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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 30/09/2020 19:54

Sounds like you can afford to write off £5K...

MommaSB · 30/09/2020 20:07

Here's me with £2 in my bank account for the next week 😅 yanbu it does seem a lot to ask for

THEDEACON · 30/09/2020 20:08

No simply no and if she doesn't get the message then NO WAY

Petlover9 · 30/09/2020 20:17

Simple answer, "we cannot afford it, so no". Don't let your DH loan her ANYTHING, you won't get it back

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 20:20

Why would you write off £5k like that? Put it in your DC's uni fund.

Petlover9 · 30/09/2020 20:26

Could we have an update OP please?

Newmumatlast · 30/09/2020 20:31

@Cocomarine

If it’s a 5 bed house, then whatever the location, the £50K she’s short can’t be more than 20% of the value. If she hasn’t got enough income to raise a mortgage of £50K on an 80% deposit, I’m curious as to how she has enough income to (a) pay you back and (b) run such a large house.
This.

I also think the very fact she wants a 5bed house she cant afford when she could just get a smaller house says everything you need to know about both her sense of entitlement and likelihood of paying you back any time soon even if she had the funds. It's very different to wanting to borrow money in order to fund any property to live in at all i.e. if the payout wasnt even enough for a bed sit and she would otherwise have to spank money renting

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/09/2020 20:32

Give her nothing!

FelicisNox · 30/09/2020 20:40

Not a chance: you've said it yourself, you don't know if your husbands business will survive and as she doesn't work you've no idea how she will pay you back.

A simple: we would love to help but we cannot afford it.

You're saying no to the request, not the person.

You're right to think she should be living within her means.

YogiBearcub · 30/09/2020 21:16

Probably either way your relationship with SIL will now become difficult.

  1. Lend her the money and you'll resent her when she inevitably never pays it back, not least if your company goes belly up due to Covid. And she'll be passed off you are asking for the money back.
  1. You don't give the money and SIL cuts you off for not wanting to help her secure 3 bedrooms more than she needs at the top of the market.

I would regardless go for option 2 as option 1 has the potential of her divorce also ruining your marriage. She should be able to buy a smaller house for 25k less, borrow some money from the bank if she still favors the bigger one, etc.

Tinybutmighty · 30/09/2020 21:25

It's tough because you've offered to help but the shortfall is a huge amount and you could lose your own home if you become financially unstable.
If it were me I would guide her towards houses she can afford not only is it the deposit its the monthly costs and upkeep of something almost 3x more than she needs. Heating bills, furnishing, cleaning etc... Unless she plans to have lodgers but would then need a buy to let mortgage technically. I think you need to be clear and firm and perhaps help her with moving costs or fees should you still want to. If you loan her any large amount have a Contract written up. I know she's family but honestly having been in similar position, and now not talking to my oldest brother, it's just not worth the heartache of someone's word

jwpetal · 30/09/2020 21:26

I would say that she has to sign a contract for repayment. this keeps emotion out as it is a business transaction. If you both decide to loan the money, it is hers to use as she wants. So be aware that her FB will have her going out. Personally, if you are working overtime to meet your family's needs, then I am surprised you are loaning the money.

August1980 · 30/09/2020 21:26

I think we all agree it’s a big ask and lending money to family and friends is a no no.. my dad says when you lend money to friends and family you should expect to have it back....

Funguy · 30/09/2020 21:38

Are you serious?
Of course you don't lend money for her dream house. Unless your name is also on the deeds.

suzy2b · 30/09/2020 21:54

Don't give her anything she needs to buy a house she can afford, why put an offer on a house she can't afford, she needs to find a house she can afford

yyz112 · 30/09/2020 22:20

Under no circumstances give/lend her money, I have been waiting 30 + years for a family member to pay back the money she borrowed.

LovelyIssues · 30/09/2020 22:20

YANBU. She can find a house she can afford.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/09/2020 22:22

Cheeky mare! Just say no politely but firmly.

juliawilks72 · 30/09/2020 22:24

She is having a divorce crises - please please no way lend her a bean - you will never see you’re cash again - IN her MIND - she is trying to live the dream which DOES NOT EXIST 😢😢😢

Zyzxyz · 30/09/2020 22:59

Very precarious time to be loaning money. Why would anyone buy a new house they couldn't afford? You should n't bail out people without a quit claim deed or something protecting your investment unless your'e a bizillionaire and the loss means nothing to you.

Zyzxyz · 30/09/2020 23:05

Excellent point Juliawilks72. "Living the dream" on your expense. She needs to land back to reality. It's a hard, painful lesson but the sooner her life gets in control, the happier she will be.

DustyLoafer · 30/09/2020 23:10

Whether it's £5k or £50k it is a gift.

You can't call something a loan when the other person has no intention of paying it back.

keffie12 · 30/09/2020 23:10

I can't believe she has asked you for this. Its a confounded cheek. The answer should be no, even if times weren't like they are now. She doesn't need a five bed house. She doesn't work she won't get a mortgage. There is no way you should help out. She needs to buy a smaller house. Three bed is an ample size

Pinkfluff76 · 30/09/2020 23:13

OP I wouldn’t even loan her £5k as it’s not a loan is it... she’s not going to pay you back and if she can afford to go to the spa and dine out then no offense but I personally think you’re both being very silly in offering to help at all. She doesn’t need a 5 bed and a 3 bed means she doesn’t need £50k... your £5k is going to be spending money for more spa days! And if your business goes under is she going to be lending you £5k????

Zyzxyz · 30/09/2020 23:20

Once I bought $60.00 of groceries for a friend. She bought Twizzlers and waffles.Mostly junk food. Then her aunt died and left her $ 300,000 .Never once has she offered anything back to me. She still asks to borrow stamps or meds. I think she finally got the message. There are givers and takers in this world. You need to find the ones that really care about you.