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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SD has coronavirus symptoms but not isolating

112 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 09:25

My SD15 has all the typical symptoms of coronavirus which developed on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen her since the weekend before. We have EOW contact and usually the odd night for tea after school.
Last week just coincidentally we didn’t have my SCs over in the week due to them ha bunch other things planned (the arrangements are pretty flexible due to them being older kids).

She had a test on Monday - not a proper NHS testing centre, apparently her mum knows someone who works at a care home who did one for her Hmm

Well the results aren’t back yet and DP and I are concerned about having her here without knowing if she’s contagious or not.
I have 2 young DC of my own and help care for my elderly gran so we don’t want to take the risk.

DP is also a key worker and only 2 weeks into a new job so he can’t really risk potentially exposing himself that closely to the virus.

We’ve spoken to DP’s ex about it and said if SD’s results come back negative either today or tomorrow then we’ll carry on with contact as normal, or if they come in on Saturday we’ll pick her up and keep her Saturday and Sunday.
If they’re not back by the weekend then we can postpone the contact and then have the girls 3 weekends in a row so it doesn’t mess up the contact schedule going forward and mum still gets a break and we get to still spend time with them.

DP’s Ex has hit the roof. She’s screaming down the phone saying she has plans etc.
She shouldn’t really be going out anyway if her DD is displaying all of the symptoms?

What’s worse is we’ve just found out she’s sent SD into school today and when DP said she should be isolating she said “it’s only a bloody cold”... but it was serious enough for her to get SD tested?

Just a side note, DP’s Ex doesn’t work so I can’t even sympathise and think perhaps she’s worried about childcare and has had to send her DDs to school. She could easily just stay at home for 2 weeks with the kids.

She doesn’t seem to care that she’s potential putting other people at risk so I don’t trust her to tell us the truth about SD’s results anyway. DP has asked for a copy of the email or letter showing a negative result but I doubt we’ll see one.

I’m not sure what to do here... it’s my sons birthday this weekend too (not SD’s brother, they’re step-siblings) and my gran and my mum were going to pop over to see him which again can’t happen if SD has coronavirus.

I’m not sure what my AIBU is to be honest... but any advice on how to handle a high conflict ex who is flouting safety rules?
I’m tempted to report her as she’s putting so many others at risk.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 01/10/2020 11:07

report her... its an automatic £1000 fine but she should have thought of that

DS had a cough, sore throat and runny nose as did some kids on his bus, we had him tested and kept him off school for 2 days and stayed home until we got a negative result... it took 2.5 days to get the result, its not hard to wait to protect others

ancientgran · 01/10/2020 11:10

I know its not the point but why would a 15 year old mean her mother can't go out. You don't need baby sitters for a 15 year old.

Lweji · 01/10/2020 11:12

@ancientgran

I know its not the point but why would a 15 year old mean her mother can't go out. You don't need baby sitters for a 15 year old.
If the plans include a night away, many people won't leave their 15 year olds alone.
funinthesun19 · 01/10/2020 11:13

I honestly think we’re doing the right thing for the greater good also

You are, 100%. It makes absolutely no sense to potentially go and infect another household. You’re doing the right thing.

The mum is being really bang out of order and irresponsible for having such a laid back approach to it all. And anyone who agrees with the mum is the same.

Lweji · 01/10/2020 11:14

I don't think you have said what the symptoms are, OP.

Another pp mentioned a child with a runny nose, and that's not a typical sign at all.

theboardgame · 01/10/2020 11:14

@ancientgran

I know its not the point but why would a 15 year old mean her mother can't go out. You don't need baby sitters for a 15 year old.
She shouldn't go as her daughter displayed coronavirus symptoms! She should self isolate with her daughter until negative test. She is clearly breaking the rules and puts other people at risk.
GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 11:15

@ancientgran

I know its not the point but why would a 15 year old mean her mother can't go out. You don't need baby sitters for a 15 year old.
If she's displaying symptoms, her mother should be isolating as well until the negative result comes back.
Aesopfable · 01/10/2020 11:16

The SD needs to isolate for ten days, the whole of the SD household including the ex need to isolate for 14 days.

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 11:18

I agree with this. Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid. Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?

People are really bloody thick.

Sometimes things have to come before contact, this is one of them.

It's quite simple really. If DSD developed symptoms at OPs house, she should stay there and self isolate with that household. If she develops them at her mothers, she stays there and self isolates with that household.

It makes no sense at all to anyone to spread possible Covid between two households just for the sake of keeping up contact for a weekend.

Seriously, thinking like this is why we're in this mess. Use your head will you.

GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 11:19

And obviously OPs kids would self isolate in their home, which is OPs.

The DSD lives in two households. So she self isolates in whichever one she happens to be in at the time.

No use comparing it to OPs children. They only have one home.

BlusteryShowers · 01/10/2020 11:23

Of course you don't move between households if you're self isolating, and especially not if positive for Covid!

Are people that stupid?

The movement between separated parents was an exemption for lockdown and mixing households.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 11:24

If I read this correctly, you are meant to have 2 DCs and 2 SDs, plus you and DH, in your household this weekend. So you are not allowed any guests?
My other DC won’t be here. So if SDs came it would be our household +1 guest at a time.

I know its not the point but why would a 15 year old mean her mother can't go out. You don't need baby sitters for a 15 year old

Two reasons...
Firstly - I have 2 SDs, younger one is 11yo. She’s not very mature and the two sisters fight like cat and dog so I can why they can’t be left alone. And we obviously can’t have SD11here either because if SD15 has the virus then SD11 is likely to have it and spread it to our household.
Secondly - their whole household should be isolating until the results come back anyway

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2020 11:24

I think you are going to need to report this situation to the school. It’s the only way to sort this mess out. I would be wondering whether or not the test was a ruse. Unless and until you get a negative, you’re going to have to stop seeing her until 14 days from Sunday.

OperationallySound · 01/10/2020 11:27

Some of the responses on here are astonishing. If she's symptomatic, she should self isolate. Nothing to do with children being allowed to move between households, nothing to do with parental responsibility. Everything to do with reducing the spread of covid. My DD had quite vague symptoms that indicated she might be infected. She immediately self isolated, contacted everyone she had seen to tell them she was displaying symptoms, got tested, tested positive, filled in all the relevant tracing information online and stayed in her flat for the required length of time. That's what everyone should do who is symptomatic surely. I'd tell school too.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 11:28

No use comparing it to OPs children. They only have one home

That’s not the case actually. My DS goes to his dads... and obviously if he caught the virus whilst with me then he wouldn’t be seeing his dad either for 2 weeks. There’s so many reasons why we need to wait for a negative result.
It wouldn’t be fair that my DS should be exposed and miss seeing his dad also when the whole situation is avoidable just by switching one contact weekend for my SDs.

OP posts:
GoldieBearRight · 01/10/2020 11:31

@SpongebobNoPants

No use comparing it to OPs children. They only have one home

That’s not the case actually. My DS goes to his dads... and obviously if he caught the virus whilst with me then he wouldn’t be seeing his dad either for 2 weeks. There’s so many reasons why we need to wait for a negative result.
It wouldn’t be fair that my DS should be exposed and miss seeing his dad also when the whole situation is avoidable just by switching one contact weekend for my SDs.

Apologies, I assumed and didn't read where your DS wasn't your husband's child.

But yeah my reply stays the same really in that all kids self isolate in whatever house they begin symptoms in.

Wheresthebeach · 01/10/2020 11:35

@GoldieBearRight

I agree with this. Why does your partner get to duck out of his parental responsibilities because his dd might possibly have covid. Where will you be sending your own children if they develop a temp or cough?

People are really bloody thick.

Sometimes things have to come before contact, this is one of them.

It's quite simple really. If DSD developed symptoms at OPs house, she should stay there and self isolate with that household. If she develops them at her mothers, she stays there and self isolates with that household.

It makes no sense at all to anyone to spread possible Covid between two households just for the sake of keeping up contact for a weekend.

Seriously, thinking like this is why we're in this mess. Use your head will you.

Couldn't agree more. Why the hell would anyone want to risk the spread? Just spread the misery? Frankly the same goes for a kid with the flu. Stay in bed, stay in one house, one parent can take over the care. Drives me nut when sick kids are sent between houses to prove some sort of point.
Meuniere · 01/10/2020 11:41

Self isolating means staying in the SAME house for two weeks, regardless of what house it is.
Students weren’t allowed to leave their halls to go back home to self isolate. It doesn’t make sense for one child to start self isolation in one house and then go to another.
If she was to do that, as she still hasn’t got the results back this would mean that the whole of OP’s house should also self isolate, incl her dP.
If SD was then tested positive, BOTH houses would need to self isolate for 14 days as the SD will have been in close contact with peopleBOTH houses.

I really don’t understand the point of the SD going to see the OP’s DP.
Both th SD and the mum are acting as if they had the test back and it was negative. Which is not the case.

LindaEllen · 01/10/2020 11:44

@FjordFiestas

I'm torn here. YANBU to think that DSD shouldn't be at school - she absolutely should NOT be at school. YABU to say she shouldn't be coming to your home. Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear. You're not trying to uphold any rules, it's just inconvenient for you. If you got a cough, would you move out to protect your DC and DH? Didn't think so...
No. It is absolutely irresponsible to suggest that a 15yo girl with a mother who does not work should go to a household with people she could potentially infect.

You're not comparing like for like, anyway. If she got a cough, chances are she was contagious before symptoms - and moving OUT is a very different decision to delaying someone visiting for goodness sake.

She's 15, she's old enough to understand why she cannot come to you, OP. Tell her that either you need to see a negative test, or wait 14 days since her symptoms started.

Her mother should be isolating too if the daughter has symptoms.

NameChange84 · 01/10/2020 11:48

Is it any wonder that we are in the mess we are when you have absolute idiots suggesting it’s that right thing to do to mix households with someone with Covid symptoms?! Use your brains people. Of course the OP is doing the right thing.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 11:49

Her mother should be isolating too if the daughter has symptoms
This is also a very valid point. SD11 should be isolating too.
But they’re all going about their normal daily business as if nothing is happening

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 01/10/2020 11:50

ds is self isolating. he has not been to ex's house during that time, as much as both ex and I want him to. this is not shirking responsibility, thios is taking responsibility for restricting the spread of Coronavirus ffs.

If I were ex I would be ringing school and asking about the arrangements for your dsd regarding her having symptoms, so "accidently" dobbing her mother in.

I know it is fucking hard. ds has not been able to go outside even although we are still allowed to go about our routine as normal.

Can't understand the posters who are saying sd should move between houses. bonkers to spread it further.

Enoughnowstop · 01/10/2020 11:57

Children can move between parental homes during isolation - that is very clear

That's never been said. The rules were around children of separated families being permitted to make journeys when the rule was 'no unnecessary journeys' and spend time with their other parent, as per normal contact schedules. The rule wasn't 'move a child in isolation to the other parent's' because that would be ridiculous and just spreads the problem around.

LemonTT · 01/10/2020 12:01

@JacobReesMogadishu

How can a friend who works in a care home have done a test for her? It all sounds a bit dodgy, are you sure she's telling you the truth?
This is the Potentially most scary thing. Did the SD go into a home with symptoms. That does need to be reported. Very dangerous behaviour if the SD was allowed to steal a test from a home and if she went there.

Otherwise the OP and her family need to isolate for the 14 days since last contact with the SD or until they get a negative test confirmed.

The SD should be in isolation for 10 days or until she gets a negative. She she cannot visit.

The father should speak to his daughter and explain all of this and his reason for not seeing her.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/10/2020 12:14

I don't think you have said what the symptoms are, OP
Sore throat, cold like symptoms but more worryingly she lost her sense of taste and smell. No cough but she did say her chest felt heavy... basically enough of the reported symptoms to warrant a test.

The test sounds really dodgy. I’m surprised care homes have the spare equipment to randomly give acquaintances tests
I agree it seems massively dodgy. When DP asked his ex to send him a copy of the results when they come in she went crazy, shouting and swearing and called him pathetic.
Call my cynical but I think they could be lying about having the test done at all. I sincerely hope not.

What is puzzling is that she sent SD15 into school today but she’s so blasé about the girls missing school usually. Last week she kept SD11 off school for a day because she “didn’t feel energised enough”. Basically SD11 being a bit tired warranted a day off Confused
But she has sent SD15 into school during a pandemic whilst displaying symptoms indicating she has Covid 19?!

My mind boggles at the logic

OP posts: