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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 29/09/2020 11:53

Cheeky

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 29/09/2020 11:53

Tell her to get to fuck and then fuck off some more!!! Cheeky fucking cow!

CareBear50 · 29/09/2020 11:55

No
Non
Nein
Niente

Absolutely no way whatsoever

PerkingFaintly · 29/09/2020 11:56

Please don't go down the road of giving her a little bit that you can afford.

The help that she needs is emotional and to learn to be realistic about money.

It sounds as if she doesn't really understand where money comes from. Has she ever worked and paid her own bills? Or in her head is money something that comes from other people (parents? men?).

She should have learned about paid work, income and budgeting earlier in life. But if she hasn't, now is the moment. It's an essential life skill, and you will be depriving her of the opportunity to acquire it if you perpetrate her belief that money comes as gifts from other people.

There may be times in the future when it will be appropriate to help members of your family out. But this isn't one of them.

cooldarkroom · 29/09/2020 11:58

Hell would freeze over before I would lend money to my SIL in this situation. Just No.

She can buy a 3 bed. never mind all the other obvious reasons why this is a terrible idea

AltoCation · 29/09/2020 12:00

@mabelandivy please don't ask to set up and see a repayment plan.

It is a humiliating token meaningless exercise.

Either you need full disclosure as to all her costs and income, and / or you would need some sort of security , e.g the right to make her sell and repay you. OR you need to consider any sum of money a write-off. Which you can't afford to do.

None of this is good within a family.

Think about what you are doing before you put your own child's future at risk for a woman who wants to install her child in a house bigger than yours.

HollowTalk · 29/09/2020 12:04

You just need to say an outright 'no.'

She isn't working. Why not? How does she possibly think she'll repay anything if she's not working?

She doesn't need a huge house. You haven't got a huge house - why on earth would you give her the money to have something you haven't got yourselves?

It's just ridiculous that she thinks other people will fund her lifestyle. Don't say you want to see a repayment schedule. (It won't be stuck to, anyway.) Just say no, sorry, we need our money for our family.

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 29/09/2020 12:07

I would help if I had the means and there was need. It sounds like you may have less means than she is realising and also that her ‘need’ is perhaps not as great. A 3 bed house would be a good family home for her?

CakeRequired · 29/09/2020 12:08

but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

No no no.

OP don't be so bloody stupid. Your sil is substituting her ex husband with your husband essentially. She has no intention of working hence why she wants you both to subsidise her lifestyle that she is used to. You will NEVER see that money again. You WILL screw over your lives and your child's life by giving her it.

Sod her. She was clearly a sahm while married, fine. Her husband paid for all that. She now needs to change her attitude. She can't have that lifestyle anymore, it's gone when she divorced him. She needs to grow up.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/09/2020 12:08

That is an enormous chink of your savings. How would she even be able to repay it if she doesn't work? You need to say no and she needs to buy a smaller house.

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 29/09/2020 12:08

My dad always had good advice which was never lend money to friends or family. Only give it. He gave money to family when he had the ability to. But lending causes so much resentment and problems.

Mulderitssme · 29/09/2020 12:08

A payment plan can easily be drawn up and then discarded. By asking her to draw one up you're giving the signal that you're open to lending her money. You're not likely to ever see this amount again and she will probably come to you for money again in the future.

Six months from now if the business has been closed and you're struggling to pay the mortgage. How will you feel about the SIL who is living in her new 5 bed? It will sour relations forever. Please don't do it but if you do, give as much as you can afford to lose.

Also, people like this often go to others as well. You may be down the pecking order if she's borrowing off someone else.

AlwaysCheddar · 29/09/2020 12:08

Nope!!!!

ApolloandDaphne · 29/09/2020 12:08

*chunk not chink!

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 29/09/2020 12:08

How much could you give? If it’s 500 or 5000 . Offer that and no more.

wildcherries · 29/09/2020 12:10

@Oldraver

I cant fathom why his first (and only response) isn't...dont be so ridiculous. Buy a house that you can afford with out tapping others up
Agree. She's being beyond ridiculous. I don't understand why he is even considering this.
Eddielzzard · 29/09/2020 12:10

WTAF!!! Um... I'd like to live in a chateau... would you mind 'loaning' me a spare few 10k too please?

Gazelda · 29/09/2020 12:11

Think about what you are doing before you put your own child's future at risk for a woman who wants to install her child in a house bigger than yours.

This.

  • You need your savings as a cushion in case the business folds.
  • You couldn't look your husbands employees in the eye when they are being made redundant while you are dishing out £25k to someone who doesn't need it.
  • You are working extra hours to bring in more income so that you can weather the coming financial storm. You'd rather be spending weekends with DC, but 'needs must'
  • Your SIL doesn't need 5 bedrooms
  • You are concerned she won't be able to repay and don't want to put extra worry on her
You can't see how she will afford the upkeep and bills.
  • You'd hate to fall out with family over money debts.
You don't want to be judging her every time she buys a new coat or books a holiday rather than making a bigger repayment that month.
  • You can't justify subsidising someone to live in a bigger home than your own.
  • You don't want the loan to be something that comes between you and DH.

10 good reasons to say no.

Get your DH to write up a pros and cons list.

If he wants to be a supportive brother, he can help her plan a budget for herself using her income as a basis, help her look for a job and help her find a lovely home that suits her and her DC.

mbosnz · 29/09/2020 12:15

That would be a 'yeah, nah' from me.

We now have a standing policy, we do not lend money to friends, nor family, due to having been resoundingly shafted in the past. If people have a problem with that, they can go discuss it with my FIL, as to why we now have this policy.

SIL needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, and to live within her means. Not everybody elses.

Silentplikebath · 29/09/2020 12:18

Don’t ask to see a repayment plan or any financial information. Tell your DH that it has to be a firm NO because SIL needs an immediate reality check. It’s far better that she learns about being independent now rather than after she discovers that she can’t afford to pay the bills in her new house.

If your DH really wants to help his sister the best thing he can do is to tell her to buy a smaller home and look for a job. She’s on her own and it’s time for her to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her child.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/09/2020 12:19

Just point out to her the difference in Council Tax that she will have to pay, between a three bed property and a five bed one.

That should concentrate her mind.

How the hell is she going to pay for the running costs of a house with no income?

BarbaraofSeville · 29/09/2020 12:21

We now have a standing policy, we do not lend money to friends, nor family, due to having been resoundingly shafted in the past. If people have a problem with that, they can go discuss it with my FIL, as to why we now have this policy

I agree. Because the sad thing is that in probably the majority of cases, people ask to borrow money from friends and family not because they really need it, but because they aren't very good at managing their finances and once they've spent all their own money, they want to get on with spending other people's.

They don't see the link between other people having money when they don't because they've been more financially responsible. It's not always for this reason, but it is a lot of the time.

Ladybadge · 29/09/2020 12:22

Incidentally why is she getting divorced? Anything to do with her excessive lifestyle expectations and spending?

Who is she squeezing the other 25k from - her parents by any chance?

If she could buy a modest 2 or 3 bed, without owing any money then why the hell doesn’t she do that!!

user1471538283 · 29/09/2020 12:23

I wouldn't lend her anything. She clearly thinks she is entitled to the same standard of living as previously but life isn't like that. She needs to manage her own expenses

CakeRequired · 29/09/2020 12:23

I'm not against borrowing or loaning money to family either, if they are likely to give it back. We borrowed money from my partners parents for a deposit for a house, but it was a much smaller amount of money and I set up a direct debit to pay it back straight away until its all paid.

I highly doubt that will be your sils plan. She doesn't want to change her old lifestyle. She wants to live in the past. She needs a reality check. She has no job, how would she even pay it back? How will she even pay electric bills, heating bills, food bills etc? Even if her ex husband is paying her money each month, that will end once the child is 18 no doubt. It's unlikely she'll have paid you back by then unless the child is a baby. But it's a hell of a gamble and you'd be a fool to do it.