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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SD has coronavirus symptoms but not isolating

112 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:25

My SD15 has all the typical symptoms of coronavirus which developed on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen her since the weekend before. We have EOW contact and usually the odd night for tea after school.
Last week just coincidentally we didn’t have my SCs over in the week due to them ha bunch other things planned (the arrangements are pretty flexible due to them being older kids).

She had a test on Monday - not a proper NHS testing centre, apparently her mum knows someone who works at a care home who did one for her Hmm

Well the results aren’t back yet and DP and I are concerned about having her here without knowing if she’s contagious or not.
I have 2 young DC of my own and help care for my elderly gran so we don’t want to take the risk.

DP is also a key worker and only 2 weeks into a new job so he can’t really risk potentially exposing himself that closely to the virus.

We’ve spoken to DP’s ex about it and said if SD’s results come back negative either today or tomorrow then we’ll carry on with contact as normal, or if they come in on Saturday we’ll pick her up and keep her Saturday and Sunday.
If they’re not back by the weekend then we can postpone the contact and then have the girls 3 weekends in a row so it doesn’t mess up the contact schedule going forward and mum still gets a break and we get to still spend time with them.

DP’s Ex has hit the roof. She’s screaming down the phone saying she has plans etc.
She shouldn’t really be going out anyway if her DD is displaying all of the symptoms?

What’s worse is we’ve just found out she’s sent SD into school today and when DP said she should be isolating she said “it’s only a bloody cold”... but it was serious enough for her to get SD tested?

Just a side note, DP’s Ex doesn’t work so I can’t even sympathise and think perhaps she’s worried about childcare and has had to send her DDs to school. She could easily just stay at home for 2 weeks with the kids.

She doesn’t seem to care that she’s potential putting other people at risk so I don’t trust her to tell us the truth about SD’s results anyway. DP has asked for a copy of the email or letter showing a negative result but I doubt we’ll see one.

I’m not sure what to do here... it’s my sons birthday this weekend too (not SD’s brother, they’re step-siblings) and my gran and my mum were going to pop over to see him which again can’t happen if SD has coronavirus.

I’m not sure what my AIBU is to be honest... but any advice on how to handle a high conflict ex who is flouting safety rules?
I’m tempted to report her as she’s putting so many others at risk.

OP posts:
JacobReesMogadishu · 01/10/2020 10:32

How can a friend who works in a care home have done a test for her? It all sounds a bit dodgy, are you sure she's telling you the truth?

NameChange84 · 01/10/2020 10:33

I assumed "in the week" meant "in the week" not "at the weekend". Given that "in the week" usually means "in the week" not "at the weekend".

What has that got to do with anything?!

She developed symptoms on a Sunday.

They hadn’t seen her since the weekend before.

She had made other plans for in the week so they hadn’t seen her in the week.

Flowerpot345 · 01/10/2020 10:34

Yanbu at all OP.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/10/2020 10:34

@FjordFiestas

I'm torn here. YANBU to think that DSD shouldn't be at school - she absolutely should NOT be at school. YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...
I agree with this. Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid. Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?
aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:36

@FjordFiestas

OP said

My SD15 has all the typical symptoms of coronavirus which developed on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen her since the weekend before.

It's ok to admit you misread.

funinthesun19 · 01/10/2020 10:37

If she’s displaying symptoms then common sense needs to be used.

It’s quite simple really.

If she’s not displaying symptoms, or hasn’t been around someone displaying symptoms. Great, carry on with contact.

But if she’s got symptoms or has been around someone who has them, then she needs to stay put at her mum’s. Like I said, common sense. But of course when it comes to stepchildren people go a bit weird.

The mum has plans? Oh well she’ll have to cancel them if someone on her household is displaying symptoms.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/10/2020 10:38

I agree with this. Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid. Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?

So you really think someone who has Covid symptoms should move between houses? Did you miss the part where OP cares for her elderly gran and her DP is a keyworker in a new job?

It's attitudes like this that mean it will keep spreading and the rest of us will have to put up with tighter restrictions.

OP, YANBU!

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 10:39

@FjordFiestas You’ve clearly misunderstood my post.
Last weekend was not our weekend to have my SDs. We usually see them once or twice on week nights for dinner, however last week we didn’t see them at all as both SDs had plans.
We haven’t seen either SD since our last contact weekend (through their own choice) which was 20th September.
We haven’t seen them this week as SD15 developed coronavirus symptoms on Sunday 27th.
Therefore if we postpone access to next weekend instead (in the absence of a negative test result) then our household will not have been exposed to the virus via SD if it comes back positive.

OP posts:
ProudAuntie76 · 01/10/2020 10:40

I agree with this. Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid. Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?

Where is the common sense in this?

Why should it spread to another household? Why should the father be put in the position to either lose his new job of two weeks as a key worker or potentially infect his colleagues and patients/clients? Why should the children and the OP in this totally separate household become infected and lose time off school and work? Why should the OP put her grandmother who is dependant on her at risk?

Why not contain it to one household with a parent who doesn’t work so didn’t need to take time off?

There’s no shirking of responsibilities. They’ve said they’ll have the step children for three consecutive weeks as soon as it’s confirmed they are negative.

Why infect two households when there is no need?

funinthesun19 · 01/10/2020 10:40

Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?

Their main home I bet. Their only home. The op’s home.

The sd needs to stay where she’s had most contact because if she’s got the virus then that is the household that will be affected. It makes no sense to go an infect another one.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:42

Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid

Yes, let's spread the virus unnecessarily despite being in a perfectly good place to isolate, in order to point score about "parental responsibility" 🙄

Once her dad gets it without realising, takes it to work, gives it to a colleague who takes it home to their vulnerable relative who dies, I'm sure their family will be very glad he didn't slightly delay seeing his daughter who had symptoms.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/10/2020 10:44

I would report to school

funinthesun19 · 01/10/2020 10:46

Yes, let's spread the virus unnecessarily despite being in a perfectly good place to isolate, in order to point score about "parental responsibility" 🙄

Like I said, people go a bit weird when it comes to the subject of stepchildren.

It’s ok, the op just has an elderly relative living with her who may die if she catches it. It’s clearly more important to focus on a 15 year old’s feelings, who will get over not seeing her dad for a few weeks due to the current situation.

Bonkers.

Mindymomo · 01/10/2020 10:50

Regarding your childs party, does that go over the rule of 6 if you have all those people coming to your house.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 10:50

Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid
He’s not ducking out of his parental responsibilities and I’ve stated several times we can have them every weekend under normal circumstances.
We’ve had my SDs through every illness, chicken pox, flu, even d&v! But this is not an ordinary illness, it has the potential to be deadly.
Would you expose your own children or yourself unnecessarily to a potentially deadly virus? Just for the sake of changing plans for the next couple of days?
Also it would mean also potentially exposing my DC’s classmates and DP’s and my work colleagues... all to facilitate a night in the pub for his ex.
If her result came back positive then both DP and I would have to isolate. Meaning we would lose a weeks pay each as we are only entitled to 1 weeks sick pay due to us both having been in our current roles less than 2 years.
And my DCs would also have to miss 2 weeks of school... and could potentially suffer the same horrible symptoms SD has had.

But yes, of course... let’s blindly stick to a usually flexible contact schedule to appease DP’s Ex and unnecessarily potentially spread a virus between 2 households. Seems logical Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 10:52

Regarding your childs party, does that go over the rule of 6 if you have all those people coming to your house
Who said anything about a party?!! I said my mum and my gran would like to see DS on his birthday.
There will not be more than 6 people in my house at any time.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 01/10/2020 10:52

If she has symptoms, sdd stays in one household until the test results are confirmed. And she stays there for two weeks if the test comes back positive.

Uanbu. If she comes to your house, you, your dp & children will have to isolate, miss work, school etc. The ex is an irresponsible fool.

AutumnSuns · 01/10/2020 10:53

Symptomatic she still has to isolate if her results are negative.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/10/2020 11:00

Personally I'd be making sure she had a legitimate and proper test (and not this "not a proper NHS testing centre, apparently her mum knows someone who works at a care home who did one for her", I'd be telling the school and I'd not be having her until she can produce a legitimate negative test.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 11:02

Thanks @funinthesun19 @aSofaNearYou @ProudAuntie76 and @YetAnotherSpartacus for your replies. I honestly think we’re doing the right thing for the greater good also

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/10/2020 11:03

Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid

This attitude keeps covid spreading.

If the OP's partner had his DD when she started developing symptoms, they should keep her with them. As she developed while at her mother's she should stay there. Until a negative test, or for the necessary time.

This dad is being responsible.
Unlike the mother who has plans regardless. Hmm

Onadifferentuniverse · 01/10/2020 11:03

Please report this to the school.

Yellownotblue · 01/10/2020 11:05

@SpongebobNoPants

Regarding your childs party, does that go over the rule of 6 if you have all those people coming to your house Who said anything about a party?!! I said my mum and my gran would like to see DS on his birthday. There will not be more than 6 people in my house at any time.
If I read this correctly, you are meant to have 2 DCs and 2 SDs, plus you and DH, in your household this weekend. So you are not allowed any guests?
ProudAuntie76 · 01/10/2020 11:05

No problem. Are you going to notify the school? Please do, many teachers and children are extremely vulnerable too and it would be the right thing to do.

Good luck. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon!

OfTheNight · 01/10/2020 11:06

I’d let school know. Their position should help your DH in coming to some sort of arrangement with Ex. For example if she stays at her mum’s to isolate, could you then rearrange to give SD that missed time with you and her dad back at a later date. To be honest if mum is just kicking up about having to rearrange plans, that’s tough I’m afraid, but if she’s concerned about SD missing time with her dad that’s fair but could be easily resolved as above.

The test sounds really dodgy. I’m surprised care homes have the spare equipment to randomly give acquaintances tests.