SD has coronavirus symptoms but not isolating

[SpongebobNoPants]

My SD15 has all the typical symptoms of coronavirus which developed on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen her since the weekend before. We have EOW contact and usually the odd night for tea after school.
Last week just coincidentally we didn’t have my SCs over in the week due to them ha bunch other things planned (the arrangements are pretty flexible due to them being older kids).

She had a test on Monday - not a proper NHS testing centre, apparently her mum knows someone who works at a care home who did one for her

Well the results aren’t back yet and DP and I are concerned about having her here without knowing if she’s contagious or not.
I have 2 young DC of my own and help care for my elderly gran so we don’t want to take the risk.

DP is also a key worker and only 2 weeks into a new job so he can’t really risk potentially exposing himself that closely to the virus.

We’ve spoken to DP’s ex about it and said if SD’s results come back negative either today or tomorrow then we’ll carry on with contact as normal, or if they come in on Saturday we’ll pick her up and keep her Saturday and Sunday.
If they’re not back by the weekend then we can postpone the contact and then have the girls 3 weekends in a row so it doesn’t mess up the contact schedule going forward and mum still gets a break and we get to still spend time with them.

DP’s Ex has hit the roof. She’s screaming down the phone saying she has plans etc.
She shouldn’t really be going out anyway if her DD is displaying all of the symptoms?

What’s worse is we’ve just found out she’s sent SD into school today and when DP said she should be isolating she said “it’s only a bloody cold”... but it was serious enough for her to get SD tested?

Just a side note, DP’s Ex doesn’t work so I can’t even sympathise and think perhaps she’s worried about childcare and has had to send her DDs to school. She could easily just stay at home for 2 weeks with the kids.

She doesn’t seem to care that she’s potential putting other people at risk so I don’t trust her to tell us the truth about SD’s results anyway. DP has asked for a copy of the email or letter showing a negative result but I doubt we’ll see one.

I’m not sure what to do here... it’s my sons birthday this weekend too (not SD’s brother, they’re step-siblings) and my gran and my mum were going to pop over to see him which again can’t happen if SD has coronavirus.

I’m not sure what my AIBU is to be honest... but any advice on how to handle a high conflict ex who is flouting safety rules?
I’m tempted to report her as she’s putting so many others at risk.

Did the SD go into a home with symptoms. That does need to be reported. Very dangerous behaviour if the SD was allowed to steal a test from a home and if she went there
I genuinely have no idea how or where the test was administered. Worryingly, neither does DP because you can never get a straight answer from his ex

It's unlikely that the girl has Covid, because teens don't usually show symptoms
@LakieLady who told you that? The Daily Mail?

@SpongebobNoPants leave mumsnet and phone the school straight away. Children on the shielding list are currently attending schools.

And staff.

@FjordFiestas

I'm torn here. YANBU to think that DSD shouldn't be at school - she absolutely should NOT be at school. YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...

That’s ridiculous, why expose more people than necessary just because children ‘can’ move between parental homes during isolation. It’s not essential and therefore shouldn’t happen.

Seriously, some of these replies are ridiculous. Kids were given permission to move between households when we were not allowed to mix households in full lockdown, NOT just blanket permission to switch households even when they bloody have the virus. Jeez.

OF COURSE your SD should stay at her mum's OP. I would be temped to push for this regardless of whatever they say about the test as I would be sceptical of whether she's even actually been tested, the way it has been described.

Also, even if it's not Covid, she has enough similar symptoms that if any of you catch whatever she has you will need to get tested and isolate, which will similarly affect your DP's new job.

Is there a way I can do it anonymously?
I was thinking I could ring and pretend to be the parent of one of SD’s friends and say
“I don’t want to say which child is mine because I don’t my daughter to be ostracised for speaking out but she is friends with XXX (SD’s name) and we know she’s been unwell with coronavirus symptoms and had a test. I’ve been made aware she’s been back at school without having received the results and I’m concerned that she isn’t isolating and potentially exposing my daughter and her other classmates”

@Frazzled2207

Yanbu. I don't think you can report her tbh unless she has specifically been told by Test and Trace to self isolate which it doesn't sound like she has. And if she has 'plans' well tough they're going to have to be cancelled/postponed either until there is a negative test or until 2 weeks have passed.

Very tricky situation. Does the SD understand that it's not exactly that she's 'not welcome'. That would be my first priority and it sounds like you can easily make it up to her.

However I do think it should be your DP handling this not you! I think he needs to stand firm (does he have a backbone?)

She shouldn't need to be told to isolate, that rule is clear; someone in your house is showing symptoms everyone isolates until a negative test is produced (or 14 days from start of the person's symptoms if they can't test - the person with symptoms isolates for 10 days).

OP I would want proof of test results or for the correct time to elapse. I would also be letting school know. They have a right to know; there may be vulnerable teachers and children and it is reprehensible for SD to be in school with symptoms (the blame lies at the mums feet, not the child I will say).

Obviously the ex shouldn't be going out if there's a potential that she's been exposed to covid but I'm curious as to why in normal circumstances she would have to cancel her plans because of a 15 year old, it's not like she would need a baby sitter?

@ThatDamnScientist
I agree entirely but my point is nobody can legally prove at the moment that she needs to SI, especially if her symptoms have gone. She definitely should, but legally speaking I don’t think the police will be interested unless/until she has for example a text or email saying she must do it.

How did she get a test at a carehome. Staff dont just carry around test kits and analyzers in their pockets. Did she visit a carehome with symptoms. If its true I would speak to the carehome manager.

But yes, of course... let’s blindly stick to a usually flexible contact schedule to appease DP’s Ex and unnecessarily potentially spread a virus between 2 households. Seems logical shock

This is no doubt how it's spreading. People sending their kids all over the place, with the symptoms, or maybe the kids are asymptomatic (can't help it then). Kids spread disease like crazy. Numbers are going up since they went back to school... I wonder why... Kids might not be as effected by covid, but they can easily spread it.

Yanbu op. The ex is stupid.

to the people saying ops dh is not taking care of his responsibilities, this is what the NHS says
When to self-isolate

Self-isolate immediately if:

you have any symptoms of coronavirus (a high temperature, a new, continuous cough or a loss or change to your sense of smell or taste)
you've tested positive for coronavirus – this means you have coronavirus

How to self-isolate

You must not leave your home if you're self-isolating.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/self-isolation-and-treatment/when-to-self-isolate-and-what-to-do/

Not sure it could be more clear than this. OP id report it as well to the school

Care homes have been sent packages of large quantities of home test kits. Everyone tests in the same 12 hour window and then they are collected weekly by courier as close to test time as possible. Some staff who will be off duty take their’s home and drop them in or have another member of staff collect on their way on duty. It’s possible for a test kit to have been sent home by a staff member to the SD to test at home and then collected or dropped off to go back to the care home within several hours of courier collection. They are registered using bar codes online and you provide a mobile number and email address to get your results. Not sure how, unless it’s a care home for under 18s, they would get away with testing a 15 year old as you do have to input DOB.

Or...she’s attended in person. It’s dishonest either way and downright reckless if she’s attended in person. Report the home to CQC. There’s also a chance the “friend” didn’t test herself but used her test to test SD. Which could mean there is an untested care staff member with an inaccurate result going into work OR (if SD tests positive) getting paid time off for two weeks as some homes, including the one I work in, are doing.

Really worrying.

@AryaStarkWolf if you go back through the thread I explained it’s because there is also SD11 in their household and the girls fight and argue a lot with each other and aren’t the most mature for their age.
Some 11 and 15 year olds are fine to be left at home for a few hours but my SDs would cause havoc so I totally get why their mum won’t leave them alone.

Or...she’s attended in person. It’s dishonest either way and downright reckless if she’s attended in person. Report the home to CQC. There’s also a chance the “friend” didn’t test herself but used her test to test SD. Which could mean there is an untested care staff
From what SD said they went to get the test in a neighbouring town... I have no idea if they went into the care home, met the carer at another place or if it was done in the car park. We have no idea who the friend is or what care-home she works at. As I said before, trying to get a straight answer out of DP’s Ex is pretty much impossible

The detailed circumstances of the test sounds odd but I admit I don’t know enough about how these things work. But if she had taken a test designed for a care worker I find that concerning for lots of reasons.
If her father is worried I think he is entitled to contact school, he has pr so there is no issue there, he is a Key worker.
He should say she has some symptoms and according to her mother has had a test but it’s unclear where /who administered it.
He can ask if they have noticed her displaying symptoms and if they can speak with her , if she is showing visible symptoms in school surely they can ask her if she’s had a test, or contact her DM to say she should have a test and ask her to collect her and isolate until she is well/ returns a negative test.

When DP asked his ex to send him a copy of the results when they come in she went crazy, shouting and swearing and called him pathetic. Call me cynical but I think they could be lying about having the test done at all

I think so, or she could be in trouble for stealing a test from work. Don't they all have serial numbers on them?

This all sounds very dodgy. No wonder she is an ex. It sounds to me that she wants the children out of the way. Has she met a new fancy man?

This all sounds very dodgy. No wonder she is an ex. It sounds to me that she wants the children out of the way. Has she met a new fancy man?
She’s an incredibly selfish parent, but that’s a whole other topic for another thread for a different day. She has a boyfriend but he’s not new, however he is a terribly selfish parent to his own children too.
They prioritise their free time above the interests of their children at every opportunity unfortunately

What a stupid selfish mum your poor SD has. She should be self isolating until she has had the test results back. (But it's an unofficial test?? How does that work??) She should not come to your house, she should not see your mum/her gran.

Jeez. Must be very hard for your H to co-parent with someone so stupid and selfish. This is why Covid is spreading; because twats can't read and follow the guidelines.

I'd report to the DS's school too.

@FjordFiestas

I'm torn here. YANBU to think that DSD shouldn't be at school - she absolutely should NOT be at school. YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...

This is a ridiculous thing to say. If someone is isolating they need to do it in ONE household. I can see you are one of the super spreaders.

@SpongebobNoPants

Is there a way I can do it anonymously? I was thinking I could ring and pretend to be the parent of one of SD’s friends and say “I don’t want to say which child is mine because I don’t my daughter to be ostracised for speaking out but she is friends with XXX (SD’s name) and we know she’s been unwell with coronavirus symptoms and had a test. I’ve been made aware she’s been back at school without having received the results and I’m concerned that she isn’t isolating and potentially exposing my daughter and her other classmates”

This is a brilliant suggestion and what I think you should do Spongebob. For your dsds mum to have kicked off so aggressively and from how you have described her, I think it is more likely the test was never performed. If your dsd or her mum hasn’t told anyone else, it’s going to be obvious it was you calling the school. Would your dh be ok with this? 15 yos can be incredibly tricky and I an just thinking about possible repercussions.

I think your plan to call the school as another parent is a good one - it should at least get the ball rolling on getting the SDs to stay home.

I would be so tempted to officially report for the not isolating too

I can't believe they've admitted to using a test for essential workers who are dealing with vunerable ppl!
Why could they not have travelled to get a normal test like the rest of us.
I know of a person running a care company who's child tested positive and instead of follow the rules sent said child to school before the school were duly informed... obviously once school was informed etc they advised ppl to isolate and I believe had words with the person who sent in the child who should have been isolating. In this particular circumstance had I known before the school I would have had to inform track and trace or whoever because of the risk to the elderly who this person and her company deals with on a daily basis... personally I'm not in the best of health but I hope I'd be robust enough to survive Covid-19, however, there are far to many ppl who would not and them being in hospitals means more of the NHS gets turned off again and we're back to a far worse square one of more undiagnosed diseases, more ppl suffering from their current diseases which would otherwise have been helped by routine operations etc etc

If this is true then it's very unfair.

If she is displaying all the typical coronavirus symptoms then surely school will send her home anyway?

@SpongebobNoPants

Her mother should be isolating too if the daughter has symptoms This is also a very valid point. SD11 should be isolating too. But they’re all going about their normal daily business as if nothing is happening

I would seriously be considering reporting this to the DC’s school. They are potentially exposing two whole year groups (and more) to CV because they aren’t following the guidelines.

YANBU and you should get your DP to reiterate that you can’t have them until the negative result (which you want to see) and they should be isolating as a whole household.