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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell SIL I'm pregnant

103 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 13:46

Not really an AIBU but posting here for traffic (I presume that is allowed??)

Im pregnant with my second child. Sooner or later DH and I need to tell my SiL, his DS. She has been having fertility issues and has struggled to conceive for a couple of years. Covid halted her fertility treatment. I can only imagine what she is going through and want to tell her our news as gently as possible. It was somewhat of a suprise pregnancy for us so SiL won't be expecting our news. DH thinks we can just announce in the family WhatsApp group but I think this is insensitive and I need to somehow prepare SiL. Any advice? I dont feel especially comfortable phoning her as I think this puts her on the spot.

OP posts:
GreySkyClouds · 30/09/2020 14:09

So, I’m (hopefully) going to need to do thus in a few days. I’ve had my own fertility struggles for the past two years that I haven’t really shared, as they are not to the same extent As SIL.

Is the general consensus text or FaceTime (in lieu of face to face).

Odile13 · 30/09/2020 14:12

Definitely a no on the family WhatsApp group. I agree that ideally your DH should tell her privately. But it sounds like he might not be sensitive or maybe they’re not that close? Perhaps as others have suggested he could send her a private message.

Also, I’m sure you wouldn’t, but don’t put ultrasound pictures in the family group either. This can be traumatising if you’ve previously seen ultrasound images of your own that were bad news.

CounsellorTroi · 30/09/2020 14:16

Message her privately so she can digest the news without having to react immediately.

Supersimkin2 · 30/09/2020 14:19

Hmm, a bit OTT re banning updates or scan pix. SIL's issues don't trump the existence of a new family member.

nibdedibble · 30/09/2020 14:20

Oh god, TOTALLY agree about ultrasound pics. I’m years past fertility issues and still find them upsetting.

serialreturner · 30/09/2020 14:20

@Trousersareoverrated has a good point - though it'd be weird not to ever mention on the family (she'll feel like you're all talking about it behind her back/ feeling sorry for her/ walking on eggshells) WhatsApp group but I'd be having a word with all the family - or rather DH should, but it seems he isn't the best candidate for sensitivity....

Something along the lines of

"We're really happy that I'm pregnant again but are very aware of SIL/BIL situation and we don't want to rub their noses in it. Please, please be sensitive to their feelings until they can get their heads around it".

Good luck and you sound lovely - congratulations.

There's another thread running where the OP is in a similar situation to your SIL and a "friend" totally and cruelly screwed up telling her the same news.

Maybe show that to your DH on how NOT to do it.

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 30/09/2020 14:26

Thanks all.

I think I'll casually ask if she and her DH will be home tonight and if so text them both then.

We can tell the rest of the family separately without having to put anything on the group WhatsApp.

I've been putting it off but its getting obvious now and we are keen to tell MiL etc and don't feel we can keep SiL in the dark.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 30/09/2020 14:31

A message when you know she'll be at home. I've never entirely forgiven someone who sent an email in work hours to say that she had accidentally fallen pregnant with dc3 when I'd just had miscarriage number 3. I had to make a swift exit from the office for a cry as it was just rubbing it in. Around the same time someone else took the time to phone me in the evening to say she was pg, and knew it would be upsetting but wanted me to know first outside immediate family, and I really appreciated that

Metallicalover · 30/09/2020 14:32

I agree with the message prior and don't mention it being a surprise!
I don't know why people are suggesting face to face!
One example: My best friend told me face to face and it was the way she looked as she looked sad for me and I could tell she was dreading it as it was a surprise pregnancy! I cried! As I was upset she was dreading to tell me and didn't want her feel like that, I was happy for her and I was just getting prepared to start IVF as well! The whole of that combined with me being a sensitive soul anyway made me cry! I would have been much better with a phone call or a message!

Also the mentioning of barring updates etc there's no need to stop this, just because shes struggling to conceive doesn't mean she wouldn't want to know if you or the baby are ok!
Baby will be her niece or nephew! People just don't need the whole 9 yards or little updates!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/09/2020 14:41

Yet another poster here suggesting you text her at a time when she'll be able to react to it in whatever way she needs to, before having to put a brave face on it, so at home in the evening seems like a great plan.

And yes, text IS the best way - I know it's not supposed to be in most circumstances, but this is different - people want to be able to react positively (most of them, anyway) but the heart-blow it can be makes that difficult in the moment!

And I agree that you don't need to post ultrasound pics to the whatsapp group - send them individually if people are interested enough to see them but there's no need to have them on the group chat. It's not "banning" them - it's being sensitive to another's feelings. They're not essential.

Good luck with the text and congratulations on your pregnancy! Thanks

(Oh and give your DH a swift kick for being such an arse!)

justasking111 · 30/09/2020 14:46

Oh my friend at work had just had two miscarriages so we told her OH privately she did not speak to me at work after that until she got pregnant again and gave birth.

My SIL when I got pregnant 1 and 2 found it so hard to cope she avoided us completely. When I had a surprise pregnancy 3rd we did not see her for a year.

Do not underestimate the pain this will cause keep it private for her sake for a couple of weeks so that she can put on a brave face.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2020 14:59

Text her privately and tell her. Tell her also that you'll be telling the family at large the next day. That will let her know that she has a bit of breathing space before the 'pings' and phone calls ("Did you know...?") begin.

Please don't add to the family announcement to 'be kind' to SiL. It may get back to her and it comes off a bit pitying and condescending.

And if SiL & BiL need to 'back away' from you and DH for a bit, please be understanding. It took my BFF about 3 months to come to terms with my pregnancy. Unbeknownst to me she had been told she would never have a child the same day I told her I was pregnant.

rainbowtea23 · 30/09/2020 15:02

I’ve also been on the receiving end and despite knowing our problems and several miscarriages I unwrapped a scan photo on my birthday at dinner in front of the whole family. It’s possibly the most insensitive experience I’ve ever had. As happy as I was for them I was mortified as everyone went silent and stared at me. Fair enough if they hadn’t know we had problems but the fact they did just reinforced how self centred they were. This was several years ago and our contact is now minimal.

Mittens030869 · 30/09/2020 15:03

Firstly, you sound like a lovely SIL to be thinking about her feelings. Speaking as someone who went through fertility treatment and discovered I was infertile (my DH and I adopted our DDs), I would advise telling her on her own first rather than just announcing your news in the family WhatsApp group.

But at the same time, don’t make an issue of it. Your SIL will be happy for you, and congratulate you, but it will still sting. However, she won’t want you to try too hard to make her feel better.

I heard quite a number of pregnancy announcements during those days, including from my DSis and SIL, so I got used to it. It wasn’t easy, but I did want to know.

She’s going to find out. It will be painful for her, but she’ll adjust.

JenniferSantoro · 30/09/2020 15:05

Just don’t tell her in the way the poor woman on the other pregnancy thread was told.

dottiedodah · 30/09/2020 15:07

How close are you with her? If you are good friends as well as SIL then maybe tell her quietly over a coffee .If not so close, maybe best to tell MIL and let her break the news gently .You sound like a lovely caring person to me ,and congratulations to you on your pregnancy.Be happy for yourselves and enjoy it .SIL will probably feel upset however she is told ,but dont let that overshadow you.She will likely have friends who are expecting too .Its sad but one of those things really .Hopefully her turn will come and she will have a little Cousin for your DC!

Bumbers · 30/09/2020 15:08

Do not do it face to face!!!

As someone who has struggled with fertility issues over the last 4 years (although am now pregnant) that is the worst way to do it. I would rather the family whatsapp than that!

I think a private message, when you know she will be with partner and not e.g. at work.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/09/2020 15:09

I think face to face is too hard for her. I would probably send a text or phone call. If a phone call, I'd text first to to prepare her, saying you have news and when would be a good time to call. She will then be able to suspect/guess the news and prepare her reaction.

Also be sensitive about the timing - not when she's about to go out / to work - if you can.

MsSquiz · 30/09/2020 15:11

We were in an almost identical situation and DH went round to tell his sister face to face.
I chose not to be there as I knew she would be sad/cry that yet another family was pregnant and not her. (There has been a situation where she couldn't congratulate a family member on their pregnancy as she was so "bitter" - her words, not me being nasty) I also (selfishly) didn't want her sadness to take away from my happiness at being pregnant.

DH told her, she cried, she then was up most of the night crying about it and chose to text me the next morning to say she was "happy for our news, but had spent the night crying" and that she was sure she would be fine, but would probably cry a lot about it.
It mad me sad because that was the direct situation I had wanted to avoid, but I wouldn't change how we did it

Bibidy · 30/09/2020 15:15

I think it depends on your SIL's personality.

Personally, I would definitely want to be told via message rather than in person/on the phone to give me space to react. I wouldn't want to upset the person telling me by not being able to react with happiness straight away.

BUT I also wouldn't want anything like "We thought this might be hard for you/upset you etc etc" as it would embarrass me to think people were pitying me.

I'd just say something like "Hey, bit out of the blue I know, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. We're going to tell the rest of the family at the weekend (or whenever) but wanted to let you know first. Give me a call if you want to chat xx"

Not over the top but just giving her a head's up ahead of telling everyone else.

BGDino · 30/09/2020 15:19

Your DH is being insensitive.

As someone who has been on the journey that your SiL is on, thank you for being so considerate of her feelings.

Marmitecrackers · 30/09/2020 15:23

For god's sake don't put it in the group chat full stop. Message everyone individually so she doesn't have to see all of the congratulations messages. She doesn't need it thrust in her face.

Text her so if she wants a good cry she doesn't have to pretend to be nice.

AnotherEmma · 30/09/2020 15:24

@rainbowtea23

I’ve also been on the receiving end and despite knowing our problems and several miscarriages I unwrapped a scan photo on my birthday at dinner in front of the whole family. It’s possibly the most insensitive experience I’ve ever had. As happy as I was for them I was mortified as everyone went silent and stared at me. Fair enough if they hadn’t know we had problems but the fact they did just reinforced how self centred they were. This was several years ago and our contact is now minimal.
Fuck me Shock i think that's the most insensitive and selfish pregnancy announcement I've ever heard of. I'm sorry they did that! And sorry for your losses.

OP I agree you should tell SIL with a private message when she is likely to be at home. I would word it carefully but wouldn't make a big deal of it or say anything too patronising. I certainly wouldn't take it upon myself to tell the rest of the family to be sensitive! Hmm

tryingharder92 · 30/09/2020 15:25

@HEYAhhhhhhhhh

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers talking from experience, it's best done face to face. You could say, we wanted to tell you first. That way she gas time to digest it before every one knows. Good luck. X
When I was in this situation. I hated being told face to face or in public. A private message was so much better.
Odile13 · 30/09/2020 15:26

@rainbowtea23 I’m so sorry you had to go through that with scan photos! That must have been horrendous and mortifying.

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