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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for birthday meals?

108 replies

Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 19:22

Within immediate family with grown up kids?

For everyone's birthday in our family of four (mum, dad, brother 27 and me 29), we always go out for dinner, it's just something we always do and we love it.

But every time either my brother or I have our birthday dinner, there's a big faff and deal about who pays, caused by DM (which started since a few years ago when DM found out I earn around the same as DDad)

During parents birthday, its a given that me or DBrother pays, which is fine. We are all employed and happy to pay for the birthday person,and I split the bill with DBro.

My AIBU is this :
I am turning 30 this year. Again there is a faff about "who is paying for dinner?" which DM wants to agree before we go anywhere.

The correct answer is that I will pay for everyone (approx £150), if not, there are arguments about how ungrateful we are, they paid for all our birthdays when we were younger, we can afford it etc.

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

I just thought that someone else would offer to pay since its a milestone and I'm due to have a baby in 4 weeks (so obviously saving).

We don't have an option to pay for ourselves individually because DDad hates us acting like we are "not a family". Only strangers separate the bill(???)

My parents financial situation is fine, and so is mine and my bro's. If that helps, so we can all afford the £150 meal.

I just need some ideas, what does everyone else do within immediate family with grown up kids when it comes to special occasions?

YABU - don't expect anyone to pay for you.
YANBU - its your birthday, you should be treated.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 30/09/2020 20:41

Forgot to add yanbu.

mcmooberry · 30/09/2020 20:42

Your DM sounds tiresome and it's not clear if she herself ever puts her hand in her pocket or if it's your DF who pays. I tended to always pay for my parents when out for meals once I was working full time, however to make you pay for your 30th birthday celebration seems very cheap of them.

FeltCarrot · 30/09/2020 20:44

If we go out with my mother and her husband, they always insist on paying. Often there can be up to 10 of us. She takes pleasure from having me and my brothers and our families all out together. We have on occasion paid for the meals ourselves, eg our children’s 18th and 21sts.
When we go out with mil and bil it’s always a scramble over who had what and the bill gets split.

Chloemol · 30/09/2020 20:53

If it’s a normal meal, split it four ways, if it’s a birthday the other three split it

Original poster
Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 21:05

She is a SAHM, and can't work due to an illness. So Dad pays for both of them when going out etc. So whenever it comes to"treating us" is him paying, on behalf of both of them with the family money.

OP posts:
Graphista · 30/09/2020 21:18

I don't really see the relevance of her being Sahm/not working due to ill health - which is true for me too btw. As you said it's "family money" how your parents work their finances is up to them.

But she is out of order expecting on her birthday she doesn't pay and on your birthday or anyone else's birthday she doesn't pay...

She can't have it all ways!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/09/2020 21:41

If I invite guests out to celebrate my birthday I would pay as host.

BaublesAndGlitter · 30/09/2020 21:54

So if it's a parents birthday, you and brother split the bill, if it's your birthday, you pay and presumable for brothers birthday, he pays? So your parents never pay at all? That isn't fair and I'd be quite annoyed about it.

In my family, DH and I probably earn more between us than my parents, and dsis earns less as she's PT. We also go for a meal for most birthdays.
For mine and sisters birthday, parents always pay. They do the opposite of yours, absolutely insist on it.
For parents birthday, parents try and get everyone to pay for their own but dsis and I tend to either split the bill or I pay, if we can comfortably afford it.

With MIL and her DH, we take turns.
With FIL, he always insists on paying. He's quite wealthy and although we and both SILs are financially fine, he likes to treat everyone. Before anyone jumps in, we always offer / try to pay but this upsets him so we've stopped.

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 30/09/2020 21:55

In my family, everyone chips in except the birthday person.

LampGenie · 30/09/2020 22:03

She sounds like my MIL. It was my DH’s birthday about 3 months ago and he paid for lunch - her paying was never an option - she walked off once the bill arrived. Anyway, it came up in conversation less than a week ago in a conversation that implied we don’t do enough for her (she comes to us, we pay - we go to her we pay) and her genuine comment was ‘well it would only have been x’.

I don’t know what irritated me more, the fact that she had been so blatant in the first place or that the price had been remembered as ‘not much’ all this time later. After all, it wasn’t much but it was the principle that she wasn’t paying again, and as It wasn’t much she could have opened her wallet for once (no chance).

Nottherealslimshady · 30/09/2020 22:09

In DHs family the bill is split between all the non-birthday people. In my family everyone pays their own.
I dont agree with the birthday person treating everyone. If you have a buffet then you pay but you also choose the budget, you shouldn't have to pay for someone deciding to have a 20oz steak and 5 glasses of whisky.

The problem in your family is that,when it's their birthday, you pay, and when its your birthday, you pay. And I dont think that's fair. I'd say, "well I've got a baby on the way so can't afford to buy everyones dinner, everyone just split the bill equally, but it would have been nice to be treated for my birthday."

Letsgetgoing123 · 30/09/2020 22:12

Pil suggested once that we go out for dh birthday. At the end they offered to pay for dh’s, and both dc’s meals. So just left me to pay for my own...!

riddles26 · 30/09/2020 22:14

When out with the parents or in laws, they always insist on paying the bill. Every so often (especially if it's their birthday), we, my sister or bil will grab the bill before parents/ILs get to it and pay it to try even it out a bit.

They are of the background where they feel they should pay for us regardless of what we earn but we like to treat them too and make sure we do in other ways

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 30/09/2020 22:22

On my last milestone birthday I paid for parent, siblings, partners and my husband........because I issued the invitation.

When we all get together for Christmas, we each pay our own way (although if Mum decided she wanted to treat us, there would be no stopping her).

Lollypop701 · 30/09/2020 22:26

So dm wants everyone to spend their hard earned cash on her, and she doesn’t work... and wants to know exactly how much you’ve spent! 🤣 did she not feel fiddled with a group on voucher op?

RunningWaterfall · 30/09/2020 22:37

Usually the birthday person is the one person who doesn’t pay - either their closest relative will pay for everyone (if it’s a milestone) or the bill is split between households and everyone chips in equally for the birthday person.

Parkmama · 30/09/2020 22:47

Our parents always pay for meals out and my sisters and I all work and are financially independent. Our parents are retired with decent pensions and always insist to cover the bill because it's "nice to have you come out for lunch/dinner" however if we do the inviting or planning then said parents usually assume we will pay since we asked them. So basically it comes down to who's plan it is!! Seems bonkers really and would be great if we just split the bill between households to be honest

Pipandmum · 30/09/2020 22:57

I, as parent, pay when out for ANY occasion for my kids and step kids. My step children are 30 and 32 and I would still pay. The only reason not is if they invited me out, for my birthday for example.
My parents always paid for me when we went out. Only time they didn't was if my husband was there and then the bill would be shared - my husband earned about three times as much as my father but he was retired by then anyway.
Now I don't celebrate my birthday with family - my parents are dead and my sisters live in another country. So I either host it at mine for friends or we go out. The rule is birthday person never pays- the bill is split between everyone else.

Covert19 · 01/10/2020 06:48

You could always take the high ground and decide to pay, whatever the situation. (If you can afford it, of course.)
I have a cheeky FIL who would pay what he thinks the meal is worth, rather than the actual cost, leaving my husband and me to pick up the tab for our meal and the balance of FIL and MIL’s meals. After this happened twice, we just started to offer to pay for the whole meal.
Being generous feels nicer than being taken for a mug.
Funnily enough since that time they have started to invite us out for meals where they pay. Generosity breeds generosity. Pettiness breeds pettiness, so rise above it.

Windywendys · 01/10/2020 06:53

Don’t have the birthday meal with your family. It actually sounds really stressful.

Can’t you go with your dp or friends instead?

Codexdivinchi · 01/10/2020 06:56

I’d honestly say -

‘This year I can’t afford it as saving for the baby and just doing something quiet with DP’

seayork2020 · 01/10/2020 06:58

No offense OP but my head hurts after reading that, we don't have a rule it is whoever gets to the counter to pay first

PivotPivott · 01/10/2020 07:00

We just pay for ourselves as a family. So does everyone else. I just appreciate that people have turned up and to celebrate a birthday. No way would my parents expect me to get their dinner because they've paid for me when I was younger.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2020 07:02

Wow, so she expects to be paid dor on her birthday and everyone else’s too? And she doesn’t even earn the money herself?

I don’t understand how’s she’s a stay at home mum though, is there other children still at home?

PivotPivott · 01/10/2020 07:02

By family I mean for example me, dp and DS.

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