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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SD has coronavirus symptoms but not isolating

112 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:25

My SD15 has all the typical symptoms of coronavirus which developed on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen her since the weekend before. We have EOW contact and usually the odd night for tea after school.
Last week just coincidentally we didn’t have my SCs over in the week due to them ha bunch other things planned (the arrangements are pretty flexible due to them being older kids).

She had a test on Monday - not a proper NHS testing centre, apparently her mum knows someone who works at a care home who did one for her

Well the results aren’t back yet and DP and I are concerned about having her here without knowing if she’s contagious or not.
I have 2 young DC of my own and help care for my elderly gran so we don’t want to take the risk.

DP is also a key worker and only 2 weeks into a new job so he can’t really risk potentially exposing himself that closely to the virus.

We’ve spoken to DP’s ex about it and said if SD’s results come back negative either today or tomorrow then we’ll carry on with contact as normal, or if they come in on Saturday we’ll pick her up and keep her Saturday and Sunday.
If they’re not back by the weekend then we can postpone the contact and then have the girls 3 weekends in a row so it doesn’t mess up the contact schedule going forward and mum still gets a break and we get to still spend time with them.

DP’s Ex has hit the roof. She’s screaming down the phone saying she has plans etc.
She shouldn’t really be going out anyway if her DD is displaying all of the symptoms?

What’s worse is we’ve just found out she’s sent SD into school today and when DP said she should be isolating she said “it’s only a bloody cold”... but it was serious enough for her to get SD tested?

Just a side note, DP’s Ex doesn’t work so I can’t even sympathise and think perhaps she’s worried about childcare and has had to send her DDs to school. She could easily just stay at home for 2 weeks with the kids.

She doesn’t seem to care that she’s potential putting other people at risk so I don’t trust her to tell us the truth about SD’s results anyway. DP has asked for a copy of the email or letter showing a negative result but I doubt we’ll see one.

I’m not sure what to do here... it’s my sons birthday this weekend too (not SD’s brother, they’re step-siblings) and my gran and my mum were going to pop over to see him which again can’t happen if SD has coronavirus.

I’m not sure what my AIBU is to be honest... but any advice on how to handle a high conflict ex who is flouting safety rules?
I’m tempted to report her as she’s putting so many others at risk.

OP posts:

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/10/2020 09:31

Do that then.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:32

@tobedtoMNandfart do what? Ask for a negative result before having SD over?

OP posts:

VainAbigail · 01/10/2020 09:34

Do it.

LakieLady · 01/10/2020 09:35

The ex will have to cancel her plans if the SD is Covid+, won't she? The whole household will have to self-isolate. Maybe remind her of the possible £1,000 fine for breaching guidelines. That should focus the selfish fucker's mind.

It's partly because of twattish attitudes like hers that restrictions are being tightened.

It's unlikely that the girl has Covid, because teens don't usually show symptoms, but until they know for sure, they shouldn't be putting other people at risk.

I wouldn't be having her at my house until I'd seen confirmation that she hadn't got it. Better that than having to isolate the whole family.

Frazzled2207 · 01/10/2020 09:36

Yanbu. I don't think you can report her tbh unless she has specifically been told by Test and Trace to self isolate which it doesn't sound like she has. And if she has 'plans' well tough they're going to have to be cancelled/postponed either until there is a negative test or until 2 weeks have passed.

Very tricky situation. Does the SD understand that it's not exactly that she's 'not welcome'. That would be my first priority and it sounds like you can easily make it up to her.

However I do think it should be your DP handling this not you! I think he needs to stand firm (does he have a backbone?)

lljkk · 01/10/2020 09:41

Your DP needs to handle this prioritising his workplace responsibilities.

RightYesButNo · 01/10/2020 09:50

I think people are saying “do it” or “do that then” in response to your very last sentence which is, “I’m tempted to report her... etc.”

I don’t know what to advise you. I definitely would not have SD over when it could: infect your small DCs and gran, possibly infect your DH and cost him his job if he’s only had it two weeks, and who knows what else. And you’re in a hell of a situation because the ex may lie about the result and you don’t know if the test was performed correctly if it wasn’t done in a testing centre (I hate to say this but those tests have to be done really unpleasantly, like practically stuck all the way up to your sinuses in your nose or down to your tonsils in your throat - you sort of need a health care provider who is used to “hurting” people for the greater good, if you know what I mean? I worry about people doing the tests at home because I just don’t think I could shove the test as far up my nose as the test centre nurses do; you’re programmed not to do that to yourself!) But do you have a way to communicate with SD directly, like texting? So maybe her dad could reassure her that she is wanted, and it’s just the risk of COVID that is messing up contact. I’m sure if the ex is already being awful, that who knows what she’s telling SD re: contact.

I would probably put off contact until either SD is asymptomatic or 14 days have passed.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:52

It's unlikely that the girl has Covid, because teens don't usually show symptoms, but until they know for sure, they shouldn't be putting other people at risk
Several of SD’s friends have had it so I’m not so sure. But I think we’re being sensible to say keep to one household until we know for sure.
We can make up for the lost time next weekend too so it’s not like her DM or my SDs will be missing out.
We’d be sad to not see them for 2 weeks but these are exceptional circumstances

OP posts:

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:55

To be clear it isn’t me handling this, it’s DP. I have no contact with his ex but the decisions about what goes on in our home are made jointly as they affect me and my DCs too (and wider family)

OP posts:

FjordFiestas · 01/10/2020 10:01

I'm torn here. YANBU to think that DSD shouldn't be at school - she absolutely should NOT be at school. YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 10:06

I’d personally refuse to have her for 14 days and then make up the contact time after.

Put your foot down and just say no.

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 10:07

You can’t trust what the ex says as she will lie.

Thehop · 01/10/2020 10:10

Your partners ex is very unreasonable and incredibly selfish

Report

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 10:10

@FjordFiestas

Not if she's positive for Covid she shouldn't. What's the point in spreading it between two households!

NameChange84 · 01/10/2020 10:11

Report her to the school and refuse to have her.

To a pp, yes I would isolate from other family members if I had symptoms, absolutely. OP is a carer for her vulnerable grandmother and her husband is a key worker.

Make up the time later OP. It makes no sense to mix households with someone exhibiting Covid symptoms who hasn’t yet tested negative. As for the ex, we ALL have plans that have went amiss due to the pandemic. She needs to grow the fuck up and not be so selfish.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:12

I definitely wouldn't have her over until you know it's negative. Does she have a phone and would she be honest with you if you asked her directly?

GabsAlot · 01/10/2020 10:16

no fjord they cant move between houses when they have symptoms that was during lockdown they could see other parents

definitely dont have her this weekend its tough on her mother not your fault shes not taking this seriously

FjordFiestas · 01/10/2020 10:17

@GoldieBearRight If they're sharing custody then the child LIVES in two different households. Would you think it's reasonable for the mother to kick her out and say she should live with OP for two weeks? Why not? Both parents have responsibility here. She developed the symptoms at OP's house so it's beyond hypocritical that OP is happy for DSD to travel from her house back to her mother's house but not happy to travel the other way.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:21

YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...

When the children only live in one household they have no choice but to expose the people there because it will have already happened before symptoms emerge, and they have nowhere else to go. They are still advised to isolate from the other household members as much as they possibly can.

Why on Earth would you move them and needlessly expose two different households? She is currently "isolating" as much as she can from one half of her family, as she has the option in being in only one of the two houses.

If OP had Covid and hadn't yet exposed her DSD, would you suggest she comes for contact as normal?

Some people have really taken the "kids can move between households" thing and ran with it against all common sense. Even the government advised to use your common sense to determine whether it's a good idea.

Neron · 01/10/2020 10:22

Just say you'll (or your DH) will discuss it again once the results are known. There is a chance the test could be negative, so yes you could report her, but most likely cause a lot of ramifications if it was unfounded.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:23

@FjordFiestas

She specifically said that she hadn't seen her DSD since the weekend before she developed symtoms. She didn't develop them at OPs house.

NameChange84 · 01/10/2020 10:24

This

She developed the symptoms at OP's house so it's beyond hypocritical that OP is happy for DSD to travel from her house back to her mother's house but not happy to travel the other way.

No she didn’t.

From the OP.

FjordFiestas · 01/10/2020 10:26

@NameChange84

This

She developed the symptoms at OP's house so it's beyond hypocritical that OP is happy for DSD to travel from her house back to her mother's house but not happy to travel the other way.

No she didn’t.

From the OP.

I assumed "in the week" meant "in the week" not "at the weekend". Given that "in the week" usually means "in the week" not "at the weekend".

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 10:27

Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...

You are wrong here, the advice is for them to stay put in one household if they are displaying symptoms.
And yes I would isolate from my own family if I thought I had it and they hadn’t already been exposed. The nhs advice is even saying couples should try and sleep separately if one of them has symptoms.

If we’d had SD here last week and unknowingly already been exposed then we’d carry on as normal with contact as the damage would have effectively been done. But because we haven’t been around her (fluke of circumstances) then why would I knowingly put my own children and myself at risk? DP’s ex’s plans to go to the pub with her friends do not trump my right to protect my kids from unnecessary exposure.

As I said earlier, we’ll happily have her here if her results come back negative and we’ll happily have her the next few weekends in a row if the girls want to come and their mum wants a break.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 10:30

If they're sharing custody then the child LIVES in two different households. Would you think it's reasonable for the mother to kick her out and say she should live with OP for two weeks

If my SD’s DM had developed symptoms without having already exposed the girls to it then of course we would say they should stay with us until she’d been tested or had isolated for 14 days.
Or if my SDs were with us and one of our household got symptoms we would suggest they stay with us rather than unnecessarily expose the virus to their mum’s household.
It’s called common sense

OP posts:

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