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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 29/09/2020 11:31

She is your dh brothers ex wife.

Sounds like she is OP's DH's sister?

userxx · 29/09/2020 11:32

She is your dh brothers ex wife.

Eh ? Isnt she the husband's sister ?

ClementineWoolysocks · 29/09/2020 11:32

How is she going to afford to live in the house if she does manage to buy it?
A simple no is enough, you don't owe her any explanations about your finances and you don't need to flesh out your answer with niceties. She knows she's been a cheeky fecker, she knows you'll agonise about what to do, she's probably hoping you'll be too embarrassed to refuse her.

MaskingForIt · 29/09/2020 11:33

@FlitterMouse

It shouldnt be difficult to say no. She is your dh brothers ex wife. Has she asked her own family.for money. Are you going to continue a close relationship with her.
Its the DH’s sister, not DH’s brother’s ex-wife. But the answer is still no.
Rainbowshine · 29/09/2020 11:33

Ask your DH why his sister’s desire (not need) is more important than securing his own children’s home or indeed securing the future income and employment of the people working for him. He has no legal commitment or responsibility to her, but he has responsibilities to his children and you and his employees/creditors. When it comes to money you have to follow the responsibility and commitment, not the emotional baggage.

catontherun · 29/09/2020 11:34

It would be absolute madness to put your savings into SIL's new house.

Given that a chunk of your family income is derived from your husband's business, with the impact of Covid-19 to date plus potential ongoing impact it would almost verge on lunacy.

How will she be able to afford the upkeep on a 5 bedroom house if she's not working ?

I would suggest that she hasn't yet got her head round the fact that there'll just be 2 people living in her new home, wherever it may be. Better to get something smaller and more manageable/cosy for 2.

Poulter · 29/09/2020 11:35

Apart from anything else which has been covered extensively, running a five bedroomed house is extremely expensive. The upkeep, refurbishment, bills etc are exponential compared to a three bedroomed house. She is being unrealistic and I would tell your DH that you would just be enabling her to eventually get into debt.

goldensummerhouse · 29/09/2020 11:37

Five bedrooms for two people? Has she explained why that's a necessity?

Point her in the direction of the two beds.

AltoCation · 29/09/2020 11:37

Glad you are resolved, OP - it needs to be an absolute NO.
To ANY amount.

Even without your currently precarious (yes, actually precarious) situation it is an outrageous request because a) it isn't necessary - no 2 person family needs a 5 bed house and b) it won't get paid back. She doesn't have the means and anyone who makes such a request is a CF and isn't of the character to prioritise paying it back.

I don't think this needs to be a tough conversation for your DH.

"Sorry DSis it is not possible for mabel and I to lend any money. mabel is already working extra hours to keep our income steady and I need to keep our savings as fall back as redundancies are on the cards. Our financial future is not secure. Lovely house, but maybe look for something smaller within budget?"

RandomMess · 29/09/2020 11:40

Considering you may have difficulties paying your own mortgage in the future in your much smaller house there is no need to look at a repayment plan!

Crankley · 29/09/2020 11:40

You have a rarity op, 100% have voted YANBU. The SiL is crazy, however many times she asks, the response is NO.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 29/09/2020 11:41

Its always telling when family ask for money (because the banks wont lend to them!)
Never loan money if you cant afford for it not to be paid back. Even if you have legal docs in place how is she going to pay you back whilst paying big utility bills on a house if she's not working? It's a recipe for disaster and a big family fall out. She needs to cut her cloth to fit her reduced circumstances.

Pobblebonk · 29/09/2020 11:41

It's a simple conversation which your DH should have had at the outset: Sorry, sis, my job is at risk, we have nothing whatsoever to spare.

Oldraver · 29/09/2020 11:42

I cant fathom why his first (and only response) isn't...dont be so ridiculous. Buy a house that you can afford with out tapping others up

silverbubbles · 29/09/2020 11:42

Do you and your husband give off the impression that you are very rich and have a successful business with lots of money sloshing around?.

If so perhaps she thinks this might not be that much money to you and she is only asking for a loan not a donation.

BlueJava · 29/09/2020 11:42

Don't be sucked into her plans and refuse her request. My personal view is that you should never lend more than you can afford to lose, on this basis it's a no. Just tell her that you're sorry, but you can't help. She needs to re-adjust her expectations on where she lives unless she has the cash.

AltoCation · 29/09/2020 11:43

I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

This is thin end of wedge stuff, OP. Weedy appeasement.

Your answer needs to be NO.

You can't afford to be lending peolpe miney.

She will not pay it back.

If your DH is such a sap that he can't say no to an unreasonable request, what is he going to do when she is in her mansion of a house and can't make the repayments? Which she won't be able to. If she can't pay, she can't pay...so what then?

Think on!

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 29/09/2020 11:45

@mabelandivy

Thank you everybody! I think I have my answer. Our savings are a safety net for us - DH is worried about the state of the business at the moment. If we have another lockdown, we don't think it will survive. We also have a DC to consider as well. This is going to be a difficult conversation for DH to have as he's very much of helping family out, but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made. I was incredibly angry at the weekend when I was told - this came after giving up my weekend and working additional shifts! Thanks again everybody.
Quite apart from anything else, I'm not sure it actually is helpful to facilitate someone who doesn't work in buying a 5 bed house they don't need and can't otherwise afford, especially not with an economic crisis looming. You've said nothing to suggest she'll be in a position to maintain it.

If that's the case, unless you were also willing and able to provide ongoing help with bills if needed, him helping her get herself into that situation wouldn't be as kind as he thinks it is. And if she does in fact have other income, well, she can look into borrowing against that.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/09/2020 11:45

I think the simple ley to all loans ( but especially to friends and family) is to view them as free gifts. If you get some thing back thats a bonus.
So the question is can you afford to gift them GBPxx amount? If not just say sorry and you are not in a position to do so

Perro · 29/09/2020 11:48

“she is taking the fucking piss“

^^THIS

Don’t see how this would be a difficult conversation for your DH at all. It’s a straight NO situation. Why would he even consider lending her money she doesn’t need and you do? Also, as a pp said, the bank won’t lend to her on that house if she has another loan, you would have to gift her the money (in writing) and never see it again.

Havaiana · 29/09/2020 11:48

I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made.

Don’t do it! The repayment plan is a waste of paper if they don’t actually make any payments!!!

Pobblebonk · 29/09/2020 11:49

I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

This is pointless. There is no way anyone can produce a plan that guarantees repayments short of giving you a charge on the house - and to get that you and your husband would have to be prepared to chuck her and her son out if she defaults. I'm assuming you would both be pretty reluctant to do that, so the reality is she can't offer you any sort of reliable plan for repayment

Just say an absolute "No, you need to start looking at two bedroom properties and getting a mortgage."

Babysharksmom · 29/09/2020 11:50

She's a cheeky bitch to even ask

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 29/09/2020 11:51

I thought my SIL was being a huge CF for asking for almost 200 quid towards her sons school uniform because he "needed" everything to be designer so he "doesn't get bullied".
Your one takes the biscuit.

Ellie56 · 29/09/2020 11:52

A 5 bedroomed house for 2 people? When it is beyond your means. Really? Hmm

I never cease to be amazed at how entitled some people are.

Tell her to get real . And no you can't help out because your financial position is very precarious and you need what savings you've got to fall back on, in case your business goes tits up.

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