How to tell SIL I'm pregnant

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Not really an AIBU but posting here for traffic (I presume that is allowed??)

Im pregnant with my second child. Sooner or later DH and I need to tell my SiL, his DS. She has been having fertility issues and has struggled to conceive for a couple of years. Covid halted her fertility treatment. I can only imagine what she is going through and want to tell her our news as gently as possible. It was somewhat of a suprise pregnancy for us so SiL won't be expecting our news. DH thinks we can just announce in the family WhatsApp group but I think this is insensitive and I need to somehow prepare SiL. Any advice? I dont feel especially comfortable phoning her as I think this puts her on the spot.

@Roselilly36

Congrats OP, that is lovely news and you are kind to be considerate of your SIL’s feelings which is understandable in the circumstances, but however she is told the news it will be difficult for her. You know her best, perhaps she may take the news better from her mum, if they are close. If you have a good relationship perhaps it will come better from you. Do what you think is right. There is no way to soften it. I hope your SIL has some happy news of her own soon.

I don’t agree that there’s no way to soften the news. If you’re told in person, you immediately have to put on a brave face and fake a happy congratulations while trying not to cry, that’s miles worse than a private, factual text message.

I think getting someone else to tell her is horrible. Like you don't want to face her upset if she shows any. Also, you've done nothing wrong so no need to hide. Do not tell her it wasn't planned as that is cruel and do people tell others when they are trying generally as you say she won't be expecting it?

Also, post where you like but everyone posting in AIBU when that's not the question means posts can get missed.

I wonder if people say "it wasn't planned" as they mean I didn't do it on purpose, which of course massively misses the point the way the other person could feel.

I'll re-itirate the private message to give her time to process it.

However im a bit miffed at the posters who have referred to it as receiving 'bad news'.

Pretty insensitive to the OP.

Yes it will be excruciatingly painful for the SIL but its definitely not 'bad news'.

Congratulations OP, i hope it goes ok.

Deffo text! Just had to do the same with a close friend who has battled with failed ivf attempts the last 5 years!

We text rather than tell in person to give her time to process it - she’s responded with how happy she is for us and can’t wait for baby to be here.

Deffo think a text is easier to handle then a real life chat

I have two friends in a very similar situation. When I got pregnant I sent them a message, not a call so they could process and cry / be angry etc if needed. It basically said this:

Hi, just to let know x is going to be big brother / big sister. You don’t need to reply to this message. Just wanted to let you know before it becomes common knowledge.

The leave it as that. When my brother announced they where pregnant after I had a mc I needed a good few days to feel ok about it. I was happy for them but sad for myself so maybe leave a day or two between messaging and then telling the family on wats app

Op I would echo what pp has said just text something like

' Hi ??? Just want to let you know that I'm pregnant, we will be telling everyone to pore, hope your well'

I think by saying I will give you time and space before we tell everyone else is making it a really big deal. Just play it down and keep it simple you can't tell her how to react or to take time it's putting her in an awkward position

Congratulations! Lovely of you to be concerned too. Interested here in the split of opinion on family WhatsApp group vs private message (though agree via mil or a call is a terrible idea!). I had fertility issues, and personally I would prefer a message on ten family WhatsApp - the pity (however well intentioned) of a private message can come across the wrong way. Plus, on WhatsApp she can just say congrats when she’s ready and then cry/rage whatever - it’s not like she has to put on a happy face in person. But sound like other people feel differently - at the end of the day you know her best!

I wouldn't put pity in the text. No need for comments like 'you don't need to reply' 'prior warning' 'you might be upset' etc.

If you really feel you want to acknowledge her struggles I'd word it as
'Hi SiL, How are things going?, Just wanted to let you know your going to be an Auntie or let you know we are due a baby in x month's

If she replies I'd maybe answer by 'I hope you get pregnant soon'

I've been the SIL. I had a friend (she knew our struggles) send me a a scan photo with the caption 'life update.' I couldn't believe the insensitivity of it but I let it slide.

A few months later she randomly sends me photos of her nursery and how much nesting she's doing.

Finally Due month rolls around and I get photos of her large bump and a barrage of messages bitching about how hard pregnancy is. I spent the evening in tears.

On the day she had the baby - her message 'you may want to rethink having kids. Worst day of my life.' Or something along those lines I deleted the message so I didn't dwell on it. I honestly would have ripped her a new asshole if her new born hadn't done it for me. Thankfully I had found out a couple of weeks prior I was finally pregnant with our little miracle. It was her only saving grace.

All in all - drop her a text message and leave the nitty-gritty details out. I'll be sending the same message to a close friend shortly who has just suffered a loss. Needless to say I won't be sending her my scan photo with 'life update.'

Best of luck and wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

From experience. Private message 1:1 a few days before telling the others. Something like ‘how are you? How’s x? Just wanted to let you know we found out I’m expecting. I’m 12 weeks. Haven’t told the family just yet but wanted to let you know.

I wouldn’t put anything pitying in the message to SIL because while she might be upset/want to cry etc it’s also entirely possible she might not.

I went through six years of TTC and while I wanted another baby it never occurred to me to be upset at other people’s pregnancies on the level that people should assume how devastated I would be.

Of course some people might be, but equally they might not be, and unless you know how badly they’ve been taking things assuming they’re going to be devastated is somewhat presumptuous.

I would keep it neutral. I would text her and just tell her you’re pregnant. It then takes account of the fact you wanted to tell her first, but doesn’t make the assumption as to how devastated she is going to be. She may be, but she may not be. Unless she’s been sharing with you just how hard this is you really can’t know.

And to an extent there is somewhat of an expectation as to how people should feel. I’ve seen numerous posts on here from people saying “my best friend was happy for me, but I’m sure she was just putting on a front.”when maybe they just were happy for them.

It’s important to consider how someone might feel but it’s also important not to essentially tell someone how they should be feeling.

Telling someone they “must be devastated” is as bad as telling someone they should just get over it. IMO.

Can I just say thank you for wanting to be considerate and asking for advice 👏🏼👏🏼 definitely don't announce it to the family at the same time, send her a message separately so she can process it on her own and in her own time. Infertility is HARD and it looks like you do have some understanding which is good. I've been on the receiving end of a family member not announcing their pregnancy in a sensitive way, and I completely broke down in front of everyone and didn't deal with it well

@rainbowtea23

I’ve also been on the receiving end and despite knowing our problems and several miscarriages I unwrapped a scan photo on my birthday at dinner in front of the whole family. It’s possibly the most insensitive experience I’ve ever had. As happy as I was for them I was mortified as everyone went silent and stared at me. Fair enough if they hadn’t know we had problems but the fact they did just reinforced how self centred they were. This was several years ago and our contact is now minimal.

Omg how cruel. I hope you went mad and/or stormed out. I wouldn't let them get away with that, that was undoubtedly intentional and done to hurt you

I just wanted to say that I'm quite jealous of your SIL. You sound absolutely lovely, and you've done everything you could to announce this in as sensitive a way as possible. I do think, at the end of the day, news like this is always going to be a little hard for someone with fertility issues - but it really matters how it's done.

I just wanted to say that I'm quite jealous of your SIL

Why? Who wants to be in her position?

@PurpleDaisies

I just wanted to say that I'm quite jealous of your SIL

Why? Who wants to be in her position?

Think the point being appreciative of the OP and thinking about how her pregnancy might affect her SIL who has been struggling with conceiving.

Thanks for all the helpful advice. Im going to send her a short message along the lines of the above and give her some space. Not announce on the family WhatsApp, not mention its a suprise for us or that it must be difficult for her to hear etc. Just short and sweet and to her only. I've got intouch with her husband and asked when she'll next be home of an evening and will do it then. I'd hate for her to get the message at work or when out with friends.

Thanks again all.

He’ll guess and tell her.

What will you do, OP, if she says she is disappointed in you both for not letting her know that you were trying for a baby?

Surely, then you would have to tell her you weren't and that it is a happy surprise! Personally, I wouldn't lie to her. I would speak to her first and tell her that it wasn't planned but that you are unexpectedly pregnant. Either way, she is possibly going to feel upset about her own situation but that isn't your fault and she will, sadly for her, have to get used to family and friends having babies even if she can't.

If she is a decent person she will be pleased for you and be hurt over her situation in private at this time.

What will you do, OP, if she says she is disappointed in you both for not letting her know that you were trying for a baby?

She really isn’t going to say that.

What will you do, OP, if she says she is disappointed in you both for not letting her know that you were trying for a baby?

I dont think he'll guess and tell her; I said I had to run something past her. She's a nurse and this isn't unusual, with me having a young DD she often gives us advice on rashes etc.

She won't be offended that we didn't tell her we were trying. We would never tell anyone that, if we had been. We didn't tell her the first time (and that time we were trying!)

I think text is the way to go. I’d add that you wanted to tell her by text so she doesn’t feel she has to respond either right away or at all. Just so she knows the text is considered rather than lazy and you’ve got her interests at heart. Good luck.

@Itsabeautifuldayheyhey

What will you do, OP, if she says she is disappointed in you both for not letting her know that you were trying for a baby?

Surely, then you would have to tell her you weren't and that it is a happy surprise! Personally, I wouldn't lie to her. I would speak to her first and tell her that it wasn't planned but that you are unexpectedly pregnant. Either way, she is possibly going to feel upset about her own situation but that isn't your fault and she will, sadly for her, have to get used to family and friends having babies even if she can't.

If she is a decent person she will be pleased for you and be hurt over her situation in private at this time.

Why would she care if OP was trying? Its not her business