Asking for a substantial amount of money

[mabelandivy]

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

£5k - surely not.
You are winding us up?

@MissConductUS

She's not asking for a loan, she's asking for a gift and calling it a loan. She knows she can't and won't pay it back.

^ this

You’re a mug @mabelandivy.

A fool and their money

How long would you and h have to work to have £5k to throw away?

Cos that’s what your doing

You won’t ever see the money again.

“Sorry SIL, all our money Is very much spoken for”

It's a 5k gift op. Don't kid yourself.

@GeorginaTheGiant

Sorry to be blunt but you’re a complete fool if you offer her a penny never mind £5k. You are a parent and your first responsibility is to your own family I.e. your children. You know full well that you will never see that money again and that she doesn’t need it - she just wants to maintain a lavish lifestyle that she can’t afford. And you would rather give her £5k than save it for your children’s future or to mitigate against the coming financial hardship that will inevitably affect them. That’s actually quite sad for your children.

This. You're being foolish now OP. Really foolish and a mug.

what is she going to live off of

If she can afford a spa weekend, she doesn't need your loan.

Only loan what you are prepared to give as a gift. Assume you won't get it back.

Sounds like she doesn't want to compromise and yet by asking for this money she is asking you to do so.

If I had pots of money going spare and could afford to gift a loved one the money they asked for then I would do it otherwise the bad feeling that comes from it not being paid back could break the family apart WAY more than a carefully worded gentle let down not offering the loan.

Maybe explain it all clearly in a email first before following up with a call. That way your DH's words can't get twisted and she will be able to take her time and read over your points and therefore hopefully have a less emotional response.

Good luck.

Only offer the 5k if you consider it to be a gift which will not be returned.

I foolishly was badgered into lending a close family member a substantial sum of money (having just sold my house and not able to buy for a few months) which was going to be for '3 months max'.

2 years later I had to get solicitors involved to retrieve my money.
We have not spoken since- because the borrower thought I was unreasonable to want my (own house) money back.

I echo everyone else. Why on earth are you 'lending' any money at all??

Only offer what you can afford not to ever get back.

OP, for goodness sake! You’re setting yourself up to be massively taken advantage of, if you think that giving this woman £5k is standing up for yourselves.

On second thoughts, I’d be saying with a settlement like that we might be asking you for £30k within the next few months, might well stop her thinking borrowing from family is ok.

Giving her 5k is just giving her spending money for her social life. It'll annoy the life out of you watching her Facebook posts of nights out and weekends away that, essentially, you will have paid for.

@midnightgrace

Giving her 5k is just giving her spending money for her social life. It'll annoy the life out of you watching her Facebook posts of nights out and weekends away that, essentially, you will have paid for.

I think this hits the nail on the head

She sounds very spoiled and entitled.

@LadyCatStark

I don’t know you, or her and I’m not affected in any way by you giving her £5000 but I’ll be soooo annoyed with you if you do! 😂

Exactly this!

I also like @notdaddycool ‘s response very much.

God your SIL is irritating the fuck out of all these strangers, quite some feat. I sincerely hope you didn’t agree to give her a penny.

Why on Earth are you giving her even £5K? Seriously! Please don’t!

She doesn’t need it.

She just wants a bigger house than she can afford. If you give ANYTHING now you are setting you and her up for huge problems and resentments further down the line.

She’s eating out, having spa days, and looking to buy a house she cant afford.... wants money from you to do it, and you are considering doing it?? I do think this must be fake, no one can be this errrr, gullible....

She is a c.f. And no way should you ' lend ' her any money,you know you won't get it back and she won't be able to maintain ia big house without a job with more requests for cash coming in once she knows you'll pay out.
If your dh agreed to this knowing you are against it he'd be seriously out of order.
Did she ask or someone on her behalf?
Either way,very rude.

Having lived through a few recessions and house price troughs leading to negative equity, I would be holding on to every spare penny I have right now. Whatever the imminent future holds, at best it is going to be very uncomfortable for a huge number of people. Your SIL is clearly living in cloud cuckoo land and is impervious to all this: you might just as well take 5k and tear it into pieces for all the good it will do her.
Up to you but I think you would be quite mad to give her any money at all. She actually doesn't NEED any of it, she just WANTS it.

It sounds like this money is your emergency fund which you and your family are likely to need to keep afloat over the coming months. How will you feel watching her spending like there's no tomorrow whilst you tighten your belts and watch your reserves, already down by the 5k you've gifted her, dwindle away to nothing?

I think you are making a mistake in giving her any money at all. 5k will go nowhere towards that house so she will have to buy elsewhere anyway so why offer? Se will take the 5k as she is a CF but you will further resent pictures of her extravagant life and it will make you resent her and damage your relationship so you being nice will actually cause more damage. You could get a lovely holiday for your family for 5k. DON'T DO IT.

Only loan her what you're happy to give her, because it doesn't seem likely she'll pay it back.

Sorry to be blunt but you are absolutely crazy to give her anything in the circumstances described.

She doesn't need a 5 bedroom house with only one DC, 2 bedrooms would be fine. You will simply be funding her spa weekends and meals out. She doesn't even have her own job but expects the two of you to work to support her lavish lifestyle.

It's a no from me. If she can't afford it she needs to find a smaller house, cheeky cow.