay to be honest.

Op I can pull obscure quotes out my bum, sometimes in Greek. That’s no more impressive than being able to quote what happened in every episode of the Kardashians! Memory and subject matter.

Learning music is very different and to me might as well be sprouting wings and flying. I have dedicated at least 100 hours to learning to play music. I am not good at all and every step takes every bit of my concentration. To me people who can play fluently and with feeling are performing magic.

My very dear friend has ADHD and have never behaved how you described. I can tell when he is bored witless with what I’m saying because he asks thousands of questions to find something to interest him. And he always gets there.

You seem to think your husband is better than you, he’s not.

Hi OP, this is slightly tangential but do you get validation for your accomplishments anywhere else? It's often mentioned about living with ASD partners that you can look elsewhere for certain needs - emotional support.

I was just wondering if your hobbies are rather solo so that you miss even more than most the feedback from your husband, if there are no fellow musicians/runners for you to get it from?

Not that you shouldn't also be able to expect support from him. Just wondering if it made it more acute.