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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for birthday meals?

108 replies

Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/09/2020 19:22

Within immediate family with grown up kids?

For everyone's birthday in our family of four (mum, dad, brother 27 and me 29), we always go out for dinner, it's just something we always do and we love it.

But every time either my brother or I have our birthday dinner, there's a big faff and deal about who pays, caused by DM (which started since a few years ago when DM found out I earn around the same as DDad)

During parents birthday, its a given that me or DBrother pays, which is fine. We are all employed and happy to pay for the birthday person,and I split the bill with DBro.

My AIBU is this :
I am turning 30 this year. Again there is a faff about "who is paying for dinner?" which DM wants to agree before we go anywhere.

The correct answer is that I will pay for everyone (approx £150), if not, there are arguments about how ungrateful we are, they paid for all our birthdays when we were younger, we can afford it etc.

DM believes that love is expressed through money and feels giddy with joy when her kids pay for her, buy her expensive Christmas presents etc. She feels loved and important.

I just thought that someone else would offer to pay since its a milestone and I'm due to have a baby in 4 weeks (so obviously saving).

We don't have an option to pay for ourselves individually because DDad hates us acting like we are "not a family". Only strangers separate the bill(???)

My parents financial situation is fine, and so is mine and my bro's. If that helps, so we can all afford the £150 meal.

I just need some ideas, what does everyone else do within immediate family with grown up kids when it comes to special occasions?

YABU - don't expect anyone to pay for you.
YANBU - its your birthday, you should be treated.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/10/2020 07:04

Does your father offer to pay, as in does he try to take a stand about wishing to pay?

HollowTalk · 01/10/2020 07:10

So you pay when it's your birthday and you pay when it's her birthday? When the hell does she pay?

ZoomRoom · 01/10/2020 07:13

Huge battle to pay for anything, DM insists she pays. I have slyly paid before she has chance 'just going to the bathroom...' but she's wise to this now!

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2020 07:15

I really don't like your mum's mercenary attitude. I wouldn't go out with her very much if I were you.

LolaSmiles · 01/10/2020 07:19

I'm not sure what the answer is because there's many possible solutions, but I don't like your mum's attitude that if it's her birthday you pay and if it's your birthday you pay.
I don't like parents who think adult children should be spoiling them and funding then.

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 01/10/2020 07:23

Its your birthday you should not be spending a penny. I would just say im not attending as I'm being treated by x friend or husband. Its not a treat if you have to pay. Your parents should be paying regardless of the event in my opinion. Thats awful. I had an aunty who took me out for a birthday meal and insisted we went to a particular restaurant. I didnt really want to go as I had just given birth so wasn't overly interested in my birthday. Got to the restaurant and i had to pay for my meal! I thought it was extremely rude!

ToastyCrumpet · 01/10/2020 07:26

I would arrange something with your brother and not invite your mother.

WhoseThatGirl · 01/10/2020 07:28

When it’s all of you split the bill. If you want you can take your mum out for a ‘treat’ every now and then as well.

Rover83 · 01/10/2020 07:28

In our family the person who does the inviting does the paying. So I text my mum and asked if they want to go out for lunch for my DD birthday so I will pay, if she asks me out for lunch then she would pay

TitsOutForHarambe · 01/10/2020 07:29

I'm sorry but your mum is a cheeky cow. Don't pay for her on your birthday when you already paid for her on her birthday. Most normal, considerate people in her position would offer to pay.

If she thinks that love is shown with money then where is her love for her children? Or is that just a shitty excuse for her to guilt trip you into paying for everything.

Maybe she shouldn't come to the meal at all if she isn't prepared to contribute anything.

WhoseThatGirl · 01/10/2020 07:31

To answer the actual question in our family we split the bill minus the birthday person. My mother sometimes insists on pay for exactly what she’s had which is a little ridiculous in by book.

VictoriaBun · 01/10/2020 07:31

Split 4 ways , and suggest it works like that from now on.

Mittens030869 · 01/10/2020 07:36

** I don't really see the relevance of her being Sahm/not working due to ill health - which is true for me too btw. As you said it's "family money" how your parents work their finances is up to them.

But she is out of order expecting on her birthday she doesn't pay and on your birthday or anyone else's birthday she doesn't pay...

She can't have it all ways!**

*This. And I’m also a SAHM due to health issues (and adopted DDs, one of whom has SEN). But it isn’t relevant here, and if all your DM’s DC are adults she isn’t a SAHM anyway. But she is a prize CF.

I would go to a restaurant where you can use Tesco club card points to cover all the meals and everyone pays for their own alcoholic drinks.

However, I personally wouldn’t want to go at all, with her behaving in this entitled way.

KatherineOfGaunt · 01/10/2020 07:36

My dad always pays whenever we eat out, unless it's his birthday, then my mum pays. We do offer but he just pays the whole thing.

I would pay if I was taking my mum out for Mothering Sunday or her birthday.

It's weird your mum getting "giddy" about having someone else pay for her meal for their birthday. I don't see how she doesn't realise other people would like that looked-after feeling too on their special day.

I'd agree with DB beforehand that when the bill comes, you each pay for roughly what you've eaten (so a quarter each if just you four, or if you both have partners there too then each pay a third) then sit back and let your parents pay for their own. I'd explain about finances and saving for the baby. If you can get your partner to pay for your share as well as their own and say "My treat, as it's your 30th" then all the better.

Laughingcrow · 01/10/2020 07:42

İf it was us with my kids we would pay the meal. Regardless to who's birthday it is. However, if i was with my parents it would be split between everyone par the birthday person. Reluctantly as they would prefer me to pay it all. But i wont

Laughingcrow · 01/10/2020 07:43

İn your case i just wouldn't go and do something with your DH instead

MerchantOfVenom · 01/10/2020 07:49

Sorry OP, but your Mum really isn’t coming across well.

I remember when I first met DH and went over to Ireland to meet his parents. I’d never been there before. The approach there is soooo different to the one you’re describing.

There, family members fight TO pay, take people’s wallets off them, insist on paying and won’t let people put their hands in their pockets.

There is something really appealing about that generosity of spirit.

And the thing is, that you sound generous, and happy to shout your parents. But your mother’s meanness and blatant double standards (she should be shouted, but God forbid she returns the favour) are dragging you down to her tight level.

HandfulofDust · 01/10/2020 08:02

In our family birthday person wouldn't pay other people would split the bill (unless someone couldn't afford it then someone would probably offer to foot the entire bill).

Lots of families have different set ups but if you and dbro treat your parents for their birthdays they should return the favour. Your mum sounds weird and unreasonable about money. I guess you should just consider whether this is something you can change about her or whether it's something annoying you'll just accept.

HandfulofDust · 01/10/2020 08:03

My mil is similar in expressing love through money and loves expensive gifts But she reciprocate with expensive gifts in return (even when we don't want them)!

liveitwell · 01/10/2020 08:05

The same rule so should apply for everyone. So if children pay for parents birthday meals then parents should pay for children's birthday meals.

Their role as parents was to pay for you when you were growing up they shouldn't use that against you. Your DM sounds ridiculous tbh.

BGDino · 01/10/2020 12:37

Generally when DH, my DB and SIL go out for dinner with my DP, my DF insists on paying for everyone, DH and I will pay for everyone if we can persuade DF to let us. If it’s just us kids DH and I usually pay, we earn far more than DB and SIL but they always offer and we relent if they absolutely insist. When I go out to a cafe with my DM (and now DD, though she BYOs Wink) I always pay - being able to treat her makes me happy - both she and I can easily afford it but she has learned I won’t agree to her paying. (Now I tell her that me treating her is paying back all the help she gives me with DD Smile).

unmarkedbythat · 01/10/2020 12:44

I wouldn't want to spend my birthdays with someone who behaved like your DM so this wouldn't be an issue.

bridgetreilly · 01/10/2020 12:46

If she feels money is an expression of love then obviously she and/or your father should be paying for you on your birthday.

Scbchl · 01/10/2020 12:52

So your mum feels her children should pay for not only her and your dads bday meals but also for your own due to her paying when you were children? Well that's a piss take considering shes the one who chose to have you. How entitled of her.

LindaEllen · 01/10/2020 14:02

This probably sounds awful, but we always go out as a 6 (me, brother, parents and grandparents) and my grandad ALWAYS pays for the meal. If I so much as try to buy a round of drinks at the bar he'll slip £20 in my pocket at the end of the evening.

He is well off, has a great pension and has more money than he knows what to do with - and there's no point arguing with him over who pays, as he always insists.

If I'm with my parents we take it in turns, if I'm just with my brother we split.

On birthdays it would always be the group of 6, so Grandad would pay. I personally don't believe that the person who's birthday it is should pay.

I don't think it matters WHO pays, so long as you agree. If there's arguments then the sensible thing would surely be just to split. I know that I couldn't afford to pay for a family of 6 at the moment, so if I had to pay on my own birthday I just wouldn't plan anything.

So yeah, make sure it's agreed in advance, but I think it makes more sense to split.