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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell SIL I'm pregnant

103 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 13:46

Not really an AIBU but posting here for traffic (I presume that is allowed??)

Im pregnant with my second child. Sooner or later DH and I need to tell my SiL, his DS. She has been having fertility issues and has struggled to conceive for a couple of years. Covid halted her fertility treatment. I can only imagine what she is going through and want to tell her our news as gently as possible. It was somewhat of a suprise pregnancy for us so SiL won't be expecting our news. DH thinks we can just announce in the family WhatsApp group but I think this is insensitive and I need to somehow prepare SiL. Any advice? I dont feel especially comfortable phoning her as I think this puts her on the spot.

OP posts:
Twigletfairy · 30/09/2020 13:48

Send her a private message. Don't mention it was a surprise pregnancy, just give her a heads up and then give her space

JustGetThroughTheDay · 30/09/2020 13:49

Defo don't do what your husband suggests. I had to do it with my sil it was hard. I told my brother initially and he had to tell her. They were really upset but tried really hard not to let us see it.

WeAreVeryAmused · 30/09/2020 13:49

Could DH tell his Mum and then ask her to break it gently to his DSis? I think going indirect might be the best bet because then DSis doesn't have to worry about having to do a happy reaction if you see what I mean?

Lantern156 · 30/09/2020 13:51

People generally advise that you tell people by text, so they don’t have to react right away. I would send her a private message before announcing to family so she doesn’t have to put on a show for everyone. I would get your DH to text and say something like

‘Hi sis, we just wanted to let you know before everyone else that Unicorn is pregnant. If you need a bit of time or space that fine - we’re always here for you when you’re ready’ or something like that.

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 13:51

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers talking from experience, it's best done face to face. You could say, we wanted to tell you first. That way she gas time to digest it before every one knows.
Good luck. X

TinySleepThief · 30/09/2020 13:51

DH thinks we can just announce in the family WhatsApp group

Yikes, is your DH always so insensitive!

You're 100% right to broach it with her beforehand and to not phone her. Sending her a message privately would be the bets option I think so she can take time to process the news and formulate a response. This would also allow her the chance to prepare for comments from other probably well meaning relatives l, which wouldn't be possible if she found out at the same time as everyone else.

Swampshade · 30/09/2020 13:51

@WeAreVeryAmused

Could DH tell his Mum and then ask her to break it gently to his DSis? I think going indirect might be the best bet because then DSis doesn't have to worry about having to do a happy reaction if you see what I mean?
I couldn't disagree more. Hearing bad news from a third party always hurts more. Not to mention, SIL would know the family were talking about her and pitying her and that would just be soul destroying.
StCharlotte · 30/09/2020 13:51

I've been on the other end of this and all I would say is please don't tell her it was unplanned/a surprise/not even trying.

And congratulations Smile

EL8888 · 30/09/2020 13:53

Another vote for private message. Group Whatsaap chat or video call or similar is a big no. Still to the facts and be brief. No offence she really doesn’t want to know (or care!) that it’s a surprise

EL8888 · 30/09/2020 13:54

@Swampshade exactly

Emeraldshamrock · 30/09/2020 13:54

It is very sad for SIL. I agree with pp's tell her first maybe on the phone not in person.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

bethany39 · 30/09/2020 13:54

Agree with those saying send a private message/text, direct from you or DH. Don't do it face to face - she'll have to put on a happy reaction for you.

Putting it on the family WhatsApp is horribly insensitive. I'd be really Hmm at my DP if he suggested that!

bethany39 · 30/09/2020 13:55

And yes fgs don't tell her it was a surprise!

Cocomarine · 30/09/2020 13:55

Is your husband generally a total dick?! 🙈

Thank goodness for you!

As him, does he think (a) his sister wants the ping ping ping of people saying congratulations to you or (b) the guilt of realising the responses are low key and that might be for her benefit?

I would say tell him to text him sister 1:1 but given his stupidity you might need to write that text for him 🙄

Congratulations!

Poochnewbie · 30/09/2020 13:55

Do not tell her face to face... a pp suggested a message above telling the news and then saying you understand if they need space. In my opinion this is best... having been on the receiving end of this news. I would really have appreciated that as opposed to being made to stand in front of them and extended family and unwrap their scan photo on Christmas Day as my gift.

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 13:56

Thanks for the advice.

We absolutely would never tell her that it was a suprise! I just mentioned that to convey that this will be unexpected news for her.

OP posts:
nibdedibble · 30/09/2020 13:56

Don’t say ‘I realise this will be hard for you to hear‘ - it might not be. People who are having difficulty conceiving aren’t always bitter about other people’s babies. This used to wind me up no end.

Agree also don’t say ‘ooh he just has to look at me and I get pregnant!’ or anything like that.

Maybe tell her privately then go public? Seems kindest and least offensive.

Terrace58 · 30/09/2020 13:58

Tell her privately and separately. Don’t do it at a time she has to be around the family right away. A phone call or text is fine, but don’t do a big group announcement.

It’s an experience of mixed emotions. Being elated for your sibling and excited about a niece or nephew, while also being reminded of your own struggle. I was legitimately happy for my younger sister, but I still needed a few good crying sessions when she told me she was pregnant.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 30/09/2020 13:59

As the person with fertility issues and having been on the recurring end of this, I agree with PP.
ideally your DH, her brother, would be more understanding and would be the one to send her a private message, telling her that you're pregnant, you know this will be hard to hear and you'll be adding it to the family group tomorrow but wanted her to be aware first.

If your DH can't do that, you should send the message and point out to your DH that he is being an insensitive arse.

Woofbloodywoof · 30/09/2020 14:00

You are very thoughtful OP.
I’d definitely give her a call or see if you can tell her face to face and then after you’ve done that break it to your family at large.
I have been in your SIL’s shoes and it was interesting how insensitive some people were announcing pregnancies (ex-best friend) and how amazingly kind some people were. Thing is, it’s painful when you are TTC and having a hard time but honestly when people you care about get lucky and break their news kindly you are genuinely pleased for them. Thanks for thinking about your DSIL - you’d be surprised how many people don’t consider this.
And huge congratulations on your pregnancy!

peachypetite · 30/09/2020 14:01

Don’t know why people are suggesting face to face. That puts her on the spot and her reaction will be in front of you. Send a text or whatsapp message but not in the group chat!

HyacynthBucket · 30/09/2020 14:03

What about an old fashioned card with the news in it, gently put, before everyone else knows. That might seem more personal as if you are thinking of her.

TinySleepThief · 30/09/2020 14:04

Don’t know why people are suggesting face to face. That puts her on the spot and her reaction will be in front of you.

I agree, I would imagine face to face would be almost worse than reading it in the family chat as her reaction with you in front of her will have to be positive and instant. That might actually be her reaction but its a huge risk when it's just as likely all she wants to do is shout about unfair it is and cry.

Trousersareoverrated · 30/09/2020 14:06

From experience I would say message her when you know she is at home. She can then have a little cry before pulling herself together to respond. Don’t go over the top but acknowledge that you know it might not be easy for her if you feel like you are close enough to her to do so. Try not to mention it on the family WhatsApp at all.

Trousersareoverrated · 30/09/2020 14:08

I worried and worried about telling a friend of mine but it turned out she was pregnant too (after a long time trying) and we had babies days apart. Fingers crossed for a similar outcome for your SIL.