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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell SIL I'm pregnant

103 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 13:46

Not really an AIBU but posting here for traffic (I presume that is allowed??)

Im pregnant with my second child. Sooner or later DH and I need to tell my SiL, his DS. She has been having fertility issues and has struggled to conceive for a couple of years. Covid halted her fertility treatment. I can only imagine what she is going through and want to tell her our news as gently as possible. It was somewhat of a suprise pregnancy for us so SiL won't be expecting our news. DH thinks we can just announce in the family WhatsApp group but I think this is insensitive and I need to somehow prepare SiL. Any advice? I dont feel especially comfortable phoning her as I think this puts her on the spot.

OP posts:
tornadoalley · 30/09/2020 15:33

I'd private message her, or maybe send a card with a nice handwritten message, and acknowledge her current issues, and hope she can soon have the news she wants? Just saying you have an understanding of how difficult it is for her to hear news of other pregnancies, is a kind thing to do

rainbowtea23 · 30/09/2020 15:33

I’ve had better birthdays! Should have added also got the oh it wasn’t planned line as well Hmm

keeprocking · 30/09/2020 15:37

Because I am seriously old I wouldn't tell her via a text or message, it seems very cold. If you don't want to tell her face to face then maybe a phone call, she would then be able to process the news in private. We had a similar situation many years ago, our close friends had gone through a still-birth and we were just starting on Number 2, it's a very difficult thing to have to do or to hear.

twinmum2017 · 30/09/2020 15:40

Not face to face, it's so hard trying to be happy and positive when all you want to do is cry.

Send her a message, don't mention it being a surprise, just short and sweet 'we just wanted to let you know that we are expecting another baby'. She can shed her tears in private and then give you the reaction she would really want to give. I was always happy for everyone but my overwhelming sadness that it still wasn't my turn was the winning emotion.

christinarossetti19 · 30/09/2020 15:41

You sound very thoughtful OP.

Imvhe, one of the awful things about struggling to conceive/baby loss is how it gradually makes so many areas of life 'no go'. Friend at work pregnant - avoid talking to her. Family member pregnant - avoid family gatherings. Neighbour - check out of the window before you open the front door. Etc, etc, etc.

If your family whatsapp group is one which you all use alot or a main means of communication, I would discuss with your husband the possibility of agreeing not to mention your pregnancy at all on there and letting your SIL and rest of the family know that's what you intend to do. This should reduce your and her anxiety about posting the usual type of stuff on there.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:45

@Marmitecrackers

For god's sake don't put it in the group chat full stop. Message everyone individually so she doesn't have to see all of the congratulations messages. She doesn't need it thrust in her face.

Text her so if she wants a good cry she doesn't have to pretend to be nice.

For God’s sake, read the thread. OP has already said she will walking everyone individually.
PrettyinPink80 · 30/09/2020 15:49

I've been your SIL. When my friends or family ever had to tell me they were pregnant they never sent a text because I had that happen once and it was awful. Please don't text. You don't know where she will be or what she will be doing when she reads it. I once read one and I had just done a pregnancy test which was negative, then I'd thrown up from crying and then had to try to get ready for work. When I got the text just I had to call in sick as it was just the wrong time to be told as i wanted to be happy for the person that's telling me their happy news! . Everyone is different of course. You know her best so tell her your way but I always think face to face is better. Just you and her. Choose you moment, a calm one when you know she has nothing to do or anywhere to go after you tell her. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it goes OK and that one day becomes a mother herself x

Zuzu5 · 30/09/2020 15:49

You seem very considerate and caring OP I think whatever u decide will be OK. Keep us posted how it went x

twinmum2017 · 30/09/2020 15:54

OP - reading @PrettyinPink80s post reminds me that everyone is different. We can only give our experiences.

I still think in person is the hardest, especially if it's a shock. Maybe a message at a time you know she will be at home not about to head out anywhere?

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 15:54

Text message is far and away how people struggling to conceive want to be told. It isn’t cold. It’s considerate.

Don’t say it’ll be tough news to hear-it’s awful not being able to reschedule normally to happy news without having that shoved in your face. Just keep it factual and short.

For goodness sakes, don’t message the rest of the family to be considerate. Awful, awful suggestion.

Do not share scan pictures on the WhatsApp chat. Do that privately with people who will want to see them. They’re the absolute worst thing to see when all you want to see it your own. Some totally thoughtless friend sent me her scan video knowing full well how scan pictures upset me.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 30/09/2020 16:00

@Lantern156

People generally advise that you tell people by text, so they don’t have to react right away. I would send her a private message before announcing to family so she doesn’t have to put on a show for everyone. I would get your DH to text and say something like

‘Hi sis, we just wanted to let you know before everyone else that Unicorn is pregnant. If you need a bit of time or space that fine - we’re always here for you when you’re ready’ or something like that.

I really like this as a message.
Doingmybest4u · 30/09/2020 16:01

Tricky - I have a very good friend who has long standing fertility issues. I messaged her in advance and acknowledged that I wanted to let her know before announcing it to everyone as it I knew it was triggering for her given the challenges she is facing. She really appreciated it. We had previously talked about her range of emotions when such announcements are made though, so it depends on your relationship with SIL.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 16:04

‘Hi sis, we just wanted to let you know before everyone else that Unicorn is pregnant. If you need a bit of time or space that fine - we’re always here for you when you’re ready’ or something like that.

I wouldn’t say you’re telling her first. I wouldn’t say anything about the time and space either. I don’t want someone who is pregnant to “always be there” for me.

Ro198 · 30/09/2020 16:05

I have been in this situation as someone struggling to conceive. Please don’t do it face to face, it really hurts, even when the person has no idea what you’re going through. When that person does know it must feel even worse!

Text message it much better as it gives you time to adjust to the shock and not worry about your expression and reaction being judged. I’m sure she will be happy for you but it’s so hard to show it sometimes because of conflicted feelings.

Hahaha88 · 30/09/2020 16:05

Face to face or video call is the worse. My sil told us recently by video call she was pregnant and it was awful. Instant tears for me I had to walk away immediately before she saw. Its not that she was being insensitive, we have been ttc for almost 2 years but but it's not something we discuss so she didn't know, but I would definitely say a private text would be the best way forward.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 16:29

Thanks all.

I'll send a text, when I know she's at home with DH and inform the rest of the family separately. Seems like the most considerate way. She's not very forthcoming about her fertility struggles (nor should she be, each to their own) so I think saying much more than that im pregnant probably isn't the way to go.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 16:30

That’s a good plan op. Just remember if she’s upset, it’s not with you, it’s her own situation.

You sound really considerate and kind.

Devlesko · 30/09/2020 16:35

Is there not an older member of the family that does this?
It's usually mil. They get to relay all the difficult announcements and messages.
I'm the mil now, have noticed this with mine already.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 16:35

@Devlesko

Is there not an older member of the family that does this? It's usually mil. They get to relay all the difficult announcements and messages. I'm the mil now, have noticed this with mine already.
Absolutely awful idea. Awful.

Please do not get another family member to break the news.

Devlesko · 30/09/2020 16:37

PurpleDasies

Each to their own, might not be a decision for the OP, but some families do work like this, quite successfully.
I thought it worth a mention. Hardly an "absolutely awful idea"

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 16:39

It is an awful idea.

It’s shit enough to have people start threads about how to tell you how that their pregnant but it’s about a hundred times worse for them to engage their mother in law to do it for them.

Bikingbear · 30/09/2020 16:40

Good plan OP a private too the point very casual text.
I still remember crying when my SIL announced a pregnancy within 5 weeks of her wedding. We'd been TTC for about 2 years by then. DH was told over the phone by either MIL or SIL I was sitting right beside him at the time. I'm wouldn't be surprised if the news bearer could hear me cry.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 30/09/2020 16:44

I agree with the text and making sure her DH is home for her in case she needs some support.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't let anyone pretend it isn't a big deal for you elsewhere, though; you're entitled to be happy and celebrate.

notalwaysalondoner · 30/09/2020 16:51

I’d also tell everyone else privately so she doesn’t have to deal with all the congratulations on the family WhatsApp. I have friends who are having babies and constantly posting on our group chats and it’s so hard for me as I don’t want to constantly be reminded that they have babies and I don’t. But at least they don’t know I’ve had problems trying - if they did it despite knowing that would be awful. So just message everyone individually or call them (but not her, message her so she can process).

Roselilly36 · 30/09/2020 16:52

Congrats OP, that is lovely news and you are kind to be considerate of your SIL’s feelings which is understandable in the circumstances, but however she is told the news it will be difficult for her. You know her best, perhaps she may take the news better from her mum, if they are close. If you have a good relationship perhaps it will come better from you. Do what you think is right. There is no way to soften it. I hope your SIL has some happy news of her own soon.