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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for birthday meals?

108 replies

Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 19:22

Within immediate family with grown up kids?

For everyone's birthday in our family of four (mum, dad, brother 27 and me 29), we always go out for dinner, it's just something we always do and we love it.

But every time either my brother or I have our birthday dinner, there's a big faff and deal about who pays, caused by DM (which started since a few years ago when DM found out I earn around the same as DDad)

During parents birthday, its a given that me or DBrother pays, which is fine. We are all employed and happy to pay for the birthday person,and I split the bill with DBro.

My AIBU is this :
I am turning 30 this year. Again there is a faff about "who is paying for dinner?" which DM wants to agree before we go anywhere.

The correct answer is that I will pay for everyone (approx £150), if not, there are arguments about how ungrateful we are, they paid for all our birthdays when we were younger, we can afford it etc.

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

I just thought that someone else would offer to pay since its a milestone and I'm due to have a baby in 4 weeks (so obviously saving).

We don't have an option to pay for ourselves individually because DDad hates us acting like we are "not a family". Only strangers separate the bill(???)

My parents financial situation is fine, and so is mine and my bro's. If that helps, so we can all afford the £150 meal.

I just need some ideas, what does everyone else do within immediate family with grown up kids when it comes to special occasions?

YABU - don't expect anyone to pay for you.
YANBU - its your birthday, you should be treated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 20:06

I agree with a lot of the posters here. The reason for my question is because obviously this is the only immediate family I have, so I have not known what the set up is for other families with grown up kids, what is normal, or if everyone's is like this.

I suppose DM wants to feel appreciated. Monetary gifts and treats towards her (regardless of the occasion) should flow towards her as our way of showing appreciation because we have to "learn it's not cheap for all these fancy dinners".

I paid for everyone for my birthday last year because of previous drama. Decided on a cheaper dinner with a groupon voucher. DM demanded to know how much it all was, just to make a mental note.

OP posts:
TeamLannister · 30/09/2020 20:08

Your ma is a split bitch!

TeamLannister · 30/09/2020 20:08

*Spoiled! Grin

earthyfire · 30/09/2020 20:10

When we go for family birthday meals, each family pays for their own meals. Sometimes we have up to four families attend the meal so it would be far too expensive for one person to pay for everyone as well as their children!

TheMandalorian · 30/09/2020 20:12

@HEYAhhhhhhhhh

I think it's common sense that the person whose birthday it is, shouldn't be paying. Id love to know how your DM would react if she had to pay for herself plus every one else on her milestone birthday.
This. I would be very peeved at your DM. She wants to have her cake, your cake and everyone else's. Fil will always pay for a meal out, even on his own milestone birthday treat and he knows dh and sil now earn more than he did. My own dm is very poor and sidles off for a fag when its time to pay a bill.
Graphista · 30/09/2020 20:14

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

And yet she doesn't express HER love for YOU that way on your birthday?!

My family the birthday person doesn't pay - simple and fair to my mind.

But equally none of the birthday people would expect people to spend more than they could easily afford and if times were tight for anyone that was accounted for.

In your position I wouldn't be bothering with the meal at all! At least not with your mother!

She sounds self centred and tight fisted, very much the sort that knows the cost of everything and the VALUE of nothing!

Id love to know how your DM would react if she had to pay for herself plus every one else on her milestone birthday. I'm guessing she'd majorly kick off!

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 20:16

Just take everyone to Pizza Express to keep the cost down.

Seriously, can you bill kids for the cost of their birthdays when they're grown up? And insist they pay it off in fancy meals? DS has only had two parties so far but I'm going to start a tally so he knows how many Michelin-starred meals he owes me when he gets his first job Grin!

BoudiccasBoudoir · 30/09/2020 20:16

In my family the birthday person doesn't pay, and the rest is split evenly among the other adults (regardless of whether their are DCs or not)

violetbunny · 30/09/2020 20:18

I would choose to just go to dinner with DP for my birthday in this scenario 😁

ChristmasCarcass · 30/09/2020 20:19

DM demanded to know how much it all was, just to make a mental note.

That tips it over the edge for me, and I would not have been able to bite my tongue. What a grasping bitch she sounds.

Fink · 30/09/2020 20:19

My parents always pay when we're out together, even though we (siblings and I) still keep trying. Sometimes we try to get the bill while dad is in the loo or similar. We've never succeeded. He'll let us buy drinks afterwards or something, but he/they always pay the restaurant bill. We would be more than happy to split or take turns but it never happens. It must really add up for him too because it quite often involves spouses of siblings and children. If siblings and I go out together without parents, we'd normally split per couple/family or per person if some were with spouses and others weren't. But we'd only ever do an equal division of the bill into however many parts, regardless of how many courses/drinks each person had.

In your situation, if DM brought it up I would point out that all the enjoyment of the meal is being destroyed by squabbling and sulkiness beforehand. If she insisted on discussing it, I would state categorically that I would not be paying as I had already paid when it was their birthdays. So either the other three can cover my meal between them or I won't be coming. And that would be the end of the conversation.

Trisolaris · 30/09/2020 20:20

Why should your mum feel appreciated on YOUR birthday? You should thank her for any gifts she gives you but her expecting you to feel gratitude for paying for your childhood is out of order. She chose to have kids.

Cavagirl · 30/09/2020 20:21

We usually take it in turns, although my parents prefer to pay, and if it was a birthday this wouldn't be a question - they would insist to pay (and vice versa).

Your birthday meal out sadly is screwed now anyway OP. Even if you suck it up and pay, there will be that awkward moment when the bill arrives and you are pissed off even if you've agreed it in advance.

Your mum sounds like a piece of work tbh. I'd be spending my birthday elsewhere!!

Will be interesting when your DC comes along - maybe you can ask her for advice on how to keep a tally of the cost of your baby's birthday parties, so you can ensure they pay you back when they're an adult? Perhaps she has a spreadsheet template she can lend you?

Dunnowhat2do · 30/09/2020 20:22

Birthday person never pays in our family, but we would never expect a parent to foot the bill either - despite their efforts to pay for us all. In fact, we would insist they didn't pay - they did enough of that when we were younger and dependents. So any family meals would be split between my siblings.

BeanieB2020 · 30/09/2020 20:22

IMO the person whose birthday it is pays nothing. Usually on birthdays we split the cost of the birthday person's meal between us and each pay for our own meals.

Watermelon999 · 30/09/2020 20:24

My dm always insists on paying, and usually dh insists too, I just sit back and let them argue it out! It varies who wins! We would treat dm on her bday, but otherwise it’s fairly relaxed. No siblings though so different situation.

Mil and fil are a bit more inclined to let us pay or split it down to the nearest penny. I think it’s so they can brag to friends that they’ve been treated! Funnily enough they have more money than my dm.

lioncitygirl · 30/09/2020 20:24

In my own family : me and my brother split the Bill for everything as my little sister doesn’t earn much and we won’t let my parents pay for anything.

In husbands family : he pays for everything as his family don’t have much.

Newmumatlast · 30/09/2020 20:25

In our family the birthday person never pays. In fact, my parents often treat us to dinner if they have invited the whole family out even though both my sibling and I have higher family incomes and of course always offer to pay. We will treat our parents too at other times.

Notthetoothfairy · 30/09/2020 20:26

DM sounds like a real CF and I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday with her, let alone pay for the privilege! My parents always treated me when we went out and I always plan to do the same for my children (regardless of whose birthday it is).

LG101 · 30/09/2020 20:27

Please do credit card roulette, you all pull out your card and then the waitress gets to pick the card from the cards. Doesn’t solve your problem with the parents being funny about money and acting like a family but I would love to know the outcome if you suggested it!

Covert19 · 30/09/2020 20:27

In general, I think whoever issues the invitation pays.

If you are inviting people to celebrate your birthday with you, you pay. If your Mum asks to take you out for your birthday, she pays.

Throckmorton · 30/09/2020 20:32

So hang on - the four of you always go for dinner for everyone's birthdays, but regardless of whose birthday it is, you and your brother always pay, and your parent's never do?! Er, the fuck?!

diddl · 30/09/2020 20:32

but if your mum equates being bought something to feeling appreciated-doesn't she think that that applies to anyone else?

mrsm43s · 30/09/2020 20:40

@Covert19

In general, I think whoever issues the invitation pays.

If you are inviting people to celebrate your birthday with you, you pay. If your Mum asks to take you out for your birthday, she pays.

I would say exactly this ^ You invite in lieu of hosting a party - you pay You are invited as treat for your birthday - they pay.

However, I suspect this has just become a family tradition where its assumed that everyone is going out, and so there's not really one person doing the inviting. On that basis, I'd say splitting the bill equally would be best. If your DF doesn't want to do that, he can always offer to pick up the whole bill!

That said, once I'd reached an age where I could afford to pay for my parents, I wanted to, because I recognised how much they had done for me over the years. So we'd have the opposite argument to the one you are having -we'd all want to pick up the whole tab!

Emeraldshamrock · 30/09/2020 20:40

Whoever's Birthday it is they and their DH/DC are treated to a meal and drinks.
The rest of us split the bill at the end of the night, without fail once the bill is cleared the birthday person gets a cash round in as a thank you.
I miss the days of pubs and restaurants hating level 3 lockdown