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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
Bluesheep8 · 30/09/2020 14:42

Why does a 2 person family need a 5 bedroom house? A 5 bedroom house she can't afford at that!
Has she got a mortgage? The max the bank will lend her? Unless you can afford to GIVE rather than LEND, I'd steer well clear.

TheYeaSayer · 30/09/2020 15:43

This reply has been deleted

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WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/09/2020 16:10

Sadly, I can believe it - and I think I see the SIL's plan. The house is a red herring, which she can already afford, but she's using it as an excuse to bandy around a very large sum that she supposedly needs. First she starts off saying a 'loan' for £50K, then £30K, then £25K and it sounds like she's going to end up with 'just' £5K for her efforts.

She's very clever: if she'd come straight out at the beginning with the truth and her 'best offer' - and asked you for a gift of £5K spending money for spa weekends, fancy meals out etc., you would have instantly told her to be on her bike, wouldn't you?

caringcarer · 30/09/2020 16:14

Sorry we can't give a loan. We have to prepare business for Covid/Brexit.

Serengetiqueen · 30/09/2020 16:48

I must admit I don’t understand the placated offer of £5k at all?! If you give at all, she will be back for more ...I guarantee it.
You would be basically funding this woman’s lifestyle choice (a 5 bed house for 2 people is totally lifestyle) versus your own family’s essential needs. It’s crazy.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/09/2020 16:49

If you do go ahead with letting her have the money, I'd make it clear that you'll need a charge on her house to protect your investment in it, as you aren't in a position to risk your family's hard-earned funds in a time of great national financial uncertainty, should there be any issues further down the line.

Of course, this would mean that you might need to take action to recover your money should she have any problems with repaying it in a timely manner and/or if your own circumstances worsen because of the looming recession and you find yourselves needing to call in your ther investments.

Whether you would actually do that or not, it might shock her into realising that, rather than a free gift of money to spend on luxuries and then conveniently forget, she could well be facing losing her house for the sake of a relatively small proportion of its value (wasted on transient luxuries) - especially considering that she knows full well she won't be in any position to honour the repayments that she's promising by calling it a 'loan'.

Serengetiqueen · 30/09/2020 16:50

A friend of ours sister separated last year (had few worldly goods but she sis have income) and her brother bought her a dishwasher ....we thought that was very generous and kind.

UniversalAunt · 30/09/2020 17:16

‘If you do go ahead with letting her have the money, I'd make it clear that you'll need a charge on her house to protect your investment in it, as you aren't in a position to risk your family's hard-earned funds in a time of great national financial uncertainty, should there be any issues further down the line.‘

Absolutely THIS

UniversalAunt · 30/09/2020 17:19

‘ Having lived through a few recessions and house price troughs leading to negative equity, I would be holding on to every spare penny I have right now. Whatever the imminent future holds, at best it is going to be very uncomfortable for a huge number of people. Your SIL is clearly living in cloud cuckoo land and is impervious to all this: you might just as well take 5k and tear it into pieces for all the good it will do her.
Up to you but I think you would be quite mad to give her any money at all. She actually doesn't NEED any of it, she just WANTS it.

It sounds like this money is your emergency fund which you and your family are likely to need to keep afloat over the coming months. How will you feel watching her spending like there's no tomorrow whilst you tighten your belts and watch your reserves, already down by the 5k you've gifted her, dwindle away to nothing?’

@HomeTheatreSystem, good points made well.

DrSK2 · 30/09/2020 17:32

No brainer. It’s a no.

shazwee · 30/09/2020 17:33

Why this is showing up as 99% you are not being unreasonable I will never know, that 1% must be SIL. No way in this world should you and your hubby even entertain this !!!!

SMaCM · 30/09/2020 17:38

No. You wouldn't be working overtime if you had money to throw away. She won't be able to give it back if you need it, because it'll be tied up in her house.

Theflying19 · 30/09/2020 17:40

Avoid like the plague.

pollymere · 30/09/2020 17:40

If she can't afford it, she won't be able to afford to run it. If a bank are unwilling to lend the 50K then so should you be. I had a shortfall when I bought my house between mortgage offer and price. It's was £50. When my boss heard, he offered to have a whip round. It's not a couple of thousand, it's 50K! Even with your help only being half, it's still a huge sum to put your own house and work at risk.

Blulorry · 30/09/2020 17:42

@CherryPavlova

I think borrowing or lending within families or friendships is a recipe for disaster. I’d explain kindly that you can’t afford to lend any money at this time and signpost her to the bank or an estate agent with cheaper houses.
This.
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 30/09/2020 17:43

Definitely not. Live within her means and buy a smaller house.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 30/09/2020 17:47

OP has gone...

LynFreedman · 30/09/2020 17:49

Nope - 75% of loans to friends and family are never paid back . If you give her anything you need to do it properly and take a charge on her house. Even then you need to think about what you would do if you suddenly needed the money - you wont be able to get it back until she sells the house or decides to pay you.

BengalGal · 30/09/2020 17:50

If the bank isn’t going to lend the extra 50k obviously she doesn’t have a legitimate repayment plan. Upkeep and maintenance will be high too. Maybe her plan is to marry a rich man but please don’t lend her anything. Five bed for two people is crazy even if you weren’t asking your relatives to pay for it.

redgirl1 · 30/09/2020 17:56

No.
It might do her some good to think about the things she might need and want for the house. She will have no money left for new furniture or major changes like new kitchen/bathroom.
I think your DH should kindly decline explain his reasons and have a frank conversation about financial security and not stretching her finances to the limit. Also if her ex has financial difficulties due to Covid At some point it may affect her monthly maintenance.

Twinkled · 30/09/2020 18:03

Do not loan her any money. Say "no, we cannot lend you ANY money". She needs to downsize house and learn to live within her means.

Deez65 · 30/09/2020 18:04

As you say there are smaller houses that she could afford. It looks unlikely that she will pay back. I think she has to do some serious thinking as unfortunately she is not even considering your financial needs. Sorry but she sounds very selfish especially in the current financial climate.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/09/2020 18:10

Just because she came out of divorce with a " shortfall"( as did I) She has to Cut her cloth accordingly) She may want a 5 bed but no way needs one, just because she doesn't work, she can't expect family to loan her the money
Put yourselves first, and tell her she's a CF
Loaning money within family is a disaster waiting to happen
YADNBU

LollyBeebee123 · 30/09/2020 18:11

Absolutely no way I would give her the money! She doesn’t need such a big house and with no ability to repay I can’t see how this ends well. She can buy somewhere more suitable to her budget and requirements. Talk to your husband and tell him you don’t want to do this. Use the money for your own home. 🍀

PanamaPattie · 30/09/2020 18:17

I see the OP has gone - even so, ask yourself how long it takes to earn £5k before you think of giving it away.

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