Who pays for birthday meals?

[Dontjumptoconclusions]

Within immediate family with grown up kids?

For everyone's birthday in our family of four (mum, dad, brother 27 and me 29), we always go out for dinner, it's just something we always do and we love it.

But every time either my brother or I have our birthday dinner, there's a big faff and deal about who pays, caused by DM (which started since a few years ago when DM found out I earn around the same as DDad)

During parents birthday, its a given that me or DBrother pays, which is fine. We are all employed and happy to pay for the birthday person,and I split the bill with DBro.

My AIBU is this :
I am turning 30 this year. Again there is a faff about "who is paying for dinner?" which DM wants to agree before we go anywhere.

The correct answer is that I will pay for everyone (approx £150), if not, there are arguments about how ungrateful we are, they paid for all our birthdays when we were younger, we can afford it etc.

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

I just thought that someone else would offer to pay since its a milestone and I'm due to have a baby in 4 weeks (so obviously saving).

We don't have an option to pay for ourselves individually because DDad hates us acting like we are "not a family". Only strangers separate the bill(???)

My parents financial situation is fine, and so is mine and my bro's. If that helps, so we can all afford the £150 meal.

I just need some ideas, what does everyone else do within immediate family with grown up kids when it comes to special occasions?

YABU - don't expect anyone to pay for you.
YANBU - its your birthday, you should be treated.

Mum has always been a parent who puts her children first which I am forever grateful for. But I feel like she expected reciprocation later in life. So when I'm with DH living my own adult life, she feels neglected.

I think one of the main turning points was her finding out I'm on the same salary as DF. He works irregular night shifts on his feet, whilst I have a 9-5 "cushy" job sitting at a desk. She feels he works harder than me, so I should pay for things.

Birthdays are just the title of this thread, but in general whenever we go out and money is involved for lunch/coffee/cab, she just looks expectantly at me. And like PP have said, it just ruins it.

Im very happy to pay, and love treating my bro, DH, friends etc but the expectation ruins it. I've avoided going out to places where money is involved, because of this reason.

I treated Dbro to a holiday for his 21st, and for so long she went on about when I'm taking her on holiday? I asked "are we paying for ourselves?" and she replied with a grin "you can pay for me lol"

Urhhhhhhhhh!!!!

There are 9 of us in the local family - my family of 4, DBs family of 4 and DM.
DM never pays for anything, apart from her birthday when it ends in a zero. Never says thank you when her meal is paid for. There's just an expectation that she does not pay for stuff anymore. So either DB or I pay, or we split the bill. I am crap at remembering whose turn it is to pay, so I always offer. I have no idea if I am paying 50% of the time or 90% of the time.
When DM moved to a flat a few years ago, we offered to lend her some money to fill the gap between her house sale and the flat purchase. She then started being all weird and acting as if we had gifted her the money, not loaned. It was very odd.
She has a fortune sitting in the bank but acts like she is a pauper. But she's been tight her whole life.

I really feel for you. Absolutely exasperating and gross to be honest.

My dm started doing this as did mil and I avoid doing anything with them apart from Sunday afternoon tea at my house as anything else is a hefty bill which I can't afford.

I should say this was after repeatedly being left with 150 pound, 200 pound bills which I was not expecting, had not offered etc etc.

Could not be arsed with this drama every birthday meal!
Just make it so that the payer is the one with the last birthday, so you’re always paying it forward. Equal payment, and the birthday person is always “treated”.

I honestly actually mind paying for my DM every time. What I mind is the expectation and the lack of thanks.

I actually DON'T mind - sorry!

To be honest my mum always makes dad get out his credit card