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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 29/09/2020 19:03

Why would you loan her £5000?Confused

tootiredtospeak · 29/09/2020 19:05

Most mortgage lenders wont accept a loan feom family so you would probably have to sign a letter to say its a gift. I wouldnt do it.

Sceptre86 · 29/09/2020 19:06

I wouldn't lend her anything as she is living above and beyond her means. Why does she need such a big house, when a two or three bed would do? Also how would she pay you back when she doesn't have a job? This is a recipe for disaster. Do not lend her anything as it will only lead to resentment on your part and tbh it sounds like you need all your pennies at the moment.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/09/2020 19:07

@mabelandivy

I am going to instruct DH to contact her tonight with a max loan offer of 5k, which I think is reasonable in the current circumstances. No more than this. I've just seen on FB that she dining out (again) following a weekend at the spa. No way am I sitting her working myself silly to pay for all of that!
Given this is how she's behaving, I wouldn't even loan her that! She's not helping herself, is she?
Noshowlomo · 29/09/2020 19:09

Well there we are then. If you can afford to GIVE her £5k then do it.
Hope she enjoys all her spa day’s on your money!!

Thelittleweasel · 29/09/2020 19:09

@mabelandivy

If you do decide to go ahead please consult a solicitor and get it done legally. A good idea might be to secure your equity by being a part-owner of the house {"Tenants in Common"]

Shizzlestix · 29/09/2020 19:11

A 5 bed house for her and one dc? She’s bonkers. And doesn’t work? Batshit. I wouldn’t give her a penny.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/09/2020 19:11

I'm also somewhat Hmm at 'instructing' your DH as to how to spend family money.

She's obviously set herself up in the role of 'poor single mother' - maybe she genuinely believes it herself - but she clearly isn't poor if she can afford all but £50K for a huge house that the vast majority of families could never hope to afford for themselves - even those with enough children to fill the bedrooms. Has it never occurred to her why most houses have two or three bedrooms, a reasonable number have four, but hardly any have five or more?

I get that divorce is devastating, but she seems to be refusing to acknowledge her new circumstances. If you do give her the £5K for her spa days, she'll be back for more and more. In fact, when you said no to the original request, she might be interpreting that as her needing to ask for the same amount, but in smaller instalments. I think she's looking for a replacement husband (albeit not one she's actually married to) and she's got her sights set firmly on you two for the role.

I wonder if she's one of these people who thinks that everybody who owns a business is rolling in it; you have a large amount of money coming in regularly which is all pure profit to spend exactly how you like - there are no building costs, no bank/loan charges, no wages, no overheads, no business rates, no taxes etc.

Whoknowswhocares · 29/09/2020 19:16

Sounds like the husband gravy train has left and you are being expected to pick up the slack in her budget

If you are stupid enough to lend her money, she will be back once she’s burnt through that lot on ‘essentials’ like spa treatments while you and your children go without.
Sooner or later you will have to say no. Start now.

Krampusasbabysitter · 29/09/2020 19:33

Personally, I would offer nothing. She needs to stick to her budget, especially if she isn't working or saving.

diddl · 29/09/2020 19:39

@comingintomyown

Agree why “lend” 5k ? I shake my head at these people who are so entitled and cheeky
I shake my head at those who are stupid enough to say yes tbh.
TheYeaSayer · 29/09/2020 19:45

You’re going to give (and it really will be GIVE) her £5K of your hard earned to cash to fund a house a and lifestyle she can’t afford?

Willing doormats do get trod on, don’t they?

Will you be paying her high band council tax too when she falls into arrears? Can’t imagine she can afford it.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 29/09/2020 19:51

Why on earth would you give her money?

She has a settlement and her share of proceeds from a house. She needs to buy a house she can afford, not one she 'wants'.

FFS. I'd be furious if my DH wanted to give her family money under the circumstances.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 29/09/2020 20:16

How many shifts did you have to work to earn that 5k OP? Or your husband in his business?
I'm not exactly brilliant at budgeting myself but your SIL is a clever and deeply selfish lady if she thinks it's ok to get others to pay for all her extras and essentials whilst not lifting a finger other than to tap you up for the money.

Nquartz · 29/09/2020 20:16

I feel the need to wheel out the Mumsnet classic....

Are you on glue?!

Please listen, there have been so many threads about 'lending' money to family/friends and -spoiler alert- it never ends with the money being fully repaid on time & in full.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 29/09/2020 20:17

What if one of your siblings was to ask for a loan/gift too?

NancyBotwinBloom · 29/09/2020 20:22

Is she going to get a job?

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 20:41

How much do you earn an hour OP? How many hours would you have to work for a take-home pay packet of £5k? Are you happy to work that many hours to fund her lifestyle?

FrenchAFancy6 · 29/09/2020 20:44

She could buy a smaller property & become mortgage free. Then she would only need an income to pay the bills + treats

iluvgab · 29/09/2020 20:45

Why the fuck would you give her 5K?
She can't afford a 5-bedroom house and does not need one either. She should look for a cheaper property which she can afford outright.

Why would you loan her anything when she's merrily dining out and going to a spa? She should be saving that money for the house purchase.
I wonder if this entire thread is a wind up because I can not believe anyone would be so stupid as to loan this person anything at all.

zaphodbeeble · 29/09/2020 20:49

She’s a piss taker and needs a reality check. I wouldn’t give her a penny

SuitedandBooted · 29/09/2020 21:05

WHY ARE YOU GIVING HER £5k???!!!!

Can you really afford to do that, in the current times? Why is she more important than your security?

You WILL be giving it to her, as whatever "legal" thing you get done will be meaningless as you won't act on it. Suppose she just doesn't pay, or only gives a few quid now and then. Are you seriously going to take her to court, or get the bailiffs round to her house? I doubt it, - hence it is not a loan, it is a gift.

I am astonished you will even contemplate it. Saying "No" does not make you a bad person! Like a PP, I'm beginning to doubt this thread is real.

Mummyworriestoomuch · 29/09/2020 21:10

Such cheeky fuckery! Tell her to do one

LadyCatStark · 29/09/2020 21:13

I don’t know you, or her and I’m not affected in any way by you giving her £5000 but I’ll be soooo annoyed with you if you do! 😂

LoveEatYoga · 29/09/2020 21:18

£30K isn't a six figure sum

But I think it is a lot to ask and maybe she needs to look at something within her price range

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