Using my mums death to get a date?

[tinydancerss]

A guy who I've never met before (friend of a friend) has been trying to get me out on a date for a year.
I've told him I'm not looking for a relationship and I think of him as a brother (he's not my type )
Anyway my mum died a month ago.
He messaged me on Facebook saying he had a present for me.
Then he sent me a picture,he has got a wall art made for me with pics of my mum and me on it.
He said we will have to meet for a drink now so he can give it to me.
Aibu to think I have to meet him for a drink now?

It's not harsh. You haven't asked for any of his attentions. Just because he's interested in you, doesn't mean you have to be interested in return.

Read up about the shark cage analogy. At the bottom there's a list of good boundaries to have, such as

• saying no is not rude
• you do not owe anyone who is "nice" to you time or attention.
• saying “thank you” is full repayment for compliments and attention, especially if you didn’t ask for it.

I hope I'm not being too harsh

Not in the slightest.

If anything you should be making a big point of how incredibly inappropriate his actions are.

Deeply creepy.

He is imposing on your grief.
Send your message and block him.

Mind yourself, NOT him.

I think that is weird and he should leave the gift on your doorstep or post it not use it to make you go out with him. He doesn't sound like husband material does he, sounds date rape material.

Please be harsher, you don’t owe this man anything. I agree with what @FeminismIsForALLWomen said. Reply and be honest;

Dear ......
I’m sure you thought that the picture of me and my mum would be seen as a thoughtful gift. I have found it intrusive that you trolled through my fb page for these pictures. I feel manipulated and I am in a vulnerable place right now. Just to be perfectly clear, I do not fancy you and I do not, and never will, want to go on a date with you.
I am blocking you now, do not try to contact me again.

Speak to your friend and have her bf speak to this man and get the message across. You are worried that you might see this man at social occasions because of your, tenuous, link. Don’t be. He is no one to you

Keep away from him. He is at best inappropriate and probably very controlling. I would have absolutely nothing to do with him, not even respond except to say no thanks. You could also remove him from fb. Don't let politeness get in the way of putting yourself first. .

God, do not ask him to leave it on doorstep or even post. That gives him your address! This guy doesn't understand boundaries. I'm sure he'd just ring the doorbell to "make sure you get the gift ok", or even start stalking you.

Block him. Please. Just block him. Do not apologise for not accepting his ‘gift’ as it is manipulative, inappropriate, and frankly creepy as f. You are not being harsh. At. All. I keep telling my 8-yo that she should always listen to the alarm bells in her tummy, and that she should never override them just to be polite to people who make her feel like that. Please, block him on every single channel you have.

@tinydancerss

Sorry everyone for late reply I've just finished work I'm going to decline his gift,tell him I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I don't want to date him. I hope I'm not being too harsh.

Absolutely not. I'd say this is the perfect response and if he can't deal with that, it's his problem. You've made it very clear what your position is.

No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

You’ve told him you’re not looking for a relationship and you think of him as a brother.

And your Mum’s just died (I’m so sorry).

Please don’t feel manipulated into a date, especially now, at such a sad time for you.

I'm going to decline his gift,tell him I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I don't want to date him.

This is fine but you've missed a bit... the bit where you block him on everything. You really do need to block him - he won't give up at that point. He will start with the emotional blackmail because he spent time making it etcetc (He spent time stalking around your profile and using your photos without permission to make an unwanted gift for you). You are in a vulnerable position because of your loss and as I said before, you need to protect yourself. The best way to do this is to politely decline, say you do not want to go on a date with him and then block.

I hope I'm not being too harsh.
Not being harsh enough in my opinion.

Something like 'Hello boundarypusher, thank you for your message and condolences. To be honest I find this gift inappropriate considering we don't know each other that well and you have taken these photos from my FB page. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough the other multiple times you asked me out, but I don't want to go out with you. Please don't ask again, and I'd rather you didn't contact me
This is perfect and direct if you haven't made contact already.

@tinydancerss

Sorry everyone for late reply I've just finished work I'm going to decline his gift,tell him I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I don't want to date him. I hope I'm not being too harsh.

Stop worrying about being harsh!! He’s being totally inappropriate.

Oh gosh that’s incredibly creepy.

I think it’s so incredibly sad that women have been so indoctrinated not to upset men and to “be nice” even to their own detriment - honestly, this guy needs telling bluntly and you should have no concern as to his feelings - he has initiated this by incredibly creepy and is banking on your politeness to date you. He very much isn’t willing to take your ‘no’ seriously and I would be worried about what other situations he wouldn’t listen to your ‘no’.

Please don't be nice. This guy is terrible with boundaries. You need to be plain, you don't like him and you never will. Then he'll move on to the next sucker who is too busy being nice to tell a creepy guy to sod off.

Firstly very sorry for your loss

With him for starters I NEVER add anyone on sm I don't know well in person

For another - before you've even BEEN on a date with this guy he's PROVEN he WON'T take no for an answer - not someone I would want to risk being alone with!

And for another what he's done is creepy, manipulative and seriously crosses normal boundaries!

Tell him to destroy the seriously inappropriate pictures, BLOCK and have nothing more to do with him and learn to control your sm properly and how to stop being such a people pleaser, "no I don't want to date you" is a perfectly acceptable and suffice response to being asked on a date.

Your friend is right! Knowing she thought that why on earth did you add him?!

I hope I'm not being too harsh.

You NEED to be harsh with people like this! They don't get it otherwise!

You give this guy the SLIGHTEST hint he can wear you down you'll never get rid!

"I did NOT give permission for you to use those pictures, destroy them you do not own the copyright, I am NOT interested in dating or even being friends with you and I am NOT interested in having any more to do with you. Leave me alone!"

Then block, tell your friend you've blocked him and that you don't want her or her boyfriend telling him ANYTHING about you - your life is none of his business!

You seriously need to work on your assertiveness and confidence.

Run like the fucking wind, Jesus wept.

What kind of nutter lifts a stranger’s photos of their dead mum off Facebook, makes some kind of (likely shit) wall-art out of it, then uses it to bribe that person to go on a date with them??! This might win the prize for biggest red-flag I’ve ever come across.

Tell him he’s being completely inappropriate & you don’t want to hear from him again, then block.

Sorry but this sounds like the plot of a horror film. Please never be alone with this person. And please, very clearly, with no room for any doubt, tell him that you do not fancy him and do not want a date now or ever- sorry but you do need to put some boundaries in place.