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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who pays for birthday meals?

108 replies

Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 19:22

Within immediate family with grown up kids?

For everyone's birthday in our family of four (mum, dad, brother 27 and me 29), we always go out for dinner, it's just something we always do and we love it.

But every time either my brother or I have our birthday dinner, there's a big faff and deal about who pays, caused by DM (which started since a few years ago when DM found out I earn around the same as DDad)

During parents birthday, its a given that me or DBrother pays, which is fine. We are all employed and happy to pay for the birthday person,and I split the bill with DBro.

My AIBU is this :
I am turning 30 this year. Again there is a faff about "who is paying for dinner?" which DM wants to agree before we go anywhere.

The correct answer is that I will pay for everyone (approx £150), if not, there are arguments about how ungrateful we are, they paid for all our birthdays when we were younger, we can afford it etc.

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

I just thought that someone else would offer to pay since its a milestone and I'm due to have a baby in 4 weeks (so obviously saving).

We don't have an option to pay for ourselves individually because DDad hates us acting like we are "not a family". Only strangers separate the bill(???)

My parents financial situation is fine, and so is mine and my bro's. If that helps, so we can all afford the £150 meal.

I just need some ideas, what does everyone else do within immediate family with grown up kids when it comes to special occasions?

YABU - don't expect anyone to pay for you.
YANBU - its your birthday, you should be treated.

OP posts:

Potterpotterpotter · 30/09/2020 19:25

Wouldn’t it just be easier to each take it in turns and all pay for your own birthdays ....

sunlight81 · 30/09/2020 19:27

I would agree with ur DBro that moving forward you both split the bill no matter who's birthday it is.

Ur fam (DM) aren't going to come around to ur way of thinking so better to take control and nip the squabbling in the bud.

If u want to be treated (and so u should) get YOUR fam (DH and kids) to start a new tradition which ensures u feel as special as u should do

Doliv63 · 30/09/2020 19:27

We pay for all the family meals inc grown up children meals . We also pay for my MIL if she comes along. Has never been an issue in our family.Enjoy your birthday 💐

aleto · 30/09/2020 19:28

If I'm out with my parents then either they pay for the whole meal or we split the bill between households. If we're out with my grown up children then either we pay for the whole meal or we split the bill. I have never expected my children to take me out for a meal, they occasionally treat me to afternoon tea or a McDonalds (!) but that's about it!

TeenPlusTwenties · 30/09/2020 19:28

Within our family there is no point offering to pay if my DF is present as he will always insist. We don't bother arguing any more.

LolaSkoda · 30/09/2020 19:30

I wouldn’t pay anything and likely choose not to go.

Purely because it is an expectation that you will pay, rather than a freely given gift.

Surely your parents should pay for you and your brother and you pay for your parents?

Milkshake54 · 30/09/2020 19:30

We split the bill with my in-laws.
Sometimes, we may pay for the birthday person between but this isn’t set every time.

With my family, me and my brother will pay for my Mum. If my Dad is there, he’ll pay for the whole thing.
We don’t tend to go out for mine and my brothers birthday actually.

BrokenCrown · 30/09/2020 19:33

We all just pay for our own meals, as in each couple pays for 2 people each time we go out, Vs we all pay for the entire table when it is our own birthday, but then I assumed everyone did.
Not down to the penny or anything, but each couple pays for their own 'pair'

I guess over the year it would work out the same if each birthday the birthday person treated everyone to dinner, but this way we all spread the cost instead of having a big bill to pay on our own birthdays.

I guess it doesn't matter what others do as long as it works for your family

Lollypop701 · 30/09/2020 19:47

I agree with sunlight. although I would point out to dm that as she likes to be treated you thought she would understand that others do too. Children don’t pay their parents back for childhood birthdays, or why did they do them?

Leaannb · 30/09/2020 19:50

I would stop doing it. I have better things to spend my money on than buying everyone dinner on my birthday. Forget that.

WindsorBlues · 30/09/2020 19:50

With my family we round it up to include a decent tip just divide the bill by how many people are around the table. The 7/8 of us eat out together once every other month or so amd we all think it's fair. When we have a girls shopping trip (me, DM & DS) we take it in turns to treat each other.

When out with the inlaws MIL will sit with a calculator and work out exactly how much each person spent individually. Once when she ordered herself a portion of onion rings she offered them around the table and DH accepted two.... She factored those two onion rings into his part of the bill 😂. We also learnt to give our tip directly to the waiter when leaving as we where putting it down before and she was just using it to top up her part of the bill leaving the servers with nothing. It's very stressful we haven't been out for dinner with them in years.

MondeoFan · 30/09/2020 19:51

I think if it's your birthday then everyone pays except you, so when it's yours your parents and dB split the bill. When it's your db's then you and parents split the bill. It becomes difficult I suppose when it's your df birthday as i can't see your dm paying towards it

Redlocks28 · 30/09/2020 19:53

I think your mum’s attitude is really entitled and would stop me wanting to spend any birthdays with her. Is she saying that you or your brother should pay whether it’s your birthday, his birthday, your dad’s birthday or your mum’s birthday?!

I would put that question to her and depending on her reaction would sack the next one off-it sounds like they want you to pay them back for choosing to have kids!

OverTheRainbow88 · 30/09/2020 19:53

My parents pay for every meal out we go as a family ( both my parents and my grown up siblings). They even pay on their birthdays!! Whilst my Nan was alive she would always pay for us all, Including her daughter- my mum!

TheDuchessofMalfy · 30/09/2020 19:56

I feel like it should work the same both ways - either everyone gets treated on their birthday or everyone pays on their birthday, so it works out fair overall.

Also nothing wrong with splitting the bill, which can be the fairest way.

You shouldn’t have to pay this year if they are all drinking and you are not though!

SummerHouse · 30/09/2020 19:59

I would just pay it. Life is too short. It makes your mum happy.

I have the opposite problem. We have increasingly elaborate scenarios whereby we have to sneak off as soon as the food is on the table in order to head off my dad paying every time.

ChristmasCarcass · 30/09/2020 19:59

I have the opposite problem - DM won’t let anyone else pay, because it is her way of feeling like she can still look after her children even though we’ve grown up now.

I’d have no patience for somebody expecting me to treat them on my birthday, and then again on their birthday, just because they’d decided I could afford it. Are you her daughter or her cashpoint?

I’d be tempted to say you don’t feel up to it because you’re eight months pregnant. But perhaps she would just send you an invoice if you weren’t there to pay in person.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/09/2020 19:59

take them to macdonalds, or pizza express on a set meal deal/tesco vouchers.
Go somewhere you;d like to go to celebrate with your partner,.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 30/09/2020 19:59

In our family all adults pay other than the birthday adult, there are six of us on my side (my parents ,DH, DB, SIL), so bill divided by five which means two couples pay two fifths and the birthday couple pay one fifth essentially, including the food for the children. When it's been our 30ths DF and DM have insisted on treating us to somewhere fancy, this was before DB or I had any DC. When it was my dad's sixtieth they threw a party which they paid for and DB and I booked him some flying lessons and took him out for lunch after the first one which we paid for

CherryPavlova · 30/09/2020 20:00

We still always pay. It’s a sign of our love that we can still provide for our children and their partners.
It doesn’t matter what is agreed, it will vary between families. What matters is that you agree between you.
I would suggest either birthday person pays or you split equally but one person actually settles the bill and the others ping their contributions, in consideration of your father’s views.
The exception would be if there was a significant difference in incomes with one person struggling to make ends meet and others much more comfortable. Then it would be kind to reduce their contribution discretion.

Sceptre86 · 30/09/2020 20:00

For my parents, we as siblings split the bill. We all out earn my mum and dad. I spent my birthday with my parents and my mum and dad paid for the food (mum cooked). My dh paid for my birthday cake but my dad said he would have happily bought it for me. For my 30th, I had a joint birthday party with my mum as she turned 50 the following month and my parents paid for the venue, decor, cake and food. I offered but was refused as my dad said me turning 30 was a milestone for them too especially as I am the eldest child.

With my inlaes if mil is cooking for my birthday she picks up the bill for the food but dh would buy cake or decorations. If we took mil out for her bday either bil or my dh would pay.

If you had a party at your home I would expect you to pay for food, cake ( by you I mean you and your oh). If at a restaurant I would expect them to split the bill unless you are choosing somewhere that they cannot afford.

Your mum's focus on who picks up the bill would annoy me and I would give her a wide berth for this reason alone. You are expecting a baby, maybe it is now the time to put forward some new family traditions and maybe sometimes have birthdays at home. It shouldn't have to be a meal at a restaurant because that is what your family always do, things can change if you want them to.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/09/2020 20:01

The rule generally is everyone except the birthday person splits the bill but its a battle to get my parents to let me pay for anything.

gurglebelly · 30/09/2020 20:03

Birthday person doesn't pay in my book - the rest split it between them. Particularly for a milestone birthday

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 20:03

I think it's common sense that the person whose birthday it is, shouldn't be paying. Id love to know how your DM would react if she had to pay for herself plus every one else on her milestone birthday.

Ragwort · 30/09/2020 20:05

My DF (90) always insists on paying the bill .... of course we offer but it gives him pleasure to pay and as he says 'what else can I spend my money on?' (He can afford it).

Likewise, we would always pay if taking our adult DS out for dinner.

But as PPs say, it doesn't matter what we do .... what matters is how you sort it out as a family, sounds a total faff to me, just suggest everyone eats at your house and serve a simple meal?

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